Boy was I wrong! As glad as I am to have someone else to talk to who actually gets it, it makes me sad that so many of us are in this situation.It makes me sad that things like this happen at all.
How many of us are there on this thread anyway? All in different places and time-frames, but still have chosen to stay with WS and tough it out. We are something.
I'll say it again cuz it's bothering me today, but dealing with all the OC crap and contact with OW cuz of the OC really forces dealing with the infidelity out of the spotlight at times. At least for us--now so many months after d-day, the time spent on discussing whatever needs to be hashed out about a visit or phone call or whatever, seems enough at the time--don't have the time to deal with that plus infidelity issues plus work, housework, repairs, family, bills, fun, cooking, entertainment and so on.
Maybe we'll have a chance to have a "checking in on the R" talk this weekend. Trouble is here that H is still devastated about his fathering role so long distance and upset about himself and what he allowed himself to do,and gets emotionally paralyzed when he deals with my hurt, etc. etc.--stuff that isn't going to go away--puts a crimp in the give and take between us sometimes.
How do others deal with infidelity issues and OC issues?
Now that time has passed, I'm struggling with the decision to divorce him. My brain is telling me to get rid of this asshole, but my heart is still in love with him. I don't even trust my own feelings anymore, not only do I have to deal with the devastation of this affair, the impact is magnified by all of the pregnancy hormones. I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. My H claims that he loves me and wants to try and work things out. He claims that he wants to stand by the principles of our marriage and spend the rest of his life making it up to me. My immediate reaction to these comments is to say that it's a little to late for that. How can he expect me to take him back along with all of the extra baggage...the twins. But yet there is still another part of me that entertains the thought of working this out when I think about our baby and all of the hopes and dreams that I had about raising a family with him.
For those of you who have been faced with a similiar situation any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
My H is saying very similiar things. He began the EA when I was pregnant with our 2 child and was home on maternity leave when it went to the next level. He even blew me and my kids off on Halloween to be with her the first time. She became pregnant and the OC is 8 weeks old.
I have moved out and filed for seperation and wonder if I made the right decision. We are still trying to work things out but I am having a hard time accepting this child. The OW is convinced that there is a relationship with my H. She is telling people that he calls her starting at 6am and can't live without her.
I am sitting in the same boat and I don't know what to do either. I wish I knew. Just know that you are not alone. I have felt alone so often until I found this site. I was given some good advice the end of last week (THANKS!!!! ) Check it out. It may help you. You, as well as everyone else that is in this terrible position are in my prayers.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
My H and I have been living apart since Oct. 12th. He tells me that he still speaks with her every couple of weeks to "check up on the pregnancy." I ask him why he feels the need to speak with her, especially if there is some doubt in his mind that the OCs are his. His response...I don't want to look like the asshole if the OCs are really his. I told him that he shouldn't be so worried about that since he already looks like an asshole to all of my family and friends. H and I are currently seeing separate counselors and we recently decided to go to MC. I have to admit that I have some hesitation about it, because I know in the back of my mind that there will most likely not be a marriage if the OCs are his. I have tried to convince myself that the OCs are his so that I can make a decision before our baby arrives on April 6th...but I have come to realize that such decisions cannot be forced. I'm really waiting for a "eureka" moment. Does that ever really happen? It's like I am faced with the lesser of 2 evils...divorce a man that I am still in love with or stay married to him and have to deal with an extended family that in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined.
FWBF is out of the country and a letter came for him today asking him to appear for a paternity hearing. We knew this was coming as he had been contacted in December re a possible child support request. He told me about it and at first thought it must be a mistake and then they told him the name of the woman who was petitioning....turns out to be someone he had a one night stand with almost 17 years ago. Sought legal advice and was advised to wait for an official request. Well now it has come and he is out of the country.
He had no idea that the one night stand had resulted in a pregnancy. We don't know if it is his and apparently neither does the mother since she included a hand written note with the order that gave FWBF a bit of info about "his child, if the test comes back positive".
He doesn't know about the order or note yet - I won't hear from him until tomorrow and it isn't something I want to email him.
I told him I wouldn't tell anyone about this, but I figure you guys don't count and he knows I post here. I am struggling with this a bit, not because of the child - I can see how children result from one night stands - but when he and I were going through our infidelity issues last spring one of the things I expressly asked him is whether there was any infidelity in his first M. He told me no, but now I know that was a lie. (Big sigh.)
This is hard. Not really looking for advice, just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
[This message edited by kwash at 7:26 AM, February 8th (Friday)]
XWH died Dec. 2010
It's a long story, but I bet they all are. Hubby and I met in March 1996. By March of 2002 I was pregnant with our 3rd child but we still weren't married. I found out he was having an EA. We tried to work thru it, but being 7 months pregnant I was stressed too much and kicked his sorry butt out. All this time OW is planning their wedding and I begged him not to go thru with it until after our baby was born. He married her 7/7/02 and our son was born 7/11/02 with heart defects. He says that was his punishment and he regretted from that moment on what he had done. He called he crying within 2 weeks telling me how much he had screwed up. At that point I didn't care, I had a medically fragile child to care for. He is what got me thru those long hard nights. A month after our son was born OW turns up pregnant. Our son and the OC are 10 months apart. He tried to divorce her before the OC was born, but due to state laws could not. In the mean time WS (for lack of better terms) gets called to active duty with the military. He used this as the perfect time to leave OW. We worked on reconciliation while he was gone...long talks on the phone about why and how it happened. He came back in Jan 04 and after lots of discussion moved back into our home and promptly filed for divorce from OW. Divorce was final in Oct 04. Our son had open heart surgery in Dec 04. Luckily I had a standing CS order for our 3 children prior to divorce so my children were entitled to the majority of what he paid in CS, this also cut down on her payment which I'm thankful for now as I write that damn check out every month and am reminded of his actions.
WS and I married in March 07, after 11 years (minus the 2 he was with her). The OW is currently pregnant with another MM's child. This baby has be diagnosed with severe heart defects (way worse than my own son's). Part of my says karma has come back to bite her in the a$$ and part of me feels horrible for her. It's been almost 6 years but I'm still reminded of the hell I've been put thru by no choice of my own. It's at a bad point right now because while OW is having this baby and staying at the hospital for it's heart surgery after birth we have agreed to take OC (could be 2 weeks, could be 6 months). I've got very harsh feeling for this child. I know she is an innocent as I am, but it's what she reminds me of. Of the phone call telling me OW was pg and holding my own 3 week old son and knowing he may never had his father in his life while this other child would have him. As it turns out my son has his father and the OC does not (which really isn't fair either now is it?). WS has contact with OW because of OC. He's not open about this or her contact with him. That is where we still have issues. She causes us very few problems, but when she does she goes all out. We have very little contact with OC, but OW makes it a priority to harass WS at home, work and sometimes calls his cell phone 10+ times a day, other times we won't hear from her for months. It really depends on if she is between boyfriends or not. We still get the "I know you'll leave her and come back to me" line from her over 3 years after their D was final.
I wonder if I'll ever get over this. Just when I think I'm better something brings it all back. H and I got into a fight a few nights ago and he said he knows I don't love him like i used to because I'm afraid of getting hurt by him again. Not to mention my father was a serial cheater and still is, although his current wife deals with it. My trust with H goes back and forth. I still check phone records occasionally, question why he calls OW still and I tell him that I need to be involved in anything he does/says to her. I know there is no longer anything between them, but that trust is always being questioned.
You will find a ton of support here from wise, caring people.
This thread is kind of slow sometimes.
I just wanted to welcome you to SI I am a member of the OC club too it sucks doesn't it?
Rocked my World, my H had ONS when our son was 1 year old and we'd only been married 8 months. Result - OC, born January. I didn't know what to do either but I knew I wasn't thinking clearly so I decided to wait. Divorce can happen at any time. There's no rush to make that decision.
To help me get through the days I remember the reasons that I stay -
1. to give my 3 kids a stable home
2. H helps me with the kids, I value and need that help
3. We like to travel together and I like our lifestyle
That is what I remind myself of each time I go into a tail spin.
I agree that it's REALLY hard to deal with the infidelity when there is an OC involved. It's so much more immediate to deal with calls, paternity, legalities, visitation and all the other crap that OW throws at us. Who then has any energy left to deal with the infidelity???? Not like it's a topic that's a whole lot of fun to deal with in the first place. I don't know what the answer is to that issue, other than to try to make sure your feelings are heard as often as you need to be able to cope and find some happiness.
Green-Eyed, you sure have your share of challenges to deal with. I admire your strength and ability to cope with the situation as you have. I'm so glad that your little boy is better. At the end of the day, it's the kids that keep us grounded.
Perhaps your time with OC will go better than you think. At least you will have the child to yourself without OW influence. You may find that you will be able to create a relationship with OC that has it's own special meaning to both of you. I wish you luck.
My situation hasn't changed much. H has only seen OC once but will be going back this week as the legal documents need to be discussed with OW. I continue to be excluded from these visits and discussions. I don't care anymore. I have three kids to take care of, need to earn a living and I have my three reasons to stay - for now.
With regard to paternity testing - OW continues to dig in her heals, but H agrees with necessity and will do a swab test himself the first time she lets him take OC away, which I assume will be in the next 3-6 months. Patience....
That's all for now. My heart goes out to all of you in this sad group. Hugs.
I spilled my guts to H last night after reading a lot on here. So much I didn't realize I wasn't dealing well with. I told him that I need to be 100% involved with dealings with OW or he needed to go NC with her. He did say he's tired of her mind games and he wants to ignore her contact. I've heard it before, but then he feels awful about the OC. He did say one day she will come looking for him and he will tell her the truth, that he couldn't deal with her mother and chose to step out of the picture. She refused our scheduled visitation over the weekend. We've agreed that if we are taking OC for a considerable amount of time she needs to adjust to our home over the next couple of months. OW agreed to this, but then thought it would be a good idea to take a 4 y/o to Lamaze class so she would know what to expect when her baby sister is born! First she is a majorly high risk preg, with a very ill baby. They will not let a soon to be 5 y/o in the room...she doesn't get this. H told her to grow up and find someone else to keep OC for a few months. He then told me that our marriage doesn't need the stress that OC would put on it. I have to agree, but I also think it's something I DO have to deal with and I should do it while she's young. I told H I really don't mind, but to understand that it would be hard on me emotionally. He hasn't made a final decision yet and I'm leaving it up to him.
It is the kids that keep us grounded. All my focus was on them while H and I were separated. It's all I had the energy for. My OB put me on antidepressants when I kicked h out. I stopped taking them the day my youngest was born. He filled that spot that h had left and then some. I had too much to worry about that I didn't have time to worry about myself.
A question for those here. How do you introduce the OC when he/she is with you. Esp to those who don't know the situation? I can't for the life of me say "these are my 4 children". I usually leave it up to H to do introductions. He leaves it at this is my wife and our 3 kids, and this is my daughter from another relationship." Eyebrows go up when they see she is younger, but honestly it doesn't bother me. The comments I hate are the "oh look at all the little ones you have, you must have been busy!"...ugh. No, I wasn't my my H sure was! If asked H always says he has 3 children, not 4. That bothers me in a way, but at the same time I feel good that he's only counting our children...kwim. Oh so many mixed feelings when oc are involved.
Green-Eyed, you're well ahead of me with 5 year old. My OC is just 3-4 weeks old now and I haven't been allowed to see him. In some ways I'm glad, in others I'm disappointed about H lack of influence. OW seems to just get away with whatever she wants and I have to suck it up.
I'm angry and depressed today. Some days are like that but less often than at first. Does anyone out there have any tips on dealing with anger (other than going into the car, closing the door and yelling all sorts of profanities at OW & H??!)
Your OW sounds like a basket case - she wants her 5 year old to be at her birth? I hope that the time you have with the girl will be less stress than anticipated - provided it turns out that you will have her with you at all.
I was wondering about how we would introduce OC. So far we don't have a positive paternity test and so my H hasn't told tell anyone, not even his siblings or friends. I told his dad since I thought he had a right to know. Positive paternity is highly likely. Since baby is so small, we won't be taking it out for a while and the introductions question can wait.
OW is catholic and I was thinking the other day that she will likely be baptizing baby. I wonder how she will handle that. Will H be invited as a guest? Will I be asked to not attend? It is an odd situation for H.
She worked with him and circulated pictures through co-workers. Again, he sees picture, but can't say anything. Very weird situation all around.
I wish there were guidelines, frameworks or something that we could work with to help us cope with these situations. It would help to have some kind of direction on how to think, how to adjust and how to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that are so confusing, overwhelming and just plain exhausting.
As far as introducing the kids. I can't remember how it happened. I think I just told the 5 yo that OW was pregnant. Maybe not the best way to handle it, but she had 2 little brothers, she knew about babies, just not how they happened. My older son was 3 and then I had my newborn. It was never hidden from them and we talked about it openly. The first time they met OC was about 1 1/2. They were enthralled with her, I hid in my room and played solitaire on the computer. H came in and asked me what I thought of her. That hurt. I still to this day feel like he flaunts her, although I know he doesn't. That comment will always ring in my ears with her around.
H's OW is a winner. Not only does she want the 5 yo in the delivery room she has asked H to be her labor partner! I guess since her last mm ran off (baby's daddy) she wants someone in there. I told him no way in hell would I allow it. She thinks he's her crutch, when she got herself into this with another mm. She's 24 years old and acts 14. We've spoken to a lawyer about custody of OC and they said it would be a simple case given her history (medical neglect, no job, living with her mother still, no drivers license, all the men in and out of her life, etc). H doesn't want to pursue it because he's says it's not fair to me. That I shouldn't have to raise his mistake. If it were only that simple. OW even asked us if we'd adopt her baby because she said she new we could take better care of it that she could. UGH..I get so tired of her games.
I seem to type so much more than I mean to. I guess it's that I've never really been able to get it all out and I don't know anyone IRL dealing with these issues (no one going thru R, esp when an OC is involved). I wish it were as simple as NC.
I wasn't allowed to see OC for months--but that has eased, and we now visit and take OC for the day, for 3 days in a row, when we do the traveling to visit him. It's maddening to wait it out with a neurotic OW--but the early days after the birth are so awful for everyone, it almost doesn't matter. I was focusing on our M and H not being alone with OW, and kind of knew there was plenty of time to meet OC.
H as a labor partner for OW when having OC--she's got to be kidding. Your H is not her support person in any way--and I agree with being 100% involved with dealings with OW as much as possible.
It's hard to be 100% involved unless H hangs up whenever she calls until I'm present--it just isn't always feasible--I do have a life after all, can't come running home from work or whatever to sit in on all calls. But as much as possible, I am there for calls and am co-copied on all emails, am there for visits, etc. And it's hard.
Time helps, having an OW who isn't crazy or neurotic would help me but even there it's settling down somewhat. But I anticipate upswings in her problems and demands--it's so awful that it never goes away.
I've said it before and I'll say it again--dealing with the OC and all that entails makes it harder to deal with the M and the aftermath of the infidelity on your R--just isn't enough time in the day to deal with it all. But especially if OC isn't born yet, work on your R and finding out all you can about the why's and how's and all the questions we have when our spouse has cheated--while you have some time without dealing with visitation, CS, crises with OC, etc.
Not much new here--next visit is in April and we just reserved our tickets. Sort of in an emotional hiatus right now--still think of it every day, but life goes on. And H is happy not to talk about it all the time, I'm tired of bringing it up without a specific topic or thing that's bothering me, and April will be here soon enough to stir up everything again.
In some ways I think it would be easier if OC were nearer so we could finally establish a routine of seeing him, having him, telling people here, etc. But since that would mean that OW would be nearer, I guess I'll take the distance!