In my case it was court ordered and it took 7 weeks, but we have to wait 2 more (you can read my dilemma on the page before this one)
I have a few Q's...
my BF just received a summons to appear at the end of June on a petition from someone claiming her 15 yr old is his child. He had a ONS with this woman and had no contact with her since that time until December 07 when he received a letter from another state's child welfare services. We did consult a lawyer and got advice, but we haven't retained anyone yet. BF then received a written request from our state's child services to come in for a meeting to determine paternity - he called them and said he would come in, but that he was disputing that he was the father. The case worker said if he was disputing it it would have to go through the court and BF told the case worker that was fine with him, he would do whatever the court ordered but he wasn't going to voluntarily agree to anything. Soooo, now he has a summons to appear and we will be going back to the lawyer to see if he should appear with BF.
Here are my Q's...
- did you retain a lawyer to appear with you in any court proceedings? This seems like the smart thing to do and we are leaning towards doing that.
- the court petition has all sorts of personal info on it for both the mother, my BF and the child (names/addresses/SSN's etc.) - does this mean that this woman and her child now have our address? That seems ridiculous to me! If the child does turn out to be BF's he will pay what is ordered, but we do not want any relationship/contact beyond that. The lawyer we consulted told us that the courts can order monetary support if he is the father, but they cannot make him have any kind of relationship with the child. But if the mother/child have BF's address then there is no way to ensure that we will be able to maintain NC.
- the lawyer told BF that the courts will not order him to pay anything for the period of time that he did not know about the child (the past 15 years), but will order it going forward if DNA provies it is his. But it seems the petition is to recover money that was paid to the mother in the past (looks like a medicaid reimbursement), so how does that make sense? BF has no problem having to pay going forward if the child is his, but it would be a big hit if he had to pay back support for 15 years!
Any comments/experience would be appreciated.
My suggestion, get a lawyer to protect yourself. The personal information about your BF may not be made available to the OW and it may be it depends on the state. I had a friend that this happened to she thought that one person was the father of her daughter and after testing him, he was not, so that state made her keep thinking until she came up with a ONS from 15 yrs. ago. He was determined to be the father and he had to pay the state back for all the years that she was on the state benefits. He paid directly to the state and pays CS to her, but does not have contact with her daughter.
So it is a possiblity that if your BF is determined to be the father, he may have to pay some benefits back. Make sure your lawyer has all the facts.
Good luck to you.
Yes my H retained a lawyer to go to court with him. THE BEST MONEY WE EVER SPENT!
Yes they now have your address. If you want to maintain NC let it be known in court.
CS can only be paid from the time paternity is established.
When DNA results come back and the hearing takes place and the judge orders CS that is the day paternity is established.
The Judge in my H's case said there was no way to go after 14 years of back support and medicaid for OC's he did not know were his.
Definitely take a lawyer to court let him do the talking. If you want NC then let it be known in court.
You can pm me if you want.
I feel like pulling my hair out. This is the most awful thing EVER. It is hard to fully reconcile with this hanging over my head.
ALthough, I feel as though my WH has finally 'got it'. When she said it was a boy on her myspace page, I think it made it a reality for my WH, and he finally had a true consequence for his actions.
I'm so ready to see if she actually gives birth.
My only advice to you is something that the wise people here at SI have finally gotten through my thick head is to stay off of OW myspace page. She is just doing and saying things to upset you,don't let her win. Good luck
But I found out she was pregnant from a text sent to me on Dec. 30th saying she was 3 months pregnant and with twins. Then I also came to find out she was taking fertility pills to get pregnant, she new he was married and has known all a long. I just recently got a harrassment injunction against her. She would not stop texting me, and leaving notes on my car, while my FWH and I were out to dinner.
She has also recently posted pictures of her and my H on her my space account.
After being served she then thought she could start to contact my H through his work email address, which is personally set up by him, so It really isn't work formated. I found them right away, and wrote her a nice little letter, she has not made any more emails, but I'm still not positive that there is still NC.
The babies are due in June and we have discussed the babies and the FWH wants to be part of the childrens life, but he also knows that there will be NC without me included, and agrees to this.
I just am not sure I can handel this reminder of what they have done to me for the last yr. 1/2. I wish we could just support them and that be it. If paternity proves they are his.
Don't understand why a women would puposely get pregnant by a married man, that never intended on leaving his wife, no matter what he told her, he always came home to me...
I am looking for words of wisdom, if anyone has any please help me cope with all this, and how do you know that there will not be an emotional bond between the OP and the FWS. Do you ever really feel secure again with your man, He has made much progess and has been alot more attentive to me, and bringing surprises home, he finally brought flowers home for me after asking for a year, with no response. He tells me he is nin love with me again.
Best part of the story: the night he got her pregnant was the day after I underwent an egg harvesting for IVF. So 2 weeks of shots followed by an operation, followed by 2 more weeks of excitement/fear over am I or am I not...and during all of this he knocks up another woman.
IVF didn't work, BTW. Dr. says we probably can't have kids. Or, that is to say, I can't have kids. He'll have one in about 5 more months.
Everyone handles this is a different way, depending on the situation, WS's remorse, and unfortunately, what the OW is like, and whether there will be contact. Most people will emphasize the importance of going through the courts, DNA, and as much NC with OW as possible. We didn't do the court thing cuz OW is in another country--but do pay CS. But protect yourselves as much as you can legally.
My H also had a 5 year, on, then off infidelity, and OC is now 2 years old. We have intermittent contact as they are on another continent now--and it remains difficult even though my H is committed to our M (and says he always was--WTF?).
how do you know that there will not be an emotional bond between the OP and the FWS. Do you ever really feel secure again with your man,
That's the million $ question in my book as well--H had an EA as well as a PA, so the emotional links were already there--and I don't inside think that they will ever be totally broken since NC is not possible. But with me being as much a part of the visitations as possible with our nutty OW, and with him telling me of all phone calls he gets, and them never being alone together unless it's at a day care of in a public place. we get by.
The other thing I've found over the years is that things change constantly--requires new negotiations every visit for us--but my constant of being there visiting and them not being alone is sort of my own line in the sand. But who knows what the future will bring. Sucks.
I don't know if I'll ever be totally secure again--my foundation is forever changed--but at my age, with all the entanglements a long term marriage involves, H trying hard--I'm trying to learn to live with that. I have the feeling that even if there weren't an OC, I'd still have some of those worries or paranoia--part of the package I've chosen to live with.
So sorry MJ about the failure of the IVF--that's a big disappointment and a bigger pill to swallow just knowing about OC. Does your H want contact?
Keep posting and read all the stuff on this thread especially--and as I'm sure you've read, do for yourselves first, establish the boundaries that you can live with, and prepare for a hell of a roller coaster ride emotionally.
I have a hard time excepting the fact that he is gona have babies with someone else, when I married him I knew about the step children 22 yrs ago, and I was never able to have children myself.
Now I'm to old. So this really feels like the ultimate betrayal.. I think maybe he did want her to have his babies, but then I think of his age, and he tells me NO he didn't want to have children this late in his life, but never thought of repacutions of the affair I guess.
Left to his own devices, I think WS will put off doing anything about this until OC is drawing social security. One of the things that led to to A...and the continuation of the A...and the OC... was his unwillingness to deal with things (like wearing a rubber. Seriously, how difficult is that?)
If we're still together in 5 months, i will be the one pushing for the DNA test. I will be the one calling the family atty to get partial custody. I will be the one to pay for it all, too...as well as the CS that the OW currently claims she doesn't want but will almost certainly end up demanding. Did I mention that WS has historically been financially, as well as sexually, irresponsible?
I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I've wasted a giant chunk of my life on this relationship.
I am glad to hear to say that it is not the OC fault. Sometimes it is very hard to get past the hurt we feel about the situation and think about the child.
I too had a very irresponsible H, he is doing better in that catergory now. If I had not pushed for DNA, my H will still be going around thinking that the twins are his. Yes we kept them, but the difference is in the rights the children have and he has.
If you have a nutcase for an OW, it is very important to go by the book to handle everything thru the courts. You have some time to think about if you can even deal with this, because it is hard take it from me. You could decide to go NC if that works for you.
Good luck and keep posting so that we can help you with some strength.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:47 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
I want my marriage to work, but everything is so confusing. The other woman says she doesn't want him to have anything to do with the child but she keeps asking him to babysit.
My FWH had his PA 6 months into our marriage, it lasted about 1 month and produced OC.It was very confusing for us for a long time. OW would say she wanted H to be part of OC life then wouldn't agree to having to go through me to talk about OC and pretty much made it a miserable situation for everyone involved. We haven't had contact with OC for the last 9 years, she will be 11 next month.
You didn't mention whether or not a DNA test had been done to establish paternity. If you and your H haven't done this yet please do so. if the OC is indeed your H then please make sure all arrangments are made through the court system, that way the OW has less control and can't play games and use OC as a pawn.
Hope this helped a bit
THANK YOU. I wa starting to think there was no one out there in my situation. OC is 2 months old (she ws due on valentines day) no paternity yet. He doesn't want one. The woman claims her ex-boyfriend as the father but also tells my WS that he is really the father. So the whole thing is a confusing mess.
I called her today. Left a hateful voicemail that said she should not call him to babysit. If he is going to be in her life then we will go through the courts to do it. Otherwise, she should leave us alone.
i feel guilty for calling, but I also feel powerless in this situation.
So sorry to see you in this situation. Why doesn't your H want a paternity test? Does he feel that she will have control? It is just the opposite.
Please feel free to share my story with you H. My H went for 4 yrs. believing that the girls were his, send OW money, visiting, bonding, put his family on the line the whole time.
Come to find out my H was not the twins father. Had I not demanded DNA tests, he still would be believing it and I still would be dealing with OW.
If the test comes back positive, then you both need to decide the boundaries to be set concerning this OW and OC. Good Luck to you, I know it is very difficult.
How do you have the grace to take those children in? I can't even bring myself to say the little girl's name. I've tried to imagine myself holding her and I just cry. I think he is afraid that if he takes the test, it will become real. Right now he can hide behind the possibility that it might not be his.
PLus he knows that we have been trying to have a baby and he calls himself protecting me from the hurt. I think that is just an excuse
How you handle OC is the personal decision of everyone that goes thru it. You will see members on here that choose NC and others that are involved with the OC. It is what you can deal with.
Protect you from the hurt is just bull. You are already hurt, he betrayed you. Everyone deserves the truth no matter how much it may hurt. He may find out he is not the father and he put his wife thru so much more pain than necessary. Or he is the father and he needs to step up and deal with the situation.
I know that it is extremely hard when you have no children of your own and it is a woman thing to feel threaten that another woman may have your h first born. But you know my feeling is that every child is different and special. I have warm feelings about my first born as well as all of my kids.
And if you decide to R and have a child, you will get that special feeling as well. But the limbo that you are in now, is more stressful than dealing with the A. You deserve to know what you are really dealing with. I hope he decides to get the test done. It took me 10 months from d-day to finally get the test done and the results, the hardest time of my life.
I hope things go better for you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:55 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]