Your posts have given me hope that I can work through the anger. Not sure what H and I are going to do. Today is out 2 year anniversary. I do feel threatened that someone else could have his child and I couldn't. But I don't want to have negative feeling toward the child forever.
Thank you. I am adding your posts to my personal healing journal :)
I am really sad today. My H and I decided that he needed to make the right decisions about our marriage without my direct input (ie - me telling him what to do) After two days, he failed to mention 10 text messages from the OW. I told him that I couldn't live a life that I had to look over my shoulder. I wanted a life without his baggage. I guess it is over and I just can't stop crying. He is trying to place a guilt trip that I am taking our kids away from him on a daily basis. I reminded him that I did not make the decision to turn away from our marriage and create another child, one that is innocent but I cannot accept as part of my life.
I just don't know where to turn. He wants to do what he wants and not give me what I need most- security and peace of mind. My head knows this is probably for the best but my heart is having a hard time.
I am sorry to dump this on you guys. I just don't know where to turn. Thanks for listening.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
I'm so sorry! Sometimes thing's don't work the way we wish they would no matter how hard we try. It sounds to me like your H has his head placed firmly up his backside(I hope that doesn't offend you). Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs. I hope it all turns out alright.
I am so sorry that it has come to this. My H and I were separated for 3 weeks and it almost killed me. My main motivation was to focus on me and my kids and that is what I did during that time.
I had no intention of taking him back at the time and he was very cocky until he lived with OW for 3 weeks and came to realize that is the same as living on the streets.
I know it will be hard,but maybe you need sometime apart for him can get of the fence. I don't understand him making decisions in your marriage that does not have your input, it just doesn't work. It is hard enough to even having OC existing, but when your H is not being remorseful, including you in the contact, put your feelnigs into account, it is almost near to impoosible to continue to have a happy, productive marriage.
Only you know what you can live with, is this what you can live with?
I am hoping that things turn around for you. I will be thinking of you and your family.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 1:07 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]
Anyway, d-day was two months ago, and baby born one month ago. So I was not in the mood for celebrations.
But my question is: will anniversaries always be like this? Does it get better?
XWH died Dec. 2010
The only thing I would add is that for me our wedding anniversary was something I wasn't going to let OW take from me, she took too much already.
[This message edited by sinhurts at 10:49 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
It's been very difficult--OW is somewhat crazy and has put a lot of obstacles in the way of having a regular visitation relationship since she is insane on the topic of her seeing me at all. OW and OC went back to Europe when OC was about 14 months old and he is now 27 months old. We have been visiting as we can, it's been about every 3 or 4 months. H calls every two weeks, from home and in my presence, to talk to OC, and unfortunately OW.
It takes lots of negotiations and tears and time to deal with all of this. One of the hardest things is that it's so important to work on your marriage, to rebuild some trust and a different way of relating to each other, and all the infidelity issues--and there's just not enough time in a day or week to do that plus deal with the OC stuff.
Hang in there--sounds like you just found out and are still reeling. Feel free to PM me anytime--I have lots of experience with dealing with a long distance OC!!
And read everything you can about healing from affairs, here in the healing library for starters. And peek in at the LTA thread--a great bunch of women, and a few men, who are dealing with infidelity of their partners which lasted over two years or so.!
The biggest problem for me was the fact that she was pregnant by OM and (I had a vasectomy 5yrs ago) and we’d decided we wouldn’t have children years before. I don’t really like kids. I mean I have nieces and nephews and I like hanging out with them sometimes, but never wanted any of my own. It was like a double betrayal that I felt so lucky Tess felt the same way and then she was pregnant by this a-hole who was supposed to be my friend on top of it all. Anyway, in dealing with that and talking about it with my wife was where this forum was most helpful, especially this section where people were dealing with the same things I was dealing. I felt horrible because the whole sense of trust is gone in a flash on top of it I was feeling like crap for just not wanting to raise a kid at my age (let alone someone else's) and DEFINITELY not being okay with any arrangement where OM got to stay in our lives.
I'd kept putting off making a decision for not knowing how to say things until we actually talked one night after dinner for like ten hours straight. Just to put my feelings out there like everyone here suggested was the best thing because once I told her I couldn't deal with the kid, we started making progress and she felt free to tell me she couldn't really deal with it either. It's like we were so rusty about marriage... I never thought that was possible. We've been married for sixteen years so it was like if anything we should have had extra experience put away for rainy days.
Rambled long enough now and not even sure I made my point except to say thanks SI forums.
Lmacdonald, now in the painful, slow process of reconciling.
I have been wondering about you. We only had the 1 post from you and I wasn't sure how things were going for you.
I am so happy that you are trying to R. If this is what you truly want it is possible. Your W has made some good first steps by going NC with OM and expressing her feelings, very important.
I am glad that you feel that you have gotten some valuable advice and experience from SI and I wish you and your W good luck in the future.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:34 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
I going to tell you what my H told me and I think it may be the same in your case.
He told me that I was a stronger woman and he knew he would not have to worry about me and our kids because he knew that I would handle everything.
Whereas the OW was a mess, didnt take care of the OC and he had to be there. I think the same thing may be going on with your H. This OW seems weak, dependant, maybe even neglectful of the child.
Does it make it right? HELL NO!! Please remind me, did he get DNA test done? Whether he has or not, again he is putting your feelings 2nd. I went thru this all the way up until we got the DNA tests, my H kept breaking promises to NC with OW. Kept using the excuse about her needing to talk to her kids. If she was such a bad parent that CPS took her kids, why would you keep contact up for her? I think he felt obligated because she spent 10 yrs. of her life on him.
Until your H can keep his word and promises to you, you are not in R. Boundaries are still being crossed.
And no you are not being unreasonable, it is about respect and you are not getting any!
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:29 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
Imacdonald, I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm glad to hear that you both are working on your lines of communication. Good luck to both of you on your R journey.
I am becoming so bitter!!! I haven't done anythig to deserve this - nor has anyone here!!!! Why does this crap keep happening. I am a good person who has worked hard to give my family a good life. I used to be nice, positive and face all my challenges head on, now I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Why did he feel that I was worth so little to do this to me and claim that he took my feelings into consideration when picking the OC up from the grandmother/OW house to take to the sitter. (He says he chose a time that would not affect my kids or me). I wouldn't have asked him to do it for me and during our marriage, he would have told me that he was too busy. Why does he have the time for them???? I just feel that anytime affects us. This family is just going to keep asking for extra help. Why is that our responsiblity!!! Why should my kids have to give up time with their dad???? What did my kids do to deserve this???? None of us asked for this baggage. Why does he expect me to continue to deal with it????
MY H thinks that I am blowing a small issue (picking up OC to take to sitter while the OC's mother recovers from her broken bones)out of proportion. I just feel that this is just the tip of the iceberg. These people want the OC, why ask us to help out. No one helps me. I hire a sitter or make my schedule work. Uuuughhhhh.
What do I do????? MY h says that he wants this to work but I can't handle the OC and his annoying and needy family.
Also, my h wants to introduce my kids to the OC. How do you do that??? How do you explain to a 4 year old about the OC and where he came from????
I just want everything to go away!!!!!! Why won't it get better??????
Did he have DNA test to prove his paternity? He should not even be doing all of this without proof. I think you need to get tough, JIMO, I would consult an attorney to see what your rights are. Are you still living apart? Some people don't know what they have until there is a threat of losing it.
As far as introducing this OC, I don't think it is a good idea that your kids be exposed to this. And if he was a decent father, he would think about your kids welfare before trying to introduce this OC. He is saying that he is not trying to make things difficult for you are take away from you and your kids, but he is everyday.
This is your life, only you can decide what you can live with. I see nothing but heartache for you in the future if there is not a change here. One thing it took me a long time to learn, I can only control myself.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this constantly.
Everyday this week, I have told him that I cannot handle the OC and all that it entails. I have also told him that I want to move on, that I don't like my life right now, I want to be happy and peaceful again. He keeps saying to me that I am blowing everything out context and proportion - that we need one another to work this out. He keeps telling me that the OC will always be in my life whether we are together or apart. My response to that has been that I will only have to hear about it when my kids mention it to me - not as a daily slap in the face when the OW sends a text needing help. How do I make him understand that if he can't have it both ways. He can't keep the OC's family happy and his family happy at the same time. Someone is going to get hurt every time. If it is not me, it is one of the kids. I feel that if I am happy and content with life, my kids will be fine and well adjusted. If it wasn't for my kids, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. They really are the best. And they deserve teh best.
OH - We are still living apart. I refuse to sell or move from my wonderful townhouse. : )
Just letting you all know you are in my thoughts, and I'm hopeing all is well .
I have also found out that she had told my FWH that she was on birth control, and after she disclosed to him that she was pregnant, that she had been taking fertility pills, She is almost a stalker to us. I have gotten a restraining order against her, for me.
But it has come to my attention that my H was trying to end it with her, and she found out that I was unable to have children, she thought this would be here way of winning him back, or that after she got pregnant he would leave me for her.
Well she could not be more wrong, H does not want kids now in this stage of our lives, and she might have done me a favor, of making him realise how pathetic she really is, She is still hanging on to the notion that maybe after he sees the kids, he will fall so in love with them, that he will choose to stay with her. LOL
But I am getting scared about the whole contact situation. I still have not seen her face to face, how do you handel that? And I also think she will probably move back to Washington, where her family lives, because it will be to hard to raise 4 children on a nail tech's money. With 2 new twins in the mix (all boys).
She is still posting pictures of my H & Her on the web, now she is posting new pregnancy pictures there.
What a Tramp. How a women can justify to them selves, what they are doing is right, taking fertility pills to get pregnant by an older married man, sleeping in his wives bed with her husband, telling me what excites him, like I don't already know much more than she will ever know.
Sorry about the long post, just need to get it out. FWH and I had a great talk about all of this, and now I feel we are so much closer and stronger.
One good thing came out of all of this, we have become better friends and lovers. Which I don't think our marriage would have become this strong, close and better bonding without the A. But the OC could have not happened, and the A could have not as well, don't get me wrong, but it is a way for me to accept what happened, and not try to let the "what if's" take over my thoughts, so this is how I have learned to accept what the past, has done to my future.
Just not sure what will happen when the OC arrive. I really think she will realise how much my H did not want kids and all it intails. He works long hours, with 1 day a week for himself & I. And I will not let her have my special alone day with him, our children already know that is mom & dads day. Hardly any one ever calls or comes by on that day. And it will stay that way if I have anything to say about it.