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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
notapuppet
♀ Member
Member # 16480
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is 35 - wonderful age it sounds like! I've never seen my H take a drink in the morning. But, he certainly makes up for it in the evenings. Before we had a child it would bother me at times, but most of the time not - I would drink with him, just not as much. I can't stay out drinking until midnight and then function at work the next day without feeling exhausted. He can. Now I'm at home most nights alone with our son while he's sitting at the fire station drinking with his buddies. I can't imagine picking that over my sweet little boy! I worry about the affect it will have on our son. Will he resent his dad for being gone all the time - or will he (GOD FORBID) do the same thing?


Me: 39
Him: 37
Together: 9 years
Married: 4.5 years
2.5 year old son

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWS worked from home when we were together, so he had no obstacles to prevent him from starting to drink whenever he wanted.

I actually had NO idea he was drinking that early until one day when I went home from work sick. I walked in the house to find him on the phone with something hidden behind his back. Beer. 9 a.m.

He must have been doing it for months and months but since I was at work, I had no idea. That's when I started to realize just how bad it really was.

Drinking with them is called 'co-drinking' and it's usually one of the many things the SO of an alcoholic tries, hoping it will somehow help the situation. It's unhealthy of course (and too many calories!)...I did it myself for a while but I just don't like drinking all that much! And yes, it takes me forever to recover b/c I don't have the tolerance of a bear.

I think you should worry about your son, nontapuppet. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I know from experience that the listed characteristics you'll read if you google 'adult children of alcoholics' holds true. At least for me and most everyone I know who grew up with alcoholism.

There must be some literature out there to help you figure out to make this easier on your growing son. He will not be immune in the long run.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I just want to say I hate that he drinks.It drives me nuts.
Lately he is bringing home a twelve pack on his way home from work.He drinks most of it if not all of it.
How the hell does a person drink a twelve pack.
He doesnt get sick,nothing.
I hate seeing the bottles on the counter or anywhere.I cant even stand to see him bringing the shit in the house anymore.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chelle - I could have written your post. My bf drinks anywhere from 6-10 beers (sometimes more) every night. It's to the point where when I hear him pop the top on them - I cringe. It's disgusting.

I just don't understand the pull of the alcohol. It's like he can not wait until he gets home so he can rush to the fridge and get a beer. Yuck.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
hanecita
♀ Member
Member # 10297
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the other Hallmarks of an alcoholic drinker is that they have a "Hollow leg"...that is that they have a capacity to pack away ALOT of beer, wine, or booze before it affects them..at some point, when they have been drinking way too much, they lose the hollow leg.

This is true of my WH, and our daughter, has reported, unfortunately, that she can drink her friends under the table, and it doesn't seem she can barely feel it.

If your alcoholic partners haven't started to 'hide' and 'stash' the alcohol yet, that is one of the next steps....The beer drinkers will move onto something with a higher aloohol content, because it just takes too much beer.

Keep your eyes out friends.
Be prepared to jump ship if you have to. Ususally, the trip is all downhill from here. I would strongly recommend the book by Doug Thorburn : Drugs, Drunks and Debts


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2006
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

notapuppet -

My WH is an alcoholic that hasn't had a drop since d-day.

Over six months later, he is now realizing how much drinking affected his home life, aside from his cheating.

He is still grumpy at times, but much less so...I think the kids prefer the even-keeled, somewhat stressed Mr. HT to the Mr. HT who would get too happy, too rough, too playful, and just too damn drunk.

He has re-invested in home and family, and is seeing that other people, myself incuded, can deal with familial issues without alcohol.

I ask the kids how they like the new, beer free Mr. HT...and each and every one of them says they feel much, much better having daddy sober.

Its hard. When you live with someone who is an active alcoholic, sometimes its hard to see the damage being done because you are in it.

When they become sober - that is when you see...

FYI - drinking again, for my WH, is a deal breaker - he drinks again, he understands that he is leaving, period.

Perhaps not the most understanding approach - but its mine.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
jac hopeful
♀ Member
Member # 8672
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a member of SI for many years now, sadly. But this is the first time I have gotten on this part of it.
I believe my H is an alcoholic. A very functioning alcoholic. He does not drink during days but once his employees and partners leave most days he starts poping those beer cans.
He admits he uses this as a medication to relieve stress. And yes he does have a very stressful job. He runs many different companies. But on the other hand he a few years ago seemed to have an addiction to starting new companies(during LTA) just to see if he could. now many are having a hard time.
H has loved beer since he was a teenager. I just thought it was part of the package with him. Now it seems his identity to others is you think of him and beer in the same thought.
I am tired of his personality change. Not mean just, not nice either. Falling asleep in front of tv...SNORING!!! I drink, but very little. It just makes me feel bad. Maybe 1 or two if we go out on a weekend. So I am not his fun drinking partner in this.
Most of our friends have a drink. we have a lake place, theres drinking.... I mean when I think about it everywhere we go there is drinking. The difference is most of the others do not do it on a daily basis.
Our Mc's in the past have said that the drinking needs to stop before we can really work on us. BUT after 30 years am I being unrealistic to put my foot down and say enough is enough, the drinking has to stop? He does not get falling down drunk but he does get argumentative and most of all drives this way!
We have 4 sons. 3 are adults and all drink some heavier than others. I am so worried about their future. My FIL drinks also. we still have a sweet 14 boy at home. I just want the cycle to stop. I know it is wrong. I just wish H could see, he could still have fun without beer.
I have been looking online and I ran across the "Big Book"? from AA. Question is do you think it would be helpful if I downloaded or had him download it so he can sit and listen to it while he is working? He is his own boss and works about 14 hrs a day. How should I suggest this?
H knows I am upset about this and acts "sorry" and like he wants to stop but then it just goes back to the same behavior.
Thanks
JAC


Me BS 51
Him WS 50
M 32 HS sweethearts
3 D-day- 1ons, 1lta, 1nc broken
filed for D again on 7-19-10, 3 days before our 32nd wedding anniversary.
D final- 3/3/11

Posts: 1086 | Registered: Oct 2005
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got to love the sound of the top being popped. It makes me cringe too.
He has one to two on his way home from work, while driving.
Last week he got angry with me and had no place to go,so where does he go?
The whore hole bar he used to go to.
I often wish the place would burn down,not to harm anyone but to get rid of the place.
Thats a bad place for me.Too many bad memories for me and not him.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sound makes me cringe too - but the only thing that gets popped open now is soda.

My WH went through an enforced period of sobriety in his first M - and because he "had to" stay sober, he did, but he was still in denial.

IMO, and alcoholic has to want to be sober. My WH says - There is one thing for sure you don't have to worry about, and that is me having a drink - even one - because I know one leads to many. I was a total and complete asshole, and I never want to be that person again.

If I had asked him to stop drinking before he ended up sleeping with a bunch of bar sluts, he would have never come out of denial - because he would have been doing it for me.

After seeing the devestation his cheating, which was all done while under the infuence, has done to himself, the woman he loves, and his family, as well as what it would do to his reputation and career - his whole life! if it continued...

He values his sobriety, and is proud of it.

They have to want to stop.

I could not R with my WH if he continued drinking...I just couldn't do it.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no desire to drink either.
I will once in a while but dont find any enjoyment in it.
Maybe because ever since we have been together I have always been the designated driver even when I didnt want to be.
I am a control freak in this department anyway.
I just dont see the point of being drunk.Drunk = sick to me anyway.
I have kids and life to take care of.Hangovers dont do it for me.
Then I also saw how both of my parents behaved under the influence as well.
My maternal grandfather was a severe alcoholic.Straight vodka,nasty,abusive and burned their trailer down to the ground once,when he got angry at my grandmother.
She had come to visit us when we were kids.She had come from North Carolina to Maine without him.I think she had left him and he got pissed and set their trailer on fire.Burned everything.
So there is just so much to lose from the abuse of it.
Most dont see it and dont care.
I know my H doesnt care.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
14thebooks
♀ Member
Member # 12661
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were married about 22 years when my H, a high functioning, full blown alcoholic got sober. This is how it came about for us:
He used to drink at night in front of the tv. The typical "honey get me another beer" scenario.
Then we had some neighbors move on to the block who like to sit outside, while the kids played, and drink...and drink...and drink. I had a 3 year old...my others were older. I would go and sit with them bored out of my mind.. my dd3 would beg to go with him and the other kids.
Then one day, I decided not to participate anymore.
I would decline the offer to go sit in someones driveway and drink all night. I stayed home and read books.
I stopped getting beer for him. Stopped "fetching" them and stopped buying them. Told him to buy them himself. My daughter was not allowed to get daddy another either. I told him "my kids aren't waitstaff. Please help yourself." I was always nice, never ranted, never raved. Sweet.
I did not allow alcohol gifts. No gifts of wine, funny t-shirts, duffle bags with "budweiser" on them. He used to give me a hard time and tell me I wasn't going to change anyone...
I didn't care. I said it's my money and I'm not buying anything that glorifies drinking....
Eventually, and it took a while, when he finally saw how much his world focused around alcohol...and how much I was absent from his life due to not participating...he couldn't help but notice that he had a problem.
He eventually came to me to ask for help to stop drinking.
BINGO.
BTW, I enjoy a glass of wine now and then. Always have and never stopped. I thought/think it was important to show what a responsible drinker looks like. I was not a "stick in the mud". I am a fun person who enjoys socializing. But drinking to oblivion is not my idea of a good time.
There's hope, no matter how long the persons been drinking. My H is sober 7 years now. Now he is addicted to AA, but...well I can think of worse things.

[This message edited by 14thebooks at 6:06 AM, February 3rd (Sunday)]


48 y/o WW
50 y/o BS
Married 27 ys

Posts: 553 | Registered: Nov 2006
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's Friday and I sometimes dread the w/ends. Seems to be more alcohol involved and an earlier start on Saturday/Sunday.

We have had quite the tense week this week - I'm pulling away from him and he senses it but does not see where his drinking is a problem. We are NEVER going to agree on this. My feelings towards him are changing and I care "less" about what he's doing or where he's going blah blah.

Just venting here - I'm so very sad and quite frustrated that our relationship may very well come to an end over this crap.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
notapuppet
♀ Member
Member # 16480
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand - weekends are tough. I'm in the same boat. I know that I need to just make plans for myself and not care what he's doing. It's hard though, when they come in late at night and they are drunk. Or you lay in bed wondering how drunk they are, if they are laying dead in a ditch, or in jail with a DUI, etc. Just not the ideal way to live. It's amazing what a person will put up with! Some days I feel like a complete idiot!


Me: 39
Him: 37
Together: 9 years
Married: 4.5 years
2.5 year old son

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I just started posting and have to say this thread has been helpful. My WH is an alcoholic among other addictive behaviors. I was really hoping that my leaving would be his bottom but no such luck. I guess losing his wife was not big enough. I truly believe that his alcoholism contributed to his affairs and porn addiction. I wish he would get help but he's too content drinking, no responsibilites, as much porn and ow as he wants


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask a dumb question?? How do you know if someone is an alcoholic? My wh drinks almost every night. A margarita or a beer or maybe two. Not a lot. It bothers me that it's every night though. It doesn't affect the way he behaves and doesn't interfere with our ife at all. Can some people drink every night and not be an alcoholic??

I have askedhim on certain nights not to drink just to see if he could and he didn't drink that night. He never really has more than two drinks a night, but I guess usually one.

Sorry for intruding. Just trying to get a grasp on things.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there are some questions that help one to determine this. I'd have to find it and post the link. Generally, normal drinking for men is no more than 2 drinks a night and 1 drink for women. Also, if his personality changes is a big sign. My WH was the nicest guy on earth. I felt so lucky. That person is dead. He is not the same man. Never in a million years would I have predicted the drastic change in his personality, attitudes, behavior.

This site has some good info:

soberrecovery dot com

then click on forums

There's a friends and family forum that has sticky's at the top with info. Hope this helps.

[This message edited by Why?? at 4:44 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing what a person will put up with! Some days I feel like a complete idiot!

Ahem...well you aren't alone. I too wonder what the f*** am I doing most days?

It doesn't affect the way he behaves and doesn't interfere with our ife at all.

Well as wrong as it may be to say this - I would give ANYTHING if this were the case at our house. However, it's the total opposite most times - the alcohol does in fact change his personality...he gets argumentative and hard to deal with. It's not the actual drinking that bothers me the most - it's the change in personality that I can't stand.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed--it's not the drinking itself, but the behaviors that result from intoxication that are so intolerable.

I could hear over the phone if XWS had been drinking. His voice changes, gets more gruff and his laugh changes, gets more obnoxious and loud and coarse.

He was never mean, but was pushy and oblivious to the needs and desires of those around him (including me, of course).

He drove drunk, spent gobs of money on alcohol, hid money to fund his habit, hid bottles around the house to try and hide the ridiculous amount he was drinking, spent hours at the bar and on two occasions didn't come home at all and didn't call, either.

Now I know that he was with LTA (much older) OW on those nights. At the time he told me he crashed on 'some guy's' floor. I can't believe I believed him. I just had no idea he would cheat. I thought he was commited to me.

I'm quite sure that his alcoholism contributed to his affair. And I know it contributed to his having made out with a coworker at the bar one night.

So sad, so destructive. I miss my XWS but I do not miss his drinking. It was THE main issue in our relationship. He changed so much over the last few years--he stopped trying to meet my needs, he stopped being attentive and romantic, he stopped wanting to spend time with me (unless it involved drinking which it rarely did). His entire world revolved aroud his drinking and all of his friends were heavy drinkers, too.

I know that I was the mirror reflecting his horrible problem. The other women? They told him he was great, they didn't care if he drank or was drunk...most of them were drunk themselves.

But me? I was the wife sitting at home waiting for her husband, often angry, often disappointed, often sad. Money was a huge issue since he spent more than he made...so much fallout from this addiction.

I hear he's drinking much less now (he has to now that he has a full-time job), but I know it's only a matter of time before it escalates again. He's a ticking timebomb and eventually he'll be back at it.

I, too, hoped that losing his life with me, most of his/our possessions, having to live on his own for the first time ever and his DUI would be his rock bottom. Not so. And I wonder just what it will take for him...if anything.

I hate to admit this, but if he did quit drinking and stayed sober for a very significant period of time, got into a program or IC, I would be tempted to take him back. I adore him sober. There is no one else I would rather spend time with.

Sigh.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Betrayed74-

I could really relate to your post.

So sad, so destructive. I miss my XWS but I do not miss his drinking. It was THE main issue in our relationship. He changed so much over the last few years--he stopped trying to meet my needs, he stopped being attentive and romantic, he stopped wanting to spend time with me (unless it involved drinking which it rarely did). His entire world revolved aroud his drinking

It is horrible how alcoholism robs us of the people we fell in love with. I am at the 6 month mark of being separated with NC and it hurts so much. I know he has a disease but the final straw was the ow. I will not put up with that. The drinking was bad enough but the lies, sneaking, clearing internet history, hiding cell phone records, etc. It was too much to deal with on top of the alcoholism.

I also related to this quote of yours:

I hate to admit this, but if he did quit drinking and stayed sober for a very significant period of time, got into a program or IC, I would be tempted to take him back. I adore him sober. There is no one else I would rather spend time with.

I do still pray for his recovery but I know it could never happen and I already gave him the best years of my life. I can't hold out hope any longer.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to admit this, but if he did quit drinking and stayed sober for a very significant period of time, got into a program or IC, I would be tempted to take him back. I adore him sober. There is no one else I would rather spend time with.

Honey - don't "hate to admit that" - you are not alone in feeling this way. I feel this way but I'm STILL with mine. I still have a very small amount of hope that one day he'll wake up and see the light. Yeah, yeah I know, I know.



The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
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