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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been sober for almost 1 year now !
Miracles CAN happen. I for one thought the drink was stronger than his desire to stay M to me. His sobriety was a NON NEGOTIABLE item on my list for R.

His sobriety has made a HUGE difference in our M ....I always said dealing with his drinking was FAR WORSE than dealing with his A.


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Yes, I'm still here but spending most time in the D/S forum. My stbxh is still in denial and we are NC for my own well being and sanity The divorce is moving forward and I pray it gets signed and settled before he hits his bottom. I still pray for his recovery. Too bad such a wonderful person was ravaged by this horrific disease. I keep the memories of the person I knew before the disease progressed and only think of what he became when I feel nostalgic and miss him. It's the only way for me to move on and save myself.

Hugs to you all

[This message edited by Why?? at 7:55 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Jim_and_I
♀ New Member
Member # 15390
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, still check in periodically to this board. Even though my WS is not an active alcoholic, he still carries all the personality traits. He's an avid member of AA and belongs to several of its Boards. He goes to meetings 2 or 3 times per week. He no longer accompanies me to church because AA is his "spirutual higher being" which makes me very sad.

He not only completed the 12 steps of AA but went on to the infamous 13th step which is having an LTA with another recovering alcoholic.

Just curious....anyone else out there have WS who frequented prostitutes? Mine did and had a knife pulled on him and money stolen...I only found out 3 or 4 years later. How am I supposed to digest that information? He went on from that experience to see n MORE hookers AND have an LTA.

I have yet to go to an Al-Anon meeting in my state; I went in a previous state and didn't like it; too clique-y.

Keep up the faith everyone! And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but just because your WS stops drinking doesn't mean his -oholic personality goes away. It never does...

(((hugs)))


that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger....at least that's the theory!!!

D-Day 1: Nov 2004
D-Day 2: Feb 10, 2007
D-Day3: Oct. 29, 2007
how stupid AM i?
Kids: 2 girls 9 and 12
Married 18 yrs.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not certain if my WS is alcoholic or not-she may just be using it to excuse her A.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Celilo
♀ Member
Member # 17259
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deleted for lack of response.
No harm. No foul.
Just too personal to leave with no result.

[This message edited by Celilo at 6:51 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


It takes exactly the same amount of energy to hate as it does to love. Loving is more fun.

Posts: 539 | Registered: Dec 2007
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
notapuppet
♀ Member
Member # 16480
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondered if anyone was out there?? Haven't seen much activity here in a while.


Me: 39
Him: 37
Together: 9 years
Married: 4.5 years
2.5 year old son

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checkin' in. I had a very unusual day. My stbxh called me at work today (while drunk). It really has opened up a lot of wounds. He also said he found my postings on an addiction support web site - great, my safe place there is gone. I am really sad as I had hoped that maybe by some miracle he had really stopped drinking (we were NC for 7 months prior). Thanks for listening

[This message edited by Why?? at 4:40 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - I'm still here. Hanging in there - taking it all one day at a time. Still dealing with the drinking and the wonderful attitude that comes during the drining.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
somanytears
♀ Member
Member # 18198
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in...
WH is "functional" alcoholic--manages it very well in other areas of his life. Has not quit drinking,but is learing with the help of his IC to manage it in personal life.
Cant go to a formal alcohol treatment program because of the nature of his job---highly secure. So,he is trying to manage on his own.
Hes really trying and doing wonderfully so far.

Keep your fingers crossed....


"Surviving is important,thriving is elegant"
Maya Angelou


Me--BS (54)
Him--WS (58)
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
DDay 02/10/08
Current status:31 years...sigh.


Posts: 912 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi somanytears,

I was just wondering what his IC does to help him? I just found out my stbxh has seen an addiction counselor. Sadly, he cancelled his last appt. to drink


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I just got back from an Alanon meeting and do feel better. Stbxh called me out of the blue last week and I can't believe I fell for it. He missed me, was so happy to be talking to me, wanted to get help...then all of a sudden no calls...so I call him and he's cold now and sorry he called me and upset me and for me to "be well". I am feeling so hurt all over again...thanks for listening.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to drop into this thread to support others dealing with alcoholic WS/FWSs....

Its not a very active thread but i believe that there are a lot of us out there.

Notice in my profile - fwh is sober now (going on 10 months) and sobriety has definitely helped...fact is if he decided to drink again his ass would be out the door...really no doubt about it....

But I wanted to offer a shoulder for others dealing with this...I'll check back, or PM me...

Big Hug
HT


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
ripple
♀ New Member
Member # 19355
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married for 18 years, with 3 children. My husband is in recovery and as he approached his tenth anniversary (a year and a half ago), a POS approached him at an AA meeting. He was in an expensive suit, talking about his business and she must have seen a way out of her pit.
His sponsor knew me, knew our kids, knew that I stayed supportive during my husband's recovery - yet he gave him a big thumb's up to go ahead with an affair. Told him "you only live once." My H shared with a posse of AA friends - not a single one disapproved. They told him to enjoy it while he lasted. I'm sure there are good people in AA but the only ones I know of are immoral...again, those are most likely the ones who attracted my H. I'm very broken.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: New York
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ripple)))

That is so hard, I am sorry...

Staying sober is no guarantee that they will stay faithful, too true.

The bigger problem lies in where the addiction stem from...and they can sneak back in in other way shape or forms...

Even though your WH is in AA and sober...the need for external validation obviously was not addressed. That is something only he can change.

(((Big HUG)))

y fwh wouldn't go to the program in our area becuase of just that reason. Many years ago before he met me he was court-ordered to attend...and he described most of the people there as people looking to support each other in their victimhood...for example...just a few months ago one of the people helping to run the program got busted for drugs...

I KNOW AA has helped support so many people, I am not bagging on AA...but if your area doesn't have a solid supportive group, well, my FWH is doing well on his own...knock on wood!

ETA - SCORNED - I loved hearing your post...sometimes I feel like making sobriety a requirement for staying married as unpopular...but FWH is not staying sober for me, he is staying sober because he wants to be.

This I know.

[This message edited by healingtree at 10:51 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all - please send me strength - I just looked at H's alcohol consumption over the past couple of months and it's elevated again.

I need to talk to him again and I know it's not going to be pretty.

But I have to do it. I can't live having to figure out when H is buzzed or not - he is a very high functioning drinker. Even I can't tell half the time anymore...

Either tonight or this weekend, but we need to sit down again and talk. He's just drinking way too much.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
ripple
♀ New Member
Member # 19355
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, healingtree. What I've learned now is that AA is a support group that will support its members in whatever they are going through, as long as it doesn't involve drinking. Lots of scummy people propping each other up with their cultish lingo. I know I sound venomous but my husband destroyed our family and AA did nothing but pat him on the back. His sponsor...can you believe it?

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: New York
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((funnystory)))

sending prayers your way...

If your WH is still drinking, then he is still in denial, period.

An alcoholic cannot "cut back"...they have to stop.

I understand the difficult talk you have ahead of you.

Before d-day, when FWHs drinking would escalate, I would have those talks...but created no boundaries regarding it.

I knew what direction it was heading (so drunk he wouldn't care/think and do something to devestate me) and I was right.

And he continued to do so until he got caught.

He thought he could control it, but he couldn't...once the beast is in you, it takes over all morals you ever thought you had.

Perhaps it is time to make some new boundaries to protect yourself...

No drinking period, or you are gone.

You can't make him change...but you don't have to live with the fear.

He needs to make that choice for real.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
sickened
♀ Member
Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there are no guarantees in life. I knew that when I married H, but I don't know how to live with this anymore.

I thought I understood addiction because my own codependent behavior seemed so similar. I needed to use the 12 steps myself to get healthy. when H and I met, he was sober, and I thought we were both at the same place in life. having been self-destructive literally almost to the point of death, we both never ever wanted to go down that road again.

he is now declaring that he just stopped the drugs and alcohol before he met me but that he never actually worked the program. he thought he was different. he thought he didn't need the program, he had it all under control. of course he did not tell me any of this or I never would have married him.

he went to AA meetings for years (or maybe he didn't, but said he did) and I thought he was keeping himself healthy. now he says he was just sitting there going through the motions. ok. if I was some other person hearing that I would say "wow, that's amazing that you were able to go 11 years before going back to the drinking. thank god you're back in your program now." but I can't have that reaction. I feel more betrayed by him. now our whole marriage has been a farce. who did I marry? he says I married the man he "wanted to be", but couldn't be. am I not to feel betrayed by that? cheated by that? I moved forward believing we were both on the same path and we never were. this is so much deeper than the A.

do you know what I mean? do you think that he needs to get clean and sober alone and only then can he have a relationship with someone else? I believed that when I met him. I was glad that I met him after his "rock bottom" and mine. he was active in AA and I was in IC and CODA, ACOA. I thought we were in the same place in life. now I don't know if we ever were. maybe that doesn't matter, but how can I trust him now that I feel as if the batrayal has been since day 1 of our relationship?

he admits he has NEVER worked his program. I am baffled. who is he? what have I done by building a family with an imposter?

do you believe there is any way for us to start over? I don't know if I want to first of all, but is it even possible?


BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sickened...

It sounds like he is giving up. I wouldn't look at the entire relationship as a lie or a farce. My immediate response to your post is that while he was sober, you did have as good a marriage as you thought...but that his issues that remained unresolved wore him down to the point that he has forgoteen what its like to lose...kwim?

He needs to move forward towards a greater healing, doubts he can, so he goes the route of "lack of control" and says he can't be the man he wants to be.

That, my friend, is a total cop out. He CAN be that man. It is a choice, a CHOICE!

He just doesn't know HOW. There is ALWAYS a way.

You can choose to walk away, and that would be understandable. I'm trying right now to put myself in your shoes...

I think I would be soooo angry I would kick him in the pants real hard and tell him, no, coping out is not a friggin option!

But the fact is, you can't make his choices for him...just let him know that not only hasn't he been fair to you...but he hasn't been fair to HIMSELF.

Big Hug


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

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