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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH is an alcoholic at least imo. he's just now starting to think he has a problem.

i've threatened before, i've pleaded before, i've lectured but never really done anything about it. i did do a few things but nothing big. i refused to have sex if he was drunk. so we quit having sex. i refused to have a conversation with him about anything big or serious or pretty much at all after the 4th beer. we quit talking. beer wins.

this time around i told him R is not even a consideration unless he quits and gets some sort of help to quit. he doesn't like AA so i said regular and IC and some sort of inpatient. who knows if he will.

i realized today that i'm making his life too easy. in a few communications, i've been too pleasant, even friendly. he needs to be uncomfortable or we're just going to go back to what were, roommates but this time he won't even have the confines of M to feel guilty about.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hexed...I did the same things...no more sex when you come home drunk...etc...

and the beer won too...and so did the saddest and most painful part of him...the part of him that I can safely say I hate right now...

Because when I refused to have sex with him, he got it from whatever drunk was sitting next to him at the time.

He even told me, after a few drinks one night, that if I wouldn't give it to him, he would find it somewhere else...I thought that it was the booze talking...he did it, he did exactly what he said he would.

I call that man a POS.

I was thinking about it today...FWH went fishing with a buddy yesterday, and this guy brought a 12-pack with him, and tried to get my FWH to have one, "c'mon, just one or two won't hurt!"

FWH told me about it, and I felt like telling his "buddy" -

When he says no, he MEANS IT. One beer is the first step on his path to HELL. I have been to that hell - been there and back, and there is no frigging way I am ever going through that hell again EVER!!! I would leave him faster than you can blink if he EVER started drinking again - flat out gone without looking back!

I'm not going to say this of course...his friend has no idea that he cheated. The booze is my FWHs boundary that he needs to defend.

When I got home from work (shortly after the fishing trip) FWH was freshly showered and smelled like cologne. He said, do I smell nice? I put it on just for you.

I noticed the last time he went out fishing, he did the same thing...

And yes yes yes anyone who has lived this would question.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, I would freak out if WH ever did that after what i've been through.

i don't think the A was about sex and our lack of it. it was an EA for a long time as far as i can tell from the e-mails. the sex seems as though it was clearly to spite me or revenge.

my WH would drink the 12 pack on his own. although he has been forced to cut back b/c he kept telling me that he quit. what a joke. he's still a jerk even on less beer.

i still don't know if he'll quit or not. but i'm tired of waiting.

the thing that drove me insane for a few weeks is that not only was she actively trying to lure my WH away, she was helping him break his promise to me by offering up beer at every encounter. oh we can go to the "XXX" pub and have pizza and beer. "oh i'll bring the beer and something to cook" "lets just grab a beer"


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ww is an alcoholic & drinks at work-this is of course against co policy-should I call her supervisor?


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmm...good question. i could argue that either way. i'm inclined to have a "hands off" policy now. in other words, i'm not going to bring trouble onto WH, figuring that he'll do it fine by himself. but i'm not going to bail him out anymore when he does.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed...

yeah... the cologne thing is a trigger - if it happens again I'll point it out to him...

Fact is, if FWH started drinking again, I would know it about a month from the time it started. After drinking a few times, and the booze was in him, he would come home and start trying to justify why it would be okay and that would be it.

Perhaps the thing you need to do is just draw the line with him...booze or me...

I don't know how people handle continuing to live with it, I truly don't...but I am not them, and not living their lives.

AND shit I lived with it for a long time...just didn't know exactly what "IT" was...

I guess what has really changed in me is my willingness to walk away.

[This message edited by healingtree at 11:32 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the line is drawn. i told him last friday night that the only path to R with me now is 100% sobriety with professional assistance of some sort. IC, in-patient, whatever but no solo attempt b/c that doesn't deal w/the underlying issue.

he understands. but he still isn't ready to say that he has a problem. until he does. he sleeps in his own room.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so here i am again *sigh*

how long did you wait or not wait for your alcoholic to get sober?

when they did sober up, what made you know that they were really trying, not hiding?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
afraidspouse
Member
Member # 19435
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is also an alcoholic.. I will never trust him drinking..never.. He gets way to social and if some girl came up to him, I think he'd eat it up..he says he would not..but I don't believe him. I remember when I went to AA's meetings for him..well no offense against AA..but anything you did while drunk was excused because thats not you it's the drinking ..at least thats what this group all thought..well hows about this if you know how you are drinking..then don't drink..

Posts: 158 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Missouri
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long do you wait for the alcoholic to get sober. Sadly, the answer is.......you should not wait at all, they may never get sober!

70% of alcoholics never beat their addiction. Its true, they may go periods of time with sobriety, and then "Fall off the Wagon " again and again. So reversing the stat, only 30% manage to beat the addiction and never drink again. Not very good odds.

Always remember, alcoholics lie....thats what they do. They lie when they don't have to lie. It seems to go hand in hand with the addiction. The alcoholic will seek the company of others that reinforce their addiction. The old adage "Drunks love a Drunk" is true. My experience with AA groups is mixed and negative. I think AA can help the alcoholic if it is run with the help of an addiction specialist. Otherwise, it's an asylum run by the inmates. Male alcoholics seem to prey on the female alcoholics and they are willing participants.....they reinforce each others addictions, continue the denial and blame their spouse for their drinking problems.

My advice.....you must protect yourself emotionally, financially and physically from the addict. You must do this so you can protect your children.

Sometimes the drowning man must drown. You have to let go and swim to shore or you will be pulled into the depths with the addict.


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i've about had it w/my alcoholic WS. he's been drinking the whole time he's promised me that he wouldn't big surprise there.

h/e i just want to address the statistic about 70% of alcoholics don't stay sober. i've seen that number before. i talked to my IC a bit about this also as well as having some first hand experience.

no, they don't say sober but for many the relapses are short and far apart. i wouldn't consider slipping up after 5yrs of sobriety or even a year the same as drinking after a month. my step dad had been sober for 8 years when he married my mom. on occasion in their marriage there have been some slips. my mom recognizes it very quickly and helps him find his sobriety again. she's not willing to through away 20yrs of marriage as long as he stops again right away. and i can see her point.

in my case. i just need him to stop one time. i don't see him as capable of that.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed...What you said about your mom taking your step-dad back...and reconciling with an alcoholic well...down the line 5 or ten years...I can't say what I would do...tht would depend.

BUT FOR NOW - if my FWH started drinking again...the only answer I would have is GTF out.

Your wh needs to take responsibility for his addiction.

He is not.

Protect yourself, and pm if you need.

FWIW - my FWH does talk about his desire to drink every so often, but has an awareness of the danger and addiction. It IS possible to get to that place.

Your WH has not realized the impact/damage of what he is doing...by telling him he cannot be a part of your life while he is actively drinking, the consequences to his actions will be clear...and you will be doing it for yourself, NOT to manipulate him into behaving.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just bumping this thread up


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am such a thread-killer

If anyone needs to PM feel free...

I'm here almost everyday.

[This message edited by healingtree at 10:57 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine is sober 3 wks


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

congratulations. thats a good start!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm still here. It's been 1 month of NC with stxwh after his false cry for help. I feel like such a fool for falling for it. Trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart once again. One day a time...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30+ days sober


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is good news! How is your WS managing to stay sober? AA? Counseling?


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile since I've posted last but I wanted to stop by to say that I have finally called a therapist for MYSELF! I need help.

As for alcoholic boyfriend (who really isn't an alcoholic right?) he is still in denial and still drinking most every day. "I'll cut back" "I won't drink every day" "I don't drink that much do I" WHATEVER. I could just puke most days.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
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