Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: chen (43228)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTL- thats what my WH says to. what a joke.

get out and stay out. good on ya for getting yourself some help. you'll need it. they can sound so damn sincere


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW os going to AA


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
sickened
♀ Member
Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my FWH was sober when I met him. he stayed sober for 10 years. he drank behind my back for 18 months! the last 6 months of it involved a female drinking buddy! he has now been sober for 3.5 months. I have never seen him take a drink or seen him drunk! he compartmentalized it and did it when he had somewhere to stay over night so I would never know. sneaky bastard!


BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn, that's tough,,sorry sickened.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
crisisac
♀ Member
Member # 18486
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question. Is an affair different for an alcoholic than a nonalcoholic. My H had an E/A as far as I know but it seems like he has gone through stages denial, anger, sorry, asshole, that last stage got him kicked out since I was pregnant when I found out I waited for the baby to be born things didn't improve so he's out and the other night he came and cried and said he missed me and was sorry. It seems like after I found out he has been drinking a lot more. Now thar he's out of the house he's about 12lbs thinner and doesn't look too good. I think he's depressed.

Posts: 828 | Registered: Mar 2008
mmnop
♀ Member
Member # 19624
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today my father-in-law was admitted to the hospital for the third time for alcoholism. He is killing himself. My husband is also an alcoholic and so is his brother. He was very upset about his father. I just hope he doesn't end up in the same situation.

Posts: 77 | Registered: May 2008
crisisac
♀ Member
Member # 18486
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry to hear that mm

Posts: 828 | Registered: Mar 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for everyone having to deal with this crap. It makes me sad to read some of this stuff but it makes me more sad knowing what each of you are going thru. We may not all have the exact same situations, but we all share the same pain when involved with an alcoholic.

Just wanted to send my thoughts out to everyone - you are not alone.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that alcoholism is a lot like cheating in some ways...

I know people that are alcoholics that have hit bottom and never had another drink again. More than anything that helps them is an understanding that booze is a deadly addiction for them...coming out of denial...and knowing that just one drink might as well be forever. And taking that drink is their choice, no matter what is going on around them.

Those that can create successful boundaries FOR THEMSELVES can continue and commit.

Those that cannot own their own shit, and don't recognize the disease, will end up following the path of destruction once again.

So comparing it to...can someone be a cheater and change, and never do it again?

You can be an alcoholic, but not be a drunk. Boundaries in place, your active alcoholism may never reappear.

Some people fear once a cheater always a cheater, once a drunk always a drunk...but I believe that if the person has the strengh in either situation to pull through, and do better, and have a better life, they will...they can.

Don't know...just a thought.

First and foremost they need to own it...and the partner cannot make them.

Hugs for all of you today.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i believe that WH A is directly related to the progression of his disease. he is losing more and more control over his actions in a number of ways. he can't limit his drinking at all. i equate this loss of boundaries with the loss of boundaries that lead to his A.

he's always worked with a lot of women. a lot of beautiful women and it hasn't been an issue b/c he had boundaries. well guess what, now he doesn't have any and he had an A.

oh and btw...i drove him to it


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
Boadicea
♀ Member
Member # 18032
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has been a recovering alcoholic (that's what they call themselves in AA) for over 20 years. It didn't stop him from having an affair 2 years ago.

He has admitted that his addictive personality and being "slightly narcissistic" also contributed to the intensity of the affair. In effect, he was addicted to the MOW.

It sucks that after so many years of sobriety, he would contemplate leaving our marriage for another man's wife and kids! Of course, he's now remorseful... It's similar to his contriteness and remorse after going on a binge so many years ago.

He finally got sober for himself, a day at a time as they say. He also acknowledges today that no one else can make you totally happy.
"It's an inside job," he says.


“One man’s folly is often another man’s wife.” Helen Rowland

Posts: 751 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: New York City
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with hexed:

i believe that WH A is directly related to the progression of his disease. he is losing more and more control over his actions in a number of ways. he can't limit his drinking at all. i equate this loss of boundaries with the loss of boundaries that lead to his A.
he's always worked with a lot of women. a lot of beautiful women and it hasn't been an issue b/c he had boundaries. well guess what, now he doesn't have any and he had an A.

oh and btw...i drove him to it


That is what happened with my stbxwh.

I was wondering if anyone here after S/D and then down the road WS (he/she) found recovery and came back? I am trying to let go of this idea and am moving full steam ahead with my own life...BUT...always wonder this in the back of my head

[This message edited by Why?? at 1:00 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think its possible that my WH might find sobriety after i leave him....possible. not likely. and i think he might try to come back at that point.

BUT i am not willing. if it takes getting D to shock him into the reality he has drinking problem, then i can't be there for that. he'd have to be sober for far too long before i believe him for me to wait around.

i am preparing myself for the idea that someday he may get sober and someone else is going to get to enjoy the man i wanted to love instead of me. it will be hard i'm sure.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed...if that is how it rolls sweetie...by the time your WH has become sober, you might be happily in the arms of someone who loves you and respects you for you...

I know its hard to believe that now...but it happens...


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a vent - some days I just want to cry. It's like someone can ask me "how are you" and I just want to break into tears.

I have days where I'm happy but most days I feel like our relationship WILL end and I'm just prolonging it.

Just kind of sad today.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is the please don't leave me/i'm going to keep seeing her factor worse with alcoholics than other WS?

my WH keeps begging me not to leave and swearing he won't do it again and then doing it again even though he knows it will hurt me.

i know lots of WH do this but he seems very bad.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just bumping to the top...

Nothing new is going on w/stxwh as we are NC. I still wonder and worry when/if he will hit bottom and how that will all come about. Try to let go of those thoughts and focus on my future. I want to be happy again and have a life


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i keep wondering what bottom is for him.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
ToughChick
♀ Member
Member # 17854
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hexed--

I do not know your whole story but I do know how hard it can be to understand an alcoholic and to wonder what is rock bottom for them.

With my FWH he tried to kill himself--still not rock bottom. Of course he was in AA and seemed to be doing well and then he started with one drink and spiraled out of control again.

After d-day #2 (I said there would never be another chance after #1), i really think he may have actually understood he was an addict but I never kicked him out and he never "lost" his job, family, etc. so did he hit rock bottom?

My condition to him being with me and the kids was rehab. It was a test of whether he loved us and himself enough to get this disease under control. He did not think he was an addict until he did the program. Today, I think he is doing well and rehab really seems to have saved him. I have told him if he falls off the wagon, I can help him. If he falls off and does not tell me and finds himself with another woman, it is over. I hope that would be rock bottom.


Like you, I may have to draw the line if he cannot get over this addiction and I will lose a man that I love more than anything in the world. Will there be some lucky woman out there who may get him when he finally gets sober then? yes. Right now I am the lucky one and I pray everyday he stays on track and continues to choose me and our family over his addiction.

You have a life ahead of you and your H is the only one who can admit his powerlessness over his addiction and who can choose your marriage over alcohol. If he is not an addict, he should be willing to give it up to show his love for you. To save a M, you must give up ANYTHING that stands in the way.

On the other hand, you cannot let your life pass you by or force him to come to this realization. He may never, ever hit "rock bottom". But for you, there is love and devotion and joy out there without this man. If he cannot be that man, go find one that will be the man you can love and who will put you first and be there in every possible way for you! Time to put yourself first!


Me: 40
Him: WH 39, 3years, 3 months sober
Married: 12 years
Children: 10 yrs, 8 yrs, 3 years
D Day 1-June 22, 2007
D Day 2-January 10, 2008

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jan 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH had a meeting with a repeat client, a repeat from last year. The client brought him a 6-pack of his favorite beer...

When this guy visited before, my H was in full on, get drunk, fuck other women party boy mode...people first meeting him probably didn't even know I was sitting at home waiting for him!!!!

Anyway...my H told the guy, I don't drink anymore. He took the beer back and the next day brought down some rootbeer (FWHs drink of choice now! )

FWH has to interact with people who are drinking because of his job...he tells me about things that go on, and has no problem discussing his feelings about drinking (only MY feelings are off limits! )

I asked him...did he wonder why you quit drinking?

Him - Yes, that is the first question they always ask..I just say, I did. It caused too many problems.

Me - Oh...I was just wondering how you responded to that...

Him - (not angry) That's it...what should I tell them? That it fucked up my entire life, for the rest of my life? I know what it did, but it is none of their business...

Now, I could pick apart his statement...but I won't.

The fact remains that he is sober, he sees the damage his drinking did, and after almost a year of sobriety, he still KNOWS that drinking, for him, is and will remain something in the past.

He has stopped blaming the booze for the cheating somewhat...now that he has sobriety this long, he is looking at what happened from a different perspective...

Just wanted to share.

Many Blessings


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.