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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
ToughChick
♀ Member
Member # 17854
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am lucky so far as my H just hit 6 months sober--this time. Who knows the truth since I could never tell when he was drinking anyway.

The few times we drank socially--he did have outburst and periods of incredible meaness that I could not understand (because he was hiding the amount he was drinking). Who was that person and why was I with him? Didn't I deserve someone who treated me better? Why did I have to be ashamed and embarrassed? Is this how I was going to spend my life??

I know that drunk and all, I love him and it can be very hard to think of someone you love and only think of the bad things about them. Your love is also built on the fun moments and the happy times--the laughter and warmth you have shared in the good moments. You will always have them to treasure. That is why it is so hard to let go--when you love and hate them at the same time!

((Tryingtwo)) There is no way to get through this but to be strong and remind yourself that this is NOT the man you fell in love with and that you have given it everything and there is no other choice. You are strong and you can do it!

I am mentally prepared to walk away if the drinking starts. I have a life ahead of me and an idea of how I want to be treated and what I deserve. Loving someone is NOT enough when you come second to an alcoholic beverage. As hard as it is, and as wrong as I may be, I still view his alcoholism as a choice he makes to put himself and a bottle of wine (and a whore) before me and his children. The next time that choice is made will be the last!

My thoughts are with you. So sorry I do not have better advice.


Me: 40
Him: WH 39, 3years, 3 months sober
Married: 12 years
Children: 10 yrs, 8 yrs, 3 years
D Day 1-June 22, 2007
D Day 2-January 10, 2008

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jan 2008
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no desire to go into bars and party. I am talking about sitting on my acreage and looking out at the back hayfields and enjoying a glass of wine at the end of the day of gardening, cleaning the house and working.
It pisses me off sometimes that my life is now regualated by my husband's desease.

Shit, my emotions are screwed because of alcholism and his unprotected sex with assorted drunk whores. My nights are screwed because of nightmares of his exploits, my days are filled with angry thoughts I have to fight with self determination, my marriage has to me worked through like some Dr. Phil show and at the end of the frugging day I can't even just stop and have a glass of wine because my husband is an alcohoic. It just pisses me off sometimes.

I do resent it.

I wish I was a bigger person and that I could say that I can give it up because i love him Soooo much.

I have never went out with girlfriends to bars.
I have never came home drunk to my husband.

I guess it is just a selfishness that makes me resent the fact that in one more item of my life, HIS situation is controling my life.

Oh, I am just really confused right now and probably I shouldn't even be posting.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think confused is just when you should be posting.

the one thing about being married to an alcoholic is that it is nothing but confusing. it is hard enough in life to get through and maintain a relationship with a person but you throw alcoholism into the mix and its hard just to know which way is up.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make it about you, trying two.

Make it about you.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here with you, tryingtwo-many times(esp. w/a 2 y/o) I just want a shot or maybe a beer, but we can't keep alcohol in the house. I can do fine w/o it, but sometimes on Fri nite after a long week I would like a shot or something to relax some, but can't have it.
She has been 90+ days sober, tho.
WW has always said she envied me, as I could take it or leave it, alcohol seems to control her.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64--

i am envious of you! at least your wife recognizes that it controls her. my WH thinks i have problem b/c i think he has a problem.

from talking to some professionals in addiction counseling that 90 day mark is a BIG deal. hopefully she continues. happy thoughts to you!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK-- the events of today have me thinking...

should i even leave the door open? if you get sober then we can give our marriage a shot?

or should i just say goodbye and nothing else?

i keep giving him the option. i'm watching him trying to figure out how to get what he wants w/o getting sober and its painful to watch. the divorce will proceed but the finances are complicated and we don't agree and he won't make it easy so it is likely to take a while.

would it be best if i just told him. no chance, no how


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
plesk3yl
♂ Member
Member # 18119
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the link to the orginal thread I started on this topic. Here you will find some additional inspirational posts, advice, and links posted by some old veterans of SI who haved loved or still love an alcoholic.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=75405

Thanks NCguy2 for the link. That was a challenging read.


Me BS 47
WW 44
Married July 1986
3 Kids (12, 15, 18)
LTA 2 years+
D Day Oct 11 2006

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: southeast usa
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you want to do that you never did because you have been embroiled in dealing with an alcoholic...?

Well, trying. I basically threw my career to the wayside. I followed him and his career and took whatever jobs I could find wherever we were so now I am finally thinking about me and my career. I am looking into different options which might mean going back to school for additional training. I thought we would be together forever, "in sickness and health" however whores weren't mentioned in my vows I'm also going to start working out more and I've already lost a lot of weight (separation/divorce diet). I am not waiting for stbxwh. If a miracle occurs and he wants to obtain true sobriety and MC then I will see where I am at and if its an option.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
sickened
♀ Member
Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this elsewhere, but think it applies here the most.

H says he knows it will take a long time for me to trust him again, but he is willing to do whatever it takes. this time will be different he says.
my issue is: he told me that when we first met. he had destroyed his life prior to meeting me and when we met, he had a new lease on life. he had been down a very dark road and said he'd NEVER ever want to go there again. well he's gone down that road again (drinking) and cheating.

why should I believe that this time will be different? he told me that before.

we also exchanged wedding vows not once but twice in our 13 years together. did those mean nothing and if so why would they mean something now?

am I just as dense as can be? my feeling is that this man cannot make a commitment. period.

our MC thinks he can "this time" because he realizes what is at stake. HELLO??? he lost everything he ever had before me, then built it all up again with me. where is the lesson he supposedly learned? especially if he doesn't lose anything this time.

I don't believe I was put on this earth just to be his wake up call.

when do I get MY happiness?


BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hexed, I didn't divorce my husband after the A because of circumstances, but I absolutely refused to even consider an R until after my husband had been sober a year.

It took that long for the alcholic head to clear out. This is over and above the fog of the A.

64 That is so cool that she had reached this 90 day mark. You too should be prepared for a year of the lifting of alcohol confusion. I was away on a business trip and got to have a glass of wine with dinner one night and then bought a bottle of wine and drank it over the course of two evenings. I had just kind of forgotten how much I liked that at the end of my day. I guess I miss it. I will not ruin my husband's soboriety by bringing any alcohol into the house either. He will die if he starts drinking again. No matter what happens between us, he is the father of our daughter and she deserves a sober dad.

I could literally see the lights going on in my husband's head. My daughter and I also realized fairly soon that he had burnt out some brain cells in the process of his drunken escapades.

Still Sober man is so much better than the drunk I used to have to deal with.

Why, It sounds like it might be kind of cool for you to go back to school and update your skills and maybe even open some new ideas for your future. It can be an exciting time for you, although I am sure it is scary too.

Touchchick, Oh, I am strong. I am fully prepared to live a life alone if he ever takes another drink. His demeanor is so different when he is drinking that I have no doubt I would spot any break of that boundry.

Healingtree, It is about me. That is the confusion. I am thinking about me and what I want and if I can have it being married to this man, or any man at this point. I have not weakened in fact if anything I am stronger, just confused at the same time. Heavy thinking going on in my head.

Thank you everyone!!!


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hexed, the WW has been great since she is sober, I still can't get over her seeing someone else last fall, but she has been great to live with sober.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
4mykids
♂ Member
Member # 8714
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, don't have to worry about knocking my head against the brick wall any more: wife #2 (alcoholic) just kicked me to the curb after month-long binge (6 out of 7 nights = good week)culminates dramatic 2-hour "disappearance" which exposes her to my family and hers. Her response the next day is to give me the old heave-ho because every self-destructive behavior is because of me...

Any one else fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to take this bullet?


"The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and it does not wait
at the end to arrest it,
And ceas'd the moment life appear'd." -- WW ("Uncle Walt, again...")

Posts: 274 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: WNY
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nope but i could certainly see how it happened!

"it all your fault" is a common theme around here


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one else fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to take this bullet?

Well I didn't get kicked out - I kicked HIM out but he sure went easily this last time. According to him he doesn't have a drinking problem - he just "likes to drink". I was the bitchy, naggy one and he just "couldn't take it" anymore. Whatever.

Whenever he does this crap of turning everything around on me - I call it CRAZYMAKING and that is exactly what it is.

My x drank EVERY DAY as much as he could get in before it was time to go to bed. On the w/ends I would pray that he would wait until at least NOON but at the end I was lucky if he made it till 11:00. So by 4 or 5 that day he was a drunken asshole - but no he really wasn't - it was just me making things up.

See how crazy it all is? Consider yourself lucky to get away from the madness.

I get a ton of support from www.soberrecovery.com on the friends and families of alcoholics board.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to go back to NC. I'm hurting real bad. Stbxwh called me all weekend while drinking and now sober doesn't want anything more than "friendship". I feel foolish and need to get to my IC earlier than scheduled. Please send me good vibes...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh honey, get to the IC.

(((((why?)))))

the games they torment us with. remember, she doesn't haven't a clear what she wants. people talk about the fog but through in alcohol to the mix and it becomes an epic Stephen King level fog. Even sober her brain is still addled.

yes you need to go NC. you can't do this to yourself while she's still drinking. you deserve better. you can't heal at all unless you do.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hexed,

Thanks for your message. I feel a bit better today. He is actually the WH and I am the BW. I know this thread jumps around a bit with everyone's posts. One thing that I am now totally embarrassed about is that he gave me his counselor's number to call and I left her a message and now feel foolish. What do I do if she calls me back? I got so swept into the drama of him being in the binge and very upset and wanting help...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry for the confusion! :)

you tell her exactly that! you got swept up. you either listen if she has something useful to say or apologize for her time and hang up. no harm done really.

honestly, don't worry about your mistakes too much. there is no clarity about what to do when dealing with this. at least not when you're living it.

its funny my WH has been so funny since i just completely shut him out. now he calls to tell me where he's going, doesn't drink around the house, i know he wonders why i don't ask what he's doing. but he never ever offers any of this for his evening activities. i know he's out drinking and i never ask.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking lately that I need to accept that my stbxwh just doesn't love me anymore...For years I blamed his behavior on the drinking and the affair also but what if even without the alcoholism he just fell out of love with me? Maybe this is part of the healing process for me and letting go? I know he has a disease which caused his personality to change and his actions too much like WS type fog but way thicker. Just rambling a bit...have IC this week and 1 year to DD#2 (which I also left) is approaching.
How do you all handle this fact?

PS - Hexed - The counselor never called me. What a relief.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
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