[This message edited by Why?? at 7:57 PM, September 6th (Saturday)]
I was in a lot of pain with my legs(old injuries) and at dinner my H suggested I have a glass of wine with my Advil. I have drank a glass of wine before in his presence but only with a group around like my family.
I said if it wouldn't bother him it would help with the pain. Then the waiter came to take our drink order. I ordered my wine and my H looks at me and says, well if it is okay with you and won't bother you I will have a beer.
I was stone shocked, but also it was something I aways thought would happen. That some day he would test his alcoholism. Those people are alcoholics...him he thought was just someone who got in trouble with booze. I always thought he would test this theory out when i wasn't around. Behind my back like so many other things.
In a few seconds I had much to decide. I was quaking inside. I will never be able to stop my H from drinking again. I never could before and that much I have learned the hard way. So I just looked at him and said, "You can decide."
He ordered the beer.
Now my heart was beating a thousand times a minute. I always knew I was one beer away from the nightmare again. One beer from the shithead drunk adulterer. I looked at my menu. I didn't say a word.
The waiter came back and set down the drinks. I looked at my menu but i saw from the corner of my eye my H taking that drink of beer. His face screwed up and he was trying really hard to look like he was normal. Just a normal guy sipping a beer. I didn't say anything, just talked about what I was going to order. So hard for me, so scared.
He took another sip and told me it wasn't good beer. I didn't say anything.
The waiter came and took my order. When it came time for my H he slid the beer and glass toward the waiter and asked for a cup of coffee. Told the waiter that the beer was fine and that he just changed his mind.
After the waiter left my H took my hands and made me look into his eyes. He said, "K... I don't want to ever go back there again either. I just wanted to taste it. I don't want to drink any more, again." I think he was truely scared too.
Then he said, "We can still go to France some day. You can taste the wine and I will taste test all that good French coffee, French bread and real butter. I am not going back there. I want this, what we have right now."
I had not realized until that moment what a huge thing the alcoholism was as far as blocking the R. I just knew he would try it one more time. I just knew. That he chose to test this while he was with me is a huge change. That I some how was able to stay reasonable during this evening is a miracle. That he took the taste, tested himself and found that he is too scared of the asshole he becomes to go back there. Too afraid of the detox, the nightmare his life had become. The fact that the booze tasted like crap to him. The fact he trusted me enough to ask me and I trusted him enough to allow the test in front of my is all so, so very much an incrediable step in our relationship and marriage.
I found a giant ghost left the room, left our lives, left my fears, left and isn't every coming back. It made room for love. I didn't know how afraid I had been until the fear left.
I was in Tahiti and fell in love again, this time with Sober Man (not an SI screen name )
So for those of you out there who are trying to R with a recovering alcoholic. I don't know if your story will go as mine has, but getting to know the new sober person is a long road. Letting go of the fear that the drunk would come back had held me back from love.
Well, Tahiti didn't hurt
Sorry it got so long to read.
My H is in treatment 3 nights per week currently and living with his parents. We have not spoken in 4 weeks except in email. I went to my first Alanon meeting this week. My H went to an event on Sunday with a person who has been a thorn in my side for months now. Shows me he's not proving he wants to be a husband and father very badly.
Even then it has taken years for him to really realize that alcohol is only one part of the problem within him that allowed him to be so selfish and hurtful for so long.
He came out of the haze and was discusted with him self but he had no real tools to use to change the alcoholic thinking patterns and the self centered thinking of the past.
It has been a long road. He for a while decided he could still drink after he came out of rehab. For 4 months he told me he was sober but was still drinking.
I just cut the cord in a way. Started rebuilding my life so that no matter what happened my life would be fine. His was his own. I figured if they joined up later on, fine, but I was not going to be the touch stone he used anymore to try and make himself feel like he was living a normal life.
I hope Alanon will help give you some support and insight into the mind and actions of an alcoholic. Just take care of yourself and work on rebuilding strength within you. No matter what happens you will be okay and better than okay.
Take care. TT
I have watched my H test himself with 'just one or two' drinks so many times after a 'no-alcohol' period, just to see if he could stop at one or two. Well, he'll do so well at controlling himself, that the next night it'll be three or four, and by the next week he's into full swing again which continues for months until we hit crisis point again. During these periods every other aspect of our lives is on hold until he comes back into the real world and we pick up the pieces and start moving on again.
We've been dealing with this alcohol cycle on and off for our whole relationship (26yrs), and now packaged with his infidelity, depression and losing his job, well, we're just one big rolling ball of crap right now, gaining momentum and about to hit the fan again.
Ron - a lot of insight in your experience there, harsh to face, but insightful. Thanks.
No more using porn as stress relief (as far as I know)..doesnt use the computer at home at all.
But hes agitated,irritable...
and last night physical. Yes,he grabbed me.
I know that he is struggling. THAT man is not my H...hes an A,yes and has poor coping skills....but he is fraying at the seams.
He left. Has stayed away all night. Im sure that he drank.
Ive been waiting for the "other shoe" to drop.
His first IC said "he could manage" this. Didnt need to go to AA..didnt necessarily need to quit...but maintain...as he was able to keep it out of the other parts of his life where he
cant drink....work,community...etcetc. I balked at that...he's an A. He's been on good behavior and hes starting to unravel...I can see it,and I cant do a damn thing about it.
Hes seeing a new IC...I get to meet with him this week.
We're imploding.....hes grasping...trying to keep the M....Im still on the fence...he feels me slipping away...and back we go down the road that we came...
I need a hug y'all...I need prayers...if he doesnt face this....REALLY face this. I have to leave. I know this.
It just makes me so damn sad.
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
Current status:31 years...sigh.
It is the worst feeling in the world when you watch someone you love tearing themselves apart willingly.
Mine climbed in a bottle and couldn't get out. I watched and I screamed. I tried to conjole and pacify. I tried to ignore and I tried to join him. I tried everything to get that man to see he was a drunk. Nothing worked. He had fallen so far away from himself I couldn't reach him.
A good IC should be telling him no booze, none. It always starts with just one beer or one drink. I am so sorry you are going through this. The waiting, the not knowing and the emotional turmoil it puts the spouse of a drunk through is all something I can relate to and I wouldn't want to have anyone have to go through it.
Be strong. You know that tough love may be the only way to save yourself. He must save his own life and sanity. Hugs and prayers for you. I hope the light comes on and he begins to see who he has become and all that he is willing to loose just to have some fermented hops in a glass.
I know exactly where you're coming from. It's torture to see your H doing this to himself. I hope his new IC is switched right on to this situation and can help.
My H is returning to his IC this week after a few months away, so I've got fingers crossed that we'll be able to make another leap in our R.
[This message edited by Why?? at 4:26 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)]
His OW is a bona fide alcoholic, been through detox, AA, lost her job as a nurse because she was stilling pain meds - the whole 9 yards.
Former F & I are 100% done. As a matter of fact, we just had a very good conversation - probably the most honest we've ever been with each other in the 18 months we've known each other.
He's decided that he's going to move to FL where OW is to really give them a chance to see if they can make their relationship work. I asked him if he that meant he had decided to give up drinking. HE SAID NO!! She feels that she's far enough along in her recovery that she can deal with his drinking & not get drawn back in to it. He did say that when he gets down there he will probabaly keep his alcohol behind lock just in case. But if it gets to be a problem, then he'll have to decide then if it (their relationship) means enough for him to try to quit, or he'll just know FOR SURE then that they can't be together.
Ok - to me this sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen! By definition, alcoholics can't control themselves around alcohol, right?? IF it becomes a problem??? Sounds more like WHEN it becomes a problem.
I even said to him, if you really love this woman you ought to care enough about her that you will give up something that you know is going to cause her pain & harm. He doesn't 'see' it that way - it's HER responsibility not to get out of recovery!! WTF?!?!?
I think I just saw a really big picture of total fog infusion on BOTH sides! Holy crap!!!
I really want to try to understand this kind of thinking - and not because I want him back. I so totally 100% do not - alcohol was only 1 part of our problem. But I would like some insight please!
Thanks so much!
Sorry you are here but you will learn a lot. "Functional Alcoholics" are basically a stage of the disease. It is progressive and deadly if they don't find recovery. A very good site to learn more is: soberrecovery dot com then click on the friends and family forum. There you will see others who are dealing with alcoholics. Also read the information stickys at the top of the forum.
My XWH is a "functional" alcoholic right now meaning he hasn't lost his job YET. They describe how the alcoholics will eventually lose everything if they don't seek recovery.
Hang in there. SI is very supportive as is the SR (soberrecovery site).
[This message edited by Why?? at 4:12 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]
He was angry with me for saying that he needed to decide to stop & then actually stop before he moved down there. Evidently his brother & another friend have told him the exact same thing & he's not happy that we're all "ganging up" on him. All that guilt must be a terrible thing....
My aunt is very involved with AA and I have spoken with her on many occasions about alcoholics and also went to some AA meetings with her to get some insight. This tidbit was one I learned.
My husband still doesn't believe this but i have seen alcoholics stay dry for years and then start to drink and their disease is much, much worse.
Just thought I would share.
As for me, I'm currently separated from my H due to a restraining order. I still believe he is drinking. Comes from a big family of drinkers and they are still drinking around him. Well, DHS is about to come crashing down on their party as I have snitched that they have drank with my son present. I'm just trying to put my son and his safety first.
I met with FWH's IC last week...he struck me as a straight shooter...called me on a few things and then we got to the "nitty gritty"...the addiction (s).
I could tell by his reaction when I referred to the alcohol abuse that H hadnt really discussed it with him.
Sigh. Im not suprised. Also NOT surprised that H's focus was "all of the arguing"...my inability to "let anything go"....riiight.
IC ended the session by asking me to think over using him as our MC...and then asked me if I had any questions...and I asked if he was comfortable addressing the alcohol and possible sex addiction. He said "yes"....didnt balk...didnt say it wasnt his "area"....THANK GOD. Finally.
H sees him this week...stay tuned.....and thank you each again,for understanding...for your love and your hugs..I could feel them last week. I sure needed them...thanks,guys. Truly.
Im in a better place knowing that Im not alone.
[This message edited by somanytears at 2:43 PM, October 6th (Monday)]
I had no idea how much my husband drank. He was very good at hiding his secrets including his addiction. I saw all the changes in him and yet it happened so slowly that as the bottle was inching inside of him and he was pushing me out I just didn't realize it, or recognize it for what it was.
I was so lonely for so long. I found myself alone in a marriage. My husband had traded me in for a bottle. How could I compete. The OW came after that. After I started calling him on his drinking. I became the enemy of the booze and they were willing partners in alcoholism, then sex.
I have my husband back. Sober. He has found himself again. It was hard for him to face what he had made of his life and our marriage. Hard for him to look at how he had treated me. Hard for me too.
It gets lonely sometimes loving an alcohlic. Just wanted you to know, you don't have to be alone anymore at least not in your pain.
Just thinking about you tonight.