Thanks for your kind words and thoughts....they mean alot.
It is a lonely life sometimes,isnt it? H is not
fully out of denial....although the proverbial "sh**" I believe is about to hit the fan when we have joint counseling next week. I believe the new MC (IC for H) will not hold back. Im relieved,but anxious.
Had a long session with my IC this week....talked about detachment vs reconciling and how hard it is to do both. The state of conflict that it creates in the BS. We also talked about enabling....and I hate to go there. Im not deeply co-dependant and have a hard time wrapping my head around
keeping a family together as "enabling". Sigh. Maybe it is. I need to explore my role in this more fully.
What I do know is that I absolutely have to have a sober H for this R to continue....bottom line. I think H is beginning to see that I am on my way out the door unless he "gets it" soon. And,gets it for him...not just me and our family.
I told him today that he could replace me..but he still would have to live with himself and unless he
faces his demons he will remain unhappy no matter who he is with. He has been very quiet this evening.
Good. He's thinking and there has been no drinking for three days. IC says to lower my expectations....not sure Im OK with that. Sobriety and honesty arent unreasonable expectations in a good M.
I hope to be in the place that you are someday TT....to have my sober H back...and not feel so conflicted.
I will be alright,regardless...and I smiling more each day....thats a step....:)
[This message edited by somanytears at 9:01 PM, October 10th (Friday)]
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
Current status:31 years...sigh.
I demanded certain things right off the bat after the A before I would even consider an A.
NC with friends that enabled the A and the alcoholism.
No drinking period.
No being in bars even if he was drinking coffee(can only smoke in bars so that was always his excuse as to why he was there)
Finacial responsibility to our daughter and this household.
No emails with women whether I knew who they were or not.
Do what you say and say what you do...no more lies about anything. If he lied about anything, the garbage, the mail, the shoes he wore that day, anything...all bets were off and he could expect me to go through with a divorce and I would have no mercy.
No drugs even prescriptions.
No out of town business trips.
No hiding anything.
I told him if I could see that he could maintain those things for long enough and be sober for a year that I would then consider an R. During that time we saw each other and even began to live in the same household like roommates, but no R. No real marriage effort on my part.
Was it unreasonable? I don't know if my expectations were too high, but I had been through too much to settle for any thing less. I drew my line in the sand.
For me this worked but your situation can be much different. I don't know.
I found the lable enabler to be offensive but after time I realized that I had a notion of what that meant that wasn't always true. I had enabled because I was the rock that my H rested on. He felt safe to go do many of these things because he knew I would keep the world turning. Sounds funny to write it like that but it is true. I was his touch stone and he assumed i would always be there no matter what. He could let go of me, but he assumed I would never let go of him. When I did it was a big mother lode shock to him.
So I guess be open to the fact that enabling takes many forms.
I pray that your H stays sober and as the alcohol fog lifts he can fully recognize the pain he has caused and works hard to mend and heal those around him, his life and his marriage.
No, of course not.
You are not a shrew. You may be the only sane person in his life. I had much the same experience. They, all those around him were drunks or soon to be drunks. Take all that is given from the value of the source.
A vodka bottle? A beer? A whiskey?
You are not a shrew, you are sane in an insane world of alcohlic rationalization.
Better to be a sober shrew than a drunk whore...ya know?
But when it comes down to it, it just breaks my heart to think that alcohol will be what ends our marriage. We will see a therapist but he will lie. He can't see that the 5 day bender he's been on since he left is a clear sign that he is out of control. To him, it's freedom.
I am furious with myself and XWH. I have been talking to him more and more lately when he calls. I do not call him. Last night as we are talking he tells me to hold on. I figure he's getting something, etc. Anyway, it becomes 20 mins. and I am worried he's hurt himself since he's drinking. I page him while I'm on hold. I have no idea that he took another call. Finally, he gets off the phone with who-ever and says it was a "friend" who needed help. I just can not believe I was falling back into this, thinking if he got sober we could possibly have a 2nd chance. He wouldn't tell me who the friend was so I have to assume it was ow2 or some other skank. Then this am I have 2 vms asking what happened and why I won't pick up. Thanks for listening/reading this
[This message edited by Why?? at 8:45 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)]
You can chase the belief that somehow you will be more important than the bottle, but you won't be, neither will anyone else.
Freedom? Alcohlism is anything but freedom. Out drinking, partying, drinking, partying...fun, isn't it? No...they are not free they are victims of their disease. They are tied to alcohol. It is a game addicts and alcoholics play with themselves to make it OK to drink, Ok to hurt people. They justify the drinking any way possible.
Why...For the life of me I cannot figure out why you would stay on the phone for 20 minutes or why on earth you would text him...worried about him. Really, did he seemed worried about you? Your feelings being put on hold for almost a half hour?
Stop. Just stop that behavior. Hang up next time. Unless he is bleeding in the hospital, hang up when he calls drunk. If he wants to talk to you sober, fine. Is he ever sober? Maintenence drinking usually means that the blood alcohol level is way up there even when they wake up in the morning.
Honestly, stop chasing him. If he wants you, if he would ever get out of the bottle then maybe you would have something to work with, but putting yourself through this alcoholic drama and letting him drag you where and when he wants...sorry girl for the 2x4, but you know too that it isn't going to help him. And it certainly isn't helping you.
dyinginside, one of the hardest things in the world is to see a great person get lost inside a bottle. It is very difficult to watch, impossible for anyone else to stop and drains the loved ones around them. It is sad. Very sad.
Hang in there. There is life outside of an alcohlics madness. There is a whole world out there that doesn't involve the crazy making drunk.
I wish you well. Please, take care of yourselves first and foremost.
Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
Thank you for your post! I really did need that 2 x 4 Thankfully, I went to an Alanon meeting last Sat. and it was very good. I think I will go back to that meeting. I am having a rough go with the NC by picking up his calls. I do not call him. The only reason I stayed on hold so long was that I thought he fell and hit his head or something. He never said he was taking another call (skank). He's still a functional A and has a good job, no DUIs, etc. YET. He's more of a binge drinker so he can go a week or so without drinking. It's progressing that's for sure which also scares me. I pray he hits his bottom soon.
Welcome, aprilbetdme. I'm sorry you have joined the forum but there is much support here as well as:
soberrecovery dot com then click on Friends and Family forum.
[This message edited by Why?? at 4:08 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]
It's 5 am, been up since 2:30 - he "celebrated" that I was ready to forgive his A by "stopping in a bar - alone, having a few beers".
He lied, and told me he was too tired to come with DD and I to her swim lesson. Instead he poured enough wine down his throat to get hammered, then insisted on staggering through a Halloween event at DD's school, he was loud and reeked. He made enough embarrassing comments that I got sympathy looks
By 9 he was vomiting, and whining how sorry here was on the sofa, he decided to share his joy with me at 2:30.
since I've been up for 3 hours, I've learned that he frequents a bar on his way home and lies about it. Because if he hides his drinking well enough it's not a problem.
This is the 4th or 5th episode of the ever popular "Drink till you Puke" in the past year. As much as I'd love to be there for him, we have and 8 year old girl who last night decided that she doesn't want to deal with his vomiting. Her school is aware of his problem and is working with me. I get to make yet another "can you help us" call to the nurse in a few hours.
DDay was in June, if he's lying about drinking, he's lying about more.
I want to hurt him.
I do feel pity for him, our Marriage was on a 6 month trial after DDay, and this latest performance has me sitting regretting I never learned to spit accurately. Somehow I believe spitting in his face would be so satisfying.
[This message edited by NoLongerWantHim at 6:08 AM, October 31st (Friday)]
If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW
I think drinking until you vomit takes a lot of alcohol. Doing it again like this is somehow fun? Repeating that behavior? Not a good sign at all.
I had to separate from my H. He went into detox and then came out and lied to me about drinking. He started again almost as soon as he got out. As we were separated it took some time for me to find out, but like most lies it caught up with him and I caught him in the lie. I disengaged any thought of an R with him. It took him four more months of drinking and telling himself he wasn't an alcoholic before he finally realized that he was. That he cannot drink. Ever. Even then it took a good year before the alcoholism brain fully woke back up.
I couldn't put our daughter through any more of his drunk drama either. He was out of here. There just came a time when my primary concern was for her. Secondary for me and him? I didn't care except for the pain it caused my daughter to see her father throw our family away for booze and an assortment of drunk women.
It is sad. It took a long time. We are in R but the pain he caused me during his drunk episodes are ones I remember. As a drunk he remembers very few of them. That is hardest of all. I get to have all the horrible things in my head and he got to drink away reality and memories.
Just protect yourself and your child. That in the end is the best thing you can do. That may mean that he has to go. It may not be forever but he has to get himself out of the bottle. You cannot do it for him.
Make it clear you will be supportive in soberity but not if he continues his drinking. Draw a line in the sand before you are buried in it. I waited much too long before I called him on the drinking.
Take care. I know how hard it is to deal with this.
I had to make tough choices too and made the choice to protect my baby girl and my other kids from the madness. I still love H very much and he is still going on his way with other women and booze and it hurts very bad, but at least he isn't in our home doing it.
There have been too many lies (and broken promises *are* lies) to pretend any longer.
I've outed him to most of the family, the school and the support system I have. I have to face the cold harsh reality that the man prefers the company of a bottle to his family.
Someday he may realize it. Hope he catches on soon
Fuzz on my molars
Isnít this fun?
I could have been dancing
Or seeing the sights
I climbed in the bottle
Stayed there all night
Woke up this morning
Dawnís early light
Threw up my guts
Somethingís not right
At least I know now
What I didnít know then
Life is too short
To be drunk when it ends.
It is so hard to love an alcoholic for we see if they only loved themselves, what magnificent people they could be.
That shows the sober person we love, and the vile monster who ruins everything we cherish.
I've searched, but I can't find that anywhere
Its taken me a while to post here.
I discovered my H's A in Feb '08. He went NC, and we both began MC and IC. In May '08, we celebrated our 9 year anniversary.
My H works in the entertainment industry. He and I both enjoy social drinking, would occaisionally host parties, but would rarely drink at home together or alone.
During his A and afterward, his drinking became more exaggerated. He wasn't a daily drinker, and still never really drank at home, but he lost the ability to stop after one or two drinks.
He was like a freight train. What started bothering me was when he would lie about how much (quantity--not frequency) he was drinking or how drunk he was ("I'm just tired"). This was happening during our attempt at recovering from the A.
In September, my H got so drunk he started a physical altercation with an employee at a venue he was working at. This was in front of me and other employees (thankfully, not the general public). When our friends and I dragged him out of there (I was physically trying to restrain him and my friend said he was pushing me--I don't remember this), he said horribly mean things to me, about me, name calling, in private once we were alone.
I've never seen or heard my husband like that before. I almost feel like the dumbfoundedness I felt about the A pales in comparison to the realization that my H could look me in the eye and say such vile things to me.
The next day, when he sobered up, I left with my friend. He came home the next day and immediately sought help from his IC who recommended him to an alcohol specialist. He goes to one-on-one therepy 1x per week, and he's been going almost daily to AA meetings--sometimes twice a day.
Since that September incident, my H says he has not had a drink. I believe him.
I just feel so broken. I feel like I've lost what I believed was our future together. We don't have children together, but had been planning on having one or two. Now, I not only ask myself if I'd want to stay / have a child with a man who could cheat on me, I have to ask if I could also do those things with an alcoholic.
I DO NOT want to be divorced. I made vows; "good times and bad, sickness and health". I just never knew how hard it would be. And I'm fairly pissed this stuff happened basically at the same time. I'm so TIRED--I feel like our attempts at healing us has been derailed by HIS problem. I know it makes no sense to try and build a healthy marriage unless both people are in a good state, but its still frustrating to me...I want to deal with the A and both of our IC's seem to be telling us to deal with the alcoholism first.
I never thought of my husband as an alcoholic, but I do now. I see his A and his drinking as related...one could argue either was a coping mechanism for the other; an escape if you will. I do not believe we would be dealing with the alcoholism had we not experienced infidelity.
Other than my friend who saw the incident, none of our friends or family know of the alcoholism and NO ONE including my friend, knows about the affair.
My IC has suggested I attend Al-Anon. I'm struggling with this. I don't feel like I can tell the alcohol story with out the affair story--to me they are the same. And I don't want people to know about the affair.
I feel alone and I don't want to be. But I'm not ready to be "public" in Al-Anon.
Does anyone have any insights or suggestions? Any good books you could recommend?
Any help is appreciated.
I'm sure his A was fueled by his last child endangerment charge investigation.
I'm making the Al Anon jump this week, with DD. If it outs his A, or him, so be it.
I need the coping skills and the Real Life support.
I'll let you know how awkward it is
Not sure I follow you on:
I'm sure his A was fueled by his last child endangerment charge investigation.
I'm wondering if you may have confused me with another poor soul here?
Please PM me if I'm missing something.
He's facing the same thing again.
I found a call in meeting, I found an AlAnon Forum. And I managed a meeting!
Something clicked, and I'm feeling better already.
And GWADW will be seeing someone Monday.