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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
mostlysad
♀ Member
Member # 21323
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has been drinking for as long as I can remember,but always a happy drunk.Around 8 years ago now,my H mother died and the drinking became daily,more and his behaviour changed from happy to angry and vicious.I stayed,trying to keep the family together,witnessing ugly events and feeling miserable. I spiraled into depression and couldnt cope with a regular day let alone an alcoholic husband.My children suffered and witnessed behaviour that children should never see.But I stayed.My children warned me and asked my why I let him get away with it.But I stayed.My gut told me something wasnt right and I questioned my wh about the long lunches,nights out with the boys and the business trips to Hong Kong.He always denied any innapropriate behaviour,and he reassured me he could handle his alcohol.RIGHT! But still I stayed.
I look back now and wish I had the strength to pack my kids up and walk away.
Then Feb 08 came,just after my birthday,I had pains in my abdomen and had lots of tests.
I sat in my doctors room while she read my results,her mouth dropped as she turned to me and said you have ghonorea and chlamydia. I cried and cried in disbelief.I then had to go to the sexual health clinic to be treated. I sat there alone,frightened and ashamed.
I phoned my WH,who could only say "Bullshit",before I hung up on him.
My children saw the state I was in and demanded to see their father that night. He came in and said it had only happened once, a mistake.We all know how the lying begins and how the truth trickles over many months.It has been 9 months since that horrific day,on this day my H had his last bottle of wine. He has been sober since and is working at healing himself.he has gone to AA,but has found IC more helpful.We R 2 months ago,and it is still hard.I still cry everyday and I fear way back. But one thing i know for sure now,is if he ever picks up another drink...I will NOT stay!


Married 28 years,together 30.
4 children
WH is an alcoholic
7 years of ONS in sleazy bars
D-Day Feb 08,found out as I contracted STD

Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: australia
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((MS))

I see hope for me in what you said.

Thank you


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
mostlysad
♀ Member
Member # 21323
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad No longer want him,that my story has given you hope.(((hugs)))

What I didnt say in my story is that when D-day happened my WH hit rock bottom.he was out on his own away from the family.Having to face the reality of life without his children and me,who he has always said is his best friend,was the motivation he needed to change.I now understand that my staying in the relationship was unhealthy for me.It wasnt until I took a stand that he took a long hard look at his life.He has been sober for 9 months now,and of course it is still hard for me.I am hurt and frightened.I have lots of fears around whether this could happen again,an I wasting my time in R and so on.
What I know now is that I have set boundaries for our relationship,they are:

*No alcohol
*No going out after work with anyone except me
*No travelling OS without me
*I walk if he doesnt go to AA
*I walk if he doesnt stay in IC and MC
*No lying,complete transparency

If any of these boundaries are broken,Its over.

He is a different man though,content and happy.Proud of what he is doing to turn his life around.He is calmer and coping with stress at work so much better.He loves being at home and just pottering in the garden and going for long walks together.
We now plan weekends away,trips overseas and activities together.Life is so much nicer without the alcohol.

There is hope,but now I understand the role I need to play to look after my needs.
Finally I will look after myself,I will become stronger for myself and do what I want to do. My needs are as important as anyone else's in my home.
Good luck to all of you out there who are facing this demon...please rethink your motives for staying with your alcoholic partner,It may not be the end if you leave!


Married 28 years,together 30.
4 children
WH is an alcoholic
7 years of ONS in sleazy bars
D-Day Feb 08,found out as I contracted STD

Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: australia
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MS

I do wish my H would accept my conditions, I have.

He has never had a problem with his drinking - no DUI/DWI, never lost a job.

He believes that if I can learn to live with it, we can be happy.

That's sad for him.

My reality is that he admits that he does drink to avoid life, and when it matters he drinks more.

I made it to my second meeting this morning, got the little one set up for counseling, and she wants a "club for kids who live where somebody drinks too much" like U have.

He ended his A, and gave me the words I needed to hear about his drinking, while lying through his teeth.

As much as I want to R, I can't r with a bottle; nor with a sullen child who considers me his keeper.

I have no desire to keep him, monitor him, nor cover for him any longer.

I have someone to care for, and she deserves so much more.

For now, she and I are taking steps to recover; and he's resenting each one.

If he wakes up he can join us.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
shocked and hurt
♀ Member
Member # 13388
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been almost 2 years since d-day. My WH is a chronic alcoholic. He had been sober for aout 5 years before relapse. Immediately after d-day ( I threw him out )WH bgan a downward spiral....alcohol, bars, woman, lies, no remorse ect. Never once in all these months has he truly said he was sorry for many unfaithful encounters. We have known each other for 30 years and have been married for 22. For a while he seemed to enjoy the bar lifestyle and all the new pals who would enable him...men and woman. Now his health is bad...he looks bloated and with what looks like alcohol ascities...huge bloated stomach and poor coloring. He remains in a fog and compltely unwilling to talk. Our kids get drunken messages and false promises...I get nothing or hung up on. I have been much better at NC with him. After all our years together and after all the horrible things he has done I still worry for him and miss the really man I married. We are caught in a long, crazy divorce..he will not allow me to move on with dignity and the little money he could give me to help me stay afloat. I am just wondering if any of you experienced this...complete death of a relationship after d-day. He is not capable of speaking any truth and when he is asked or told about the pain he has caued he blows up or hangs up. There has never been any true closure here...no conversation...no attempt to work at things and just a clear path to self destruction on his part. I am concerned every night that I will get that call that says he is dead, injured, arrested ect....and our kids worry about the same things. Our divorce has dragged along too long and over the years I have tried to reach out to him with no response. I know that I must take care of myself and my kids and that I can't change him or save him but how do you watch the man you loved, my one and only love kill himself? Alanon has helped but I still feel so sad and helpless.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2007
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((S&H))

Here's a hand to hold, I'm at that stand back and watch stage.

I was rushing in and cleaning up - not any longer.

We can't love anyone into being healthy or whole. All we can do is love the person, and reject the choices.

If there were a majik wand, I'd send it along after I used it here


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
shocked and hurt
♀ Member
Member # 13388
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NLWH)
Thank you and I do hope miracles happen for our WH's but for now, yes, stand back and wait for the fallout I guess.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2007
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((S&H))

and all of us

How's the weekend treating you?


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not that it really matters at all now but this made me sad

last week "i promise if i have another drink, i'll keep my check in date on the first"

friday he had another drink. i didn't say anything. today is the first. he hasn't said anything either. he didn't keep his appointment to check in to the treatment center.

i didn't really believe him. but it makes me sad


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Hexed)

That hurts.

I'd love to call him names and wish bad things on him, but I know better.

I went to Al Anon when I was ready to get help, I got GWADW in counseling when I decided she needed, but adults need to make there own choices.

Take it one day at a time, live in the now.

Have you a hand to hold? Im here.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're in the "I'm not drinking, so there's no problem stage" here at the moment.

It's part of the cycle - somehow CPS becomes aware of GWADW being upset by Daddy's drinking, and he goes on the wagon till the investigation is over.

Not that any other part of the behavior changes, just the absence of drinking.

For me, this is a rough part - it's not that he stopped, got help or got in a program to stay sober - it's like an intermission.

And the moment the county stops looking, he starts up again.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a weekend.

Hope all of us are peaceful


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very quiet over here without xwh. He called 2xs on Friday while drinking and was angry and hung up on me. I did not call him back. He is still in denial saying now that I am gone he has no problem, no one to label him "alcoholic". Also, the progression of the disease continues as he called his sisters b*tches which was unheard of before. I still pray for his recovery.

Hope everyone else's weekends are going well...

[This message edited by Why?? at 7:18 AM, December 7th (Sunday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Momuv4
♀ Member
Member # 17798
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exh has now lost his license and is facing the consequences of his DUI. He walks here to see baby and has to be driven around by coworkers or OW.

He has lost everything because of the drinking. His family, his transportation, his money.

He still doesn't get it. Still doesn't see that its a problem. Still thinks that I was being a nag when I wouldn't let him drink in the home or drive that way. But then again, why should he...? He has OW telling him he is fine.


Me: 44,H: 35,Married 1 year
Divorced 07, pregnant right after.
Thought we were in R, wrong!
H still involved with OW 2/08
H said he was committed
3/08 Little Girl Born!
7/08 DUI and found contact with OW
Kicked him out!
Trying to rebuild

Posts: 972 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: California
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 14th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:56 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
maddy
♀ Member
Member # 21812
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bit of background: WBF and i had been together for a year when we started working at the same bar. we were there for 5 years. it started out as a couple nights, then a couple more, until we were there 6 nights a week. we were young, enjoyed the party scene, etc. but as we were there more, we both drank more. communication was broken down, we were fighting all the time. he wanted more and i wanted out of that lifestyle. i saw what it was doing to us.

i kept up with him b/c i was afraid of losing him. when i finally stopped and found different work, he was still partying. i saw the A before it happened. we were fighting and screaming at each other every night. it was my anger and frustration b/c i knew what was happening, or about to happen. but he just kept on drinking. enter a 2 year A.

fastforward to now: after false R i left. we're now separated long distance and had NC up until about a month ago. he's been in IC and hasn't drank in 46 days. and is also suppoedly in NC w/ OW. he blames alot of his behavior on alcohol. not saying it was the reason the A happened, but if he wasn't so drunk everyday it wouldn't have happened. this is such the short version.

i had spoken with his counselor. she recommended i go to alanon. i found this site instead b/c dealing with the infidelity was more of a prominent issue for me. i didn't think i was codependent. now i wonder. i don't know if WBF is an alcoholic. i know he definately demonstrated alot of that behavior at that time. but he quit drinking so easily. then i wonder where i fit into this? i was right there drinking with him, i was showing the same crazy behavior as a reaction to his. i had never yelled at people like that before! i still drink. i go out with my girlfriends one or maybe two nights a week. i've never acted the way i did with him. and i no longer drink to the point of getting drunk.

it worries me that if i do decide to R, what if he does drink again? can i really give him a condition of no drinking but be a hypocrite and drink myself? or am i just not seeing that i was as bad as he was and i should completely quit too? it seems like a stupid question even as i'm writing it. i do love him, and so much want to repair our relationship. i'm trying to figure out where alcohol fits into our R. i know that if he said he had a problem and was never going to drink again, then i wouldn't drink out of respect for him.

i just don't know. my thoughts are getting too jumbled.

[This message edited by maddy at 12:45 PM, December 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 475 | Registered: Nov 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Maddy. You may also want to check out soberrecovery dot com then click the Friends and Family forum - There you will find many people dealing with alcoholics.

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:54 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:55 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Why. My first visit here in a long while.

My H never made claims about being gay. Alcoholics are always putting us through bizarre tests, though. I think they are looking for excuses to continue to drink and try to shift the blame elsewhere. On the other hand, it may be the only way he feels comfortable talking about such an issue. However, neither of us are qualified to address such an issue. Your X needs professional help.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and continue to seek support from AlAnon.

I did recently find myself in a situation that was equally frustrating. After much meditation on the issue, I realized that what ever path I chose to address the issue, it would have to be one that helped me feel good about myself. Perhaps you could refuse to participate in such exchanges with your X. Perhaps you could offer to get some professional referals for him? Whatever you decide to do, it has to be something YOU are comfortable with. How your X responds is irrelivant.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


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