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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone help me wrap my brain around the idea of what has happened to me? I am so lonely too!

My story is this- Tough last year. Knew something was wrong. Beating my head against the wall in MC office. Long story short- Found out WH had been hiding a drinking problem for 12 yrs of marriage. After drinking confession still knew something wasn't right (We women always know don't we?) cried, cried, cried, asked him if there was anything else because i wasn't going to recover from this emotionally. He fessed up to an A. The worst part for me was he planned a dream vacation for us to meet on the way back from his business trip after being gone for one month which involved heavy drinking (no excuse). A happened while he was there. WTF how disrespectful. My heart is broken in a thousand pcs. And now we have been separated since Halloween and I am so f**ing lonely. What a blow. My faith in the human race is crushed. So cruel to plan a dream trip and do that. FYI - He got sober and has 60 days. Has anyone else experienced alcohol in the mix? Every time I think about the circumstances I die inside. After 2 months I still cry EVERY day. Keep a clear eye for my kids but it seems like he is an empty shell and can't give me anything emotionally.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Tnkerbell23))))
Read my profile. It is long, but I have walked in life with an alcoholic big time and the hurt that was caused was shattering.

An alcoholic has to show he can maintain soberiety, not just be sober. Also the patterns of an alcoholic go way deeper than the alcohol itself. The lying and the blame shifting are two-fold with an A and alcoholism hidden for so long.

I knew my husband drank beer. I didn't know he had hard liquir out in the shop out back and morning and night was drinking out there. And so much more...

First. I didn't enable my husband. You cannot enable what you do not know. I felt really mad when therapists and other would pin that on me. I honestly didn't know how bad it had gotten, like you, I just thought something was wrong but couldn't pin it down.

Second, even though you may not have enabled the drinking, there are proably patterns you have developed over the years that deny that there is something wrong. The part of us that moved it to the back burner. Not ignoring it, but not challenging it either.

Is your husband getting some kind of support to stay sober? Even if he only goes to AA a few times, it can make a big difference to hear words that will echo into his sober mind.

It takes about a year for an alcoholic to fully regain sober thinking. Physically it changes the way a brain functions.

Try an Alanon meeting or two. Or go to their website and get some information too. Just reading will make you realize there probably have been patterns in the marriage that will take some time to break.

I don't want to write a book here, but I did want you to know that you have an ear here and someone that knows how hard it is to deal with all of this at once.

PM me if you want, or need to.

You are going to make it through this. You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 months is a very short time on a very long path to recovery. give yourself permission to hurt. It is NORMAL.

The term "enabler" isn't a condemnation. It merely helps you to identify behavior paterns that you may want to change... patterns that are common to most partners of alcoholics. This is NOT your fault. You were doing the best that you knew how to do. His recovery is his responsibility. This is time for you to focus on your own recovery.

I strongly urge you to seek out an AlAnon group in your area and attend a few meetings. It helps so much to know there are others that have gone/are going through the same situation. Many will share their phone numbers and ask you to call them. Do so.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
HaiHaus
♂ Member
Member # 18118
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here, before.

I dropped FWS off in rehab today.

I had told her rehab or divorce, last month. She asked for thirty days. She made it 27.

This sucks. And I got another dday to boot.

I am cold and lonely and have to fly to my home town with my kids tomorrow.

I can post to too damn many of these "I can relate" threads.

[This message edited by HaiHaus at 12:06 AM, December 30th (Tuesday)]


"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees" Will S.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Houston
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is important to know that rehab is only a beginning. The real work starts when she gets out. For now, she is in a good place. Take this time to nurture yourself and recharge your batteries. It would also be a good time to find an alanon meeting. Do this for yourself and your beautiful children.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((HaiHau)))))
Just take care of yourself and your kids right now. Try not to look at the whole picture and get overwhelmed.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Dust Bunny for your response. It makes a lot of sense. I haven't heard from xwh since the disturbing call but I do pray he gets help for himself as I tried everything (besides an Intervention - his family is far away and in denial so I would have no participants) before he left me no choice to leave - found in parking lot with whore.

I appreciate your responding to me.

Hang in there everyone.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
hope4love
♀ New Member
Member # 22238
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just completed four weeks of alcohol rehab. After years of fighting this illness, he finally admitted that he needed help beyond what he was capable of on his own. He just got home on December 18th and on the 20th I learned that one of the reasons he drank so heavily the last four years was due to the guilt he felt from a PA with a co-worker four years ago. Someone who I had also worked with (we were employed at the same place). He explained to me that there was never an emotional connection, just a selfish moment of physical weakness - well, three moments. But that the guilt ate him up and it went no further. He states that it was never about me, never about her - just a stupid, weak moment.
I asked him why he didn't tell me - the last three years we have watched my brother and his wife battle an EA and PA and my husband's brother battle an EA and PA. There were plenty of opportunities there for him to tell me. But he says that he saw what it did to them, their families, and their marriage(happy to say - they are both on the mend) and he couldn't bear to lose me and our two boys.
I know that he is truly sorry - I know that we were different people in a different time at a different place in our relationship when this happened. I have a VERY different man that has come home to me from rehab and I don't believe that this new person I have been blessed with would hurt me the same way. Sounds nieve - doesn't it? I like to think of it as guarded hopefulness! But I just need to let what was be and focus on what is - four years ago feels like a lifetime and with all we've been through with his alcoholism, I feel like we have faced greater challenges.
Don't get me wrong - I am HURT, ANGRY - there are days when I think I could curl up and die or lash out and take his head off. Some days are better than others - But how do you survive those days that are so low? Somedays it is all I can think about. I just want it to go away and I know it won't - I have already forgiven (forgetting is the hard part - I don't think you ever) him for his actions - as I said - different time, different place - and I don't want to lose another minute with my H than I have to alcoholism in the past years of our marriage.
I love him - but I need to work through this. HELP!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Missouri
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of all those years you were talking to a bottle. I am sure you H didn't respond like he does now as a sober person. Listens now with a sober mind.

For my husband he was able to have an A because he was able to cover up any feelings or guilt with booze. He never had to live with himself and the pitiful person he had become. He had turned into his addiction. At the most he was a bottle.

So now he is sober and the things he did when he was drinking do not excuse his behavior. Not at all. I don't buy into that. What I do realize is that he is now a different man, a sober man. And Soberman, as I call him, loves me with his heart and with his actions.

Still, he has had some mental changes due to alcohol abuse. He repeats himself often, he doesn't have as good of memory. Some of these things I have just not mentioned because I see no reason to put salt into his wounds.

The main thing, and i have said it here often, is that I made it clear I would try to R, I would try to forgive, I would be mentally and emotionally supportive, but ONLY if he is sober.

I too cannot put up with any more alcoholism drama and hurt. I just cannot.

The infidelity is a seperate issue for me. While tied to alcohol, I do not forgive him the A because he was drunk because the lies were told when he wasn't drinking. They were premeditated and thought out.

How do you forgive? Time, his actions, no lies, NC, doing what he says and saying what he is doing. All these things helped to build trust over time.

I still have moments of hurt that overtake me, but not like before. Sometimes i am just sad and mad for all that was lost. I try hard to remember how much we have gained. It isn't always easy.

PM me anytime. I cannot answer all the questions or solve all the problems but I can listen and I can understand.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dearest Why ... I am honored if anything I wrote helped.

Dearest Hope...
Yes your H is different and yes, he needs support. You have been damaged too and you are in need of support as well. Just because your H has changed does not mean he gets to avoid the consequences of his past actions. AA advocates making amends. It is part of the healing process. He caused this damage & he is obligated to help you recover if the two of you hope to move forward together.

You cannot sweep the past under the rug. Yes, I believe that you truly have forgiven him but you still have a world of pain to work through. It won't go away by itself. Try to help your H understand that. Find support wherever you can. I strongly urge you to join an Alanon support group if you haven't already. Perhaps professional counseling would help both of you.

Trying to pretend the past didn't happen isn't good for either of you. The past will sneak up on you and ambush you when you least expect it.

I am going to use a strange analogy. We have a camping trailer. There were times when my H would use it for fishing trips. I would nag him about cleaning it out afterwards and he would always claim he did but I would inevitably find something nasty later on. The last time we were getting ready for a trip, I opened the refrigerator and found it full of mold. He had left a watermelon and god knows what else in there. It was so unbelievably GROSS! It took me hours to clean that mess out of there and I let my H know how I felt about it ... AGAIN! Emotions are much the same way. You can stuff them in a little corner for a while but they will eventually burst upon the scene when you can least afford it.

Try to let your H know that this isn't about hurting him or punishing him. You need help dealing with the past so you can build a future with him.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a recovering alcoholic and the child of an alcoholic. I've been on both sides. Dealing with an active alcoholic is Hell pure and simple. An alcoholic in true recovery can be the best person you could ask for.
If you love an alcoholic, al-anon is very helpful, But I suggest Open Speaker AA meetings too. Anyone can attend an open meeting. Sometimes the family members will be there too and everyone is more than happy to talk to you and share their experiences. I think the best way to understand an alcoholic is to hear their stories, you'll be amazed at how similar they are.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDLW ... EXCELLENT POST!!!

Thankyou for your input.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
notapuppet
♀ Member
Member # 16480
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been sober for 4 months. Not by choice - he was arrested after coming home drunk one night and firing a gun in our house. He goes to court in Feb, and I just have this feeling he will start drinking again once all this is said & done. But, in the meantime I am frustrated that I can't make the most of this time with him sober. I can't let go of the resentments. He's still being a manipulator. Still trying to turn everything around to be my fault. So, I guess the mind is not sober yet, right? I've felt alone since our son was born. Now I'm ashamed to admit there's another man paying attention to me. Ugh. I know, don't go down that road. In a way it gives me hope that someday I can be happy again. It's just so hard to see it right now. I just feel like there's no love left in our relationship. If he loved me he wouldn't have strayed in the first place. HELP!


Me: 39
Him: 37
Together: 9 years
Married: 4.5 years
2.5 year old son

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure this is a repeat but - for all those who love an alcoholic. Give Al-anon a try.

I'm an atheist and the 12 steps still really helps me. I sub the God and higher power with a humanist point of view.

I was reluctant to work the 12 steps until I came to this realization. A vast majority does treat it as a spiritual journey but I have found that my point of view is accepted and appreciated, in Al-anon.


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

notapuppet,

I so recognize myself in your post. Alanon will help you find the strength to make the choices you feel you need to make.

Things I learned in Alanon:
1: My husbands sobriety is HIS responsibility and NOT mine.

2: I can find happiness and peace without compromising my own values whether or not my husband continues to drink.

3: My time & energy is put to better use by working to improve myself instead of my H. Trying to control what my H does is an exercise in frustration anyways so why not put my energy where it will get the best results?

Like many people in similar circumstances, I went to Alanon kicking and screaming. There was nothing wrong with ME! His drinking was the problem! I guess I felt going to Alanon was admitting that I wasn't smart enough or good enough or strong enough or had enough of whatever it was I needed to make everything perfect. I was wrong.

Your H is dealing with feelings of inadequacy. Drinking is part of his coping mechanism. Another way he deals with these feelings is to turn things around and make it seem like all his problems are your fault.

You feel isolated, unappreciated and lonely. If you want another relationship, end your current one first. For your own sake, don't walk in your H's shoes. Also keep in mind that we are attracted to the same type of people over and over. You should address this issue BEFORE you enter into another relationship. This other man sees a vulnerability in you and is trying to take advantage. I think it would be a big mistake to give him that opportunity. You don't need another man to make you whole. In fact, you can forge better relationships if you become stronger and more independent.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

notapuppet,
an alcoholic that just stops drinking is NOT sober, they're just a "dry drunk" Their behaviors will stay the same, they just won't be drunk.
You have to take care of yourself, Unless your H wants to get sober, you can't help him. My H tried for years to get me to quit, in the end I had to hit MY bottom and do it for myself. But he did help me to realize it. You can't ever let an alcoholic slide. Call them out every time they drink and think you don't know it.
If you ignore it, they think you are clueless and they will think they are "getting away" with it. Make it hard for him to do. He'll get angry, but tuff crap. Make it really hard for him to do. The harder it is for him to drink, the more likely he will "wake up".


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to supplement April's excellent post.

All of the people in my group are christian but we try to be as faith-neutral as we can be. Many newcomers are often disillusioned with religion and we often stress that faith can mean different things to different people.

There are Alanon groups that offer support specifically to atheists. I've even seen the 12-steps rewritten with atheists in mind.

Every group is different. If you are in an area that has more than one group, try them all out. One may be a better fit for you. No one is judgmental, er ... most of the time. If you just want to sit and listen, chances are you will still be welcomed. The groups I have attended don't try to force newcomers to participate.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was curious as a newby to AA what amends entails. Is it an apology to the people they hurt? Just curious....

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was curious as a newby to AA what amends entails. Is it an apology to the people they hurt? Just curious....

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tnk,
Amends are different for different situations.
"made direct amends to such people wherever possible.except when to do so would injure them or others"

Sometimes an apology is an amends,sometimes you need to make monetary amends.I've known people who have fixed things for people they had broken, turned themselves in to police for crimes they commited It depends on what you did to harm the person, you have to try to fix it.
I was worried how I could make amends my family. My son was 5 when I got sober and he didn't know much at that point. My sponsor said you make amends to your family by being a better mother and wife.By recovering and making yourself better you make amends to the ones that love you.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
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