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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
notapuppet
♀ Member
Member # 16480
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for responding to my post.

Your H is dealing with feelings of inadequacy. Drinking is part of his coping mechanism. Another way he deals with these feelings is to turn things around and make it seem like all his problems are your fault.

So very well said! I haven't looked at it that way. I have been going to Alanon for 4 months and I love it. I obviously have a long way to go.

Of course the ideal man to me right now is one that doesn't have issues with drinking. Again, I have a long way to go.

My H left me a note yesterday with 2 things he feels he needs from me: better communication & affection. It angered me, but I didn't let him know that. I feel like he doesn't tell me anything - like he doesn't feel it's important for me to know. So, he wants better communicaiton from me?? Grrr. As for affection - I'm so full of resentments right now that I don't want to hug or kiss him. Again, a funny one. I've been asking for the very same thing for a couple of years now. I got tired of asking.

FRUSTRATION!!!


Me: 39
Him: 37
Together: 9 years
Married: 4.5 years
2.5 year old son

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

notapuppet

I totally understand how you feel. I have dealt with the same thing with my H. Glad you are attending AlAnon. That should be a great help along your journey.

You must understand that these resentments were built up over a long period of time. They won't go away overnight. Baby steps. I would suggest you tell your H that you need the same thing from him. Communication is a 2 way street. He has made a start by reaching out to you. What will you accomplish by allowing your resentments to hold you back?


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am angry today. I am wondering how this is all going to play out in the end... I came home thinking, "When was the last time my WH asked me how my day was?" Or drew me a nice bath after a hard day? I am new to the AA info with my WH being sober 60+ days but when tell me when does it get better? When do they start getting it that life is not all about them? When does it really sink in what a mess they have made of everything? I am playing nicey right now cause he is so pitiful but i am d*mn mad inside. Every time i look at him I can't believe what he did to me. I feel like leaving a dr. john letter and just leaving the state. He thinks things are going well with the R since we're not fighting. Deep down as I spend every night alone I think wow. Is it my choosing or because the circumstances dictate we are separated. I really think i could have dealt with the alcoholic problem in of itself. I could have been supportive even though the last few years have been hell and he kept this charade up. But the affair sends me to another planet. Everyone says just take care of yourself. Yeh right, well he basically emotionally abandoned my kids after everything came out because he is ashamed. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I could just walk away from life, kids, everything, and just focus on myself and getting better. I know I sound bitter and resentful. thanks for letting me vent.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

try Al-anon. just go to one meeting and see if you meet people just like you.


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Ive taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
serenity_08
♀ New Member
Member # 22342
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I'm a newbie here so please read my profile for my story.
In my case, alcohol was not an issue to me before the ONS. After all, I drank too but we always knew our limit. It is now and issue because of my SO's ONS. I thought about it a couple of times that if he continues to drink the way he did, ONS could happen but just like so many people, I brushed it off cuz I know that he loves me and he would not hurt me like that. So, fast forward 2 months after ONS, he still drinks once in a while, in the house or in front of me but still not enough for me. I want him to quit since alchohol was a main factor of the ONS. This will eventually be the deciding point whether I stay or leave. He said he will try. BTW, what is an alcoholic? Someone who drinks everyday? My SO has been drinking for years. No DUI, always have a job. He never drank everyday, mostly the weekends. I'm so confused about this. Am I being unrealistic?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: ATL
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tnkrbell ... (((HUGS)))
You said it was a vent. I recognize that fact. Your feelings are real and they are valid. I am sorry you are hurting.

Your vent voices questions and concerns I have heard over and over again so I am going to respond to them for anyone else that may be reading these posts.

I know we sound like a broken record. Here it is again.
Go to AlAnon.

No one can give satisfactory answers to all of your questions. You must find those answers yourself. AlAnon can put you on that path and help you along the way.

"but when tell me when does it get better?"
This will be hard for you to hear and even harder to accept but it is the truth. Alcohol is not the problem. It is a symptom. We all think that life would be all sunshine and roses ... if they would only stop drinking. Well they stop so where are the sunshine and roses? When the alcohol is gone, we must look at ourselves and it is a damned uncomfortable place to be. Things will get better when YOU get better.

Taking care of yourself sounds selfish. Becoming healthier and emotionally stronger is selfish. Being a better person and a better parent is selfish. Having food in the cupboard and a bed to sleep in is selfish. Would you agree that this sort of selfishness is healthy and good for your children?

Let's look at another form of selfishness. Allowing yourself to become so obsessed with another persons choices to the point that you neglect your health, you neglect paying the bills, you can't sleep. You become ill and miss work so there is less money for necessities. You are so drained that you are emotionally unavailable for your children. Is this choice healthy?

"I can't even imagine what it would be like if I could just walk away from life, kids, everything, and just focus on myself and getting better."
Very few of us have the luxury of taking a sabbatical from our everyday life while working on ourselves. That is why programs like AlAnon exist. We can choose to continue the same old self destructive, obsessive behaviors ... or ... we can get help. It doesn't have to AlAnon. You can choose counseling, see your pastor, take seminars ... whatever will help you rebuild your self confidence and help you build decision making tools. One thing is certain, if you do nothing, nothing will change.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Serenity ...

"what is an alcoholic? Someone who drinks everyday? My SO has been drinking for years. No DUI, always have a job. He never drank everyday, mostly the weekends. I'm so confused about this. "

There are no easy answers to your questions. There is no simple, pat definition of an alcoholic. Everyone has different tolerance levels. My H went from drinking on weekends to adding one or two during the week. Gradually over a number of years it escalated to him getting drunk every night. He never missed work, never got a DUI but his health was beginning to be affected.

Alcohol doesn't make us do things we don't want to do. It lowers our inhibitions. When drinking, we do things that we want to do but would have otherwise resisted. Your bf had a ONS because he wanted to ... not because he was drinking. The drink merely gave him permission of sorts.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dust Bunny. I guess I better hightale it to Alanon. I guess if I'm honest I am ashamed. i think that is one of my character flaws ore things i need to work on. I am a very private person who doesn't like others knowing my business. Is it prideful? I dunno. Guess i'll look it up. Do you think the 180 is applicable for being for all practical purposes separated? I have been having these big text rants with my H. Should I just try and leave him alone?

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question is do these "text rants" help you in any way? Sure, they give you momentary relief. Isn't it also true that he responds in a way that twists your words around to make it seem like you are a controlling bitch making unreasonable demands? and you are back to feeling angry and frustrated? It's a one-up game.

You can pull yourself out of his little game. Doing the 180 is a start. Alanon recommends that you "detach with love." Do not respond unless necessary. If you do need to respond, treat him with kindness and respect and do it in a way that you can feel good about yourself.

Lots of people feel a sense of shame about attending AA or Alanon which is a little ironic. These same people have vicious public scenes with their alcoholic loved ones. My H balked at attending AA because he worried about people knowing him... the same people that witnessed his public alcoholic behavior. Like I said in a previous post, we have all been there.

Another axiom I picked up at Alanon is that we are only as sick as our deepest darkest secret. Somehow, when I decided to talk about my problems, they became less daunting and lost much of their power over me. I still have problems and still have demons to wrestle. With Alanon's help, those demons aren't nearly as terrifying as they once were.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
whyamistillhere
♀ Member
Member # 22471
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also am in a relationship with a cheating alcoholic. I believe him when he says it was the first time he ever cheated, but it is hard when you know they lie about everything else to cover up the addiction.

I feel like a fool for continuing our relationship, but can come up with "reasons" to keep going with every crisis.

UHHHGGG!


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2009
whyamistillhere
♀ Member
Member # 22471
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I should also add that I am a recovering codependent.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2009
maddy
♀ Member
Member # 21812
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i've looked for definitions but seem to really need examples of the difference between a sober alcoholic and a dry drunk.

anyone?


Posts: 475 | Registered: Nov 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi maddy - A sober alcoholic doesn't drink AND is working a recovery program to address the behaviors. A dry drunk simply doesn't drink but still has the behaviors (lying, cheating, rages, etc.). The dry drunk isn't working a recovery program and thus has a higher chance of relapse. Check out soberrecovery dot com for more info.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya Whyamistillhere.

We are ALL recovering co-dependents. Acknowledgment is half the battle, right?

If leaving is what you need then you will do it when you are ready and not one moment sooner. Meanwhile, I suggest you get some help to cope with your current situation whether it be IC or alanon or some other form of support. You are going through a lot right now.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
whyamistillhere
♀ Member
Member # 22471
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dust Bunny. I am actually trying to find a therapist right now. I have found some great online support, and fully intend to start alanon and/or coda face to face meetings soon also. It is a lot, but you are so right about knowing being half the battle. It still hurts a lot to look at myself so closely, but I don't take any of it back. It is painful, but I finally feel like I can live MY life. If I hadn't been reaching out and learning about codependency, my other problems, and his addictions, there would be no way I could handle what is going on now. Because I feel stronger in what I need to do for me, I feel like I can be centered through this crisis, and make a decision based on what is good for me, not a decision based on feelings of worthlessness and neediness YKWIM? Thanks for the support.

BTW, I LOVE the sober recovery site mentioned in a previous post. There is TONS of support there.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2009
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, you are doing much better than I was at that stage. I think it is terrific that you have lined up all that support. You can never have too many friends.

Like most of my AlAnon friends, I thought I had my stuff together. There was nothing wrong with me, ~HE~ was the one that needed help. 2 weeks post D-day I was an absolute basket case. I knew something was wrong but didn't know who to trust. I went to Alanon out of desperation ... needing someone to talk to and not knowing where to go. I wish I had started going years earlier. My life would have been totally different.

I agree that Sober Recovery is a great site. I don't visit too much anymore but I did get a lot of help and comfort there.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
mw1017
♀ New Member
Member # 22061
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like a fool for continuing our relationship, but can come up with "reasons" to keep going with every crisis

Yup, that's me alright! Way before I found out about the A I had considered leaving WH because he cannot handle his drinking. At one point, we nearly got evicted from our apartment because he came home so drunk he couldn't even tell which apartment was ours, tried to put his key in the neighbor's door (three buildings down!), gave up, puked on himself and passed out on her doorstep. She was so scared the next morning that she locked herself in her home and called 911. We had to pay a huge carpet cleaning bill as well as the medical bills from the ambulance that came and took him to the hospital! I was HORRIFIED!

Yet I stayed . . . and faced stuff like that dozens of times again before finding out about the A. WH has now agreed to go to MC, which I'm hoping will be able to convince him to get alcohol treatment as well. He has also promised to cut all ties with OW, who works at his favorite bar. That cuts down the times per week he goes there from 5 or 6 to only 2 or 3. Still, it's kind of like me with a bag of M&M's - why tempt yourself if you know you can't stop once you get started? (I've struggled with my weight since having DS! lol)

We're trying, though, and at least now I have some hope WH knows he has a problem. I appreciate all of your support, and thanks to the poster who directed me to this thread!!!


WH and BS (that's me!) both 25
Married 4 years
SAHM to 2yo DS
D-day part 1 November 28th, 2008
D-day part2 December 12th, 2008

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Wisconsin
lct59
♀ Member
Member # 12029
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. If you read my profile you will see that my WH meet both the OW in AA. 2nd d-day was just over a year ago and we have been seperated (him living with OW #2) for 6 months.

I have been very active in alanon for a year now. after many attempts to find my own program of recovery i fanlly think im getting it. the difficulties lies in what next.. WH and I are on the verge of trying to reconcile.. He has gotten sober again and is back in AA. So im struggling with the principal of my program.. the acceptance issue, letting go of resentements, staying out of his program, his problems etc.. (for those who know alanon will understand)and trying to find a happy medium for reconcillation.

I have no problem setting the very clear cut NC boundry. Its the rest of the stuff.. Anyone done this. Tried to reconcile and work there own program of recovery? This is one scarey adventure im about to undertake.. but my heart is telling me to give it a try.


Me -BS, 44
Him - WH, 47
D-Day 11/30/05
NC 6/15/06
2nd D-day 1/11/08 friend of first OW
He left 7/17/08
Its over
1/10/09 He wants to try again, have no clue if it will work out...

**Nobody said life was going to be fair.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Illinois
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This board has been slow so I have been trying to check in on a regular basis. I am by no means an "authority". I try to offer my perspective and hope against hope that it helps someone.

IcT wrote:

Anyone done this. Tried to reconcile and work there own program of recovery?

A lot of us are going through this. It is sort of a catch-22. Alanon wants us to focus on ourselves yet we are trying to rebuild a marriage at the same time. It's a fine line to walk.

There is an accronym for problem solving. The 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance & Action. We are warned to think things through before taking action. Awareness can mean to identify if the situation is something you have control over or not. Is this really YOUR issue or are you trying to exert your influence in a situation where you really have no control.

Acceptance is harder than it sounds. It is difficult to accept that we don't have all the answers to other people's problems. It is difficult to accept that even if the solution to someone's problem is obvious to us, sometimes the process is more important than the solution.

Action ... choosing to do nothing can be an action. Often an issue isn't as urgent as we may feel it is. We may need to step back from the issue and revisit it later when we are calmer. We are often cautioned that whatever action we choose, that it be something that "helps me feel good about myself."

Just rambling a bit.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks dustbunny...

I needed to read that right now.

FWH is struggling with issues that were a trigger for him to drink...and cheat.

And that triggers me.

But he needs to be able to process this...and all I can do is continue to work on my own stuff.



FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

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