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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Momuv4
♀ Member
Member # 17798
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly believe now that there is no way you can have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. No way. You can have a very dysfunctional one but not a healthy one.

When my exh was sober he was quiet and normal. When he was drinking he was obnoxious and thought he was such a stud. He needed external validation and when he was drinking is when he would text OW and plan their times together.

In July I turned him in for a DUI and he has not forgiven me since. He thinks that I "betrayed" him and that is the reason for the M falling apart. Not the drinking and not the A.

He is still drinking but trying to hide it. Nothing has changed. OW takes him to his DUI classes and picks up beer for him on the way home. She runs his errands, and is his F buddy!

He lost his family but still has OW and his booze. Gee...what more can a man want?


Me: 44,H: 35,Married 1 year
Divorced 07, pregnant right after.
Thought we were in R, wrong!
H still involved with OW 2/08
H said he was committed
3/08 Little Girl Born!
7/08 DUI and found contact with OW
Kicked him out!
Trying to rebuild

Posts: 972 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: California
foralways
♀ Member
Member # 18642
What?  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm ecstatic to have found this thread...my stbxh is an active alcoholic...the condition for R was that he would get sober and like you luc i was concernd that his recovery would be above my needs...didn't have to deal w that for long since he couldn't let go of his drinking!
i met w him yesterday (1st in 6 mon) to discuss settlement agreement and he was all remorse, all sorry but i was able as best as i could to keep it all in check...the one thing that speaks louder than anything at this point is his drinking and yes he was drinking...i really appreciated your post too M4, i will print it and read read specially the first line: no way one can have a healthy relationship w an alcoholic...I know this to be true...so grateful for this thread, also i am a recovering alcoholic for 20 yrs (my sobriety is the most imporatant thing in my life, without i have nothing!)


what's love got to do with it?
me BS 48 WH 49 M 24 yrs.
Children: awesome sons: 21& 23, amazing daughter 15
D day 2/11/08 - S 2/11/08
R working on it since 5/10/08
7/29/08 find out it was F R
filing for D 8/19/08~ filed 9/8/0
divorced 3/24/09

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Las Vegas
lucylu
♀ New Member
Member # 22847
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're so right Momuv4 - you CAN'T have a healthy rel w/ an active alcoholic. Tried that and crashed and burned big time. But do I keep trying now that he's supposedly working on it? Do I hold out hope that an R is possible? Or do I stop the pain and torture now and cut my losses?


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 42
Married: 10 years
D-day: 2/12/09

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Illinois
goodbye_virginia
♀ Member
Member # 16321
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friday afternoon my husband told me he was going to stop drinking but didn't know how.
I am tired of feeling second-best..either because of other girls or the liquor. I am scared but thank you for this topic. I am reading all the posts now, just want some good thoughts. Thanks.


Me- BW 35
Him - WH 43

Posts: 53 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find these threads overwhelming. I wanted to say that up front. I read 6 pages of this so far and had to stop.

My WH has not had a drink in 2.5 months (since dday) - I told him if he wanted to come home he had to start AA which he has done, but deep down I don't believe HE really believes he's a true alcoholic. The evidence is hard to diffute but he loves his beer. We have been in MC/IC and he started AA. Basically I told him if he ever drinks again, we are done. I hope I can stay true to that.

My MC suggested I read Codependent no more, so I ordered it this week. I also went to an Al-anon meeting. What I find interesting is the theme is we must do for ourselves and "distance" ourselves. Unfortunately, I think I was already doing that before the A. I had told him a few times I thought he was drinking too much and nothing was ever done about it. We had become distant and I started doing my own things in life to make ME happy. I never waited for WH to try to do what I needed, and it was very lonely.

I probably should have left back then, but I guess was scared and didn't really know what was happening.

Then A happened and now my world is shattered (and it wasn't that great) - since then my WH has made great strides to be the man I need. I'm not sure he'll ever be what I hope for because I cannot make him do things (like go back to school) but I can do those things. He's trying so hard now and never tried before. So am I to still distant myself from the alcoholic? He is still an alcoholic, only not drinking. It is a struggle...how do I protect myself, and try to repair a marriage? The information seems contradictory. Am i still an enabeler of some sort?


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
Dust Bunny
♀ Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya (((mom3)))
I'm so glad you found an Alanon group. They have some wonderful literature which I hope you received at the meeting. The 12 steps, the principles and slogans are a lot to take in. It will be a while before it begins to make sense. I suggest that you choose one issue at a time to focus on. The 12 steps is a good place to start. Below is a website devoted to working the steps and expands on each step. You may have to scroll down a bit to find the links to the individual steps.
Outline of 12 Steps:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/steps1.html

the theme is we must do for ourselves and "distance" ourselves.

Not distancing as such but "detachment with love". Learn to not become so obsessed by our alcoholic loved one's behavior but treat him/her in a way that we can feel good about ourselves. This is a difficult concept to grasp and harder to practice. We are encouraged to "keep practicing" until we get it right. Below is another URL to a web page devoted to detachment.
Detachment:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I'm not sure he'll ever be what I hope for because I cannot make him do things (like go back to school)

Acceptance is another concept we are encouraged to explore. Do you want your H to love you as you are? or love the person he wants you to be? Almost all of us deeply desire to be accepted as we are by those we love. If we feel we don't measure up to a loved one's ambitions for us, we feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy and may eventually seek that acceptance elsewhere. This is why Alanon encourages us to pull our focus away from changing our alcoholic and put that focus where it should be ... on improving ourselves.

So am I to still distant myself from the alcoholic?

Not from the alcoholic but from his alcoholic BEHAVIOR. Try to treat him with compassion and love ... even when he is being hurtful. This is a learning experience for both of you.

I went to the Alanon site and learned they have a new book out on relationships.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/b30.html
Their literature is so awesome. I haven't seen this book yet but I have every confidence it will be helpful. It is probably available on Amazon too.

Am i still an enabeler of some sort?

The easy answer would be "yes" because we all are to some degree. You are the only one that can truely answer that question though, and it may take you some time to find that answer. Take your time. You didn't get here over night and you won't recover over night either. Be patient and kind and gentle with yourself as you embark on your journey of self discovery. It will be painful. There will also be joy. The important thing is to not give up on yourself.


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3242 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
kingdom_belle
♀ Member
Member # 22781
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am new to this forum. I am so glad I found it. My H is an Alchoholic. I am working to heal myself and find out where I'm still enabling him. I am co-dependent. I look forward to reading posts.


Me - BW
Him - WH
DD 5 mo
DS 4 1/2 yo
D-Day 01.28.2009
Status: S...R?????
In MC
H claims he started AA 03.06.2009

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13


Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2009
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kingdom-belle, I posted on your other thread, and I am new to this one. I assumed it was here but have never read or posted here. My fwh is an alcoholic, who has got himself into some terrible situations while drunk, including cheating, duis, drugs, etc. I am really starting to realize how prominent this problem is, it makes me sad.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
kingdom_belle
♀ Member
Member # 22781
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9years thanks for posting. My H has had dui's as well a scare of 1 yr in jail, countless incidents of soiling himself and also not remembering things (blacking out)...Glad to have found thi splace


Me - BW
Him - WH
DD 5 mo
DS 4 1/2 yo
D-Day 01.28.2009
Status: S...R?????
In MC
H claims he started AA 03.06.2009

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13


Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2009
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kingdom_belle is your husband still drinking or is he in recovery?


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
kingdom_belle
♀ Member
Member # 22781
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingtwo he claims he hasn't had a drink since DDAy...well a friend of ours called me last night asking about H b/c he hadnt heard from him since 2 weeks ago when they went out...and t urns out he had asked him to buy him drinks.

He claims he's ready to go to AA but is yet to make the meeting.

I dont think he thinks he's an alcoholic.


Me - BW
Him - WH
DD 5 mo
DS 4 1/2 yo
D-Day 01.28.2009
Status: S...R?????
In MC
H claims he started AA 03.06.2009

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13


Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2009
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I bought the Co Dependent No More book and a few others. ..One Al-Anon book too..

My WH is like pulling teeth to get him to talk. He has not had a drink since Dday and last night I told him to talk to me. After pulling teeth, he stated, he didn't like the "restrictions" I put on him.

I said, "What restrictions?" He proceeded to talk about drinking and alcolhol and how guys from work asked him to go for a drink after a shift and he wanted to but couldn't.

I am an enabler. Well, not in all forms, but I try to FIX things.

I proceeded to tell him we've had 10 yrs of a shit marriage for several reasons..then the A happened (when he was drunk) I told him we have had a completely unhealthy relationship and for us to survive, we needed a HEALTHY relationship and did he feel that drinking was adding to our HEALTHY relationship?

He really struggled last night and cried. He said he is so mad at himself. I know he is struggling. I wish he could ask his friend to be his sponser, but he hasn't. If I push him, I feel like I'm "enabling" him or trying to "fix" him.

This is very hard on me too. I have 3 children under 5.

I'm proud he went to AA this morning, but by no means is this an easy recovery for anything. Not for the A or for his alcohol problem.

He was a functioning alcoholic too. Never missed a days work, or had DUI, or some other red flags, but he definitely has all the major issues related to it. Can't organize, or remember things, he is numb to intimate connection. I have to pry it from him.


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, recovering alcoholic here, 8 yrs sober.
kingdom_belle,
It's tough if he doesn't think he's an alcoholic, most of us have a hard time admitting we are.
Keep pushing meetings, I strongly suggest Open speaker meetings and Open beginner meetings. You could even go with him to those meetings.
You can learn a lot, and anyone can attend, you don't have to be an alcoholic or introduce yourself. This is less threatening for those still in denial.
I've heard so many people say they came to these meetings to prove to themselves and their spouse that they are NOT an alcoholic, and shortly after they are right there with us in recovery.

momofliketriplet,
The early days in recovery are HELL,alcoholics go through the fog too.
Is he going to meetings every day? If not, try to encourage that, or encourage him to at least get that sponsor. Then his sponsor can encourage him to do what needs to be done.
Because was functioning it is harder for him to see what alcohol has done to him.
I too never had a DUI, missed a day of work, or lost anything. But I was still an alcoholic.
In AA we don't say "never" we say "not yet". Meaning that if we do drink, we can be sure that those things WILL happen, it's just a matter of time.
There is a progression to alcoholism,the time frame is different for everyone, but we all go through the same stages.
My sponsor has a saying, The elevator stops at every floor.
meaning, We don't have to hit the basement to get off that elevator and recover.
If we stay on it, sooner or later we WILL wind up in the basement.




WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sponsor has a saying, The elevator stops at every floor.
meaning, We don't have to hit the basement to get off that elevator and recover.

I love this and it is so true. It becomes very disheartening to hear that people have to hit rock bottom before they realize. I have hoped for a long time that this was not true for everyone. That phrase gives me hope, so thank you. Also I wanted to add, my fwh has been sober for 3 1/2 weeks. He has hit a bit of a rough patch I think so I tried to just give him space.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1DLW
He doesn't go to meetings daily. His councelor said he needed to go a minimum of 3-4 times a week. He's LUCKY if he gets to two, but in the past 3 weeks I think he's gone to 1.

In his defense, we've had the worst timeing for all of this. The dday for us was 12/10 and we bought a new house 12/5 and we bought a rehab house. We had only so much time to fix it and get the loan flipped over and he was not only dealing with me and what I'm going through, but then the alcoholism and MC/IC, and his regular job.

I do like your suggestion. I'm going to try to find an open meeting and go with him. I've never gone with him. I always left it for him to do and think I could show some support in that way.

I love the elevator analogy. I'm going to tell him that.

It's hard when they don't think they REALLY have a problem.


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well,
I got shut out. I found a great meeting and said I would go with him Wednesday night. He said "no" - He said there is no reason for me to go, but he really does appreciate all my support.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not.


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am haunted by xwh. I was out getting lunch today and heard a lawyer talking on the phone about a client who sounded like xwh's last name (which is often mispronouced as this guy did). He seemed frustrated talking about this client and even started asking if they had contacted the cop/police involved. It really shook me up. xwh has been in no contact with me since mid-Dec. I have no idea if he is in recovery or still out there drinking. I was really surprised how this convo shook me up. I remember someone posting how we BS can have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) from what has happened to us. The not knowing what is going on is just as frustrating as being in the day to day antics of an alcoholic. Think I could use an Alanon meeting


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom,
so sorry he doesn't want you to go. He's new to recovery so he could be just nervous about you being there. I've got a few years under my belt, so I love when my BH comes with me, we make it a "date" go to starbuck's first and talk, it's very nice.
Don't give up, ask him again, and ask why he wouldn't want you to go. See how he would feel about you going to one without him. It's a great way to learn about alcoholics, and the message is good for everyone.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
hadnoclue
♀ Member
Member # 15053
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my FWH has been in AA for over a year, with 2 relapses to date, one major about a year ago, and a very minor one about 3 months ago. He's doing well now, but I'm not. Since the A, eventhough we are in R, my trust in him has been shaken to say the least. Everytime he's out where I think he could get into trouble (lunch or dinner with co-workers, business trips) I'm afraid he'll slip and not tell me for fear I'll get mad. I have promised to keep my cool if it happens and work through the situation. But, I'm always afraid...


A woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37
Married 13yrs/together 18
Kids D-7 S-2
D-Day 5/15/07
In R


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: CA
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1DLW,

I'm having a hard time being on the other side. I bought Co-Dependent No More and cried and cried. This book is me to a T, trying to control, REACTING (over and under), depression etc.

For 10 years in my marriage, it was never good. I have no idea if it's because my husband is emotionally distant or an alcoholic, or both. All I know is that I ended up in serious depression. It was sort of bad before the A, but REALLY bad after, and now that I recognized HOW depressed I was, I've tried to change it.

Yesterday, I stopped "reacting" and started detaching from the situation. I am trying to do for ME. I realized it's a lot like 180. The problem is yesterday, it was great. Today, WH is angry and saying he has "needs" - I'm not sure I can meet those needs as trying to fake the happiness or attraction, only makes me more unhappy...that statement also sends FEAR up my spine. He's questioning me and questioning me about WHAT the heck I am doing. So he feels it.

I'm already starting to struggle. This man has thrown my needs away for 10 years and suddenly when I'm not meeting his, he has issues.

I'm confused and in fear. I'm not sure what to do. I feel giving in, is what I've always done and the result is always the same. It's not my job to make him feel good as it was never his to make me, but what do you do? I'm almost 3 months post dday and have NO idea what I should be doing.


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
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