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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh what a great forum!! Been on SI for a couple weeks but someone just told me to look for this thread.

My boyfriend/sons father is sleeping with 2 other women and wants me to act like nothing i going on . I am workin on the 180 and it looks like it's helping I am feeling better..

I attend Alanon which is also helping me A LOT with this. I take online meetings at:

http://www.12stepforums.net/alanon.html

They also have a forum there.


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For anyone who is dealing with infidelity and an alcoholic, you MUST read Co-Dependent No More. It's life changing.

Attend Al-anon too. Frequently. It helps your healing time from the affair too.


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
Ebby17
♀ Member
Member # 23174
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definately going to check out that book and although I feel I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the 4 months my WS and I have been separated, I need all the help and advice I can get. I'm very much aware that I have a long and difficult road ahead of me.

WS seems to be getting better in his rehab physically, but emotionally and his behavior has not really changed much at all. He is still roller-coastering with high highs and very low lows, dragging me along for the ride. He acknowledges his problems and the hurt he has caused, but has yet to begin to accept responsibility or begin to try to repair the damage.

I've been holding on, focusing on myself, doing the 180 (which has been very helpful) hoping to R, but as each day goes by I'm losing faith that it is even possible. Just because I want it to work, doesn't mean it's going to.


BS - 35, WS - 39
No children, but one very loyal dog and three cats.
Married 13 yrs. Total of 17 yrs. together
D-day #1 - 1.16.09 multiple PA's
D-day #2 - 3.9.09 while he was in rehab - EA w/ MOW#2
D-day #3 - 5.12.09 The whole ugly truth - M

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Buffalo, NY
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
somanytears
♀ Member
Member # 18198
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant talk about it all right now,guys....but I need
your support.

It's all coming unravelled....


"Surviving is important,thriving is elegant"
Maya Angelou


Me--BS (54)
Him--WS (58)
Two young adult kids 27 and 22
DDay 02/10/08
Current status:31 years...sigh.


Posts: 912 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((somanytears)))))

So sorry you are having a rough time. We'll be here to listen whenever you are ready. Do Alanon meetings help you?

We are here to support you. This thread isn't too active but hopefully, more SIers will be by shortly.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those new to SI and who may have not had time to read from the thread from the beginning.......my first post on this subject, and by far the best advice i have yet to read on living with an alcoholic:
From a person named nytepassion from the sober recovery web site:

Alcoholics and addicts always require more, more, more of everything that makes em' feel good ... even relationship wise (more of us ... less of themselves) more, more ... more us, less, lesser of them .. and this goes on and on and oneday we find ourselves wondering what the hell happened (we've given so much of ourselves over to our alcoholic loved one) that we have nothing left, but a memory of what we once were and the reality of what we've become is devastating ... We've consistantly weakened and yeilded living our lives for and around the alcoholic, his/her alcoholicism and the behavior thereof for so long, being caught up in trying to change the alcoholic, save the alcoholic, rescue the alcoholic, sacraficing ourselves for the alcoholic ... the alcoholic, the Alcoholic, the AlCoHoLiC... morning, noon and night .. day in day out it spent all around and being all about the ALCOHOLIC and what he/she is or isn't doing or what she/he has or hasn't done, what they said or didn't say, whether they used or didn't use ... that by the time we actually plop down from sheer exhaustion and try to take a moment to breath or to think ... We are devastated at what not only what our lives have become, but more so what we've become in the process of trying to keep our alcoholic loved one away from and off of booze ...

and then we begin the journey into trying to understand what the hell has and is happening to your life ... then to top things off you find that in order to make things better for you and for the ALCOHOLIC you have to let go and Let God ... then the fear sets in, "But what if" what if I let go and he/she gets hurt, or something bad happens or worse (our biggest fear)she/he ends up dead ... So we try to hold on only to find we've been holding our alcoholic loved one up and keeping their feet from touching the ground ... in other words (holding up the alcoholic out of fear they will get hurt ... instead of letting go and letting them fall and realizing that the pain from the fall is just what the doctor ordered) Pain can be beneficial .. It can be a motivator, it can be a constant reminder that things need change in theirs and our lives ...

If you find yourself sitting there reading this and you are in pain because of and over your alcoholic loved one ... let that pain motivate you to seek out your recovery, your healing ...

You are not responsible to make it all better for your alcoholic loved one ... They are responsible for their own lives and how they live it ... and if drugs are chosen over all else then the pain, suffering, and consequences that ultimately come with the territory of being a alcoholic belong to the alcoholic and not the loved one of the alcoholic ...

The very pain, consequences, trouble that you are trying to keep from happening to your alcoholic loved one ... Just might be the very thing that would bring them to rock bottom ... Get out of the way and Let the process begin

The longer you fight it ... the harder you make your own life ...

Besides you can't get around, over or under it ... You're going to have to walk through it to get to the otherside ...


It is usually because we are (or we think we are) at our wits end when we begin to look for answers to help us understand ... we read books, talk to counselors, search the net for answers ... some end up here ... searching, asking questions, trying to understand and make some kind of sense out of their lives ... You read, and read and read, step out and post, read replies, reply yourself and the others that have been down the path before you reach out to try to help you ... to try to take your hand and led you out, but are usually met with resistance, unsurity (should I stay or should I go) What will happen to the alcoholic in my life if I let go to find myself ... Will they lose themselves in booze completely ... so you stay behind because your not quite ready to recovery yourself ... You still feel the need to watch over your alcoholic ... You watch and watch as things decline as they decline and you fight, argue, yell, cry, beg, plead, rationalize, try logic .. only to find you've been beating your head against a brick wall and now to top things off you've busted open your head and not only is your head bleeding, but so is your heart ... Bleeding and crying out Please God, Make this all stop ... (gotta get out of the way so he can reach your alcoholic)

This site is an information booth ... You come in all beat up, weathered from the storm ... you ask for directions ... and are given them, but they are no good UNLESS you follow them ... it takes courage, trust, faith, strength and a real desire to change NOT THE alcoholic, but yourself ...

The alcoholic is going to do what the alcoholic does NO MATTER what you do ... and if you're living paralized waiting for the alcoholic to change before you can go on with your life .. then you could be waiting a long, long time .. You think you're exhausted now ... it doesn't get any better till you get better ...

The best gift you can give yourself and your alcoholic loved one is YOUR OWN RECOVERY ... they can't do it for you ... you can't do it for them ... but each can do it for themselves ... and I can say this .. It is easier for the alcoholic to out run you ... so if you plan on tryin to keep up you better get ready to be put through more hell then you've ever know before ...

It stops when you stop it ...

Here also is the link to the original thread (Part 1) in Inspirations on this topic. Worth a read if you love or loved an alcoholic!
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=75405


[This message edited by NCguy2 at 9:11 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stbWXH has an alcohol problem.
Has not gotten any help because he does not have the time or know where to go(I know,I know!) Nobody can make him go:) But he has clearly stated that he knows he has a problem.

He left. He does not see the kids on unscheduled days but they would really love to see more of him here and there.

He is at the bar often. My DD10 knows. She gets it.
She asks for his time. He says he is busy.

He calls me to clear situations, tell me things. He slurs in conversation and talks over me. I think he's drinking.
He makes these calls to DD also. I don't enjoy the thought of that.
When I ask point blank if he's had a drink he now just flat out says no.

That bugs me. But what do you do?
Is there anything?
Do I talk to him and let him know that this is WH time and we don't need to get involved?

I had a friend that would never pick up the phone for her mom after a certain time of day because she knew she had to cut her off.. or it would be drunken discussion with fighting, mad talk, blahs.
do I do this?

Just wondering. Anyone else out there who can't keep the alcohol from entering the home when the addict doesn't even live there?

How do you firmly assert yourself with the addict and say "I know your drinking tonight and I don't want to talk to you or for you to talk to the kids"??
I can't make plans or discuss the bank accounts with a guy who won't remember in the morning but I am such a pushover I just believe him and try (really hard) to have the conversations.




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Donethat-

You should try a couple Alanon meetings they are extremely helpful.

As far as him calling whenever and saying whatever you should set boundaries like your friend does; dont' answer the phone after a certain time if you know he is usually drinking then. Don't talk to him if he is drunk...

They also have Alateen meetings that could be helpful for your daughter to understand what is going on.


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump so new members know that this thread is here.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
momofliketriplet
♀ Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DoneThat,
I wanted to respond.

He calls me to clear situations, tell me things. He slurs in conversation and talks over me. I think he's drinking.
He makes these calls to DD also. I don't enjoy the thought of that.
When I ask point blank if he's had a drink he now just flat out says no.

There is nothing you can do about that. If your daughter is old enough, I might try to explain that Dad has a disease and help her understand, unless YOU decide you want her to have absolutely no contact while he is drinking. This is your choice and you do have choices.

I had a friend that would never pick up the phone for her mom after a certain time of day because she knew she had to cut her off.. or it would be drunken discussion with fighting, mad talk, blahs.
do I do this?

Sounds like a great plan of detachment. Focus on you and your daughter. If his behavior is affecting you, what are you going to do about it. I personally would just ignore the phone call. If I knew it was about to cause me pain, I wouldn't pick it up.

Just wondering. Anyone else out there who can't keep the alcohol from entering the home when the addict doesn't even live there?

Not sure exactly what you mean here, but if you meant alcoholIC, and he's entering the home, and you don't want him to, you might want to consider legal action. If you meant alcohol, then why is it allowed in your home if you don't want it there?

How do you firmly assert yourself with the addict and say "I know your drinking tonight and I don't want to talk to you or for you to talk to the kids"??

Exactly like that. "Say what you mean, but don't SAY IT MEAN"

I can't make plans or discuss the bank accounts with a guy who won't remember in the morning but I am such a pushover I just believe him and try (really hard) to have the conversations.

Always have a back up plan and never ever rely on an alcoholic. I have started plan b's and even plan c's. I was worried about my alcoholic drinking at a wedding, so I made sure I drove that night. I was prepared to leave if he drank. If for some reason I couldn't, I had the number of a friend to call that would help. Plan B..Plan C.

I wouldn't even consider financial discussions unless you know he's sober. Just give him a copy of any information you think he needs to remember and that way you're not relying on him to actually REMEMBER a conversation.

I also would suggest al-anon


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
NavyWifeErin
♀ New Member
Member # 24514
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this whole thing (dealing with an alcoholic & SI), but I am definitely feeling as though things are looking up.

I work with female offenders, many of whom have serious addictions. I am trying to use coping mechanisms I often discuss with the family members of my clients, and they seem to be working for me.

DBF has also enroled in counseling, the military equivalent of AA, couples counseling and we are looking into finding an Al-Anon group once we move to our next base (threeish weeks).

DBF has always been a drinker, but with the course he is on (he's Canadian Navy), his drinking was kicked up about 78 notches. He is 32, but with a bunch of men who are in their late teens and early twenties, or who are married and are cheating on their spouses. His boozing turned into the only thing he did when he left work every day.

I am happy to say he hasn't drank in 8 days, and seems to be doing ok with it. If he feels like he needs a drink or is bored or the guys are drinking, he leaves his accommodations, sits in his truck and calls me, or he goes for a drive or a walk.

Dealing with the infidelity is killing me, but so is the fact that he is an alcoholic and I didn't realize it. Currently, we are 6300ish kilometers away from each other and have been since last October (with several visits during that time), so I really had no way to detect the amount of alcohol he was consuming or that he actually had a problem.

Hoping I can handle everything that is being thrown my way =)


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
inink
♀ Member
Member # 24251
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw this due to the bump. Great timing for me! I feel alcohol has played a huge role in my husbands transgression. I have mentioned this privately to our MC. It is no excuse, but I sort of feel like dealing with the alcohol is required for me to feel sure this will not happen again. Over the last 16 years the alcoholism has been active and inactive, but poor choices are consistently made when it is a factor and my husband fails to recognize it. I have thought about seeking out a support group but with all the issues we now have, what to address first?


Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh. The HUGE piece of the puzzle I left out of my original post and story.
WSO is an alcoholic, apparently for many, many, many years. He didn't happen to mention this to me when we met.

Alcohol apparently played a huge role in both of his marriages as both X-wives were equally alcoholic and the more recent X still is.

As I've been reading and absorbing all of this, I'm apparently quite the enabler. He's apparently quite in denial and obviously lies, betrays, the whole deal.

Now to open my eyes and approach from the only angle there is to approach this whole ordeal from...that of being with an alcoholic for 4 years, whether actively drinking or not (there's been times he's stopped but not with eyes towards true recovery/healing only because he's been "forced" to)

Thank you everyone for the insight, guidance, wake-up call, and major reality dose.

Just to add a few more of my thoughts...it's been quite cathartic reading here. I feel like the shackles can now come off because I'm realizing I cannot reason with an alcoholic. Period.

[This message edited by SierraGrace at 6:55 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sending love and support to those of you who are still living with an alcoholic in denial.

FWH has been sober for two years, yesterday.

It is such a huge change in our lives. And it is still, as always, one day at a time.

God Bless
HT


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, July 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have experience with someone who has or had liver, pancreas problems from drinking too much?

I just recently found out WS has cirrosis and now saying liver transplant wont do him any good because it's affecting his pancreas...I googled it and confused more...

He hasn't drank in a couple days, he is on antabuse and is starting outpatient treatment this week..can't do inpatient because insurance wont pay for it.

[This message edited by Melissa21 at 1:21 AM, July 13th (Monday)]


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My neighbors XH has pancreatic issues because of drinking...it has ended him up in the hospital more than once. He will sober up for a few weeks after that, and then go bck to drinking again.

You know, if your H would quit drinking, then he would have a much better chance.

She couldn't stand to be around someone who would keep returning to a behavior that was killing him.

She is NC as much as possible - her DD and my DD are best friends...it is so sad...


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last year my H had a scare with his liver. He decided to stop drinking to prove he was not an alcoholic. During this sober time he had a MLC, went to a lawyer, bought a Corvette and had an EA. I literally watched him melt down, but there wasn't anymore I could do with him not drinking than I could with him drinking. I can only say that he was a bigger monster not drinking. Somehow they always manage to blame you for everything. I have spent 37 years trying to figure this man out and finally have stopped trying. After having him removed from the house for threatening me one too many times he finally decides he wants go come home again and reconcile. Only now he is back to drinking to prove that he is not an alcoholic because he can control it. I know this doesn't make sense, but either does my life. I don't understand why so many of us stay with our abusive alcoholics. I think it is more my sickness than his. He never pays his consequences. It's a lonely life.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have not posted in awhile......so hi to any old timers. My X wife barely survived her alcoholism. Her bottom was throwing up blood in an ER (Esophageal varices I think).She has been back with her parents now for a couple of years. Recovering I think, but lost everything.

As for myself, I survived but I am emotionally numb except for the love I have for my kids.

The damage done.........

[This message edited by NCguy2 at 10:02 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
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