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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Waiting@home
♀ Member
Member # 24792
DOH!  Posted: 12:04 AM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abouttherenow, spouses and families of alcoholics share common traits. You say you left an abusive relationship. It's no wonder that you hooked up with an alcoholic. It is pretty much guaranteed that he will abuse you. Oh, it may not be physical, but he will abuse you emotionally. I have lived it for yrs. I have felt isolated, while he hung out with friends who also liked to drink to excess. Apparently, a sober spouse does not make good company and that spouse must be alienated. I think that the sober person causes the drunk person to feel guilt and remorse. After all, they drink excessively because they don't like themselves or are masking problems. Try al-anon and see if it is a fit. Another program is celebrate recovery. We have to learn about what makes us tick and fix ourselves; otherwise we shall continue to engage in relationships w/ unavailable, abusive types.


BS-me
DD1 Dec 13, 2008 EA
DD2 April 15, 2009 EA
M 17 yrs
Divorced the WXH


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jul 2009
czarina
♀ Member
Member # 25333
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is an alcoholic, though he won't admit it.

He has to be drunk to have fun. He becomes a different person when he's drunk-- he's sad, self-absorbed, loud, and boorish. Nobody likes him when he is drunk, and he is completely oblivious to this because he's having fun. He gets very upset when I've tried to talk to him about alcohol, claiming that I'm "ruining his fun."

He used to be the kind of guy that everybody liked immediately when they met him...now not so much.

I find myself grieving not only my marriage, but the person I once knew. The person I fell in love with didn't have an affair. He was far gone at that point.


Me: BW, 29
Him: WH, 29
Married <1 year at D-Day; together 13 years
DDay: 7/19/09 (EA, coworker, started pre-wedding)
Separated 8/1/09
Divorced 7/6/2011

Posts: 216 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: MN
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! Haven't been on this forum, but have a question. My WS was a sex addict, and I am thinking I am prone to attraction to addicts for some reason.

There is a guy right now that I have been hanging out with, and I am starting to suspect he has a drinking problem. What I know so far, he can put away a 12 pack with no problem. He seems to have quite a high tolerance for liquor (leading me to think his body has built up a tolerance for it). Most of his leisure activities center around liquor/beer---nightclubs, tailgating, even hanging with his friends--they drink beer watching sports or whatever.

The one time we went out, he did not drink while with me, but came to me with liquor on his breath, and told me he had a 12 pack before coming.

He has told me of poor judgment decisions he has made while drinking, one time he ended up at a place and got robbed. He also tends to buy drinks for his friends and spends way too much at the bars.

And, last week he had a chance to spend the day with me, (I know he likes me a lot, it is really clear), but told me he just wanted to pick up something to eat on the way home and "chill." My instincts tells me he was wanting to go home and have a drink or something, and he isn't comfortable drinking around me as I don't drink.

Does this sound like alcoholic behavior, or just someone who likes to drink a lot?

Thanks for any opinions!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NA,

Run, far, and fast! I see red alcoholic flags all over the place!
My xwh is an alcoholic so I have read everything about this disease. Check out soberrecovery dot com and read the friends and family section. You will see clearly this guy is most likely an active alcoholic.

[This message edited by Why?? at 8:49 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi czarina,

I'm sorry for your losses. Do you have kids? How much is it impacting you right now, or have you begun to detach? Are there any of his friends you might be able to count on if you decide to stage an intervention? What have you been doing for YOU to keep yourself happy and healthy? (IC, AlAnon, spiritual practice, etc?)

I suggest making a plan. It will get worse, so what are your boundaries? Think about what you really want.

NaiveAgain,

I agree with Why. Your gut is already telling you what's up. Take care of yourself.

Yeah, just as a reality check, a 12 pack in an evening-before going out-is certainly excessive and dangerous. People who "like to drink a lot" generally end up as alcoholics sooner or later, sorry to say.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your answers, I do think he definitely has a drinking problem, and I don't see it getting better at this point, although he has told me he needs to stop doing this stupid crap, so, as much as I care about him, I am probably better off detaching now.

When he drinks, he makes some really stupid decisions, that he always regrets the next day. It is sad, but it is not my battle to fight.

Thanks again for confirming what I have been feeling in my gut. Now on to my issue of why I keep choosing these guys....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
czarina
♀ Member
Member # 25333
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your losses. Do you have kids? How much is it impacting you right now, or have you begun to detach? Are there any of his friends you might be able to count on if you decide to stage an intervention? What have you been doing for YOU to keep yourself happy and healthy? (IC, AlAnon, spiritual practice, etc?)

We have no kids (just a cat; we are sharing custody while we are separated). We are both in IC. He doesn't really have many friends, and the one close friend that he has is also a coworker. I do not think that he would be interested in staging an intervention.


Me: BW, 29
Him: WH, 29
Married <1 year at D-Day; together 13 years
DDay: 7/19/09 (EA, coworker, started pre-wedding)
Separated 8/1/09
Divorced 7/6/2011

Posts: 216 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: MN
Abouttherenow
♀ New Member
Member # 25429
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waiting@home, thanks. You nailed it. It is unbelievable how you can seek out someone who will control you and emotionally hurt you , without knowing what you are doing. It is even stranger that the person will appear at first to be so together and right, then things gradually begin to reveal themselves, slowly, a little at a time. I know I'm a weak damaged person, I have such a fear of confrontation and/ or hurting people's feelings that it just seems easier to just roll along. I'm wimpy , it took 32 yrs. for me to get the nerve up to get out of my marriage and the only reason i finally did was because of how it was effecting my two children. It was teaching so many wrong things. Sooooo, here I am, I know my kids are just probably disgusted - it is hard for some people to do what is easy for others to do. Knowing the facts and acting on them are very different for me unfortunately, I guess. I will check into Al- Anon and try to set some boundries. Thank you for taking the time to reply

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2009
Abouttherenow
♀ New Member
Member # 25429
Frustrated  Posted: 1:04 AM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waiting@home, thanks. You nailed it. It is unbelievable how you can seek out someone who will control you and emotionally hurt you , without knowing what you are doing. It is even stranger that the person will appear at first to be so together and right, then things gradually begin to reveal themselves, slowly, a little at a time. I know I'm a weak damaged person, I have such a fear of confrontation and/ or hurting people's feelings that it just seems easier to just roll along. I'm wimpy , it took 32 yrs. for me to get the nerve up to get out of my marriage and the only reason i finally did was because of how it was effecting my two children. It was teaching so many wrong things. Sooooo, here I am, I know my kids are just probably disgusted - it is hard for some people to do what is easy for others to do. Knowing the facts and acting on them are very different for me unfortunately, I guess. I will check into Al- Anon and try to set some boundries. Thank you for taking the time to reply

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2009
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH took in a friend that "went out" today. He's working really hard to find him a detox and rehab. . .

He only has 6 months clean, and I think it's great he wants to help someone. However. . .

I also said it sure would be great if he had the extra time, energy, motivation, worry and effort to put into ME and look for info about R.

Progress not perfection, right?


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, he definitely has to be alcoholic. I talked with him today and asked if he had ever considered AA, and he got a horrified look and said "No, I only drink twice a week, not every day" (there is denial), but when he does drink, he drinks to get drunk, not because he likes the taste. He will drink 12 beers, or a bunch of shots, or whatever. (Binge drinking). Then he makes the really bad decisions that ends up with him losing his money, or getting his wallet stolen, or ending up in a neighborhood he doesn't know. Then he comes to work the next day telling me he was stupid again the night before and needs to quit this crap. (Remorse, and wanting to stop, but doesn't)

That has to be alcoholism, right? Oh, also found out, he thinks he is bipolar, and I have looked it up, and I agree. I believe that goes hand in hand with the alcoholism sometimes.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 1:23 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Concerned  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It certainly sounds like it. And yes Alcoholic Bipolars tend to self medicate with alcohol so he would have to be treated for that separately than the Alcoholism from everything I have read. There is another site you could read at called gettingthemsober dot com and then click on the green sidebar on the left to read book chapters. There is also a forum there you could read for info. Believe me you are better off finding this out now than further down the road. Untreated Alcoholism is progressive and believe me it gets worse the longer it goes on...sorry

[This message edited by Why?? at 8:31 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Why??.

I will check out that site; I really care about him, even if I am not going to actually end up on a "real" date (we have gone out for tennis and stuff like that, but not on a romantic type date), but man, I do see the mood swings, even at work. He will be fine, and then all of a sudden, this darkness comes over him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,

I hope for you that you keep your observations to a clinical and scientific distance! The magnetic pull downwards addicts exert is powerful.

Czarina,
how are you doing? It's just so very painful to go through this stuff with someone you care about. Ultimately, you just have to decide when enough is enough for you if they refuse to get help.

One argument for setting your boundary sooner rather than later is it can make a difference; some addicts decide to seek help when their primary relationship falls apart. On the other hand, some aren't going to be impacted by anything, but at least you will be on your way to a healthier life.

There are ways to stick with an alcoholic and keep yourself sane and detached. They require a lot of self-knowledge and support it seems, whether through 12 step programs, excellent honest friends or IC.

What does your IC have to say about it? Do you know if your H has discussed alcohol with his IC? Do you have a plan for ending the separation, i.e., deciding whether you want to R or D by a certain time if x y or z is happening?


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you tell someone you think they may have a problem with drinking, without hurting their feelings?

What if you don't drink? I don't drink, but I feel the rest of the world does and it's hard for me to relate. I don't mind if people around me have a drink or two at dinner sometimes, but I don't think I can be with someone who drinks or craves alcohol everyday and talks about it alot. It's just not a part of my life. It makes me sick when a guy starts showing signs of alcohol problems. My mom was an alcholic, it runs in my family and I really have no interest in it.

What do you think about a person who needs a beer or two in order to fall asleep. Then wakes up very early in the morning, and has to have another beer or a few shots of vodka in order to fall back asleep because they don't want morning to come? And the highlight of their night is having beer in the refrigerator and if they don't, they are anxious and crave it?


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, denial is a main component of Alcoholism so even if you nicely sit down and talk to this person they will most likely deny they have a problem. There is a self test online if you google Alcoholic self test that you could refer to the person.

I agree, it seems like today everyone talks about drinking as a sport and guys are downing shots out and drinking all night. Certainly, not my idea of a future mate. Two good sites to read are soberrecovery dot com and gettingthemsober dot com. Also, just reading this thread from the beginning has a lot of good info.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS:

What do you think about a person who needs a beer or two in order to fall asleep. Then wakes up very early in the morning, and has to have another beer or a few shots of vodka in order to fall back asleep because they don't want morning to come? And the highlight of their night is having beer in the refrigerator and if they don't, they are anxious and crave it?

IMO, those are huge red flags. That is not normal drinking. NIH says 2 drinks a day for men is the limit and 1 drink for women. He doesn't sound like a social drinker having a beer or two out at a party.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have to say the whole "I need alcohol to sleep" thing is extremely suspect in my book.

For one thing, alcohol interferes with normal sleep patterns. People who claim to drink in order to sleep have other problems going on: depression, alcoholism, insomnia, etc.

Anyone waking early to drink is waving giant red QUILTS about having a drinking problem.

No easy way to tell anybody they have a drinking problem, and the more defensive they are, the more likely there's a problem. All you can do is stick with observed facts, i.e., "Last night you consumed nine 12 ounce beers. (FWH used to call these "little beers.") It makes me uncomfortable when people drink that much and I will choose not to be around it."

And then follow through.

Nothing easy about any of this on top of A stuff!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
cowboytakemeaway
Member
Member # 3486
Angry  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is an alcoholic who doesn't believe it because it's all my fault. He drinks because of me, he cheated because of me, it had nothing to do with being drunk of course. He drove drunk the other day with his son, my step-son in the car with him and when I brought it up, told me to "prove it". I can't even begin to work on the infidelity becasue he's always drunk and mad..I don't know what to do. This isn't the man I married...


Come Monday, it'll be all right...

Posts: 424 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Pennsylvania
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cowboytakemeaway)))

I am so sorry.

What is your plan? Can you kick him out or get yourself somewhere safe?

Please speak to him (when he is sober) and lay out what you need to happen, i.e., he gets sober, goes to AA, sees an IC, etc. Then be clear about the consequences you will need to take if he refuses.

Either he will comply or he won't. but then you'll have the info you need to make a decision.

Good luck.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
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