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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry haven't figured out how to quote on here..

Keepswimming you wrote: i'm in ic and doing as well as can be expected ... so here's my question to those with more experience on this awful road - would you still recommend alanon for me even if we're divorcing? i'm just so done with him.

I would like to say YES!! Divorcing or not get to alanon meetings!! I left my bf 6 months ago and Alanon has helped sooo much. It's a family disease and affects us. I had no clue till i started going. At least give it a try and go to 6 meetings and decide if it's for you or not.


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
sinned badly
♀ Member
Member # 8168
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted something on the General site entitled "All addictions" Check it out. It may, or may not help. It's worth a try. Good luck


Me- FWW (54)
FBH- (toonyne) (56)
2 affairs 1976 & 1982, 2 ONS, and that's only the beginning

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: canada
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you know it was time to divorce the alcoholic in your life? My alcoholic WS has yet stooped to a new low. She was living with her mother while I sorted out the adultery and removed her alcoholism away from our children. While there she has already ran off with the alcoholic OP she met at detox once for 4 days while relapsed. Came back to her mother's for a couple of weeks. Relapsed again while trying to save the OP from drinking again. She has been with him in his apartment for almost a week, I've just found out.

The 7 relapses since June. An affair with a loser from detox. I've tried to tell myself that it is the disease not her, but the pain is same either way.

I feel that I can't take the disappointment anymore. I know she hasn't chosen the OP over me and the children, but alcohol above all else and he is part of that addiction, but my heart feels the pain just the same.

When did you know?

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 10:35 PM, December 4th (Friday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew it was time at DD#2 when I found him during a drinking binge with ow#2 and he took off and did not come home until the next day and showed ZERO remorse.

You may want to check out soberrecovery dot com. Click on the Friends and Family forum. Many others there are in your same boat.

Best of luck with an alcoholic WS - you can't even deal with M problems or infidelity unless they are really sober in AA and working a program and have a same sex sponsor in AA.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
brokenmommy
♀ New Member
Member # 26448
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm new here and my WF is in AA with about 40 days sober. He left me for OW in May, came back 2 weeks later, then left for her again in September. About a month later he came to me and said he wanted to R. NC since then with OW. He started going to AA meetings out of the blue. Now I find out he was seeing someone he met in AA because we weren't technically together, uuggh. So, yeah, AA is full of 13th steppers, takes up all his time, and he still lies as sure as he breathes.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenmommy
What you have is someone looking for validation.

He looked in a bottle of booze and didn't find it there.

Now he is looking in the soberity web. It happens a lot. "They" "She" understands me....blah, blah blah.

He is not drinking but that does not make a sober mind or a sober thinking person.

Do not kid yourself into thinking that because he is sober he is now a redemed person and all ready to committ to you.

That is hard fact.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
brokenmommy
♀ New Member
Member # 26448
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that. It's not easy but I do need to hear it.
When he first decided to go to AA I was shocked honestly. He didn't drink everyday, but he did drink several nights per week and would get blackout-drunk when he did. When he told me he was going to AA I did think it would work out for us.
It wasn't until I found out about OW#2 that I realized that isn't so. However, after she showed up at his house while I was there (banging on the door screaming like a crazy person), he agreed to transparency. So, we shall see. I know he needs more time sober. He is also getting hyper-religious now, which I know is a phase.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grew up with an alcoholic. She quit.

My first bf was an alcoholic but back then I didn't label him as that. Relationship lasted three months. Thank goodness only that long.

When I met my wh, he could put away 27 bottles of beer a night. Not every night. 10 or 12 bottles was the norm. But he was a funny, kind drunk so I guess in my mind, I excused the drink. (Foolish me).

When he began his a, people said it was due to the alcoholism. My now ex-neighbor was in aa and suggested alanon for me. She put me in touch with someone from that group (whom I will call k).

First night I met her, I found out k knew ow's 2nd ex-h.

Then things got crazy. Long story short, k is friends with ow's cousin. Things got real interesting over a year ago and even tho I didn't do anything except speak the truth, as usual, I got called a liar. k mentioned what i told her to ow's cousin. So, I don't feel safe for going.

My h, though he doesn't drink as much as he used to still drinks and cannot go a day without a drink. In fact, lately he's been getting drunk (usually at home) every night.

When I first met him, he had a six pack. He still has a six pack (insert brand name of that nights purchase) but looks six months pregnant, too.

Prior to the a, when his body couldn't take the alcohol, his body got this strange odor about it. I would gently tell him to slow down on the drinking and that his body wasn't processing the alcohol well.

Once he started the a, he confided in ow that I had ridiculed him, called him a drunk and said he stunk. That's not what I did, but I feel like doing it now. Anyway, she, of course dragged him to the dr. who told him all was in order. While he was with her, he didn't get that odor, tho he was drinking the same, if not heavier (cuz she was now his drinking buddy). I know her friend owns a health food store and am wondering if they gave him a quick fix to mask the symptoms I noticed.

Now, since returning from visiting his family he mentions he needs to take care of himself and have himself checked out to see if liver, etc, is in order. Uh, thought he did this the first months he was messing with her?

Anyway, how do I deal with all this?

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:14 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, December 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

As the queen of denial, it has taken me 3 months to post here, but sober or not, my H is an alcoholic in denial.

His A was with a drinking buddy who always contacted him when she was drunk and thinking of him.

He stopped drinking on his own in May with only 2 drunk events since them (one in sept and one in nov).

he is open to AA meetings but hasn't started going yet (lots of excuses...wants to wait for me to move the 2000 miles to where he works now, ironically, I want him to start going to meetings and working the steps before i move).

I guess we are moving in the right direction because after 4years of trying to drink himself to death, he can at least acknowledge a problem at this point.

I started attending alanon and already am feeling a little better.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Luv)))

It can be done.

My H has been sober since d-day on 2007. R was rough, he had several PAs with "drinking buddies" oh it was a whole mess of pain yes it was...

But he has remained sober
We don't EVER go to bars - not even for a pepsi they are 100% off limits
He dropped his enabling friends
We just refocused and learned how to live without alcohol.

For Christmas he got me jewelry made out of a broken vodka bottle and lined in silver. I cried. It was very symbolic - not just of how far we had come, but because I personally struggled with alcohol for many years, and experienced my own self-destruction - vodka was my favorite.

I have learned to forgive myself, and my H. And not freak out every time I see a commercial telling people to get drunk.

My prayers are with you all.

The first step is sobriety.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you HealingTree:

I saw a post about Marriage on the Rocks by Woititiz yesterday, bought it and read it. I had to keep reading ver and over because I felt like someone had been watching my H and I interact over the past 4 years and wrote a book about it. Everything was spot on.

What has been so complicating for me is that he is diagnosed with combat PTSD and some on the symptoms of the two diseases overlap and contribute to one another.

Then the A took over and I flipped out.

Now it has been 5 1/2 mo since DD and I can no longer sit around in a house that is about to foreclose, trying to get work after months of rejections, pawning my jewelry to feed the kids (going to take the big ticket item in today to pay the mortgage today, my engagement ring).

I need to get better.

To think, just a few years ago, I was a newly defended PhD, an elementary school principal, University instructor, on and on. So functional, I actually inspired other people and now I am just a waste of space.

It is time to reclaim me!!!


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO: luvedmypbear
You are not a waste of space!!
We are all created by God to be special in his eyes.
I am finally in this forum b/c today I'm finally admitting not only do I have a WH but that he's an alcoholic as well. I read a scary statistic the other day. Said that about 95% alcoholics will have an A at sometime in their life. Finally starts to all fall into place for me.
Btw- I did go to some Al-anon meetings a few years back but everyone I spoke with kinda pushed for me to leave my H for good. Anyone else have this experience?


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you crushed again:

I realize I need to stop being a nonperson and step it up, I am special and I am no longer waiting for FWH to understand what he needs to do.

Al-Anon meetings have not left me with the urging to leave the relationship, many have cautioned me about the damage my children will endure and now is the time to spare them from it (they are 2 and 1).

FWH had told me he was going to AA but we spoke today briefly and I told him about Al Anon and he said why would you go, noone you know is and alcoholic.

Wow

Back to square one.

At least he found a new IC at his new duty station. Now I hope he continues to go. He did tell me he won't disclose the A to his IC, and I responded, wouldn't it be nice to know why you did it so you don't do it again?
Then he freaked out and told me to stop telling him what to do.

I said good afternoon and hung up the phone.

Now, he won't answer. I won't call back.
and he wonders why I don't want to move back in with him.
Aaahhhh, the drama.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recovering alcoholic here.
I've been sober 9 yrs, and I can tell you, just NOT drinking doesn't make you sober. It makes you a dry drunk. All the problems are still there, just no alcohol.
This is just my opinion, because it has worked for me, and I've seen a lot of others.
Getting involved in AA is crucial. Involved means lots of meetings, commitments at meetings (making coffee, leading, treasurer etc.)
A GOOD sponsor that has serious sobriety. They will guide you through this journey. Working all 12 steps, this is key.
I was away from my meetings for a few years, and that's when I had my A's. I was still not drinking, but I wasn't sober, I wasn't working my program.
I'm back now, and the help and support I get there helps me grow into a better person


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have a simple question


would the A have happened if he weren't an alcoholic.


i know there isn't one answer. just looking for experienced opinions


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be interested too in the answer that hexed is posting:

would the A have happened if he weren't an alcoholic.

I read a scary statistic the other day. Said that about 95% alcoholics will have an A at sometime in their life. Finally starts to all fall into place for me.

Also, crushed's point above really makes me think...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I read Marriage On the Rocks by Woititz it was a real eye opener for me.
I felt like I was reading about my own life. I knew my husband was an alcoholic (maybe he was functional..but, an alcoholic)but, somehow seeing my life in print made me realize how much I had put up with for all those years...and then, when I read what the author wrote... that eventually all alcoholics end up having affairs! It was such an AHA! moment....Of course, why didn't I realize that it would eventually lead to that? Woititz says that either the wife becomes an alcoholic drinking buddy as well.... or...the alcoholic husband ends up having an affair with an alcoholic drinking buddy who does not complain about his drinking...instead she encourages it and is always ready to party!
I wish I had read the book years ago...... but, unfortunately, I didn't find it until after d-day....
Now, as to whether or not he would have had an affair if he were not an alcoholic...well, my husband has been drinking, using drugs etc. since high school so it would be hard to imagine.... and... he has an addictive personality so if it wasn't booze it would be something else...
AA and sobriety has changed his life and mine. He is a changed man. And continuing in AA is helping him to find a conscience and to become a much more spiritual person.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woititz says that either the wife becomes an alcoholic drinking buddy as well.... or...the alcoholic husband ends up having an affair with an alcoholic drinking buddy who does not complain about his drinking...instead she encourages it and is always ready to party!

Exactly. That's my situation.

I cannot drink. One or two drinks and it's counting sheep time for me.

One of my h's complaints about me was that I couldn't drink. His (x)ow is a former alcoholic and druggie (so said her bff's mother). When they hooked up, drinking was a large part of what they did (other than sex). I was told that when he took her to family functions, she could keep up with him. She never put him down. In fact, her and her friends said I was full of crap when I mentioned his symptoms.

He's been on my case lately for not drinking. I finally got him to back of by saying that alcohol has lots of calories and I need to lose weight. He tried to say alcohol doesn't have calories, but I said for pre-diabetics it makes the situation difficult. Weather my comment is true or not, don't know. I just said it to get him off my case. I won't be his drinking buddy.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my X definitely had an A with a drinking buddy. that was obvious then. now with his new found sobriety (after 2nd DUI) he says that he can't even be around her b/c she drinks more than he did. in fact during failed R he told me thats what she was.

i have spent time working on my individual issue. as i've worked through those my focus has shifted to truly understanding the failure of my marriage. i've always blamed his A on the alcoholism. i'm wondering if there's more to it than that.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
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