Keepswimming you wrote: i'm in ic and doing as well as can be expected ... so here's my question to those with more experience on this awful road - would you still recommend alanon for me even if we're divorcing? i'm just so done with him.
I would like to say YES!! Divorcing or not get to alanon meetings!! I left my bf 6 months ago and Alanon has helped sooo much. It's a family disease and affects us. I had no clue till i started going. At least give it a try and go to 6 meetings and decide if it's for you or not.
The 7 relapses since June. An affair with a loser from detox. I've tried to tell myself that it is the disease not her, but the pain is same either way.
I feel that I can't take the disappointment anymore. I know she hasn't chosen the OP over me and the children, but alcohol above all else and he is part of that addiction, but my heart feels the pain just the same.
When did you know?
[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 10:35 PM, December 4th (Friday)]
You may want to check out soberrecovery dot com. Click on the Friends and Family forum. Many others there are in your same boat.
Best of luck with an alcoholic WS - you can't even deal with M problems or infidelity unless they are really sober in AA and working a program and have a same sex sponsor in AA.
He looked in a bottle of booze and didn't find it there.
Now he is looking in the soberity web. It happens a lot. "They" "She" understands me....blah, blah blah.
He is not drinking but that does not make a sober mind or a sober thinking person.
Do not kid yourself into thinking that because he is sober he is now a redemed person and all ready to committ to you.
That is hard fact.
My first bf was an alcoholic but back then I didn't label him as that. Relationship lasted three months. Thank goodness only that long.
When I met my wh, he could put away 27 bottles of beer a night. Not every night. 10 or 12 bottles was the norm. But he was a funny, kind drunk so I guess in my mind, I excused the drink. (Foolish me).
When he began his a, people said it was due to the alcoholism. My now ex-neighbor was in aa and suggested alanon for me. She put me in touch with someone from that group (whom I will call k).
First night I met her, I found out k knew ow's 2nd ex-h.
Then things got crazy. Long story short, k is friends with ow's cousin. Things got real interesting over a year ago and even tho I didn't do anything except speak the truth, as usual, I got called a liar. k mentioned what i told her to ow's cousin. So, I don't feel safe for going.
My h, though he doesn't drink as much as he used to still drinks and cannot go a day without a drink. In fact, lately he's been getting drunk (usually at home) every night.
When I first met him, he had a six pack. He still has a six pack (insert brand name of that nights purchase) but looks six months pregnant, too.
Prior to the a, when his body couldn't take the alcohol, his body got this strange odor about it. I would gently tell him to slow down on the drinking and that his body wasn't processing the alcohol well.
Once he started the a, he confided in ow that I had ridiculed him, called him a drunk and said he stunk. That's not what I did, but I feel like doing it now. Anyway, she, of course dragged him to the dr. who told him all was in order. While he was with her, he didn't get that odor, tho he was drinking the same, if not heavier (cuz she was now his drinking buddy). I know her friend owns a health food store and am wondering if they gave him a quick fix to mask the symptoms I noticed.
Now, since returning from visiting his family he mentions he needs to take care of himself and have himself checked out to see if liver, etc, is in order. Uh, thought he did this the first months he was messing with her?
Anyway, how do I deal with all this?
[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:14 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]
As the queen of denial, it has taken me 3 months to post here, but sober or not, my H is an alcoholic in denial.
His A was with a drinking buddy who always contacted him when she was drunk and thinking of him.
He stopped drinking on his own in May with only 2 drunk events since them (one in sept and one in nov).
he is open to AA meetings but hasn't started going yet (lots of excuses...wants to wait for me to move the 2000 miles to where he works now, ironically, I want him to start going to meetings and working the steps before i move).
I guess we are moving in the right direction because after 4years of trying to drink himself to death, he can at least acknowledge a problem at this point.
I started attending alanon and already am feeling a little better.
It can be done.
My H has been sober since d-day on 2007. R was rough, he had several PAs with "drinking buddies" oh it was a whole mess of pain yes it was...
But he has remained sober
We don't EVER go to bars - not even for a pepsi they are 100% off limits
He dropped his enabling friends
We just refocused and learned how to live without alcohol.
For Christmas he got me jewelry made out of a broken vodka bottle and lined in silver. I cried. It was very symbolic - not just of how far we had come, but because I personally struggled with alcohol for many years, and experienced my own self-destruction - vodka was my favorite.
I have learned to forgive myself, and my H. And not freak out every time I see a commercial telling people to get drunk.
My prayers are with you all.
The first step is sobriety.
I saw a post about Marriage on the Rocks by Woititiz yesterday, bought it and read it. I had to keep reading ver and over because I felt like someone had been watching my H and I interact over the past 4 years and wrote a book about it. Everything was spot on.
What has been so complicating for me is that he is diagnosed with combat PTSD and some on the symptoms of the two diseases overlap and contribute to one another.
Then the A took over and I flipped out.
Now it has been 5 1/2 mo since DD and I can no longer sit around in a house that is about to foreclose, trying to get work after months of rejections, pawning my jewelry to feed the kids (going to take the big ticket item in today to pay the mortgage today, my engagement ring).
I need to get better.
To think, just a few years ago, I was a newly defended PhD, an elementary school principal, University instructor, on and on. So functional, I actually inspired other people and now I am just a waste of space.
It is time to reclaim me!!!
I realize I need to stop being a nonperson and step it up, I am special and I am no longer waiting for FWH to understand what he needs to do.
Al-Anon meetings have not left me with the urging to leave the relationship, many have cautioned me about the damage my children will endure and now is the time to spare them from it (they are 2 and 1).
FWH had told me he was going to AA but we spoke today briefly and I told him about Al Anon and he said why would you go, noone you know is and alcoholic.
Back to square one.
At least he found a new IC at his new duty station. Now I hope he continues to go. He did tell me he won't disclose the A to his IC, and I responded, wouldn't it be nice to know why you did it so you don't do it again?
Then he freaked out and told me to stop telling him what to do.
I said good afternoon and hung up the phone.
Now, he won't answer. I won't call back.
and he wonders why I don't want to move back in with him.
Aaahhhh, the drama.
would the A have happened if he weren't an alcoholic.
i know there isn't one answer. just looking for experienced opinions
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
would the A have happened if he weren't an alcoholic.
I read a scary statistic the other day. Said that about 95% alcoholics will have an A at sometime in their life. Finally starts to all fall into place for me.
Also, crushed's point above really makes me think...
Woititz says that either the wife becomes an alcoholic drinking buddy as well.... or...the alcoholic husband ends up having an affair with an alcoholic drinking buddy who does not complain about his drinking...instead she encourages it and is always ready to party!
Exactly. That's my situation.
I cannot drink. One or two drinks and it's counting sheep time for me.
One of my h's complaints about me was that I couldn't drink. His (x)ow is a former alcoholic and druggie (so said her bff's mother). When they hooked up, drinking was a large part of what they did (other than sex). I was told that when he took her to family functions, she could keep up with him. She never put him down. In fact, her and her friends said I was full of crap when I mentioned his symptoms.
He's been on my case lately for not drinking. I finally got him to back of by saying that alcohol has lots of calories and I need to lose weight. He tried to say alcohol doesn't have calories, but I said for pre-diabetics it makes the situation difficult. Weather my comment is true or not, don't know. I just said it to get him off my case. I won't be his drinking buddy.
i have spent time working on my individual issue. as i've worked through those my focus has shifted to truly understanding the failure of my marriage. i've always blamed his A on the alcoholism. i'm wondering if there's more to it than that.