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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things tend to pop into my head. I mentioned his drinking buddy/ow. Well, ow's father is an ex-statie. I have a supervisor in another office who is an ex-cop. My supervisor told me that an ex-cop by decision or by force (ow's father was booted by the force), a cop is always a cop. They show their badge and it's a get out of jail free type thing. And this privilage could extend to family members. I know when he was with her, he had no fear of driving drunk. Neither did she. He is still in that mentality even tho he had the dui four years ago (ironically enough, he wasn't drunk, but had had three beers while he was very sick; he sat at the bar a few hours after the last beer. He got an .08). Im wondering if she gave him one of those get out of jail free cards. He's not as fearful as he was two years ago.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw- I did go to some Al-anon meetings a few years back but everyone I spoke with kinda pushed for me to leave my H for good. Anyone else have this experience?

This really should not have happened. In Al-anon, you are not supposed to give advice....simply talk about your own problems or help someone apply Al-anon teachings to theirs.

An Al-anon book I have found really helpful is How Al-anon Works For Families and Friends of Alcoholics. Wow! I have learned so much from this book! It helped me to truly grasp that alcoholism is a disease, that I can't control it, that I need to detach, etc.

If you can't find a meeting that you feel comfortable with, I would highly recommend this book.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and in reponse to another question...I don't think WH would have had an affair if he was not an alcoholic.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had the opposite experience with alanon. the group there was pretty much committed to sticking it out no matter what. i felt out of place.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had the opposite experience with alanon. the group there was pretty much committed to sticking it out no matter what.

hexed - I feel this way about a lot of the Al-anon literature. They NEVER recommend for you to leave. It's bullshit. I simply choose to ignore those parts. Remember...it's "Take what you like and leave the rest." I think there is so much other helpful information in the literature that can be useful.

Do you suppose the advice leans that way because Bill W. (the founder) was such a huge cheater? What a hypocrite he was! I read that when he died, he even left a part of his estate to his LTAP. Crazy!


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

illinois girl--

i've wondered the same thing! i've definitely found a lot of help from the website and the litereature. what i really need is a support group for those that are divorcing a recovering alcoholic


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, January 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could find a book specifically about alcoholism and affairs.

All of the affair books I've read sort of just say "seek help if using drugs or alcohol" or seem to gloss over the problem.

And all of the AA books just seem to lump all the alcoholics problems together...gambling, verbal abuse, physical abuse, infidelity...all grouped together as the same sort of damage.

Has anyone found any info specifically about A and alcoholism? (I mean besides SI)


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much is too much when your spouse is drinking?

I woke up this morning to find 3 bottles of wine and several bottles of beer. My FWH is 6'1" and doesn't think he is an alcoholic. He usually starts with beer in the early morning and then by noon moves on to wine.

I've been to ala-non and AA open meetings for about a year several years ago.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heart in a blend...There is a difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence (alcoholism). Here's a link that describes the difference. You'll have to use your own judgement.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/effect/a/aa000510a.htm

IMHO, "beer in the early morning and then by noon moves on to wine" is a pretty big red flag.

How is it affecting your relationship? Why were you going to Al-anon before? Was it for this same person?


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was told by a wise person that if his drinking was affecting our relationship even if it was just my opinion and he couldn't stop then its a problem.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
Melissa21
♀ Member
Member # 23555
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and has heard the same thing hexed said.

If his or her drinking is causing you a problem then it's a problem and Alanon can help you. There are numerous meetings scheduled online for those of you who didn't like the face to face ones.

I've also heard that if they don't think it's a problem then it's "not" for them it's your problem .. not sure i worded it exactly right. If they thought it was a problem then they will be at fault and most alcoholics don't like the be at fault so they blame everything on everyone but their drinking and their selves.

And alanon is take what you like and leave the rest so if you feel they are continually saying leave or stay then just block that out because the tools alanon uses are WONDERFUL!!


DDay March 22, 2009.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. I've read thru this thread a bit, and gone online, and I have had a couple alcoholics in my family, but did not have to live with them. I am now dealing with an alcoholic SO.

Where can I find more information on this, than just the AA website?

There are a few behaviors that puzzle me, and I am trying to figure things out.

Thanks!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:00 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try SoberRecoverydotCom.

My WS is an alcoholic. It is a terrible disease that affect all around it. My WS has a very significant problem. I tried to help, got her into detox where she found someone with whom she has a special bond and ended up in an affair. They drank vodka and hid it in water bottles-special bond? Supposedly, he understood and supported her more than i did. The ended up relapsing in hotels for multiple days a total of 3 times in 3 months together. He is one hell of a support network to her path to sobriety. She refuses to have NC with him as he is a good person and true friend. She somehow forgot that good people don't cheat on their wives with another man's wife. Minor oversight there.

I wish you luck in dealing with your SO. Hopefully, he can make the right choices. Beware: alcoholism and infidelity are both addictive behaviors and they will lie, deceive, and manipulate to do what they think is best for them from my experience.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 11:26 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, January 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks betrayed. I am thinking he also has some "mommy" issues....

There was abuse in his family for sure, but he is running, running, and apparently has a "death wish."

He also leaves me alone every Sat nite, as that is apparently his nite to get totally soused, watch the games with the guys, and he doesn't want me around when he does it, because he monitors his behavior when I am round and apparently (this is my thought, not his word) needs to totally cut loose and Sat nite has always been his nite to do that. Then he has to go back home to mommy so he can get her to work in the morning. He spent one Sat nite with me, and he was so uncomfortable being away from her.......ick...... and he did get falling down drunk, as he told me his guilt at being away from her was bad, and I told him I didn't like when he got that drunk, so I don't think he will do that around me again, but I will not sit home alone on Sat nites while he goes out drinking......


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain - just remember with alcoholism and infidelity: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. It's their problems and their choices that bring misery to their lives and those around them. They ar the only ones who can change their destructive behaviours.

If a marriage or relationship is bad, either put forth the effort to fix it or end it. A good person doesn't jump into another relationship while still in the first.

It does sound like there are many issues your SO has to deal with. My WS had a rough childhood with alcoholic parents, probably some self esteem problems despite being very successful, and is a child of a divorce due to her father's infidelity. She didn't go out to drink, but drank at home and alone, hiding it very well. She was functional for quite some time before her life became unmanageable and she couldn't cover the extent of her problem anymore.

Have you thought of Al-Anon? It is not for everyone, but many people find it helps them heal from the hurt caused by alcoholism of someone they love.

Take care of yourself.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where can I find more information on this, than just the AA website?

Try the library. There are lots of books about alcoholism/AA as well as Al-anon. The book I have found most helpful is called "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics."

(((NaiveAgain)))

[This message edited by Illinoisgirl at 8:28 AM, January 17th (Sunday)]


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another helpful web site is:

gettingthemsober dot com

On the left side bar, click on discussion board for the forum also you can read book chapters from her series of books - also recovery tip of the month - helped me grasp this horrid disease - best wishes xo


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, January 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the info and the sites, did check into them and have found some info on what to expect.

He is a bit in denial, because he has told me his dad was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis, and I asked him "aren't you scared?" and he said no, I only drink beer, and I told him that is alcohol just the same, and he said well, he uses ice and waters it down, and I said it doesn't matter, you are still getting the same amount of alcohol.

When he was telling me these things, it was more like he was trying to convince himself, as he didn't seem to really believe his excuses.

And one day, I told him he was going thru withdrawal, as he was way out of sorts, and he acted like I slapped him in the face, said "that's not nice", but then came back in and joked about "withdrawal" for the rest of the day.....

I think he does know, but doesn't want to deal with it at this point. He keeps saying he needs help to get control of his life, but then he also says he doesn't care, and doesn't expect to live much more than another 6 to 7 years, as he knows he is abusing his body.

I don't know how to take all that. I don't know if he is trying to reach out a bit, or if he just can't deal with it.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Illinoisgirl
♀ Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he was telling me these things, it was more like he was trying to convince himself, as he didn't seem to really believe his excuses.

You are probably right about this. The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem. This is also the hardest part.


I don't know how to take all that. I don't know if he is trying to reach out a bit, or if he just can't deal with it.

Probably both. Can you get some AA literature? They have free pamphlets at locations of most AA meetings. You could bring some home and let him know they are there. No begging, no demanding. Just let him know. It will be up to him to look at them, but he will know you are supportive.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


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