It's titled "I'm freaking out!"
Please read it. Can't type it again, kids are waking up.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
Take care of yourself first. Put your needs and yourself above those of an unremorseful alcoholic. If he was truly sober and in active recovery he would be trying to make amends to you, the person he has hurt the most, rather than what he is doing. You know your situation and what you can tolerate better than anyone. You will know when enough is enough.
I am truly sorry for you. It doe sound like he is not in true recovery as that is where he would strive to change behaviors that put him at risk for both alcohol and infidelity.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thought R was going as well as could be expected - we'd had 7 months of MC, IC for myself and some IC for FWH.
Several weeks before the 1st antiversary of DDay I asked FWH to plan an evening for us and he agreed.
When I got home from work on antiversary date (Tuesday) FWH was no where to be found. Turns out he was at the bar.
Long story short - he came home at 11:30pm absolutely loaded and proceeded to smash things - our china cabinet with all my treasures, plants, a chair and he tore the bannister off our stairs. I called a neighbour when he started and she eventually called the police. FWH spent the rst of the night (and until noon the next day) in jail.
NEVER in our 15 years together has he done this. For the last 18 months I've watched him drink more and more (the 8 pack of beer would be gone in an evening) and probably once a month or every 6-8 weeks he would go out with the sole purpose of drinking as much as he could and getting as drunk as he could. I realize he is an alcoholic and I believe he now realizes he has an addiction.
I have given him 2 requirements for me to stay - he start treatment for his alcoholism and resume counselling.
We have spoken little since Tuesday night, I am trying to do the 180.
I am almost positive he went to his first AA meeting last night. I have searched out the Al Anon groups in our area and wll start going next week (I leave tomorrow for 4 days out of town for work)
I have no experience with this and would be greatful for any advice on how to behave/act with him. Do I ask if he's going to meetings or is that breaking the 180? I just don't know what to do.
They're usually court slips or treatment slips, but I've known several people who turn in slips that have been printed out at home, as proof to their spouse that they were there... as well as sponsors who require it of their sponsees (aka he has no wiggle room.... EVERY meeting they do this)
If it's a condition in you R... it might be something to consider. Several people I know magnet them to their fridge, so their spouse isn't tasked with "monitoring" or put in the position of having to "ask". Instead, by posting it... it's their own responsibility.
ETA... we on the otherhand have the opposite problem. WH has to struggle to keep from letting AA overwhelm his life. He was in 8 years prior (aka before marriage & kids) and so his knee jerk response is to go back the way he was before. Sorry, charlie. You're BACK, not NEW.
[This message edited by CheshCat at 8:46 PM, April 16th (Friday)]
Be sure that you support him in his efforts to be sober, but do not support him in any other ways. He needs this to be hard for him. It is tough love, but it has to happen.
Talk to him, there is no need to be unkind, but you need to separate your life from his right now because right now he needs to not onoy get sober, he needs to learn how to stay sober, think sober and have a clear pattern of being sober. That takes time.
I didn't wait for my husband to go through that process. I continued my life as if it was going to be without him. I told him if he catches up to me fine. If he doesn't fine, but I wasn't waiting around for him or putting my life on hold for him. He had given me no reason to do that. None. And stopping drinking is only one step.
There are 12 steps for a reason. My husband wanted me to give him validation for his Not drinking step like he had fulfilled all 12. It didn't happen and it could not happen.
Educate yourself about alcoholics and their thinking patterns. Most have developed a long history of lying, covering up, messing up. It takes time to change those patterns.
The 180 is for you. To regain your strength, self worth, knowledge that you can survivie with or without this man. It is to regain the control and power over your own life.
Well...sorry that was so long. Hit a button with me I guess. Been there, done that and it wasn't easy.
We are reconciled, but it was a long hard road. My husband had to run hard and work hard at his soberity and his life to catch up to me, but he did. It can happen, but don't settle, stick to your guns Get the live and kind of love you deserve.
Blessings are yours, joys are yours and there is live beyong living with an alcoholic.
I have found a list of Al Anon meetings in our area and will start attending.
Long, hard road? Somehow I knew that would be the case!! I guess it's a double whammy - addiction AND infidelity.
Thank god I found SI.
my WS (w/possible OC already born, no paternity test yet), is not an all the time drinker. He's a binge drinker. He is very pleasant when he's drinking, and it's always a shock when you realize he's totalled. i'm one of many who've described it the same way. all of a sudden, you'll know he's hammered because he wants to do too much, go too far, never let the party end... he'll suggest outrageous things and you'll think he's kidding, then find yourself arguing him out of it. his binges got really bad during the A and ensuing pregnancy. i was 8 months pregnant with our first and only when the OC was conceived.
i have a hard time labeling him an 'alcoholic' because he goes for long stretches without drinking, though shorter since the A and OC situation. he doesn't always binge. he can usually stop after a couple. i believe he could become an alcoholic easily, but if he would just quit altogether for a while, until some things blow over, everyone would be more comfortable. right now it's like he's got to have a couple every now and then.
i'm sure he's drinking more than i think, but i'd smell it on him, i'm so sensitive to it, so it can't be too much more. the interlock on his car (dui) keeps him from drinking also. but i have no idea what he's doing when he's not around me, doesn't need to drive for a while, etc. (we are separated). he seems clean, he's been on his best behavior.
my IC and WS docs are all over his drinking. i would say he has a problem with alcohol, but is not an alcholic...yet. my IC is annoyed that i make a distinction.
background: my dad was a mildly abusive, well-disciplined, overacheiving, moral juggernaut of a man. i have several siblings who are or have been slurring, falling down, high functioning alcoholics for years (how do they do that?). i never considered my father an alcholic. he gave it up periodically, to lose some weight, or for lent. never seemed drunk, i couldn't tell the difference. but i'm being forced to look at all this a little differently right now.
i'm so confused. i am so incredibly resistant to labeling my WS an alcoholic. i can't quite figure out why. not sure if i need to.
i've always said it was probably the only dealbreaker for me because of the experiences i've had with my siblings. and maybe i just don't want to face a life without him or of recovery/sobriety myself. i really enjoy a moderate amount of alcohol. i love a margarita with my mexican food, a glass of wine on the porch, etc. but i'm part of a different "wing" of my family that get sick if we drink too much (more than 3-4?) and just pass out. i'm so grateful for that, really. i go months without drinking, without a thought.
am i blinded? i hate the thought of accepting other's opinions about my WS over my gut. i'm so confused that my "gut" might be tainted by my upbringing and closeness. how could it be so very unreliable? it usually works so well, except with WS. how big a deal do i need to make out of his drinking? i feel like a hawk and a nag if i chirp him about it. i'm not one to babysit and control grownups.
I don't know what I'm asking. I guess it's, "do i belong here?"
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
My FWH was never a big drinker, but after DDay (and for probably 6-12 months before DDay) it picked up.
Binging was his thing. Not every night, not every week, not even every month. But it became as big as the A.
He is 4 days into a 28 day residential treatrment program, sober for 10 days now. I haven't seen him in a week but will visit him on Sunday.
I attended my 1st Al Anon meeting last night and I'll keep going back. Al Anon is for ME - not to learn ways to keep him from drinking - but to learn how to control my own behavior etc.
If alcohol is affecting YOUR life - it might be a good place to start.
He is in a program to help him and it is up to him to make the best of it. He has to want to get better more than anything.
Take care of yourself. You can only control what you will do. Watch for his actions and deeds to tell you if he wants to work on your marriage, his words mean little at this point.
Again, take care.
so sorry to hear about your situation. I haven't been checking on here that often.
I have private messaged you.
In my case... I knew he was an alcoholic and had a 'problem' with alcohol.... he also started out as a binge drinker....but, it wasn't until aftre d-day when he described his thinking during the affair... his alcoholic haze..etc...only then did I realize that he was REALLY an alcoholic for all those years! an eyeopener....
He had always maintained his professional job, did things with the kids (to an extent) etc....but , now, looking back..I realize how much his drinking negatively impacted our marriage and family life.
The main reason that I realize this is because I see what a difference his sobriety has made to him, me ,our marriage, our family.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother... so, I guess, I minimized how bad my husband was....
Thank God ...I am where I am today. My husband has been sober for over 3 years now. He has been completely NC with the MOW for over 3 yrs. He has been attending AA regularly for over 3 yrs. He has great sponsors and male friends from AA that support his sobriety.
He has completely changed his life....and yes, that means changes for me also...
we don't hang around with his former drinking buddies any longer...
and they all began when he admitted that he was an alcoholic and when I realized that too.
This is FWH's 9 th day in the treatment facility. He's got someone cooking for him, cleaning for im and tonight is.......wait for it..... bowling night for them all.
I work all day, come home to 3 dogs, a house that needs cleaning, no energy because I have a lung infection, open a can of cicken soup for dinner, take the compost bin out to the road, throw in some laundry, do my work paperwork, try to light a fire with no ^%$&ing kindling, try to chop some - ha ha - good luck with that one Megpie, give up on the fire and put a sweater on, have a little pity party, then come to SI cause I know someone wll 2x4 me - which is probably what I need.
No Al Anon meeting in my area tonight - I'll be parked outside the church basement door an hour before it's due to start tomorrow night!!
Tomorrow's another day.......
I don't have a hard time believing he could suffer from this - sexual abuse as a child, involved in a fatal car accident (not his fault) and he is a firefighter/paramedic so there are lots of work related things he's seen/been exposed to.
I'm feeling more overwhelmed than ever. We were 1 year out from DDay when he went into treatment, now there is the alcoholism to deal with (I attended my 3rd Al Anon meeting tonight and start the family groups sessions at his treatment centre next Tuesday), and tonight the PTSD diagnosis.
I love FWH and I still want our marriage to work - as does he. I just feel like we (I) keep getting it with more and more.
Has anyone else's spouse been diagnosed with PTSD?