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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad truth is nothing can approve in your relationship until they get a handle on "their" addiction.

Remember, alcoholics lie..thats what they do!

Try Ala-non and take care of yourselves and your children. You have a right to say you have had enough if they don't change their behavoir!


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
lovtolaff
♀ New Member
Member # 8975
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I guess that is where I am right now - I don't have the feeling of "I've had enough - I want out". And actually - we don't really have THAT many issues - probably no more than some other couples.

I'm an analyzer - a worry wart - if you will. So I'm always thinking/planning/what if'ing.

I like knowing that I'm not alone and that maybe..just maybe there are a few success stories out there.


The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Virginia
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear , I am not sure which thread is more for *me* ...this one or the NPD thread .....not a pretty combo in a H.

one thing I do know ....his A's seem inconsequential to me ( a lot of the time) in comparison to dealing with his alcoholisim and personality disorder (s) ......

what a nightmare !


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
32years2day
♀ Member
Member # 14016
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scorned-reading your posts I'm convinced you're leading my life,just on another continent.

Alcoholism and NPD -glad I gave him to her cos she'll be in for some fun!


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: scotland
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 24th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((((32years))))))))))))))))

how in the hell did you last as long as you did ??


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
32years2day
♀ Member
Member # 14016
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, June 24th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Scorned)))


We had 10 years sobriety 1991-2001 so think that dragged things out.His inability to deal with his affair then caused him to lift that first drink and we all know what that leads to.

Thanks to this site I slowly dealt with that blow and was prepared to give him another chance.So much for that!

I used to blame everything he did wrong on the booze because I'd never heard of NPD and am only learning now the booze mixed up with all the other messes is something to heavy for me to want to deal with.

I'm also really lucky that survival tactics learnt over the years and most of all the love for my four children,kept me working and able to pay my own way and that my home is in my name only and it breaks my heart to read posts from woman with children that are stuck with the devil they live with because of property difficulties etc.

I can so relate to your feelings about the infidelities compared to the other issues.

Keep strong.


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: scotland
hadnoclue
♀ Member
Member # 15053
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxh is an alcoholic. He was in recovery, again, when he started A, and after, gave up recovery for drinking binges with ow. His AA meetings were his excuse for getting out of the house 2 or 3 times a week, then after, he would stay to talk to his sponsor until all hours of the night...yeah right!
After all that he put me through, all I want is a sincere apology for hurting me so bad,but my IC says that until he is sober for a while, I will not get that. That is one of the 12 steps isn't it? to fess up to the people you have hurt? Well, may God help him with his disease because I will not be there any more to rescue him. I don't know how long we'll all have to wait for that apology, but i'm sure it's comming for all of us


A woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37
Married 13yrs/together 18
Kids D-7 S-2
D-Day 5/15/07
In R


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: CA
lct59
♀ Member
Member # 12029
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the R forum but thought perhaps I could get some input from any recovering alcoholics here, not sure how many in recovery come to this thread.

so it has been a while since i have posted... R is going very well I must say. For the last month I have been fighting (sucessfully i might add) the horrible urge to again contact the FOW. Really not sure what I hope to accomplish when my mind starts thinking of contacting her. Maybe to show that we did survive, maybe I just want to say the things that hang heavy in my heart (hateful things) to her. But so far I have upheld the concept that NC means NC by either of us.
So, that brings me to the newest dilemma... FWH and FOW both attend AA (where the met of course) in the last year since NC began he has seen her at 5 meetings. Each time he has come home and has told me abut her being there (he changed his meeting schedule so there would not be much contact at meetings). she has popped up at one of his new regular meetings 2 times in the last 6 weeks. Both time I feel like it was intentional on her part. Almost perhaps "fishing". But this past sunday as FWH was telling me what happened I realized it wasnt really fishing but seemed more like she was trying to "get under his skin" annoy him. When he was speaking at the meeting she and her girlfriend were whispering and giggling (very disrespectful) FWH stopped talking and said something about if people didnt want to listen he would rather they wait outside and continued to speak. The giggling continued, the meeting chair finally stopped the meeting and asked if they wanted to listen or leave. They left.

I am so greatful that FWh did come home and told me about this. Even when I know he wasnt thrilled that this lead to another A talk. What I dont get is what the hell she is up to. Honestly I dont trust her at all. I know my FWH had as much to do with the A as she did but I also know she preyed on him when he was so early into his soberity. (they met in his first month sober, she has over 10 years).

In our talks over the last year I have confirmed what I thought all along. She knew exactly what she was doing and orchastrated sistuations to fill her needs.
Right now I would like nothing more than to go to her house and slap the dogshit out of her. But on the other hand I dont want her to have the satisfaction of knowing that she has done anything to bother either of us.

So any advise on how to handle what could be a fishing expedition or just an attempt to annoy us again. Lets be honest, she didnt just show up at that meeting for spiritual fulfillment. Her regular meeting is Sunday am not Sunday pm.



Me -BS, 44
Him - WH, 47
D-Day 11/30/05
NC 6/15/06
2nd D-day 1/11/08 friend of first OW
He left 7/17/08
Its over
1/10/09 He wants to try again, have no clue if it will work out...

**Nobody said life was going to be fair.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Illinois
hadnoclue
♀ Member
Member # 15053
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a bitch! Kudos to your H for telling you about it and for continuing on his recovery. Maybe the leader can do something if this continues, if not, then your H may have to change to a new location. I know it's hard because you get used to the same people, but if your H starts to feel like he can't or does not want to go to meetings, he could re-lapse, and that would be worse.


A woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37
Married 13yrs/together 18
Kids D-7 S-2
D-Day 5/15/07
In R


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: CA
inch
♂ Member
Member # 4813
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWW is a recovering alcoholic. She was sober when I met her, 10 years in she started drinking. 8 rehabs and 5 years later she got sober.

Unfortunately alcoholism is just a symptom of an underlying issue. In my WW case, it's NPD. So simply removing the alcohol just shifted the mess from one thing to another.

3rd A came with a dirtbag in AA. AA is a friggin cesspool. Yeah I know it helps some, but it's a breeding ground for EA's and PA's.

This last A she was with a practicing drunk, pretty sure she prolly started drinking with him as well.

[This message edited by inch at 7:20 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 125 | Registered: Jun 2004
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow my ws had the affair during his recovery. He just told me 2 weeks ago. When he found out OW was pregnant.I have so many issu es with the situation do not know where to begin he was a part of doc while he was in a residential rehab.So was other woman. Rehab sent him back to jail because i didn't want him home becuz of his betrayal. Needed time to get my self together now OW wants to abort but I believe she is just being manipulative she knows he will do the right thing and take care of child.I think she just wants him. He wants to reconcile with us.Seems remorseful and afraid of what I will put him through once he gets home. He is trying to tell me he doesn't know why he did it claims it was a mistake.we have a son and a older daughter from a previous relationship.I informed the children becuz the are very astute children who can figure things out easily. Especially if mom isn't talking to dad becuz we do have a great relationship. He says he wasn't thinking when he did it .Says he is very sorry for bringing this trouble into our home.THe only saving grace is during this time he didn't relapse.He was afraid he would becuz he didn't know how to tell me this. Becuz he had messed up our very beautiful relationship for nothing.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AA is a friggin cesspool. Yeah I know it helps some, but it's a breeding ground for EA's and PA's.

I'm gonna agree with you there.....

AA works for those who are COMITTED (sp) to "working the program......

AA alone is not gonna work (IMHO) for those with much deeper underlying psych problems ....for them , removing the drink is not enough......

my H went to just a few AA meetings ..... I just KNEW he would use this as a "pick up place" to get more N supply .....

sure enough , at his FIRST meeting , he comes home with a bunch of names and phone #'s .....ALL WOMEN !!

he told me that one of them offered to be his sponser ....
I told him that this was NOT ALLOWED at AA .....
that is 13th stepping as they call it at AA .....

wonder WHY they at AA have a name for it ?? because it's a COMMON KNOWN problem.


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
inch
♂ Member
Member # 4813
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scorned, I had the same type of experience.

My NPD WW, finally found what she needed to remain sober in AA. Unfortunately that came with a price. For her, AA was simply an unending supply of compassion, trust, caring, forgiveness and attention. For her, this was like candyland. No guilt for actions etc, just unquestionable forgivness for actions, past or present.

Being rather attractive, she went to meetings for the sole purpose of feeding her ego with no remorse from the men in the program. All were positive and flattering. In her mind it was because she was "it" and was in demand. In their minds, they just wanted to get in her pants.

Only took about 3 months. If you hang around a barbershop long enough, sooner or later you're gonna get your hair cut.

Friggin cesspool.


Posts: 125 | Registered: Jun 2004
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was my experience with AA and rehab too. My XWW simply found kindred souls to hang out with, who would listen to her blame her problems on me or others.

I'm sure there are good AA programs out there.....it depends on the group. But my experience was that it was the inmates running the asylum.(Hell, rehabs are run by recovering addicts too.) The fact that everything is anonymous, means affairs could be kept a secret. (What a perfect place to find another drunk that would enable your addiction.)

Hell, a heard the founder of AA "Bill" was a big Philanderer.

My advice.....run away from the addict unless they truly working a program!


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of you are so correct. All they do is stroke each others ego. They may work the program put down one addiction and pick up another. I am so glad know my F is paying the ultimate price for his A. Not only did he mess up his fantastic family life,he loss his job and his freedom literally. Everyone has to pay for their mistakes one way or another. I didn't have to make any demands, I let go and let god he will continue to take care of everything for me. I've decided to let him handle all my business. It may not be when I want it done but he is always on time

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure there are good AA programs out there.....it depends on the group. But my experience was that it was the inmates running the asylum.(Hell, rehabs are run by recovering addicts too.) The fact that everything is anonymous, means affairs could be kept a secret. (What a perfect place to find another drunk that would enable your addiction.)

Hell, a heard the founder of AA "Bill" was a big Philanderer.

ya know that one step where they have to apologize to the people they hurt ...where they have to confess to that person ??? ....UNLESS (so they say) to tell that person would cause them harm ....or some bullshit like that ....it's just a tidy little "out" to NOT have to tell your spouse shit about cheating on him/her. IMHO

and yeah ...Bill was a BIG philanderer ......fucking hypocrite if you ask me. ...

On the sober recover website there was one thread where they (alcoholics in recovery) were talking about 13th stepping and why it's an awful idea ....they put it something like this: " you have a big bag of nuts , you stick your hand in and what do pull out ? NUTS!"


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12165 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
NCguy2
♂ Member
Member # 8002
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How we get addicted"

Time magazine article...worth a read!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-1,00.html


His name is Robert Paulsen

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: NC
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm sorry that so many of you have had negative experiences with AA. Ours has been nothing short of miraculous, so I hope that anyone considering it won't be completely turned off to it.

I honestly don't believe the program is flawed, it's the people in it. And if the person isn't willing to actually do the steps as they are intended, the changes won't happen.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, July 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ya know that one step where they have to apologize to the people they hurt ...where they have to confess to that person ??? ....UNLESS (so they say) to tell that person would cause them harm ....or some bullshit like that ....it's just a tidy little "out" to NOT have to tell your spouse shit about cheating on him/her.

I have to address this point as it has really been bothering me. It's the 9th step, and it says, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".

If you have been led to believe that it means not telling about an affair, or not directly apologizing to those still in your life that you have harmed, you have been seriously misled. This step is about making amends ESPECIALLY to those still in your life that you have harmed or hurt. The people you are NOT supposed to make amends to are those that have moved on in their lives, and having contact from the alcholic would cause more damage, not repair what was already done. There are people in my H's long ago past that have moved on with their lives and would not benefit from contact with him and could possibly be hurt more.

AA is not a cesspool. For those that are serious about their sobriety it is a lifeline.


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RIZZO
You are correct NA and AA aren't cesspools. It is the men and women who use them as cesspools in other words they sh*t where they eat. They are lifelines to those who are serious about their sobriety. My fiancee had even started supporting his sobriety he even started to chair some of the meetings. I am just saying some people use it for other gratifications not for what it is intended for.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
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