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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MixedUpMess,

The brain scans in the articles back up what my stbxWW's therapist told her. It take 18 months to 3 years for the brain the heal after stopping drinking.

StbxWW is as your WS not the person I married. From loving and caring to selfish and self-centered. She earned her PhD while we were married and had a job as a college prof to unemployed and not looking for a job. She's counting on the settlement to carry her through and make a lovenest for her and the POS.

Thanks for posting the articles. It does reinforce what those of us who are dealing with infidelity and alcoholism should know, but sometimes don't want to admit to ourselves. How damaged our alcoholic is.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I've seen those scans and have also read about the 3 year mark for every bit of alcohol to get out of their system (stays in the spinal cord from what I've read).

Sometimes, I wonder what things would be like right now if xwh didn't have this horrible disease...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband got sober right after d-day and has stayed sober for over 3 yrs now....and I have to say that he is a changed man...
It makes me sad at times..melancholy actually because I realize now what a toll his addictions took on our marriage. I think about how different our lives together could have been...but, I guess I need to stay focused on what I do have..now.. a truly remorseful FWH who is sober for over 3 and 1/2 yrs....
so...it is definitely what you should be fighting for...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do wonder what the stbxWW will be like if in 3 years she can stay dry. I don't think of her as sober as that requires a change in behavior. I don't see that.

I wonder what the enabling POS will look like to her at that point. Will he be a reminder of how alcohol destroyed her life or will she be clinging onto to him as all she has left since she ruined her career and gave up any chance of working on her marriage and being a family. Maybe she'll live her life in denial never able to accept what it has done to her and her family. How sad.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayed...
it is sad... that some people can destroy their lives and their children's lives and never really 'get it'....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS and I went to his first AA meeting yesterday. I never thought I'd see the day he would want to do that. The meeting was really moving. People were VERY nice to us. He's going again, which is another shock to me.

I've joined an online Al-anon group, as well as a SA anon group. I have a lot of work to do on me.

I've started my list of boundaries, but am still researching what all they might be. I don't know if it is that I am not very creative, to think them up, or that I don't think enough of myself to actually DO them. I know I was surprised when our MC suggested that he thought my WS should write a confession letter. I know I would never have asked that on my own. (I have been asking for the truth, for 8 months)

Any advice on boundaries?

Thanks,

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion...all the rules change after infidelity...
I kicked my husband out after dday and we were seperated for 6 months before reconciling.
My husband went NC with the MOW immediately..he did that on his own...but,that would be my first demand. My H also got sober right after d-day..he did the 90 meetings in 90 days and has continued going to AA meetings ever since (3 and 1/2 yrs.)That is something he has promised me ..that he will continue going to AA forever...
other boundaries...complete transparency in terms of cell phone records, credit card bills,passwords, etc.
Because he's sober my husband has completely changed all of his friends...no more hanging with old drinking buddies...
he also left his job just before d-day so, I didn't have to ask him to do that (since MOW was a co-worker). That would have been one of my demands...bad economy or not I would have been insane if he continued with the MOW.
No faceboook, no classmates.com... he has had enough 'networking' for a lifetime! No porn....
My husband di give me a timeline of the LTA...what, when, where...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,

Boundaries are to protect you. That is what they should be about, not worrying that the other person may get offended. These are the things that must occur for you to protect yourself from further pain.

For me it was active recovery, NC, and remorse. I got none of those, only half-hearted attempts at best for the recovery. For remorse I got "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" once. Sorry doesn't cut it when you've done something intentionally. NC... no way was she going to give up her "friend".

Do set boundaries and consequences. But, don't set a consequence unless you are going to enforce it.

I hope for you the best. That your WS will work hard at active recovery. It is his problem and his to solve. You can support, but not make it happen for him. Same with the infidelity. You didn't cause it. Marriage may not have been what it should have, but it is his choice to go outside of the marriage.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 11:47 AM, September 25th (Saturday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
MixedUpMess
♀ Member
Member # 15256
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,
I agree that boundaries a"re the things that must occur for you to protect yourself from further pain" and what it will take for him to earn your trust again and feel safe.

Awesome on the AA! I don't know if that will ever happen for my WH. He went a few times (court ordered)and thought it was a crock. But he was just doing it cause he had to, not because he wanted to and wanted to quit drinking.

How did you like the Al-Alon meeting? I have not had the courage to go to a meeting yet.


D-Day: 5-28-2007
Married: 26 years
Me (BS): 48 (Cancer survivor!)
Him (WS)(Alcoholic): 48
DD: 17
False R for 1.5 yrs+
He moved out 5/10. In limbo.

I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.


Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: MD
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses. I am getting some of what you write about, the NC, the transparency with phones and computers...but not active recovery at this point. He went to two meetings and that's it. And of course, I'm still waiting on the confession. Remorse, eh, sometimes yes, but more times it's all about him...how much it "hurts" to think about it, how he needs to get on with his life and move forward. Uh, it hurts me, too, and I definitely want it over with so I can move forward too. How's about you let me DO that by telling me what it is I am trying to get over?

I did go to my first face-to-face Al-Anon meeting yesterday. Folks were very nice. I was able to see myself thinking I didn't need to be there, while seeing that of course, I can totally relate to these people. My counselor says that that is great self-awareness and seemed pleased. So even though I wish I didn't need to go back, I know I do and I will.

Thanks again for responding.

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and MixedUp, I felt better going to the face-to-face one since I had gone to the AA meeting, and I had gone to an online AlAnon meeting. I knew what to expect. The leader let me know that I could "share", and I really didn't know What they share. When it came time for the group to share, they were mostly talking about the meeting's discussion topic. When asked, I said I didn't have anything yet on that topic and didn't know what they usually share. That I was glad to be there and to learn. That's all I said and of course, they were fine with it. I also could have just said, no, or "pass. They did some reading aloud of the tenets, by passing a sheet of paper around. I was told I didn't have to do that either, but I found the nerve! Yeah me! I am guessing that LOTS of people feel uncomfortable and are on the verge of tears when they show up. So that is the norm! Not to worry. People will be amazingly kind and offer help and, best of all, Know How You Feel.

There, did I encourage you too much? Hope not!!!

Best of luck to you all.

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
MixedUpMess
♀ Member
Member # 15256
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,
Thanks for the details! My problem is I'm scared and nervous to go. I'm also a twin and we did everything together. I hate doing things by myself! I would feel better if I could call the organizer of the meeting so I have step in the door. I have been too chicken to do that, too!

I have found 2 meetings in my area on Sundays. There is another on Monday night but that is not an option due to another commitment.

But your details are really helpful. It helps to know what goes on...

Thank You!!


D-Day: 5-28-2007
Married: 26 years
Me (BS): 48 (Cancer survivor!)
Him (WS)(Alcoholic): 48
DD: 17
False R for 1.5 yrs+
He moved out 5/10. In limbo.

I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.


Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: MD
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has had addiction problems for along, long time. He had a period in his 20's where he was addicted to street drugs, then, after we'd been married a while, during his thirties, he was addicted to pot (prior to that he had been fine for years). Just before the pot problem, he was addicted to running and exercise, as well as the protein drinks that come with it.

Recently, he has becoem an alcoholic. It began when we moved in to his parents' house to long term house sit while they are overseas for 4 years. His dad has always been a drinker, though not on a dangerous level (I believe). He left behind a HUGE (about $5000 worth) stash of hard liquors, from Patron tequila to every type of gin ever distilled. We also moved in with a full wine fridge. Needless to say, only 8 months later and the wine has been gone for months, the liquor stash is severely depleted,and WH brings home a 6 pack (if not a 12 pack) of beer almost nightly. He can go a few nights without, but rapidly dives right back in after a hard day at work.

As a sober man, he can be wonderful, but can also be ver, very moody. He is on SNRI's for depression, and takes them regularly--though I am sure they are unable to have any effect.

As a drunk, he can be a mixed bag. He is wonderful with the kids as a drunk, but can be both wodnerful and incredibly mean to me, depending on the situation.

He was drunk the afternoon (Two days ago) that he told me about his "date" (DD #4 over a ten year period). He was very defensive and went so far a sto blame me for his date because he has felt alone in the marriage and needed a companion... .

He has had 2 DUI's in his life. The second came just two years ago. The first happened LONG ago before we met.

On DD, he wanted hsi keys so he couls leave, but I had them all hidden (fortunately). Nice judgement, eh?


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying...To...Decide,

What do you want? A relationship with a person who jumps from one addiction to another, if not several at once? You need to think about you and your children and setting boundaries that protect you. Being wonderful part of the time does not excuse being unfaithful anytime. The statement that you were somehow to blame for his problems is classic alcoholic/addictive BS. As long as he can get you to accept the responsibility he does not have to. But, these are all his problems, not yours. You are affected by his addictions and cheating, but did not cause them. You did not cause nor can you control what he will do.

You can't fix him either. That is only something he can do and only if he wants to. So when you set boundaries, that is why they are to protect you, not to get him to do something. If he does, then your boundary protected you, if he doesn't then there must be consequences that ou are willing to enforce. The worst thing to do is to say something and not follow through.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. It is hard to watch one you love spiral down knowing you can't save them. You can offer encouragement and support, but they have to do it. Yet, how when they are betraying the fundemental trust that is the basis of the relationship???

Take care of yourself and your children. You are not alone in what you are going through.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 7:31 AM, October 10th (Sunday)]


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am grateful for this thread. Although I'm not sure I ever posted here, I've started to many times. All of you who have posted your stories ((((hugs)))), it is heartbreaking to read them and my heart goes out to you.

My H and I have been together 22 years, married for 20. He seldom drank at all, mostly in social situations, and if he was offered a beer he would drink 1/3 of the can and had to gag it down.

Then in 2001, after 13 years together, he suddenly began drinking daily! I remember thinking WTH was going on with that, it just blew my mind and scared me! I didn't know what to do and I had that intuitive feeling and confronted him several times, only to be met with denial and gaslighting for the next three years. It seemed like everything had gone from normal to completely insane. I had no idea of what alcoholism is and what it does to a person's mind.

He became an alcoholic BECAUSE of the A. Couldn't face himself or his 'secret' life during that time, guilt was eating him alive. I don't believe he could have or would have committed adultery had he not been drinking. He was literally drunk for the whole three years.

He got fired from his job in 03 when his boss found him passed out drunk on the sidewalk one morning. He told me he had been 'laid off' and he found another job in a few days. I found out later from a mutual friend the real truth of his boss finding him intoxicated. When I confronted on that, he denied and claimed his 'laid off' excuse.

It bothers me so much that I am the one dealing with his alcoholism, you know? Me and our children. We are the victims of HIS fallout. It has taken a HUGE toll on us. He has caused us so much stress and worry. It has been devastating, every bit of it is devastation.

He has had two DUIs in the last six years. He's been to AA (refused to go after his court ordered attendance was over). It has cost US several thousand $$$ to bail him out of his messes. We have no money saved now, he has gone through it all. I feel so much anger but don't know where to let it out.

H has been hiding his alcohol for a year or so now...DS and I stumble across it from time to time. We KNOW he's still drinking and it's just mind blowing that he thinks he can hide it from us. His eyes will be bloodshot, his speech slurred, staggering, and he will still deny.

I'm going to try and attend alanon and get DS into alateen, I don't know where else to turn...


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you want? A relationship with a person who jumps from one addiction to another, if not several at once? You need to think about you and your children and setting boundaries that protect you. Being wonderful part of the time does not excuse being unfaithful anytime. The statement that you were somehow to blame for his problems is classic alcoholic/addictive BS. As long as he can get you to accept the responsibility he does not have to. But, these are all his problems, not yours. You are affected by his addictions and cheating, but did not cause them. You did not cause nor can you control what he will do.

Thank you for saying this. I know this. I have said all of this to myself...yet, as time goes on, I tend to let that eek into the back somehow, not paying it any attention for years. Things ebb and flow soooo much in our marrriage that I tend to rely on the flow that happens after a big upheavel. It is my fault for continuously accepting this behavior, listening with hope as he says he knows he has to get counseling and stop A, B, or C. Then, a few weeks go by nad we are back to the everyday.

He can go months without an addiction issue. Then something brings stress,and he jumps on something once again. The alcohol is his 4th or 5th. It began with smoking (closet smoker), then exercise (running), then pot, and now alcohol. In there he also gets "addicted" to various belief systes (religions). Kabbalah, Kundalini Yoga, astrology,a nd most recently, black magic or wicca.

I am in counseling and it is a good thing for me. I am preparing for any outcome. I am staying true to myself and takign care of myself. I plan to get back in shape, cut my hair however the hell I want it, and fix my poor, tired feet!


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is final today from my alcoholic WW. What a bittersweet moment before the judge, answering questions that end our marriage. Alcohol has turned her into someone I don't know. Even though she has stopped drinking her behavior is still self-centered and deceitful.

It has been a long hard year. After trying to help my xWW with recovery, taking her to detox and supporting her, taking care of our children so she could attend programs and AA, to have her to turn to another, a POS she met in detox was devastating.

They are still together. I wish them luck. They both threw away marriages and discarded families leaving carnage in their wake. To trade an addiction for a romantic relationship never addresses the problems that led to their addiction in the first place.

I need to slowly work on my recovery from the toll her alcoholism has taken on me. To deal with the self-doubts that this and the A created. That somehow you are the accountable for their problems. Alcoholics and addictive personalities are exceptional at heaping this onto those around them. I've told many others not to accept the alcoholics problem, but it is far easier said than done. I can attest to that.

So today I stand at the end of a part of my life. An ending I had little choice in. My alcoholic xWW could never commit to NC. She would never give up her "friend" which meant it was more important than trying to save her marriage and be a whole family again. Now it is time to learn to be happy with me again. To shed the codependant ways that developed over the years.

I am so thankful I have my children. They are my blessing that helped give me focus and gave purpose in the dark days when I learned of her adultery in addition to her alcoholism. Knowing I was all they had while their mother was off on a drunk with he "friend". Now it is time for me to focus on me as well so I can get back on track to remain the stable parent they need.

I appreciate all the support I have gotten from people on this site who have lived through the nightmare of loving an alcoholic and adulterous spouse. It is tough on all of us who have to deal with the disease that affects the whole family and the betrayal by the one you most trust.

Thanks for your posts and PMs. They have helped me through this horrific ordeal.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs to you, betrayed1012...I know it's a horrible way to end a marriage (I am about 2 years ahead of you in the timeline) but I can say that things do get better even if you don't believe they ever will. One day a time...hang in there.

PS - One thing that I remember even now is that even if we did R, there are no guarantees with an alcoholic - they could relapse at any time. I don't ever want to be in that position again. One alcoholic in a lifetime is more than enough.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Imagoodwitch, and I am married to an alcoholic and everything is my fault.

My WS crawls into the bottle every night. Yes, every night. It's sad.

Can you point me in the right direction? He doesn't think it is a problem.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5137 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((betrayed))))

In the next chapter of your life a whole new world is waiting to open to you! Hoping you find peace and much happiness on the journey.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
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