I'm so sorry you are going through this without the support of your WS.
Of course, he doesn't have a problem, he can handle the drinking.
No, he doesn't have a problem. It must have been you or your son who put water on the floor and forgot about. Right, they never have a problem, it's alwase you did or caused it.
I hope you get to Al-Anon for support in understanding this is not your problem, but hus alone. You need to focus on you and taking care of you. Do you have family or close friends that can help you as you go through the tests, etc. As njgal480 says reach out to others as you will not get support from a self-centered and selfish alcoholic.
Take care of yourself, Crushed1.
I know I need to check into Al-Anon too. I need to figure out how not to pick someone I have to caretake to this level - pick a healthy relationship.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
I need to figure out how not to pick someone I have to caretake to this level - pick a healthy relationship.
I hear that - I'm terrified to do this again. (If I ever get out of where I am now)
I'm doing Al-anon now. Lots and lots of meetings. I'm having so much trouble that my therapist recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. I've been going to as many face-to-face ones as I can, and supplementing with online ones. Saturday's meeting was really hard. I was bawling walking in, and bawled along with two other ladies throughout a lot of the meeting. Several others were sniffling. It was a big group with lots of cool people. Each group I go to is different. Each is powerful and I get something at each one. I hope I can keep this up and get well.
I went back to one for a second time last night and was warmly greeted again. There were more new people and I cried a bit along with them, too.
The thing I'm getting out of all of this right now is that my problems can be shared in public, and the world doesn't come to an end.
Good luck to all of you. The alcoholism is so much worse than I ever knew. (Errr, would that be my Denial??? Guess so.)
'Marriage On the Rocks' by Woititz.
Describes what it's like living with an active alcoholic.
"Reclaim Your Family From Addiction" by Craig Naaken
Was a really valuable book for me. It helped me to understand how the alcohol affected my husband, my marriage, my family.
Books that helped me cope.
I bought this one at my first ALANON meeting:'Courage To Change'
Day by Day affirmations and reminders.
Then I purchased a series of little pocket books from www.hazelden.org. 'A Moment to Reflect' series by Veronica Ray.
The titles are: 'Living Our Own Lives' and 'Accepting Ourselves'.
I hope these books may help you as well.
Have you gone to ALANON? IC?
Dealing with alcoholism, infidelity, divorce...all are very traumatic.
It's difficult to deal with it all on your own.
I understand. I haven't quite had old fiends, but former students of my xWW ask and make comments about how good a prof she was. She was very good; prof, mother, and wife before alcohol took control. Mine was a closet drinker too. It is quite a contrast, the persona that most saw and that the family knew and dealt with. Then, there is your own internal struggle with the memories of the person you married and loved and the person they became.
Do take care of yourself. Don't worry about the tears they will come when you need to let go of something or to tell you that you need to let go. Mine came yesterday in the IC's office telling me I need to let go of the anger I have towards xWW for the pain she has caused our children with her alcoholism and her A. What good does it do to still be angry, she'll never accept responsibility for her actions. Alcoholism affects the whole family, not just the alcoholic. Just as njgirl480 said it is all traumatic to deal with on your own. So know you are not alone in dealing with this. We know and understand.
I guess I'm just a really stupid and/or naive person. I knew that my WH liked to drink and thought that during what I know to be - but what he will never admit to be - the start of the A, it was a lot worse. He can guzzle beer and it got to be that he would do that every chance he got. A 6 pack would be gone in a minute. He drank almost a case by himself at our 3 year old's bd party. He started chewing tobacco, I believe, to hide the smell. It just spiraled out of control. He said he wanted to leave, but didn't go. I practically had to kick him out to get some peace.
Knowing the person that I married, I honestly thought that he must have left because he was in love with this OW and that she was probably just a younger version of me. We used to party together, but nothing dangerous and mostly because we were in school together years ago.
Anyway, I filed for D and a good friend of mine has been keeping a watchful eye on OW. We know that she has a DWI. We know that her first marriage ended because of her infidelity and that my WH is the fourth married guy she's been with. We know that she does not have custody of her own children, and that she has two money judgments issued against her, one from the state, which likely is due to failure to pay child support. We also know that she apparently is known as a huge partier and is also known to do coke.
I just found all of this out and my head is swimming. This is obviously no fairy tale, glass slipper thing. This obviously is a dirty, filthy slut and my WH obviously loves the party.
I'm terrified for him, but much, much more so for my children. I know they have never been around her. THAT condition will be put in the D papers. But, what about him??? I need to talk to my lawyer about all of this and I'm sure this is not the first time she's dealt with something like this. But, again, I NEVER thought it would come to this.
WH has alcoholism in his family, on both sides. He's always been a drinker, but it never got in the way of anything before. Now, though, he's had some significant personal issues happen to him (aside from the M) and I think it's gotten out of control - quickly!!!!!!
I'm sorry this is long. Any insight or thoughts would be much appreciated.
It's very sad, because he's such a different person and he just seems lost. At the same time though, I need to save myself and my kids. His behavior and cold-hearted treatment toward me nearly killed me. I didn't think I would ever start to recover, but I subscribe to the mantra of SI that no new contact = no new hurts. I recognize that if he wants to fix himself and help himself and see what he's done, it's all up to him. I've said anything and everything that I could.
Of course, the story is that he did not tell me about the A and still really doesn't admit that it was going on while we were still living together. He's very good at compartmentalizing and lying to himself. In fact, he went to see my IC once - she told him that it would help her to help me if she could speak with him - she could not tell me what he said, but she did say that he was one of the most cynnical people that she's ever seen. Just above the board stubborn and not willing to listen. He's gotta come to his own conclusions. The very, very sad part about that though is that, if it ever happens, I will be through my grieving process and he will be just someone that I was married to rather than the husband that I once loved more than myself.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is up to your alcoholic to make the changes in his life. You nor anyone else can do it for him.
It hurts that I can't help him, but I know that I can't.
Yes, it does hurt. It's like watching someone love drown and knowing you can't save them.
Until he reaches his bottom, accepts responsibility for his actions, and makes changes in his behavior - there will always be someone or something else to blame for all his problems.
I hope this will be his bottom and he does change. Either way you do need to detach for your sake.
Take care of yourself and your children.
"I'm not sleeping up here in the bedroom any more!"
Ooh, that's logical. You're drunk, mistake the closet for the toilet and it's because for the first time in a year, you slept upstairs with me in the bedroom. Hard to argue that.
Life with him is such a mess now, that for the first time in eight years, I'm beginning to accept that I may have to live without him. He just doesn't get it.
Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.
I wanted to bump this in case there are some on SI that do not realize this forum is here.
Oh, and now I want to call him to see how he is. I will not break NC but I am struggling today. Thanks for reading.