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User Topic: For Those That Love An Alcoholic
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed-
So sorry that you are dealing with a serious medical issue and your husband is not there for you.
That's pretty typical of an alcoholic. When the going gets tough....they drink!
Drinking is their escape from reality.
Going to ALANON is an excellent idea.
And looking for support elsewhere is the thing to do.
Reach out to family and friends-you may be surprised with the support you get.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crushed1)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this without the support of your WS.

Of course, he doesn't have a problem, he can handle the drinking.

No, he doesn't have a problem. It must have been you or your son who put water on the floor and forgot about. Right, they never have a problem, it's alwase you did or caused it.

I hope you get to Al-Anon for support in understanding this is not your problem, but hus alone. You need to focus on you and taking care of you. Do you have family or close friends that can help you as you go through the tests, etc. As njgal480 says reach out to others as you will not get support from a self-centered and selfish alcoholic.

Take care of yourself, Crushed1.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been gone from our home for two months yesterday, and the first positive revelation I had once he left, although I was a mess, was that I no longer had to stress about whether or not he was drinking and driving on his day trips out of town. Also, I no longer had to count the beers in the fridge in the morning to compare to how many were left that afternoon. I no longer had to see him passed out on the couch when I got home from work because he started drinking mid-afternoon. I no longer had to hear him promise he was "going off" (stopping drinking) the next day and then always find an excuse not to. I no longer have to find empty wine bottles in his closet, under his sink, etc. And, I no longer have a recycling can overflowing with beer bottles.

I know I need to check into Al-Anon too. I need to figure out how not to pick someone I have to caretake to this level - pick a healthy relationship.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to figure out how not to pick someone I have to caretake to this level - pick a healthy relationship.

I hear that - I'm terrified to do this again. (If I ever get out of where I am now)

I'm doing Al-anon now. Lots and lots of meetings. I'm having so much trouble that my therapist recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. I've been going to as many face-to-face ones as I can, and supplementing with online ones. Saturday's meeting was really hard. I was bawling walking in, and bawled along with two other ladies throughout a lot of the meeting. Several others were sniffling. It was a big group with lots of cool people. Each group I go to is different. Each is powerful and I get something at each one. I hope I can keep this up and get well.

I went back to one for a second time last night and was warmly greeted again. There were more new people and I cried a bit along with them, too.

The thing I'm getting out of all of this right now is that my problems can be shared in public, and the world doesn't come to an end.

Good luck to all of you. The alcoholism is so much worse than I ever knew. (Errr, would that be my Denial??? Guess so.)


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Aug 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to recommend some books that have been very helpful for me.
Whether you are trying to R and stay married or whether you are planning to D I think it's valuable to understand the dynamics of the alcoholic marriage.

'Marriage On the Rocks' by Woititz.
Describes what it's like living with an active alcoholic.

"Reclaim Your Family From Addiction" by Craig Naaken
Was a really valuable book for me. It helped me to understand how the alcohol affected my husband, my marriage, my family.

Books that helped me cope.
I bought this one at my first ALANON meeting:'Courage To Change'
Day by Day affirmations and reminders.

Then I purchased a series of little pocket books from www.hazelden.org. 'A Moment to Reflect' series by Veronica Ray.
The titles are: 'Living Our Own Lives' and 'Accepting Ourselves'.

I hope these books may help you as well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need to go to Al-Anon. My therapist and I have discussed it. I almost went one day but I couldn't find it, so I was late, and I used that as an excuse to not go.
I'm very interested in the books just posted.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just venting some...I saw a group of people who I haven't seen in a long time. Anyway, some were friends of friends I only see once in a blue moon and one was like "Aren't you married?" and I was like not anymore (awkward). Also, many folks knew xwh before the alcoholism progressed (mainly a closet A) and affairs began, etc. One guys says - XXX was such a nice guy - blah, blah...Going on and on about his accomplishments (was a high functioning A). I was like yeah WAS a nice guy. I was thinking before going how someone was going to bring up xwh, etc. Oh, well, 1 day and I can forgive them for their comments since they don't really know what happened or how he turned into a completely different person or how hurtful it is to hear all this stuff. Cried a bit last night and haven't in a while over this...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you are still feeling sad about your divorce.
It is hard to see someone you love self destruct.

Have you gone to ALANON? IC?

Dealing with alcoholism, infidelity, divorce...all are very traumatic.
It's difficult to deal with it all on your own.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Why??)))

I understand. I haven't quite had old fiends, but former students of my xWW ask and make comments about how good a prof she was. She was very good; prof, mother, and wife before alcohol took control. Mine was a closet drinker too. It is quite a contrast, the persona that most saw and that the family knew and dealt with. Then, there is your own internal struggle with the memories of the person you married and loved and the person they became.

Do take care of yourself. Don't worry about the tears they will come when you need to let go of something or to tell you that you need to let go. Mine came yesterday in the IC's office telling me I need to let go of the anger I have towards xWW for the pain she has caused our children with her alcoholism and her A. What good does it do to still be angry, she'll never accept responsibility for her actions. Alcoholism affects the whole family, not just the alcoholic. Just as njgirl480 said it is all traumatic to deal with on your own. So know you are not alone in dealing with this. We know and understand.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the hits just keep on comin' ...

I guess I'm just a really stupid and/or naive person. I knew that my WH liked to drink and thought that during what I know to be - but what he will never admit to be - the start of the A, it was a lot worse. He can guzzle beer and it got to be that he would do that every chance he got. A 6 pack would be gone in a minute. He drank almost a case by himself at our 3 year old's bd party. He started chewing tobacco, I believe, to hide the smell. It just spiraled out of control. He said he wanted to leave, but didn't go. I practically had to kick him out to get some peace.

Knowing the person that I married, I honestly thought that he must have left because he was in love with this OW and that she was probably just a younger version of me. We used to party together, but nothing dangerous and mostly because we were in school together years ago.

Anyway, I filed for D and a good friend of mine has been keeping a watchful eye on OW. We know that she has a DWI. We know that her first marriage ended because of her infidelity and that my WH is the fourth married guy she's been with. We know that she does not have custody of her own children, and that she has two money judgments issued against her, one from the state, which likely is due to failure to pay child support. We also know that she apparently is known as a huge partier and is also known to do coke.

I just found all of this out and my head is swimming. This is obviously no fairy tale, glass slipper thing. This obviously is a dirty, filthy slut and my WH obviously loves the party.

I'm terrified for him, but much, much more so for my children. I know they have never been around her. THAT condition will be put in the D papers. But, what about him??? I need to talk to my lawyer about all of this and I'm sure this is not the first time she's dealt with something like this. But, again, I NEVER thought it would come to this.

WH has alcoholism in his family, on both sides. He's always been a drinker, but it never got in the way of anything before. Now, though, he's had some significant personal issues happen to him (aside from the M) and I think it's gotten out of control - quickly!!!!!!

I'm sorry this is long. Any insight or thoughts would be much appreciated.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jan 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband said that the alcohol was a big attraction for him.
You see his alcoholism was an ongoing issue in our marriage. He knew that I did not approve of it and I was definitely not a drinking buddy ! The MOW was/is an alcoholic and when his office moved to a new locale the MOW (also a serial cheater) jumped on the new guys. She immediately latched on and became the only female in their drinking buddy crowd. So, its a common occurrence.
Is your husband remorseful? Does he want to save the marriage? Is he willing to go to IC? to AA?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, he is not remorseful and does not want to save the marriage. I think he has lots of issues, alcoholism being only one. I also believe that he is in the throws of a significant MLC and is self-medicating some depression.

It's very sad, because he's such a different person and he just seems lost. At the same time though, I need to save myself and my kids. His behavior and cold-hearted treatment toward me nearly killed me. I didn't think I would ever start to recover, but I subscribe to the mantra of SI that no new contact = no new hurts. I recognize that if he wants to fix himself and help himself and see what he's done, it's all up to him. I've said anything and everything that I could.

Of course, the story is that he did not tell me about the A and still really doesn't admit that it was going on while we were still living together. He's very good at compartmentalizing and lying to himself. In fact, he went to see my IC once - she told him that it would help her to help me if she could speak with him - she could not tell me what he said, but she did say that he was one of the most cynnical people that she's ever seen. Just above the board stubborn and not willing to listen. He's gotta come to his own conclusions. The very, very sad part about that though is that, if it ever happens, I will be through my grieving process and he will be just someone that I was married to rather than the husband that I once loved more than myself.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jan 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All you can do is to take care of yourself and your kids.
You need to take a tough love approach with him and hope that he hits bottom.
Maybe then he will wake up and realize that he is self destructing and losing everything important in his life.
For some alcoholic WS d-day is hitting bottom, for others it's the actual separation or divorce, and then there are some that never 'wake up'....or don't until it is too late.
Have you gone to IC for yourself? Have you tried going to an ALANON meeting?
whether you R or D it helps to have someone else to talk to that understands the situation.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal - Thank you. I do go to IC regularly. The next time I see her, I will bring this stuff up. Like I said, it sort of hit me quickly in terms of realizing just how much of a role alcohol must have had in this whole situation. I guess in my mind, I figured he was in it for some fairy tale and that love must be involved with this OW. Until I really found out about the fact that she is a "repudited" partier and has wrecked several marriages, including her own, with her serial cheating, I got a totally different picture. I put the drinking before the S together with the fact that the drinking is what he loves now. It hurts that I can't help him, but I know that I can't. He may be close to bottom or miles away - I just don't know. I only hope that his bottom does not in any way hurt me or my children any more. I don't know that D will bring him to the bottom. He's been served and hasn't responded yet. My feeling is that he just compartmentalizes so much, he's not interested in thinking about it or dealing with it. He'll do it at the last minute, like everything else these days ...


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jan 2011
betrayed1012
♂ Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sucksstobeme)))

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is up to your alcoholic to make the changes in his life. You nor anyone else can do it for him.

It hurts that I can't help him, but I know that I can't.

Yes, it does hurt. It's like watching someone love drown and knowing you can't save them.

Until he reaches his bottom, accepts responsibility for his actions, and makes changes in his behavior - there will always be someone or something else to blame for all his problems.

I hope this will be his bottom and he does change. Either way you do need to detach for your sake.

Take care of yourself and your children.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, crushed, my WBF did the same thing, only instead of making it to the bathroom, he opened the closet outside the bathroom door. I hear "water" running, and I called to him, "hey that's not the bathroom"! Know what he said?

"I'm not sleeping up here in the bedroom any more!"

Ooh, that's logical. You're drunk, mistake the closet for the toilet and it's because for the first time in a year, you slept upstairs with me in the bedroom. Hard to argue that.

Life with him is such a mess now, that for the first time in eight years, I'm beginning to accept that I may have to live without him. He just doesn't get it.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many affairs have an alcohlism component.

I wanted to bump this in case there are some on SI that do not realize this forum is here.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having an upsetting day. Thought I had moved on more than it appears by my reaction today. Someone at work mentioned that a friend works with xwh and he had gained a lot of weight. He used to be very fit even as an A. So, I looked up his pic and was very saddened. I am still in IC but haven't hit Alanon in quite a while. Might have to get to a meeting afterall. How come this lingers for so long, I don't understand? I've done NC, reading, IC, previously Alanon.

Oh, and now I want to call him to see how he is. I will not break NC but I am struggling today. Thanks for reading.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Mel8899
♀ Member
Member # 31794
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my STBX WH when he was 5 years sober (he got sober at the age of 17) needless to say that even though he went to AA meetings he really didn't work a good program and was basically a dry drunk. Still went threw all the BS you would have with an alcoholic minus the drinks.


Dday- 5-15-2010 (EA & PA)
BW (me)-36, WH - 37
3 loves of my life (9-4-9 mos)
married 12 yrs, together 15 years
Divorce Final 9-14-11
EXWH broke up with OW 10-23-11

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Chicago
reggie
♂ Member
Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was raised by an abusive alcholic(guess that is redundant) and my XWW was one, as well. These folks are highly abusive and many have personality disorders. The co-morbidity of cluster B personality disorders and alcoholism is very high.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
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