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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
itsa(bad)dream
♀ Member
Member # 13174
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now that we live apart I am finding out more about WH that I ever knew. I believe he has had women on the side for almost all of our 14 yr marriage. He never went on the porn sites when living here, didn't ask to get x rated tapes, but always talked sex, always fondled himself whenever sitting still, wanted ME to stroke him whenever we sat still (watching TV), etc. Now that he's moved out I found out he is on the AdultFriendfinder web site, paid for a membership and all. I have made up some fake profiles to see if he approaches me, and yup, he does and the things he'll say.. are unbelievable..

This is all so shocking to me. Maybe when he worked out of town, he did more of this behavior than I know. Even though he still has the g/f in the picture, he constantly wants to meet & have sex with very unknown people.

In the last yr., he used the excuse of erectile disfunction to get out of having sex w. me. We just didn't have sex as often as we had in the past. He was so good at this game, he could actually CRY telling me how inadequate it made him feel. He was a very good actor.

So is this what you call a sex addict? I asked my therapist about it, and he said - he may just be acting out his fantasies, but at the very least, he is a truly unhappy person - this is why he goes in and out of relationships with other women - bec he thinks moving to someone else will make him happy, and then, when it doesn't, he moves on again.

What do all of you think?


M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH
1st A:summer 01. EA & PA
2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,never cut contact.
3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)
*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He's just being a

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
unsureofanything
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so check THIS ONE out!

My H has always blamed me for his infidelity, saying if I had more sex with him, he never would have strayed. Yeah, right. Even now, as he is in IC for his SA, he maintains that my not having enough sex with him was a contributing factor, yet I'm supposed to just let go off all that, because he was "sick".

WTF?????????

He even said today that I have no place acting the victim since I knew he had cheated on his first wife, and married him anyway. I TOTALLY know that I should have taken that as a huge red flag and probably not married him, but love is blind, ya know? But how dare he say I "knew what I was getting into, so stop acting like a victim" to me?????


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unsure,
Your H has a loooooonnnngggg way to go in his recovery. He is still blame shifting ("It's your fault, so it can't be his") and you must know with all your heart that you are in NO WAY responsible for his infidelity or his addiction. All of that was in his control.

You have been impacted by his infidelity and his addiction. But I really hate the word "victim". Makes it sound like you are weak and have no hope. You do have choices.... to stay or to leave. Sadly, he has the same choice. But if you leave, you leave your problem behind. If he leaves the stink follows him....

Just so you know, I am still married to my H and he is doing pretty well in SA recovery. I don't advocate leaving a marriage. But you don't have to wait for him to decide if he is going to get well either.

An old SI friend suggested throwing eggs when you get real angry and/or frustrated. Sounds like you might enjoy a dozen....

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the discussion on 'co-dependency' in this thread interesting. I don't believe every spouse of a SA is a co-dependent. However, I do know that I am; or should I say, was. I'm currently reading the book, "Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective" by Christine A. Adams. Apparently it's a re-write of an earlier work. It does not address internet porn, so it is somewhat dated. Not everything applies to me, but the message is there. I have been a typical codependent/co-addict. It's hurting like heck to read some of this stuff and seeing myself in so much of it. I will read a paragraph or two, put it down, sob for a bit and then pick it up again or drift off to sleep. Despite the hurt, reading the book has been a real defining moment for me in this journey. I feel stronger and more in control than I have in some time. I see myself for what I've been, own it, pray about it and go on.

But this is my own battle. I'm responsible for me, not him. I did not cause my husband to do any of this. He made his own choices, including the most devastating one of all; to have an affair after two ONS. He is guilty of that. I am not.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a difference between co-dependency and co-addiction. I'm not a co-addict but I do have some co-dependency issues. It is very different. That's why I struggle. I find that the assumption is that all wives of addicts are CO-ADDICTS, not just co-dependent in the relationship (which let's face it, it's impossible to be in ANY relationship without some co-dependency!) He and I would have a co-dependent relationship whether he was an addict or not but I never did the main things that would cause me to be classified a co-addict. The biggest of which was lie to myself about his addiction or cover-up his addiction and enable his behavior. That's the main sticking point for me in regards to the support groups available.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs--I thought about reply all day yesterday (inbetween doing my job, of course :) ). I'm not sure whether I am a co-addict or not, but I think I am. I've been married to FWH 32 years. Looking back, he's never been intimately available--right from the beginning. He never crossed the line to real live women until last year. I think I thought I was safe as long as he kept it to images. So I denied. I never told anyone, so I covered it up. And I enabled. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I would demand he get rid of the magazines etc. or else. He would promise. Like he said last night, it was a dance. I would find his 'stuff', he would feel guilty, makes promises and then develop better hiding places. At a certain point in our marriage, I gave up and quit making demands. Big mistake.

I see your marriage is still young. You go girl!! Keep those boundaries and make him deal with it NOW!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
unsureofanything
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sager, thanks fro your thoughts. I know he is blame shifting, but it's been going on for so long, I'm plain sick of it.

For those who have been in this for a while.... how long before you started to see real progress in your spouse? How long before the blame shifting stops?


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not quite a year since WH started SA therapy.

He came to realize what he has done to me with all the porn, leering at other women and now the A.

He has to want to stop the behavior. It's up to him. I can't control his behavior but I can control mine and I will not live with this behavior anymore. He goes back I'm gone. It's as simple as that no matter how strong my love is for him.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

Ditto here. In fact, last night I set a timeline. After that time, I'm gone, as hard as that would be.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unsure,
I think the real challenge is that SA recovery is not a stratight line. We can go long periods where he does really well, and then there might be a slip, or he suddenly (or so it seems to me) starts having difficultly living with himself. When he is under stress or is acting out, there is a regression back to some of his behaviors like blame shifting.

I found that I've needed to take a longer view. And over time I have seen a reduction in the negative behaviors and an increase in the good behaviors. I would say that in our case, the more that he has learned about the addiction and himself and come to accept that information, the better he has done.

I'll tell you, I get very, very frustrated. But now, almost 10 years into this I can honestly say that his sex addiction is the least of his problems.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, you can't set a deadline on recovery itself. You can set a deadline how long you're willing to stay with someone who is NOT in recovery, that's a different issue.

But once your SA partner starts therapy you can't put a deadline on it. For one thing, it will never end. It's just like an alcoholic, they are never "recovered" they are always "recovering" and will always need to go to meetings and can never have "just one drink."

If a SA is not seeking the right kind of therapy and not making any progress, then again, that is something you can put a timeline on. "If you do not seek appropriate counseling and seek to stop your bottom line behaviors within 3 months, I'm leaving." But you have to be 100% committed to following through with the threat.

In my situation my FWH has stopped all his bottom line behaviors (porn, masturbation and sexualizing women he sees in public and most importantly the actual cheating) These are levels of behavior. I don't think he would suddenly set up a new AFF account and hook up with someone out of the blue tomorrow. It is possible that he could see a woman somewhere and have a "slip" by allowing himself to sexualize her. That could lead to masturbation. If I were to see that happen I'd be all over him like white on rice because it's those slips when not dealt with that lead to cheating. It's a progression. He will slip with porn or masturbation long before he cheats again. I know what to watch for. He knows that if he cheats again I will take our child and leave. Period. If he slips with porn or masturbation without addressing it and stopping the behavior, I will take our child and leave because I see the road he's headed down. But if he slips and he faces it head on, continues his counseling and steps up his efforts to be sober, I will stay and support him 100%. He knows this.

He and I both know what his bottom line behaviors are. He is responsible for not doing them. I am responsible only for what I do if/when he slips. I cannot control him. I cannot control what he does. I cannot prevent him from slipping. This does not mean that I am helpless or blind however and I do have safeguards in place to know what I need to know for ME.

Just to be clear: My FWH is in therapy that dictates ZERO masturation. I think this the most healthy way to go. If an alcoholic can't have one drink doesn't it stand to reason that a SA can't use masturbation like a drug?? That's exactly what it is for a SA. Making love with your spouse is different and healthy. It's a connection to your partner, it's INTIMACY. Masturbation is a taking a hit of a drug for a SA.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unsureofanything
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey All. Checking in to see how everything is going. Been sort of a slow thread... everyone doing okay?

I am thrilled to update that I found myself a therapist and I have my first appt on Tuesday. YAY ME! This is a huge step for me. I've been living in a very depressed state for quite some time, and making the call and setting an appt is big progress for me. I feel a weight lifted already.

As shitty as everything has been, they can only get better from here, right? RIGHT?????

I am focusing on me right now, and it feels fantastic! Been tooooooo long since I've done that. I feel like I'm getting some of my power back, as I am no longer holding my tongue with H. I am letting him know how I feel about things, whether he wants to hear it or not, and although we've had some tough days, we are coming through them better than we would be if we had not had those tough conversations. I feel like there is some movement, and I am coming out of the Lethal Plain of Flatness. Angry as I've been,and as much as I hate being angry, honestly... it feels better than feeling nothing, which is what I've felt for several months now.

Wow... could it be I'm actually feeling hopeful??? Somebody stop me!


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!!

I just got the chance to read this forum and am finally joining in this thread. I posted in the sexual difficulty thread, but I think, my issues is rooted in this thread...not sure...

Anyways, I am FWW, I am talking about it from flip side. (my H's sexual kink -3somes lead to my A, therefore I was open book and I didn't feel the guilt. Anyways, you can read my story in my profile) In retrospect, my H was porn addict. Because I was co-dependent, I thought that I had to follow his sexual fantasy for him and as the time went by, my curiosity got escalated. and I was addicted to xOM. With xOM, I was doing it out of habit/addiction. At the beginning of ending EMA, I wasn't pysically attracted to H especially when I still had some contact with xOM. I have been NC for almost 7 months now and it is helping me to feel indiffarent toward xOM and I am finally able to focus on H. We are back to having the normal monogamy M.
Here is my summary: After I had two children, I had hysterectomy (I was 27), having OMs was norm in our M. When I turned 40, started having hormone supplement (vagifem) because of the dryness and uncomfortable when I had sex. My problem and frustlation right now is, I am having the zero interest in sex. Nothing would turn me on. Maybe it is recovering from Sex Addict or something. (from one extreme to another…?) I just bought this book and am hoping that my libido will come back. "Orgasmic Diet"A Revolutionary Plan to Lift Your Libido and Bring You to Orgasm by Marrena Lindberg. I am going to try this before I ask my doctor to prescribe me something..
Right now, I feel like sex is not that important part of my life. I feel ok with once in the every two weeks. Maybe it is a good thing, I am not involving anyone else and that my body need to reconnect myself. I don't want to feel that I am defected. I don't need any pressure right now. I am feeling like transforming to new me.

I have a question to former SA….being asexual is normal during the recovering from SA....?


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, 1Forward, thanks for the book recomendation.
I'm currently reading the book, "Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective" by Christine A. Adams.
I will check it out next. I have read "Women, Sex and addiction - A search for love and power" by Charlotte Davis Kasl. Have you read it? It rang so true as I was reading... I would highly recommend, too.

7 years, that is very interesting analysis... Thanks!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
marchmadness
♀ Member
Member # 6475
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you whose spouses looked at internet porn, what was their "porn of choice"? Is there a type of porn that would have caused you to end things with your spouse?


You get to sleep in the bed you make...be careful what goes on between the sheets.

Posts: 397 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: pa
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pedophelia, violence against women, anything to do with animals or gay. This would make me want to leave.


The internet porn was all just women. Normal stuff if that's what it's called.

[This message edited by pebbles at 5:42 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what Pebbles said. If there had even been a HINT of child porn or if there had been anything deeply disturbing I would not have even considered staying.

Also if there had been child porn, not only would I have left I'd have turned him in to the authories.

My FWH's preference was just straight, age appropriate women of the body type he prefers.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 6:52 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
marchmadness
♀ Member
Member # 6475
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

where do you draw the line between teen porn and child porn? and what about the teen 'modeling' sites....I think i found myself in a very questionable situation.


You get to sleep in the bed you make...be careful what goes on between the sheets.

Posts: 397 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: pa
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on if it is 18 yrs old or older teen sites and if it's porn.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi March.

From what my husband has explained to me, pornography addiction can be like any substance addiction in that it takes more and more to get that "high". For some that is more deviant forms of pornography, for others that is multiple ONS...ect.

Ultimately I am not sure that the "line" you are talking about really exists. It's more like the proverbial slippery slope.

Images that portray even adults to look underage are illegal and "deviant".

I'm not sure this issue is as black and white as a lot of people would think.

I think it is okay to be scared and hopeful at the same time. I am.

When I finally discovered the extent of my husbands porn addiction...I instantly thought...this is a deal breaker. But I wasn't ready to give up on him or our marriage. So, I stayed and tried to ignore all the terrible feelings I had towards H and his SA.

The ignoring thing was a mistake...but I am thankful for not making a rash decision.

I have had time to process and understand SA. I have had time to step outside my strong feelings and see things more objectively. I have more faith in my H that he is capable of overcoming this monster.

I still have doubts, questions...and I am looking for answers. I am still protecting my heart. And I am not 100% sure that I can get passed parts of the addiction.

But one thing I do have is hope. Love and marriage are complex...too complex to apply a universal rule for everyone. You may be able to forgive something that I never could...and vice versa.



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