This is all so shocking to me. Maybe when he worked out of town, he did more of this behavior than I know. Even though he still has the g/f in the picture, he constantly wants to meet & have sex with very unknown people.
In the last yr., he used the excuse of erectile disfunction to get out of having sex w. me. We just didn't have sex as often as we had in the past. He was so good at this game, he could actually CRY telling me how inadequate it made him feel. He was a very good actor.
So is this what you call a sex addict? I asked my therapist about it, and he said - he may just be acting out his fantasies, but at the very least, he is a truly unhappy person - this is why he goes in and out of relationships with other women - bec he thinks moving to someone else will make him happy, and then, when it doesn't, he moves on again.
What do all of you think?
My H has always blamed me for his infidelity, saying if I had more sex with him, he never would have strayed. Yeah, right. Even now, as he is in IC for his SA, he maintains that my not having enough sex with him was a contributing factor, yet I'm supposed to just let go off all that, because he was "sick".
He even said today that I have no place acting the victim since I knew he had cheated on his first wife, and married him anyway. I TOTALLY know that I should have taken that as a huge red flag and probably not married him, but love is blind, ya know? But how dare he say I "knew what I was getting into, so stop acting like a victim" to me?????
You have been impacted by his infidelity and his addiction. But I really hate the word "victim". Makes it sound like you are weak and have no hope. You do have choices.... to stay or to leave. Sadly, he has the same choice. But if you leave, you leave your problem behind. If he leaves the stink follows him....
Just so you know, I am still married to my H and he is doing pretty well in SA recovery. I don't advocate leaving a marriage. But you don't have to wait for him to decide if he is going to get well either.
An old SI friend suggested throwing eggs when you get real angry and/or frustrated. Sounds like you might enjoy a dozen....
But this is my own battle. I'm responsible for me, not him. I did not cause my husband to do any of this. He made his own choices, including the most devastating one of all; to have an affair after two ONS. He is guilty of that. I am not.
I see your marriage is still young. You go girl!! Keep those boundaries and make him deal with it NOW!!
For those who have been in this for a while.... how long before you started to see real progress in your spouse? How long before the blame shifting stops?
He came to realize what he has done to me with all the porn, leering at other women and now the A.
He has to want to stop the behavior. It's up to him. I can't control his behavior but I can control mine and I will not live with this behavior anymore. He goes back I'm gone. It's as simple as that no matter how strong my love is for him.
Ditto here. In fact, last night I set a timeline. After that time, I'm gone, as hard as that would be.
I found that I've needed to take a longer view. And over time I have seen a reduction in the negative behaviors and an increase in the good behaviors. I would say that in our case, the more that he has learned about the addiction and himself and come to accept that information, the better he has done.
I'll tell you, I get very, very frustrated. But now, almost 10 years into this I can honestly say that his sex addiction is the least of his problems.
But once your SA partner starts therapy you can't put a deadline on it. For one thing, it will never end. It's just like an alcoholic, they are never "recovered" they are always "recovering" and will always need to go to meetings and can never have "just one drink."
If a SA is not seeking the right kind of therapy and not making any progress, then again, that is something you can put a timeline on. "If you do not seek appropriate counseling and seek to stop your bottom line behaviors within 3 months, I'm leaving." But you have to be 100% committed to following through with the threat.
In my situation my FWH has stopped all his bottom line behaviors (porn, masturbation and sexualizing women he sees in public and most importantly the actual cheating) These are levels of behavior. I don't think he would suddenly set up a new AFF account and hook up with someone out of the blue tomorrow. It is possible that he could see a woman somewhere and have a "slip" by allowing himself to sexualize her. That could lead to masturbation. If I were to see that happen I'd be all over him like white on rice because it's those slips when not dealt with that lead to cheating. It's a progression. He will slip with porn or masturbation long before he cheats again. I know what to watch for. He knows that if he cheats again I will take our child and leave. Period. If he slips with porn or masturbation without addressing it and stopping the behavior, I will take our child and leave because I see the road he's headed down. But if he slips and he faces it head on, continues his counseling and steps up his efforts to be sober, I will stay and support him 100%. He knows this.
He and I both know what his bottom line behaviors are. He is responsible for not doing them. I am responsible only for what I do if/when he slips. I cannot control him. I cannot control what he does. I cannot prevent him from slipping. This does not mean that I am helpless or blind however and I do have safeguards in place to know what I need to know for ME.
Just to be clear: My FWH is in therapy that dictates ZERO masturation. I think this the most healthy way to go. If an alcoholic can't have one drink doesn't it stand to reason that a SA can't use masturbation like a drug?? That's exactly what it is for a SA. Making love with your spouse is different and healthy. It's a connection to your partner, it's INTIMACY. Masturbation is a taking a hit of a drug for a SA.
I am thrilled to update that I found myself a therapist and I have my first appt on Tuesday. YAY ME! This is a huge step for me. I've been living in a very depressed state for quite some time, and making the call and setting an appt is big progress for me. I feel a weight lifted already.
As shitty as everything has been, they can only get better from here, right? RIGHT?????
I am focusing on me right now, and it feels fantastic! Been tooooooo long since I've done that. I feel like I'm getting some of my power back, as I am no longer holding my tongue with H. I am letting him know how I feel about things, whether he wants to hear it or not, and although we've had some tough days, we are coming through them better than we would be if we had not had those tough conversations. I feel like there is some movement, and I am coming out of the Lethal Plain of Flatness. Angry as I've been,and as much as I hate being angry, honestly... it feels better than feeling nothing, which is what I've felt for several months now.
Wow... could it be I'm actually feeling hopeful??? Somebody stop me!
I just got the chance to read this forum and am finally joining in this thread. I posted in the sexual difficulty thread, but I think, my issues is rooted in this thread...not sure...
Anyways, I am FWW, I am talking about it from flip side. (my H's sexual kink -3somes lead to my A, therefore I was open book and I didn't feel the guilt. Anyways, you can read my story in my profile) In retrospect, my H was porn addict. Because I was co-dependent, I thought that I had to follow his sexual fantasy for him and as the time went by, my curiosity got escalated. and I was addicted to xOM. With xOM, I was doing it out of habit/addiction. At the beginning of ending EMA, I wasn't pysically attracted to H especially when I still had some contact with xOM. I have been NC for almost 7 months now and it is helping me to feel indiffarent toward xOM and I am finally able to focus on H. We are back to having the normal monogamy M.
Here is my summary: After I had two children, I had hysterectomy (I was 27), having OMs was norm in our M. When I turned 40, started having hormone supplement (vagifem) because of the dryness and uncomfortable when I had sex. My problem and frustlation right now is, I am having the zero interest in sex. Nothing would turn me on. Maybe it is recovering from Sex Addict or something. (from one extreme to another…?) I just bought this book and am hoping that my libido will come back. "Orgasmic Diet"A Revolutionary Plan to Lift Your Libido and Bring You to Orgasm by Marrena Lindberg. I am going to try this before I ask my doctor to prescribe me something..
Right now, I feel like sex is not that important part of my life. I feel ok with once in the every two weeks. Maybe it is a good thing, I am not involving anyone else and that my body need to reconnect myself. I don't want to feel that I am defected. I don't need any pressure right now. I am feeling like transforming to new me.
I have a question to former SA….being asexual is normal during the recovering from SA....?
I'm currently reading the book, "Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective" by Christine A. Adams.
7 years, that is very interesting analysis... Thanks!
The internet porn was all just women. Normal stuff if that's what it's called.
[This message edited by pebbles at 5:42 PM, June 11th (Monday)]
Also if there had been child porn, not only would I have left I'd have turned him in to the authories.
My FWH's preference was just straight, age appropriate women of the body type he prefers.
[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 6:52 PM, June 11th (Monday)]
From what my husband has explained to me, pornography addiction can be like any substance addiction in that it takes more and more to get that "high". For some that is more deviant forms of pornography, for others that is multiple ONS...ect.
Ultimately I am not sure that the "line" you are talking about really exists. It's more like the proverbial slippery slope.
Images that portray even adults to look underage are illegal and "deviant".
I'm not sure this issue is as black and white as a lot of people would think.
I think it is okay to be scared and hopeful at the same time. I am.
When I finally discovered the extent of my husbands porn addiction...I instantly thought...this is a deal breaker. But I wasn't ready to give up on him or our marriage. So, I stayed and tried to ignore all the terrible feelings I had towards H and his SA.
The ignoring thing was a mistake...but I am thankful for not making a rash decision.
I have had time to process and understand SA. I have had time to step outside my strong feelings and see things more objectively. I have more faith in my H that he is capable of overcoming this monster.
I still have doubts, questions...and I am looking for answers. I am still protecting my heart. And I am not 100% sure that I can get passed parts of the addiction.
But one thing I do have is hope. Love and marriage are complex...too complex to apply a universal rule for everyone. You may be able to forgive something that I never could...and vice versa.