I had an A after nearly 2 years of battling H SA.
I'm afraid that part of the reason I fell so low as to have an A...was because I didn't properly handle my emotions about the SA.
[This message edited by sheltered at 8:23 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]
H also had a bunch of collection and I thought it was common as a guy without knowing that he was addicted.
If he was looking at child porn, I would be leaving.
You can PM me anytime. Are you doing ok?
[This message edited by beach at 9:30 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]
My response to his addiction was to shut down. No sex drive at all. It wasn't intentional it just happened. After finding out about his A I lost myself (breakdown of sorts) and I allowed the porn. I was convinced I was beaten down so far I might as well join him. Didn't know there was a term called sex addiction so when we finally went to counseling I was so relieved to have that crap over with.
I've never been tempted to have an affair but this is one area I can relate to.
fadingaway. Do your kids know about his affair and all his porn? That's not fair that they only condemn you. You should tell them if they don't. I don't think they're being fair with you if they know about their fathers' activity.
But... I'm still mad...now I just feel like the bad guy, too.
Actually, I never could have anticipated all the emotions and despair that would result from becoming a WW. Saying it wasn't worth it is a maaaajor understatement!
((((unsure, beach, fading, pebbles))))...that's a group hug. Thought we could use one , today.
[This message edited by sheltered at 4:10 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]
They shouldn't be condemning just you. If they want to be upset they should be upset with you both. Besides as I told my younger son who knows about WH A, this is between his dad and I. His dad is still the great dad he had growing up.
sheltered, I also felt like I was acting like I was single, too.
Anyways, my H used to join yahoo porn club type place and posted my pics or lurking the cockhold/hotwives forum. After some stranger (out of state) stalked me over the internet, it scared the hell out of us. It put the stop the play on the net all together then. We learned the hard lesson.
A couple whom I met through swinger site, (xOM and I were talking about going to the swinger party - I was so messed up) and as I was talking with the wife, she told me that they met through internet (she was from overseas and he is from USA) and dated for 6 months then she moved to USA and got married, he was using her so he can go to the swing party, (because if a guy is single, usually they are not allowed to attend.) When he was home, he was chatting with other women online. He was emotionally abusive and she ranaway to local women's shelter. He was snappy, not focusing at work and depressing and somehow, his porn/sex addiction took over his life and was transferred to other states. I felt sorry for her, but I think she is getting back on her life now..
ETA: sorry, if this post offended anyone.
[This message edited by beach at 10:29 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]
Therapy is proving to be a good thing for my H. He's only been in it for about 5 weeks now, but it's really helping. He's taking it very seriously and talks to me about many of the things he is working on.
Then yesterday, he called me out of the blue and apologized for his actions at a party we went to a coupe of weeks ago. During that party, I was being very social and having a great time (the same party I mentioned in my previous post - I was flirting, but did nothing inappropriate). I was certainly rebelling against him (mostly just wanted to do my own thing for an evening, which is not unusual for us when we go out with friends), but I didn't do anything wrong, AT ALL. I was just having fun. He got totally drunk, and after he fell down in the street (yes, lovely), he turned into angry drunk guy and spent the rest of the night trying to fight with me. It was totally embarrassing. He and I fought about it for days afterwards. We finally resolved it, but it was in a "lets agree to disagree" way.
Well, I guess he discussed it in therapy again this week. It was a big issue for him, he was really mad that I was having so much fun and "ignoring" him, which I was NOT, I was simply socializing independently. So anyway, he discusses it in therapy and realizes that he was totally wrong, that I did nothing wrong, and he was wrong wrong wrong for acting the way he did. He #1) drank too much, #2) reacted out of his deep abandonment issues and was angry with me for "abandoning" him at the party, which I did no such thing. He told me his therapist asked him, "So how do you think things would have been different if you had not drank so much and simply walked up to your wife during the party and asked her to dance with you, told her you wanted to spend time with her?" He told me he realized how he made a huge issue out of nothing, and if he had acted differently, there would have been no issue and he's so sorry.
This is HUGE!!!!! My husband is NOT big on apologizing. It takes a lot for him to do that, so I know his mindset is changing.
Sooooooo encouraging. Couple this with the fact that I started IC this week, I am daring to feel positive and hopeful.
[This message edited by unsureofanything at 10:14 PM, June 15th (Friday)]
Thanks for the update.
Then after his heart attack a couple years ago, he became so needy (depressed big time..I'd find him crying a lot) and he so wanted intimacy. I just couldn't respond. I asked him to give me some time. I was also dealing with finding out our son had been molested when he was younger by another boy and that added to my distaste for sex. Well he didn't wait for me. He went on Adult Friend Finders, found one ONS and then another woman (2nd ONS) who introduced him to Paltalk....after she dumped him for another lost soul on the internet (after the sex with my husband, of course). There he found another woman, with whom he had a 4 month affair. I find it rather rich that this narcassistic, needy man went looking for love and found a more narcissistic woman, who became so demanding and made his life miserable.
But in order to perform with these women, he had to double dose on meds. He'd take a Cialis (long-acting) 4 to 6 hours in advance of the act, and then a Viagra a couple of hours later. As a heart patient, he is so darn lucky he did not die. I asked him what he thought it would do to me if he had died at her place. He said he was so narcissistic, he never thought of it. I asked him if his lover ever encouraged him not to take so many pills for fear of negative side effects. After all, she told me she cared for him and his welfare more than I did.
Interestingly, the few times we had 'hysterical' sex soon after D-Day, he did not need meds. Go figure!
Anyway, at this point we are not having sex, for a couple of reasons. One is that he needs to remain celibate for some time, as he deals with 'getting clean' from decades of porn. Also, althoug he got tested for most STDs soon after D-Day, he is hesitating on the HIV test. One of our friends is head of the lab here and he's petrified she will find out. I've left it alone. The choice is his. He has to realize who is more important here. He'll come around, I'm sure. He is doing very well. Patrick Carnes books, the IC and the MC has had a profound effect on him.
Man, life is difficult, non?
He never rejected me.
What happened was I consider porn a form of cheating. Not to the degree of an A. But I've had many, MANY Ddays of finding out about the porn after he said he stopped. This was before he started therapy and the A.
If I were a man I would have ED. If I even have the slightest feeling to be intimate with him it disappears as soon as I see him looking over another woman. This is why I'm in EMDR to try and desensitize me to this.
I suspect most people have no concept of how addictive porn etc. can be. They tend not to think of it in the same category as alcohol, gambling and drug addiction. I knew I had no idea of how strong it was until D-Day forced him/us to deal with it with abstinence.
In response to the FWS question, I was unfaithful in my first marriage. I was married to a sex addict and experienced sexual anorexia in my marriage. I felt very lonely in that relationship and dealt with it in a way I am not proud of. My affair partner is my current H, also a sex addict (hmm, I am noticing a trend here) and I felt that I excited him sexually where I had "failed" with my husband. Not my failure, but I didn't know sex addiction had a name at the time and I blamed myself. Sometimes I wonder if my H's sex addiction is my punishment for that affair, but when I am sane, I know that's not true. I am not being punished, I just need to recover so that I am no longer attracted to unhealthy people.
It's been about 2 months since I last posted, and my H says he has been sexually sober for 5 months. It seems that the hysterical bonding period is over and now everyday life is setting in. My H has been short of temper lately and is not half as loving or as understanding as he used to be when I distrust him or feel hurt by his affairs. He says he is going to work on changing his attitudes and I hope the change is consistent over time. I am finding that it is hard to believe he loves me and will stay faithful when he loses his temper or acts selfishly... it just makes me wonder if he is really changing as he says. We have noticed a trend that often, when he acts selfishly, it is because he is overwhelmed by anxiety.
Recently I asked myself "why do I love him?" and I couldn't think of anything. So, that led me to ask "Do I love him?" and I couldn't honestly answer that either. I must, because I still want to see us recover and successfully reconcile, but I am just emotionally numb. I don't feel the love...that's not like me. Usually, a person can beat on me emotionally all they want and I will still love them. I wonder if this is a stage many couples in recovery go through, or if I am losing love. Does anyone have a perspective on this?
I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.
Looks like you have some soul searching ahead of you...you're the only one who truly knows how you're feeling.
But, I justed wanted to let you know that I relate! My H used to ask me what I loved about him/ what was my favorite thing...and my answer was always that he loved me. Not that he is funny and intelligent or any of the 100's of other qualities that I love about him. At the time, those "other" things were overshadowed...I couldn't think of them.
After my A, I went through a really rough period where I thought all the same questions you are asking now. My answers were often either vague or negative.
So compound those thoughts with the mess my A made...and you had one girl that wanted to run the hell away. But for some reason...I just couldn't! I wasn't in tune enough with myself at the time to know why ...but I decided to take it one day at a time.
After a lot of introspection and IC I realized that I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted a healthy, happy relationship...and I wanted that with my current partner. Now, as I am dealing with myself and working on creating the life I want...the reasons why I love my husband are flooding back. I had to get out of the negative mindset (which is not easy). I had to stop taking every bad interaction as a sign that we would be better off apart. I had to give my H permission to be a moody A-hole sometimes without me applying that to his whole person and assuming that choosing him was choosing to always be treated like that (he may always have mood swings...but we have good times, too and I am trying to focus on those more now.
I became a fair weather wife there for a few months...and it was hard to respect myself...) So my love and respect for him is being renewed...I thought it was gone forever...but that wasn't true.
Not sure if any of this helped. But I think what you are feeling is normal. And it is not a relationship death sentence. It is just here to let you know that things could be better and perhaps you need to spend a little time defining the vision for your life so you can seek that with all your heart...and your H can be a part of that...if you're willing to let him. (D and R and both hard and gut wrenching...just in different ways I have to assume.)