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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any other FWS in this forum?

I had an A after nearly 2 years of battling H SA.

I'm afraid that part of the reason I fell so low as to have an A...was because I didn't properly handle my emotions about the SA.

Anyway, anybody?

[This message edited by sheltered at 8:23 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sheltered, I am FWS. You are not alone. Please read my profile. My H was porn addict and his sexual fantasy influenced me having 7 year long EMA. It was open book though, so I had no guilt and it make me weird to call H as FBH, but I wanted to spend more time with xOM during full blown EMA, so that makes me FWW.

H also had a bunch of collection and I thought it was common as a guy without knowing that he was addicted.

If he was looking at child porn, I would be leaving.

You can PM me anytime. Are you doing ok?

xoxo beach.

[This message edited by beach at 9:30 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
fadingaway
♀ New Member
Member # 14882
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a FWS. I had an A 8 years after I first found out about my x's first EMA. we went to counseling it didn't stop. he proceeded with internet women. Made me make bad choice to start an A myself which lasted til my divorce. we were married for 25 years. My EX has always looked at porn on internet, magazines he would say for the "articles". I wouldn't want him to touch me after his times, so that brought the endless circle to life. Not having sex with him so he would go elsewhere and I eventaully did the same. According to my ex MIL her H (my FIL) could NOT read or watch anything with nudity, but when I confronted her I guess its ok for her son to make me feel degraded by doing such things. My EX H even has our 18 year old daughter convinced its ok for men to look. I took the wrong path, left him and have always been a SAHM and have no job skills to land a desent paying job to support myself and am on depressants because my 23 year old son & daughter believe there father was not wrong. But I am condemed for an A. If I knew then where I'd be right now i would have dealt with his EMA's just to have my home and kids back.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: oregon
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one thing I can understand. Being married to a porn addict and dealing with it for decades. I told my WH I'm the one who should have had the affair.

My response to his addiction was to shut down. No sex drive at all. It wasn't intentional it just happened. After finding out about his A I lost myself (breakdown of sorts) and I allowed the porn. I was convinced I was beaten down so far I might as well join him. Didn't know there was a term called sex addiction so when we finally went to counseling I was so relieved to have that crap over with.

I've never been tempted to have an affair but this is one area I can relate to.

fadingaway. Do your kids know about his affair and all his porn? That's not fair that they only condemn you. You should tell them if they don't. I don't think they're being fair with you if they know about their fathers' activity.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
unsureofanything
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand having an A in response to a partner's SA. Just a couple of weeks ago, H and I went out to a birthday party where we saw a lot of old friends who we haven't seen in a long time. I was in the midst of a very, very angry phase with him, but I was acting quite passive aggressively towards him. I spent that entire evening running around the party, acting like I was single, having so much fun with friends. I also spent a good deal of the night talking to/flirting with a guy who I know has always had a thing for me. Honestly, if I had had a couple of more drinks, and the opportunity, I probably would have kissed the guy. I know it's wrong to react like that, but I think it's also completely normal.


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! That was me! Running around acting like I was single. Then I added some poorly thought out rationalizations...like, maybe I'll be able to forgive him if I just go ahead and do what I want.

But... I'm still mad...now I just feel like the bad guy, too.

Actually, I never could have anticipated all the emotions and despair that would result from becoming a WW. Saying it wasn't worth it is a maaaajor understatement!

((((unsure, beach, fading, pebbles))))...that's a group hug. Thought we could use one , today.

[This message edited by sheltered at 4:10 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
fadingaway
♀ New Member
Member # 14882
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pebbles, My 18year old daughter knows and thinks its ok for men to look because she has to lean towards my exH for living. My son has grown up knowing,and does the same thing.he's 23& married now,I've never really approaching my DIL on the topic because I have turned into a "prude" as my EX says. I am sure he drove me to it because the person I am seeing now is totally against anything like that. Doesn't go to bars in general and we enjoy each other intimatley. My ExH even made me have sex with him if our kids crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night, he didn't care if they were there or not! All the sexual bull was never mentioned because it was never talked about like we can do here. I wish I had found something like this before I turned to someone else and had to also put up with this treatment for so long.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: oregon
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H didn't just do porn though. Your kids should know about the EMA that he had.

They shouldn't be condemning just you. If they want to be upset they should be upset with you both. Besides as I told my younger son who knows about WH A, this is between his dad and I. His dad is still the great dad he had growing up.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sheltered for the hug.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((shelterd, pebbles, fading, and everyone here)))

sheltered, I also felt like I was acting like I was single, too.

Anyways, my H used to join yahoo porn club type place and posted my pics or lurking the cockhold/hotwives forum. After some stranger (out of state) stalked me over the internet, it scared the hell out of us. It put the stop the play on the net all together then. We learned the hard lesson.

A couple whom I met through swinger site, (xOM and I were talking about going to the swinger party - I was so messed up) and as I was talking with the wife, she told me that they met through internet (she was from overseas and he is from USA) and dated for 6 months then she moved to USA and got married, he was using her so he can go to the swing party, (because if a guy is single, usually they are not allowed to attend.) When he was home, he was chatting with other women online. He was emotionally abusive and she ranaway to local women's shelter. He was snappy, not focusing at work and depressing and somehow, his porn/sex addiction took over his life and was transferred to other states. I felt sorry for her, but I think she is getting back on her life now..

ETA: sorry, if this post offended anyone.

[This message edited by beach at 10:29 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
unsureofanything
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! We have progress!!!!

Therapy is proving to be a good thing for my H. He's only been in it for about 5 weeks now, but it's really helping. He's taking it very seriously and talks to me about many of the things he is working on.

Then yesterday, he called me out of the blue and apologized for his actions at a party we went to a coupe of weeks ago. During that party, I was being very social and having a great time (the same party I mentioned in my previous post - I was flirting, but did nothing inappropriate). I was certainly rebelling against him (mostly just wanted to do my own thing for an evening, which is not unusual for us when we go out with friends), but I didn't do anything wrong, AT ALL. I was just having fun. He got totally drunk, and after he fell down in the street (yes, lovely), he turned into angry drunk guy and spent the rest of the night trying to fight with me. It was totally embarrassing. He and I fought about it for days afterwards. We finally resolved it, but it was in a "lets agree to disagree" way.

Well, I guess he discussed it in therapy again this week. It was a big issue for him, he was really mad that I was having so much fun and "ignoring" him, which I was NOT, I was simply socializing independently. So anyway, he discusses it in therapy and realizes that he was totally wrong, that I did nothing wrong, and he was wrong wrong wrong for acting the way he did. He #1) drank too much, #2) reacted out of his deep abandonment issues and was angry with me for "abandoning" him at the party, which I did no such thing. He told me his therapist asked him, "So how do you think things would have been different if you had not drank so much and simply walked up to your wife during the party and asked her to dance with you, told her you wanted to spend time with her?" He told me he realized how he made a huge issue out of nothing, and if he had acted differently, there would have been no issue and he's so sorry.

This is HUGE!!!!! My husband is NOT big on apologizing. It takes a lot for him to do that, so I know his mindset is changing.

Sooooooo encouraging. Couple this with the fact that I started IC this week, I am daring to feel positive and hopeful.

[This message edited by unsureofanything at 10:14 PM, June 15th (Friday)]


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!! Unsure, that is great. And, hooray for IC too.

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great news, unsure.

Thanks for the update.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles, your story is very similar to mine. I shut down after decades of marriage and finding his porn stash periodically. After a certain time, he developed ED and was unable to ejaculate when he was able to 'perform'. We just assumed it came with the aging process, but now we both realize that the inability to perform with your partner is common with sex addicts. I mean, when you masturbate on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day, how can you sustain an erection and complete the act with 'real' sex. He even had a difficult time with me after taking Viagra. His inability to 'respond' to me had a huge impact on my self-esteem. Every time just wore a little more away from my sense of self-worth. I felt totally undesirable. So I started fantasizing about other men who really loved me and were terrific lovers. Sometimes I would watch some of his porn DVDs, look at porn on the 'net, yada, yada. It made me feel disgusting. I never even considered a real life affair. And I shut down with him, wanting no intimacy, whatsoever. It was even difficult to kiss him more deeply than a quick peck on the mouth.

Then after his heart attack a couple years ago, he became so needy (depressed big time..I'd find him crying a lot) and he so wanted intimacy. I just couldn't respond. I asked him to give me some time. I was also dealing with finding out our son had been molested when he was younger by another boy and that added to my distaste for sex. Well he didn't wait for me. He went on Adult Friend Finders, found one ONS and then another woman (2nd ONS) who introduced him to Paltalk....after she dumped him for another lost soul on the internet (after the sex with my husband, of course). There he found another woman, with whom he had a 4 month affair. I find it rather rich that this narcassistic, needy man went looking for love and found a more narcissistic woman, who became so demanding and made his life miserable.

But in order to perform with these women, he had to double dose on meds. He'd take a Cialis (long-acting) 4 to 6 hours in advance of the act, and then a Viagra a couple of hours later. As a heart patient, he is so darn lucky he did not die. I asked him what he thought it would do to me if he had died at her place. He said he was so narcissistic, he never thought of it. I asked him if his lover ever encouraged him not to take so many pills for fear of negative side effects. After all, she told me she cared for him and his welfare more than I did.

Interestingly, the few times we had 'hysterical' sex soon after D-Day, he did not need meds. Go figure!

Anyway, at this point we are not having sex, for a couple of reasons. One is that he needs to remain celibate for some time, as he deals with 'getting clean' from decades of porn. Also, althoug he got tested for most STDs soon after D-Day, he is hesitating on the HIV test. One of our friends is head of the lab here and he's petrified she will find out. I've left it alone. The choice is his. He has to realize who is more important here. He'll come around, I'm sure. He is doing very well. Patrick Carnes books, the IC and the MC has had a profound effect on him.

Man, life is difficult, non?


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has never had a problem with ED. The problem is he has no off switch.

He never rejected me.

What happened was I consider porn a form of cheating. Not to the degree of an A. But I've had many, MANY Ddays of finding out about the porn after he said he stopped. This was before he started therapy and the A.

If I were a man I would have ED. If I even have the slightest feeling to be intimate with him it disappears as soon as I see him looking over another woman. This is why I'm in EMDR to try and desensitize me to this.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 17th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has remained 'clean' for some time now (weeks/months). He does slip on occasion but confesses (to me and/or in MC/IC) when he does. He has been a porn addict for decades now, and finds it very difficult to refrain. He says he literally feels physical withdrawal. He is not one to take medication, but at times his anxiety (not usually the anxious type,btw)is so overwhelming, he asks if he can take one of my anti-anxiety meds. I rarely use them these days, but have had them on hand since D-Day last year. It works quite well for him, so he wants to use it very sparingly.

I suspect most people have no concept of how addictive porn etc. can be. They tend not to think of it in the same category as alcohol, gambling and drug addiction. I knew I had no idea of how strong it was until D-Day forced him/us to deal with it with abstinence.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

In response to the FWS question, I was unfaithful in my first marriage. I was married to a sex addict and experienced sexual anorexia in my marriage. I felt very lonely in that relationship and dealt with it in a way I am not proud of. My affair partner is my current H, also a sex addict (hmm, I am noticing a trend here) and I felt that I excited him sexually where I had "failed" with my husband. Not my failure, but I didn't know sex addiction had a name at the time and I blamed myself. Sometimes I wonder if my H's sex addiction is my punishment for that affair, but when I am sane, I know that's not true. I am not being punished, I just need to recover so that I am no longer attracted to unhealthy people.

It's been about 2 months since I last posted, and my H says he has been sexually sober for 5 months. It seems that the hysterical bonding period is over and now everyday life is setting in. My H has been short of temper lately and is not half as loving or as understanding as he used to be when I distrust him or feel hurt by his affairs. He says he is going to work on changing his attitudes and I hope the change is consistent over time. I am finding that it is hard to believe he loves me and will stay faithful when he loses his temper or acts selfishly... it just makes me wonder if he is really changing as he says. We have noticed a trend that often, when he acts selfishly, it is because he is overwhelmed by anxiety.

Recently I asked myself "why do I love him?" and I couldn't think of anything. So, that led me to ask "Do I love him?" and I couldn't honestly answer that either. I must, because I still want to see us recover and successfully reconcile, but I am just emotionally numb. I don't feel the love...that's not like me. Usually, a person can beat on me emotionally all they want and I will still love them. I wonder if this is a stage many couples in recovery go through, or if I am losing love. Does anyone have a perspective on this?


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are some pretty deep questions Jessjane.

Looks like you have some soul searching ahead of you...you're the only one who truly knows how you're feeling.

But, I justed wanted to let you know that I relate! My H used to ask me what I loved about him/ what was my favorite thing...and my answer was always that he loved me. Not that he is funny and intelligent or any of the 100's of other qualities that I love about him. At the time, those "other" things were overshadowed...I couldn't think of them.

After my A, I went through a really rough period where I thought all the same questions you are asking now. My answers were often either vague or negative.

So compound those thoughts with the mess my A made...and you had one girl that wanted to run the hell away. But for some reason...I just couldn't! I wasn't in tune enough with myself at the time to know why ...but I decided to take it one day at a time.

After a lot of introspection and IC I realized that I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted a healthy, happy relationship...and I wanted that with my current partner. Now, as I am dealing with myself and working on creating the life I want...the reasons why I love my husband are flooding back. I had to get out of the negative mindset (which is not easy). I had to stop taking every bad interaction as a sign that we would be better off apart. I had to give my H permission to be a moody A-hole sometimes without me applying that to his whole person and assuming that choosing him was choosing to always be treated like that (he may always have mood swings...but we have good times, too and I am trying to focus on those more now.
I became a fair weather wife there for a few months...and it was hard to respect myself...) So my love and respect for him is being renewed...I thought it was gone forever...but that wasn't true.

Not sure if any of this helped. But I think what you are feeling is normal. And it is not a relationship death sentence. It is just here to let you know that things could be better and perhaps you need to spend a little time defining the vision for your life so you can seek that with all your heart...and your H can be a part of that...if you're willing to let him. (D and R and both hard and gut wrenching...just in different ways I have to assume.)


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 21st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I can definitely relate to wanting to run the hell away and somehow taking it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, Sheltered.


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
unforgetting
♀ New Member
Member # 14785
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a new member to this site - and am thrilled it is available to those going through this with a SA spouse. My H & I are going through IC each, specialized SA couselling at a clinic for him as well. DD day for me was through cell phone records where I discovered 2 years of his calling his "massage therapist" to masterbate him weekly while he was not working (he's still unemplyed". He also had her "Crystal" on his cell speed dial. Newspaper clipings of "young 29 year olds" which he also visted once or twice - not for sex - but massage and "a happy ending"... I am not 29, but I turn most mens heads when I enter a room...I am educated with an MBA, am what they consider to be a blond bombshell - superwoman around the house - make high 6 figure salary - all this was not enough to bring out the best in my man. Porn was.
After reading all the links above, there were a number of big "aha's" - traits of commonality, and alot is coming to light for me:
- when we first were dating, my friends had known my H - often called him a "loner" - I found this intriguing, and he was gorgeous of course.the hardest thing was getting him to eventually say "I love you". I had grown up in a healthy loving European family where lots of hugs. kisses & "I love you's was very normal.
For the last 20 years,my husband would rather have his teeth pulled than say these 3 words. On special occassion cards he would say "Luv" from...not "love from". What I am now seeing as a point of commonality is this "emotional void" - no wonder these guys have sex with pictures & computers - they are incapable of the emotional attachment needed ina healthy relationship.
Since DDay, we had a whirl-wind sex reawakening where he would affirm how happy he was etc...yes - happy with the sex - but again no emotional attachment. I would say "I love you" - he would say "thank you".
So here are the common elements I am seeing now clearly:
- issues with emotional relationship - no issue with sex for sex
- depression
-unemployment - too much time on his hands - lack of passion in career, other interests
- obsessions with women's feet in porn (the doctors say it probably has to do with abandonment/detatchment from his mother at the baby stage)
-selfishness
I could go on & on, but it is unfortunate when two different types of people (opposites attract) get together. I always said "I have enough love for both of us.." so I didnt need to hear those key words. Now with my children I teach hugs, kisses, good-nights, kisses good-nights - everything we dont have, yet he thinks he's in relationship.
Anyhow - pls keep posting on this site - it has provided great insight and by sharing we can learn and ensure we're not blaming ourselves for voids in others lives.
I am continuing to support hime through this learning - I too agree the Carns literature & learning will be invaluable going forward. Look forward to heating more from the group & supporting one another.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Toronto
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