Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momof32007,

Listen to 7years and jessjane and now me. Remind yourself daily of the support for partners of Sex Addicts 12 step program:

I did not cause it.
I cannot cure it.
It is NOT my fault.

I was married almost 31 years before my husband crossed the line. Like your husband, he started with AFF and that progressed to PalTalk. He had two one night stands and then a four month affair. When he initially hinted at my contribution to this, I felt the same sort of guilt. But you know what? I could not bring myself to have sex with him anymore. He could not perform with me no matter how much he tried. Each time, it wore away at my self-esteem. I thought it was me. So to protect myself, I stopped having sex with him, using every excuse in the book. He used that to justify taking his porn addiction to the next level. He had to double dose on Cialis and Viagra to 'get up' for all his encounters. When you are a compulsive masturbator, it's very difficult to match the stimulation you get from 'self-pleasurement'.

Anyway, as the other ladies said, do NOT let him blame you for any of this. It's his problem, his sickness....

Hugs.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I had an argument with H over this. I told him that I didn't cause him to cheat he chose to do it. He's trying to solve his addiction and I'm proud of him for it, however, I've been reminded of these past issues so much already I'm starting to believe our relationship is too tainted for us R. I just gave birth 3 weeks ago, so I can't make a decision now, I just hope my desire to R comes back because I feel very miserable now. I've contemplated suicide for the past week but my religious convictions are what keep me from going through with that.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are truly thinking of suicide please seek professional help immediately! Your children need you.

Has your husband starting counseling for his addiction? If so his counselor should be setting him straight about blame shifting, if the counselor is not or is unaware that your husband is mentally abusing you, you need to let the counselor know. If the counselor is aware of this and not telling your husband to knock it off, your husband needs a different counselor.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I said, it's my religious convictions what keep me from doing that. Yes, my husband has started counseling. He's attending Sex A.A. meetings, that's a Christian support group similar to A.A. He's sworn to secrecy as to what goes on in those meetings and that doesn't bother me as long as he's seeking help. H told me the reason he's been acting like a jerk lately is because we can't have sex for a while and he can't get any release except through masturbation. It's been over 3 weeks since the last time he looked at porn and that's been the longest he's ever been in his life without backsliding. He did apologize for acting like that and is asking me to try to bear with him in this situation. I've opened up to on of the women at our former church. She's been helping other young women for 31 years. At the hospital they referred me to people who could help at this time but I hate government assistance. It's bad enough I have to rely on them for medical assistance for my kids.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 4:56 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can't get any release except through masturbation.

Well, there's part of the problem right there. SAA allows masturbation and quite frankly that's like telling an alcoholic that it's ok to drink. He's still acting out. He's still getting "high" but it's not enough so he's frustrated because he wants MORE than just masturbation. It's a slippery slope. It also allows him to continue to avoid true intimacy with you as long as he can act out alone.

My FWH says that many, many men chose SAA for this very reason, they know they can get away with not really getting sober.

You really need to ask yourself if it's ok with you to know that your husband, under the guise of getting counseling is still acting out. It's up to you to decide what your boundaries are.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am very sleepy & exhausted so have only read a few posts here, but was wondering what you folks think of Patrick Carnes ("Out of the Shadows", "Don't Call it Love", etc.) and particularly his latest work book? Thnx.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Patrick Carnes is the expert on SA. My FWH's IC and group therapy is all based on Carnes' work. His counselor had him read "Out of the Shadows" and their group is doing the workbook "Facing the Shadow"

I don't think my FWH would be as far into recovery and he certainly wouldn't be fully sexually sober if he wasn't in a program based on Carnes.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:42 AM, August 2nd (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, I have no problem with masturbation. I'm not a man, however, knowing that men are more sexual beings, they should at least do that much for release. As long as he's not looking at porn, that's fine. He hasn't cracked and looked at it in over 3 weeks and even 3 weeks ago it had already been 2 weeks since he last looked at it. We are having intimacy, we're basically going all the way without going all the way, so to speak... Of course he'll stil be frustrated. He has more issues to deal with than just his addiction and I'm hoping and praying he gets help for those other issues as well. I'm just extremely depressed because due to his frustrations he can't stop reminding me of his reasons for ending up cheating on me. My MIL has been staying with us for the past 3 weeks since my babies were born and I have to constantly hide my true emotions around her even though I love her and I trust her more than my own mother. Even though I have suicidal thoughts that my faith doesn't allow me to act out on, I'd like to call that suicide hotline listed in the healing library but since my parents pay for my cell phone, I'm afraid that number will appear on their bill and they'll get suspicious. It's opening up here that's getting me through the day.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, That is a GREAT/BRILLIANT WORKBOOK!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree,

My H says that his SA group does not allow any sexual behaviour outside of the marital (common-law etc.) relationship. As a SA, he says he must avoid all slippery behaviours...that is, behaviours that can lead him down the garden path to porn and infidelity. My H has been very clear that masturbation is a slippery behaviour for him. Were he to do it, even without porn, he would consider himself not sober. The idea is that he gets a little sex drunk off the masturbation, for example, and then is more likely to get drunk off of more intense sexual highs, like his bottom line behaviours.

Another thing I have read, I believe it is in all the Carnes literature, is that SA also affects the body...there is a physical addiction to the pleasure chemicals released by the brain when the SA acts out. For this reason, Carnes, and also the SA group my H attends, recommends the addict have a period of sexual abstinence, even from his W or partner. My H and I did this for 2 months in the beginning, and he has been sober now for nearly 7 months. He used to complain and harass me for sex all the time too (prior to D-day), but that is not respectful and IMHO still falls under the category of acting out. A healthy H will respect a W's decision to have/not to have sex..."sex is an option" is what we say in my S-Anon group. Also, sex is not so the H can have a release...that is what many addicts have used it for. Sex, again IMHO, is a wonderful way to have physical intimacy and bonding when emotional intimacy is already present.

About suicidal thoughts: I have experienced that too, in my R with my H, especially during the first 5 months. Hang in there...it will get better. If you feel you are in danger, please tell a doctor or go to the hospital to get support. You are worth it! You are.

[This message edited by jessjane at 2:13 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, I have no problem with masturbation.

Sadly, you are enabling your husband in his addiction. I hope you get some help for your co-addiction. A co-addict enables the addict and that is precisely what you are doing.

I wish you luck.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jessjane,
Yes, my FWH went through physical withdrawal symtoms as well as emotional ones when he became sober. He is a different person now that he's been sober for almost a year. I am so proud of the hard work he has done and feel very fortunate that he was willing to go the Carnes route and not take the easy out with SAA. FWH has discussed it with his IC and apparently the recidivism rate among SAA members is dramatically higher than those who go through SA or programs based on Carnes work, at least in his experience with his clients. I think it's so sad that there is an organization out there promising hope and then undermining the entire process by allowing bottom line behavior.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
shattered life
♀ Member
Member # 15575
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am just in the beginning of this hellish journey. I just learned about my husbandís numerous affairs and ONSís Sunday evening. Heís been out of the house since. Iím leaving on Saturday to go Ĺ across the US to stay with family for an undetermined amount of time. Though he says heís sorry and is willing to get counseling, I donít see much hope Ė I donít know if Iíll ever trust again.

I learned he had a problem with porn in college. In retrospect, I guess we had a D day then, though I didnít realize it. He went to A (singular) counseling session (so he says), and reported to me that the counselor told him it was normal. I was naive, engaged, and I guess, stupid, because he convinced me that it was indeed normal (although not advisable), and managed to convince me keep it a secret for him. We got married, he promised he had quit. Iíve always been suspicious, but heís always been a good actor, apparently. When I questioned, he always had a good answer and he covered up his tracks well. I believed him.

Spring í06 we were in marriage counseling as a requirement for his ordination in the church. I was naive enough to think that our marriage was strong. Though his past secret was still bothering me, he convinced me not to bring it up to the MC. Like a lost puppy dog, I followed his lead Ė it wasnít brought up. He got a stamp of approval from the counselor and got one step further to ordination.

This week, I learn that the porn addiction that he promised me (several times over the years) was over, really wasnít - itís been ongoing throughout our marriage (five years). To top it all off, now I learn that there has been at least one EA over the internet with nude pictures, loads of porn, lots of internet and phone sex IN ADDITION to numerous (He put his estimate somewhere in the 30-50 range, but that number keeps getting larger every time I ask.) ONS with women answering his hundreds of sex ads on Craigslist that he's been posting since the first year of our marriage. All of this was going on WHILE WE WERE IN MC and while he was working at a church AS A PASTOR.

First of all, I feel like a gullible idiot Ė how did I not ever find out? How did he hide this from me for so long? How did he convince me to keep his (what I thought was a one-time thing) porn addiction a secret? How did it escalate this much?

Secondly, am I an idiot for leaving and not giving him a chance to R? Iím not filing any divorce papers right now and donít forsee it in the next few months, but I feel the pit in my stomach that says it will eventually happen. If so, I didnít choose divorce; divorce chose me.

I am shocked to see so many of you who have stuck it out with your WS and some have even come out of this with a stronger marriage. I love the man that I thought he was Ė Iím just not sure who he is anymore. I donít want to give up too soon, but I donít know if Iíll be able to trust him again.

Is separating right now (within a week of D day) too soon?


Me: BW (27)
Him: WH (27) Sex Addict & Narcissist
D-Day #1 - Spring, 2002
D-Day #2 - July 29, 2007
Happily married for 5 years (but it was all a lie apparently)

Getting the hell away from him.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2007
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shattered life,
wow we could be twins except for the minister part. I wanted to send you a Private Message but you must have it disabled. If you'd like to talk, feel free to PM me. My FWH did all the same things and had 40 different partners over the entire couse of our relationship (7 years at that time)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

As for leaving him...everyone's situation is different. My decision to stay was based on my circumstances. Your circumstances may be different. I'd be happy to "talk" with you though if you need to. I'm so sorry for your pain.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Question  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for you all but this doesn't get all that much traffic. Please see my post in General. Here is a link.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=180703


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't agree with not allowing my H to masturbate. Unlike drugs and alcohol, sexual desire is natural. I can't keep him from doing that if I wanted to because there's definitely nothing keeping him from doing that when he's away from me. This Sunday it'll be 4 weeks since he last looked at porn. I'm very proud of him for that.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlike drugs and alcohol, sexual desire is natural.

momofthree2007,
Yes it is...IN NORMAL PEOPLE. Your husband is NOT normal. His brain is broken. His behavior is not normal. He is an addict. He is compulsive. As long as he's compulsively masturbating he is feeding his addiction. The fact that he is unwilling or unable to stop masturbating is a huge red flag. If he is masturbating every day and/or multiple times a day, he is compulsively masturbating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape, and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.

Sexual addiction can be understood by comparing it to other types of addictions. Individuals addicted to alcohol or other drugs, for example, develop a relationship with their "chemical(s) of choice" -- a relationship that takes precedence over any and all other aspects of their lives. Addicts find they need drugs merely to feel normal

In sexual addiction, a parallel situation exists. Sex -- like food or drugs in other addictions -- provides the "high" and addicts become dependent on this sexual high to feel normal. They substitute unhealthy relationships for healthy ones. They opt for temporary pleasure (MASTURBATION) rather than the deeper qualities of "normal" intimate relationships.

Sexual addiction follows the same progressive nature of other addictions. Sexual addicts struggle to control their behaviors, and experience despair over their constant failure to do so. Their loss of self-esteem grows, fueling the need to escape even further into their addictive behaviors. A sense of powerlessness pervades the lives of addicts.

While an actual diagnosis for sexual addiction should be carried out by a mental health professional, the following behavior patterns can indicate the presence of sexual addiction. Individuals who see any of these patterns in their own life, or in the life of someone they care about, should seek professional help.

1. Acting out., a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior Examples may include:

* Compulsive masturbation
* Indulging in pornography
* Having chronic affairs
* Exhibitionism
* Dangerous sexual practices
* Prostitution
* Anonymous sex
* Compulsive sexual episodes
* Voyeurism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All the information between the ~~~~~~'s is from http://www.sexhelp.com/sa_q_and_a.cfm

Educate yourself. I'm not saying you need to tell him to stop masturbating, I'm just telling you that as long as he is compulsively masturbating he is NOT in recovery. And as long as you have the attitude you do about it, you're enabling his addiction. I do wish you luck in this journey. I won't address this with you again, I've given you all the advice I can. I do hope this post is helpful to you and others.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of excellent info here. Patrick Carnes also ahs a book for the victim of the SA called Beyond Betrayal - really helpful toward your healing.

I don't sign in much anymore - life story is in my profile. After 2 1/2 years of dealing with SA, NPD, etc, I am finally done. I filed for divorce last week and am now looking forward to a fresh start without him dragging me down into his pit of filth, perversion and abuse.

Be strong and take care of yourselves! You can't control the SA but you can control what you think, learn, plan and do.

I'm looking forward to feeling happy again.

(edited typos! )

[This message edited by discombobulated at 4:59 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dis, I'm glad you found your path. You sound happy and that is a very good thing!

I think that I am very lucky that my FWH is not NPD, if he were I would not be able to stay. He has his moments, believe me, but he is truly working his program and really doing well. I can't imagine dealing with both SA and NPD and I know it happens all too frequently.

I wish you all the best in your new life!

7

ETA: dis, I went to look up the book you recommended but couldn't find it. I did find "The Betayal Bond" is that the one you meant?

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 4:58 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, 7! I've learned so much in the past 2 1/2 years. Much of that newfound wisdom came from my dear friends at SI. I think I would have gone around the bend without the knowledge, support and friendship I found right here.

Most people just can't grasp what SA is all about and it's devastating effects.

But here there is acceptance and a wide variety of experience to learn from.

Thanks, everyone!!!! I;m gonna be fine - and my boys are too!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.