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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you please tell me how you ended up knowing for sure that your spouse was a sex addict?

The more I learn of my WH's affair, online chatting (sexually) with other women, and viewing porn online, the more I think he has a problem, but I don't know.

His dissatisfaction in our marriage seems to focus A LOT on sex...especially the amount of it or lack of it. When the timing isn't what he wants (like last year when I was very ill), he goes looking to play with anonymous women online.

It's been going on for 5-7 years now, and last year ended up turning into a LT-emotional affair with a woman he's never even met.

They chatted sexually online, sent emails, did phone sex, she sent him a picture of her with a sex toy in her mouth with the caption "wish it were you..." and they even went to "sexual position" websites to fantasize about the ones they wanted to try with each other.

Now, he tells me that what he truly likes about sexual interaction is the intimacy...the closeness. Yet all his escapades with the online women is really nothing more than raw sex. (except for his affair--that got very serious emotionally.)

There are other things about our marriage that he's not happy about it, but sex seems to be number one. I have asked him repeatedly if he thinks he has a problem, and he always says no.

Given your own experiences, do you think this all sounds like a problem? Or am I overreacting?

Do you have any good resources that could help me with this?

Thanks!!


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like it. Male sex addicts tend to complain about the lack of sex in their marriage and blame the wife. They often approach the wife when they know she is not capable, willing or 'in the mood'.

This might help.

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/sex-addiction-masturbation-pornography_03.html

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 7:17 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
sweets2u
Member
Member # 2409
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They often approach the wife when they know she is not capable, willing or 'in the mood'.
Oh boy do I relate to that. Although I was often wore out from doing "it all",the lawn,the 4 kids,sports,repairs ect.,it seems he would often "try" when I was completely exhausted.


With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Me: BS
Bubba WS,SA

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Oct 2003
sweets2u
Member
Member # 2409
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager,
I'd like some input on telling children about the SA. My kids are 16, 14 and 12 1/2.
That's a hard one. I use the rule-don't lie to them, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my 12 year old knowing her Dad is SA. Kids tell, and the repercussions of other kids and parents knowing would be a lot of trouble. Without understanding Sexual Addiction (and there ALOT to understand)-I wouldn't want them to know. My older children have a good understanding because I've educated them. My younger daughter knew Dad went to counseling and that he caused problems that effected Mom's behavior (sometimes angry at Dad, depressed ect). She needed to know that it had nothing to do with her. I guess what I'm saying is: It's your call,you know them best,and all situations are different.
I am so glad that my husband took it upon himself to tell the older children that it was his fault. I know to them I looked like the ogre, I was the angry one,while Dad was his normal,happy laid-back self. I was the one spending lots of time by myself,didn't want to do anything,slept too much ect. I looked like the bad guy that was upsetting the apple cart.


With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Me: BS
Bubba WS,SA

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Oct 2003
tryingtorecover
♀ New Member
Member # 14192
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I look into this topic, the more I think My STBXH is addicted.. Internet chatting, text messaging, sending/receiving dirty pictures, porn, and then multiple "relationships" with women over the phone/in person. He won't admit to actually sleeping w/anyone, but I'm not stupid. Also, we have been sepearted for months now, and by checking his email I have found out he has slept w/at least 3 women in that time and constantly emailing others asking for chat/pics. He now wants to work on us and try to reconcile... what are your thoughts?

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Midwest
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been able to make the decision to leave.

I don't know if it's my married for life beliefs or I love him enough to try and get through this.

I think that if I made the decision to leave and did leave I would not go back to what I have had to deal with for 30 years.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on how to get someone help for this if they don't believe there is a problem?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told by my counselor after I described what's been going on.

I had never heard of this problem before. All those years I thought I was so jealous.

WH didn't believe it either until he started counseling.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
not4me
♀ Member
Member # 3089
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a wonderful thread, thank you for starting it! OK, here are the answers to Uni's questions below.

1. WH has been a porn addict by his own admission since histeens. I never knew, the discovery of his porn stash was first D-day about 5 yrs.ago. We had been married almost 20 yrs. WH doesn't do anything to deal with the addiction--says he doesn't need to.

2. Acts-out using any type of porn;has visited adult book store video booths; masturbates to lingerie catalogs. Told me "I am very curious about other women's bodies." Likes much younger women. Had at least an EA with co-worker. I am vigilant all of the time, and it sucks, but I won't let him trick me again.

3.I believe so but I can't catch him. However, he swears he is done with porn. We'll see!

4.Yes, 2 sons, ages 24 and 19.

5.Desperation brought me here--felt like I was going crazy because of WH blaming, re-writing history and gaslighting. This site made me realize I wasn't alone!

6. WH refusal to admit that he has a problem in the first place! Told me that I was the one who needed counseling, not him, "since you're the one who's having a problem over what I did." Also the changing nature of his stories; the "don't remember, I don't knows";the half-truths;initially putting all of the blame on me, etc. etc.

7. Oh my God, YES!!! We were the ENVY of everyone who knew us. This is why it was all so devastating for me, I was totally blindsided, and the person WH was revealed to be has crushed my soul when I think back to the way it was for us before all of this was discovered.

8. Married and patiently trying to R. But there may come a day when I have had enough--I'm just not there yet. Almost 30 yrs. with WH is a lot to think about as you have your hand on the "flush" handle!


"I've looked at life from both sides now." Judy Collins

Posts: 463 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: PA
wendy e
♀ Member
Member # 7138
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What to do if the spouse doesn't recgognize he is one yet all the signs are there--such as nonstop porn sites, registering on adult sites as either single or wife approves of solo play (uh I don't think so). He calls me the uptight abnormal one. That sex is just sex. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who has these issues and support is here


Unfortunately, I'm back after a three year reconciliation and it doesn't feel good.

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2005 | From: wisconsin
goddess
♀ Member
Member # 8950
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to me about sex addicts. How do I KNOW that WS is one???? Signs and symptons??? He visited a prostitute ONCE. He is addicted to porn, THAT is for sure....what else???? I need help and guidance.


Two D-Days: 11/21/05; 4/1/07
Me: 36
Kids: 7 years, 2 years, 1 year

Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Chicago Burbs
lucie
♀ Member
Member # 6773
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Ex-husband (oh how I love to see those words now!) had been a porn freak long before I knew him. I questioned his porn collection which he had tried to hide from me. He told me all guys were into porn, they just hid it and I believed him. It used to really bother me but I thought it was because I was young (17) and immature. His porn collection grew and grew, once we bought a computer it just got worse. He had at least one EA with some girl that he met online. I found a video that he had made of us having sex, he asked to tape us and I didn't want to, so he hid the camera and taped it w/o my knowledge. I was angry and hurt and as usual he made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. He was always pushing for more and more sex, nothing was ever enough. He would want to try new things and push until I relented and did what he wanted. Sometimes I would cry after, because it hurt physically or because I was upset that I had given in yet again. It never bothered him, he was not phased by anything.

I had nothing to compare him to, I thought this was normal. It was not until he ran off with a stripper (he was a frequent flier at strip clubs but as far as I know this was the only PA) that his friends started commenting on his porn addiction.

I switched IC's a few months after dday and happened upon one who specialized in addictions. His area of experise is sexual addiction, though I didn't know until after I had been to a few sessions. At my first session he asked about our relationship and history. At the end of the session he asked if EH had a problem with drugs or alcohol. At the end of the 2nd session he asked again about the drugs and alcohol and I again told him that he didn't have a problem with either. My 3rd session I opened up a bit more about our sex life and his porn addiction. IC found the source of the addictive behavior I had been describing. He gave me a questionnaire that was intended to be filled out by the SA. It was a list of 20 yes/no questions and I answered only the ones I knew first hand to be true, there were several that I strongly suspected to be true for him. I answered 'yes' to 10 out of 20-yes to 1-3 indicated a sexual addiction.


Ahhhh.....finally so much of our life/relationship made sense. I was not over-reacting, I was not asking for too much. He is the one with the problem not me.

Looking back, there were many flags that I ignored. He has a serious problem that has existed since childhood. Until he acknowledges that he has a problem (never going to happen) he is not capable of having any type of healthy relationship. I am grateful that this happened now and not 30 years from now. I wasted 18 years too many being lied to.


Very happy, the rest doesn't matter anymore.

Posts: 5778 | Registered: Mar 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahhh, lucie, soon I'll be able to see 'exhusband', too...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Question  Posted: 1:06 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else get really paranoid because their SA partner isn't slipping or acting out?

I might be losing my mind here. My FWH has been sexually sober since August. No slips. He hasn't maturbated at all. No porn. Nothing.

It's making me a little crazy and paranoid. I've done so much research and the recidivism rate is so high in SA that I'm just stunned at how well he's doing. I keep expecting a slip and nothing is happening. It's so bizarre to me to think that I'm feeling crazy because he's NOT acting out and that I would feel better and know how to cope if he were. That's just all kinds of F'd up.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS says he's not doing the porn anymore either.

In counseling he has realized that doing the porn hurts both of us. He didn't know what he was doing is wrong.

He also thought that I was just some jealous person.
The counseling has really made an impact on him.

Because of the porn and then the A I'm being treated for PTSD using EMDR. If he so much as looks at another woman I have a huge anxiety attack. I even have them if I think he's looking at a woman. Those shots of adrenaline feel like prickers in my blood and it makes me want to leave him.

I don't check up on him by looking on his computer. He has to want to stop the porn by himself. If by some chance I get that overwhelming feeling to check up on him and I find anything I will leave. I'm not spending the next 30 yrs battling this.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, been putting this off for a few weeks because I just needed a break I guess. Here's the breakdown on me and my H:

My H figures he's been a SA since he was between 14 and 18. I met him when we were 22, and definitely did not know. I knew he had been with a lot of women, but he said that lifestyle was behind him and I believed him...chalked it up to youthful horniness, I guess. Wish I had paid more attention to that sign.

My H and I sort of found out together about one week after D-day. After he told me about numerous A's which made him feel gross and disgusted, and which he said he kept trying to stop but couldn't, I did some research and found a test for SA. My H took it, and then confirmed the next day that he believed he had a SA problem. We've known for 5 months now.

My H attends a 12 step support group for his addiction and sees an IC. I attend a support group for spouses of SA, an IC, and we both go to MC. We are trying to R.

2. My H used to act out primarily with porn and masturbation. Typically in the spring he would become depressed and start placing ads or find another woman to act out with. He also engaged in internet sex with OW from his past

My H has installed blocker/behaviour verification software on his computer to which I created the password. I usually check up on him about once every two weeks, when I am going crazy and feel the need. So far so good. I also make sure to see official emails etc. of any meetings he needs to attend so that I know where he is and about how long he'll be gone. I do worry about him starting up other emails I don't know about, and wish I could verify that, but am not as computer savy as I would like to be. As for the other emails, he has given me the passwords, and I check about once a month. My H is good with it because he knows why I feel the need.

3. My H started recovery in December. He had one porn/masturbation slip in early Jan., and has reported being sober since. I feel proud of him, and thankful because his sobriety really helps our R!

4. We have no kids...but we are now talking about it for the distant future.

5. I found SI on the same day as I found the test for SA that my H took. I read a lot of the healing library articles which I then shared with my H. This helped me so much. I registered, but for some reason didn't get the password in my email. After 2 months of separation I moved home, re-registered and received the password right away. I was so happy to gain access to this resource. About a month after that, I found the thread for spouses of SA...I was surprised, and glad to have a thread where others could relate specifically to my situation.

6. The biggest barriers to R are:

we are both trying to adjust to his diagnoses of ADHD, Dissociative disorder, and depression, and how those disorders have contributed/still contribute to his addiction and our communication problems

the sheer volume, intensity, and duration of the A's and the inconceivable-ness of it all. This is worse than my worst nightmare...worse than any worst scenario I could have imagined. I find it so overwhelming.

my inability to understand how any affair that lasts 4 years and long distances could be just PA, no emotions, or how a person could find a stranger on the internet and have sex with them the next day, etc. What the heck? I can't wrap my mind around it enough to process it. It just doesn't make sense. Makes it hard for me to accept it as truth. I'm still looking to hear that there was more to it than that.

My tendency to blame myself...eg. I'm not sexy enough, interesting enough, etc.

Fear...that he's still lying, that the bottom line behaviours are inevitably going to happen again, etc. Plus, triggers are EVERYWHERE!

Deeply hidden, unresolved childhood abuse-related issues that will be, but are not yet being worked on. Waiting to open that one up when the dust settles a little.

7. No, looking back, I would say in hindsight that we did not have a good relationship. I have co-dependency issues, and my H was constantly detatched from his emotions and from me. I was doing all the work to keep us together, while he was playing video games and retreating into various degrees of unhealthy fantasy. We loved eachother, but had many arguments because H was always questioning/testing whether he loved me, and I put up with waaaaay to much crap from him. There were a few times when his story wasn't adding up (because he was cheating), but in my denial, I let it go...and chose instead to believe that I was crazy for imagining things, and that I was the untrusting wife. Of course, I had help with that.

We were growing apart more and more as the years went by. I stopped trying to involve him in things that interested me because I didn't want to get rejected anymore. We were like two separate people by the time D-day hit.

Still, at the time, we were planning on getting married (we're common law) for real, and I still felt very much in love with him. We have always had so much in common...interests, goals, etc. We have been eachother's main source of support, and best friend since being together. There would be periods where we were really connecting, and then the connection would just die and I couldn't reach him.

8. Our current status is that we are trying to R. I am fearful and hopful, grieving, and very glad to at least have a chance. I'm told SA is very hard to recover from (worse than cocaine apparently), so that worries me, but I'm here, and he seems all in. I feel that he is much more loving, and much more willing and committed than before. I hope it works out, but I know I need to keep focusing on my own recovery.


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
despondent
♂ Member
Member # 13361
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, I was wondering if I could get you to analyze me and my past behavior to see if I might be a SA.. I haven't ever thought I was until recently.

My FWW tells me her psychiatrist thinks I am. I have no idea what she has told him but I don't think she has embellished too much. I'll give you an idea if what my actions have been like over the past, oh... 20 years.

Like most men, I think, I like the attention of pretty women. I get a 'hi' from women that flirt with me and make me feel like I am desired. As far as I can remember, I've always liked it. But, I have never been one to really initiate things (I'm prety shy by nature). But surrounding all that, I can think of many times when, by the strict definition, I cheated on my GF/WW. What I mean is that I kissed some girls in college, took full advantage of what break-ups we did have before we got married (sex), and did the same when we were engaged. It wasn't something that happened all the time, but did happen.

When we were married I still enjoyed the attention of other woman and I guess I would lead them on. Once I knew I 'had' them that would be the end of the game.

The times when I cheated on my W started 6 years into our M. Some may know my story, but the first time was when I was away from her for a long time. 5 day EA that went PA at the end. Then I stopped.... but not my normal 'flirtatious' ways. One time I let that get away from me when a couple of friends and I went skinny dipping with a bacheleorette party. Some kissing was done but no sex. I then cheated on my W 3 times last year. First time was ONS that turned into a 2NS, then a 2 week EA. I brke that off b/c I didn't want a relationship.. OW got mad and called the house. I then had 2 more ONS's that stopped there, no EA.

I 'felt' like I had a epiphany about what I was doing last year and stopped. Then I found out about my WW's LTA.

I am trying to reign in my flirtatious ways, or rather, putting myself into situations where women will flirt with me. I am going to talk to my IC about this today, too.

So what do you guys think? Am I a SA?


Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: lost in the firmament
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome D!

Have you taken the SA online test yet? I'd suggest starting there. So why don't you do that & let us know what it says?

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=t&ie=UTF-8&rls=SNYI,SNYI:2005-28,SNYI:en&q=sex+addict+test


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
despondent
♂ Member
Member # 13361
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it seems that I have a low risk factor for being a SA. The things that tag me are the facts that I did have some ONS's and hid them from my W... until I told her about them. I have used pornography- internet and video- but alot of the time it is with my W to spice things up.. but have never owned any of it or looked at it excessively (1 or 2 times a year w/ internet and ocassionally w/ W in bedroom, harldy watch porn by myslef). I DO find myself looking at women alot, especially if they're pretty, but don't all guys?

I guess I have just been questioning myself lately because I did cheat on my W, I did like to flirt, I do get somewhat kinky in the bedroom with fantasies- but nothing wierd, and there is this psychiatrist that has now said he thinks I am a SA on more than one ocassion.

Also, I am starting to think I am less of one now b/c I talked to my IC about it. I DO have impulse control. I have been in Many situations where I could have cheated but I didn't.

Is there anything that I am missing? Just need reassurance, I guess. So much doubt in my mind about Everything lately.

[This message edited by despondent at 3:41 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: lost in the firmament
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The tricky thing about SA is that, from what I understand, the addict seems able to control the impulse for awhile, thus making him/her believe he/she does not really have a problem. I am told this phenomenon happens with alcoholism too. Still, a buildup of tension occurs and the addict eventually acts out sexually again.

Another key question to ask yourself is do you have sex as a way of coping with stress? That can be an indicator of SA.

My H is a SA, and he scored 7 on the test. He reports that sometimes, just a score of 1 is enough to be SA.

The clincher for him was that he creates fantasies in his mind that these sexual experiences are way beyond amazing, but in reality, he feels anxious and ashamed. An SA is generally someone who has tried to quit for good but couldn't.

You are doing a good thing by pursuing the truth about yourself. Good luck!


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
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