I've been reading through here about the feelings of betrayl when the use of pornography was discovered.
I was awfully close to telling some folks to get over it... but I think I understand now.
This is painful - but here goes. My wife started collecting books about bondage, S&M, domination several years ago. She never hid them, I finally asked her to put them someplace less obvious (concern about my daughter).
Then I discovered lots of S&M sex toys. They weren't being used - I mean they just sat in the same place all the time - even got dusty.
When I finally said - hey - WTF? I had really struggled because I thought - hey, it's not my thing - but I'm willing to try anything if it is her interest (I know co-dependent).
I basically said I was ready to try anything. She very clearly said that this was something of a fantasy and that she wasn't interested in sharing it with me. Basically, not with you.
Ok - painful story, but the question is this - Is that how y'all felt when you discovered the extensive porn use? Left out?
The porn use was so extensive that even tho I wasn't rejected I had to work hard to get him ready.
So having sex with him became a turn off because he was out of gas for me. He didn't want to do anything to get me going it was too much work.
He had enough to do the porn but not enough for me. So I felt like a turn off because he needed the porn. I finally gave up and let him have his separate sex life and just went cold.
What's ironic is he did the porn and masturbating because he says that's the lazy way to have sex. Yet when I stopped working on him he took that as my not loving him anymore and used that excuse to have the A.
WH and I are/were 3 years into R. On the first Dday (in '04) I accidentally came across a secret email account he had and found emails from women he was chatting with on AFF and AshleyMadison, I found really descriptive emails stating what he wanted to do to this one woman who lives close by, and how he can't wait till they finally meet. Then I found the email from after they met. I confronted him and we had a bunch of mini Ddays following that included him unloading all of his past affairs from when we were dating and engaged too. I also found a bunch (at least 5) of numbers of local girl's numbers that he tried to hide in the garbage a day after the first Dday.
He disclosed to me at home and in counselling that he masturbated about 10 times/day, used porn compulsively, all while he was supposed to be working in our home office (he is either at home working or away travelling when he works). He promised to stop...all of it, and we went to marriage counselling for a while. The counsellor told him that he needed to exercise impulse control, and yet never actually got into it with him. Instead, the sessions were directed at leveling the field for us b/c she felt I was being unfair to him and was holding too much power in the relationship. He now admits to manipulating the therapy sessions.
Forward three years later. I was starting to feel suspicious, but he gave me the usual "I swear I am not doing any of that anymore", so I believed him. I actually believed that I was being hypersensitive to everything and he let me believe that I was wrong in feeling suspicious.
I got suspicious (again) after he insisted that I go out shopping Friday morning, I got home and had a need to check his work computer.
His files were deleted for the entire day, but there were cookies for classified personals. I dug a little deeper and found that he was searching again for women in the cities he visits when away on business (he is in sales and travels a lot).
Here we go again...
I had already told him any of that behaviour was a deal breaker, but he is begging me to stay. Promises me that he will get proper treatment for SA, and will do anything for me to stay.
I don't know what to do. He knew that it was a deal breaker, and yet he put himself ahead of me and our four kids again.
I can honestly say that he is a good father, but I have lost any feelings of love/trust that I once had for him.
I'm scared and have no idea what to do. :( I feel trapped since I am a SAHM and don't have any income of my own. My kids adore their father, and I can't imagine what life would be like if I had to share my kids custody.
He wants me to stay long enough to see that he will get counselling for SA and for us to try and patch up the marriage.
Am I being duped again? My WH is a very skilled liar, and has no problem lying to me. The past three years have been hell...feeling sick every time he travels for fear that he is cheating again, checking his phone/computer/etc. I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I am physically ill from worrying about when he is going to slip up again.
*sigh* Sorry this is so long and rambling. I just finally found somewhere that I feel like I belong since I can't really relate to the LTA posts.
What are the chances that an SA can actually change enough to be in a successful marriage? I am skeptical. I don't even know if he is a SA or just a manipulative WH with NPD.
I don't know if I should cut my losses and run while I still have the chance, or stick it out with him and see what happens. I just don't know if I have the stomach to go through this again.
I guess I don't even really have a question. Just feeling lost, scared and hopeless.
[This message edited by broken_heart at 1:42 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]
If you decide to give him this chance, make sure his counselor specializes in SA. He won't be able to manipulate a good counselor.
Your previous MC was wrong. You have done nothing wrong as far as his A's and SA goes. This leveling of the field was a bunch of crap. You have good reason to be angry and upset before and now.
Any porn, soft or hard is a deal breaker for me now that my WH is in counseling.
What you do now is up to you.
He needs to get counseling no matter what.
If he's willing to get real treatment... I'm still in a place where I would try it. I agree with the others though that it has to be someone who understands the situation.
We went through 7 MCs- everyone of them "fired" us because my wife would not participate - she just sat there. I also had a counsellor (who supposedly specializes in sexual therapy needs) tell me that I was just too much and that I needed to learn to breathe. Lol, yeah that helps.
Beware the manipulation.
I really value the advice you have given me, and I'm going to stick it out and see what therapy brings. I just ordered a bunch of books, including the ones suggested (Patrick Carnes).
It sucks to be here, and I'm sorry you're all here too, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.
MC and IC told me to get back into my life and diversify so that my H is not my life like he has been since D-day.
Today I start a new job, and my H goes back to school full time. It's back to "normal" life and we won't see eachother for most of the day. I hope he will stay sober and I hope that I will be able to find peace of mind.
I am feeling scared, but hopeful.
[This message edited by jessjane at 8:49 AM, September 10th (Monday)]
I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.
jessjane -- good luck with all the changes. Scary, I'm sure. But good for both of you, I hope.
jessjane, I hope the new job is going well.
Eternaloptimist I like the "data exchange" idea. It would really help with piercing facts together (something I have had a need to do since Dday#1).
I'm no expert but know more about this than I wish I had to!
I don't know that anyone else can know if your WH is SA. From what I understand, it's the compulsion that makes someone an addict. Just like you can see someone drinking and not really know if he/she is alcoholic or just tying one on... The answer lies, I think, in the motivation behind the behaviour, more than the behaviour itself. My WH realized himself that he's SA after taking a few online quizzes. He didn't like the answers so kept taking them -- finally had to admit to himself, when the kept coming up with the same result of SA, that he did in fact have a problem and it wasn't just that he "liked sex."
Do you ever read posts in multiple A or ONS or in the other areas as well and think - I wonder if their WS is a SA and just hasn't been identified?
My FWH looked at some porn but not excessively. He joined single dating sites, chatted, ended up meeting some women. Met a couple women in bars, exchanged business cards then emails and chatted before meeting up again months later for PA's. Had a 1 1/2 year A with one OW. All except one of these happened within a 2 year span after his father died.
After reading all of the info and hearing from the IC that she thinks he is an SA, he finally admits that he is. My question is, so much of what he did seems so similar to so many others that don't seem to identify with the SA "diagnosis". Do you think that there are a multitude of others on SI who are but either don't know enough about it to call themselves that, or won't admit it?
The SAA group has been a wonderful support for my FWH even though their addictions are more for porn, masturbation, prostitutes, and anonymous sex and he wasn't into that. But, it establishes a safe place to talk, it rebuilds shattered self-esteem, and helps him to know that he did "bad" things but he is a worthwhile human being and is not a bad person.
Here's the thing...she is now going to be the first female in my H's SA group, and will be going for the first time tonight. I know the group is for everyone to get their healing. I don't want anyone to miss out on the healing that they are looking for. So I feel like a real B@#%* because I don't want her going to my H's meeting. I feel so threatened. She is also pretty and young. I feel like a horrible person for this
I know it is ultimately HIS boundaries and recovery that is going to determine what happens, and that this has nothing to do with her, and that I can't control it. I also know that there are many women who may be SA around him at school everyday and I can't do anything about them either. I can't help feeling threatened and sick about it, though.
Does anyone else's partner go to a mixed group? How is it working out?
[This message edited by jessjane at 10:22 AM, September 25th (Tuesday)]
I just want to say that I triggered walking into the store WH works at yesterday.
As I looked around...at women/men there...I thought:
OMG! EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME FOR HIM!
So glad he's OUT.