Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
sheltered
♀ Member
Member # 14641
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody. My R is going great! For a long time I felt like I should have walked out the door, oh say, the third time SA related things come to light but now, I am very glad I perservered. I didn't always have faith in my M or my H but I'm glad I was patient and gave both a chance because I am reaping the benefits now.

My question for the group is this: Do you think we will get our sense of humor back about things that relate to our spouses SA but don't have anything to do with them?

For example, people love to crack jokes about porn...I'd love to be able to laugh with the group again.


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007
soconfused10
♀ Member
Member # 16520
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sheltered and 7yrs...
I agree on the porn and the anal. He has agreed to no more internet porn and no porn in general for now... With regard to the intimacy, I agree completely. Even when it's not anal, he often liked me to lay on my stomach...Now that I "analyze" it, that does say alot about intimacy. Makes me sad. I talked to him about and he agreed to a degree as well.

He's agree to start IC and I hoping and pushing it to be with a CSAT. He went on the sexhelp website and took the quiz and does recognize that he has some of the characteristics so that is a start. I just pray that he follows through on the IC as that's not negotiable but know that this has to be hard for him to admit to himself as well as to me.


D-Day 10/1/7, D-day2 10/14/07
Me: BS (35)
WH: 35
3yo & 7yo kiddos
dated 7yrs, married 10 yrs


"I'm in repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there."


Posts: 404 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Chicago
Mama2girls
♀ Member
Member # 16119
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am exploring the idea that my WH is a sex addict. I have been reading about it and I feel like it may apply to him.

3 years ago I thought he'd had one affair and we did MC and R. (false R actually)
I know now that he had 5 affairs with women he had no emotional attachment to. He has also started answering sex ads online. Years ago, Porn was the problem. I see escalation. He is remorseful, realized the sex w/ OW makes him feel terrible but he does it anyway, etc. Loves and wants his family very much but cannot seem to make the choices that would allow having us. We are separated.

My question right now is about objectifying women. He has recently told me that he evaluates every women he sees on whether he would like to have sex with her, acts available and the ones who responded he started sexual relationships with.

I think he has normalized this in his head. Right now he says he has stopped in an effort to be faithful to me. But I think a part of him thinks all men do it and its normal.

I think that the objectifying women is really destructive. I can see noticing that someone is attractive (I do with men). However, in order to take it to the next step of I am actually attracted to him, I would have to know him. Do I like him, do I like his personality? But, if you only think of women as body parts and not as real people I guess you can be attracted to a stranger to the point of being willing to have sex with them without knowing anything about them.

The women who have been willing to be sex partners have mostly been pretty unappealing women, personality wise (I've met some of them) and he says he didn't even like some of them.

Am I naive about this or am I recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's amazing what becomes normalized.

Thanks for reading my long post.


Me BS 37
Him WH 40

Married 8 years, together 12 years
2 young daughters
FWH in IC for SA
R


Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moma2girls.

I went thru EMDR to try and desensitize me when WH is looking at women. They were able to stop the anxiety attacks when I would have triggers about this. They did not succeed in changing my wanting to leave when this is happening. I keep thinking to myself I would rather be alone than have my WH looking over every woman. Nobody seems to understand that a man who objectifies women thru porn and real life it is hard as a spouse to believe they are not doing that anymore or as much.

I'm giving myself until spring to decide whether to leave this marriage. I don't want to go thru another summer with this behavior.

I feel it is not a matter of if he'll go back to porn but when. I'm not sure I can keep going thru this again and again for the rest of my life and also going thru the devastation of an A.

I have already lived with this for 30 yrs. and I don't know if I want to live with this for the next 30 yrs.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

I'm curious about EMDR. Can you tell me a bit more about it? How did it help?


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is Eye Movement Desensitization and reprocessing.

The shock and trauma of Dday left me with PTSD and this is one of the methods they use to help people suffering from it.

The anxiety attacks from triggers was sending me into uncontrollable rages. I even hurt my arms pounding on sofa cushions.

Now I'm off meds and out of therapy and I only need to go back if the anxiety attacks start returning. Some people have to do maintenance therapy. I haven't so far. But I will go back if needed.

I was told I had a brain injury from the trauma of the infidelity and my brain was not processing information properly.

At first it is not easy because they stir alot of emotions up and when I first started it would take days to recover and calm down.

It got easier after each session until I didn't have to recover anymore. I highly recommend it because I know it works.

You can find information on the web by googling EMDR.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks -- I had a friend go through it a few years ago after her husband tried to commit suicide. But I hadn't thought of it since...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Mama2girls
♀ Member
Member # 16119
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, If anyone is out there....

My WH and his IC are now officially working on him for SA.

The IC is asking him to try and recogize the feeling he is having right before he looks at a woman in public and judges her sexually/physically. He says the analyzing the women is the sympton of something that has already happened in his head, a feeling, a trigger.

Any experience with this?? If he sexualizes/objectifies every woman he sees, I am thinking it must be a feeling that's in him ALL the time.

Would it be stress, feeling insecure, feeling angry? I don't know. Anyone have any examples of SA who have figured this out for themselves?

Thanks!


Me BS 37
Him WH 40

Married 8 years, together 12 years
2 young daughters
FWH in IC for SA
R


Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a counselor but I was told that this is something that starts in adolescence. They don't learn to think of women in a healthy way and respectful way after adolescence. In other words they don't grow up sexually.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
soconfused10
♀ Member
Member # 16520
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH starts IC for probable SA tonight. We are both nervous. I think for my WH it's insecurity but I could be totally wrong.


D-Day 10/1/7, D-day2 10/14/07
Me: BS (35)
WH: 35
3yo & 7yo kiddos
dated 7yrs, married 10 yrs


"I'm in repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there."


Posts: 404 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Chicago
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being married to an SA is not easy.

Mama2girls does it bother you that he objectifies every woman he looks at? Has this hurt you as a woman?

It has me and I'm having a hard time getting over it. It's been 30 yrs for me and I don't know why I'm still here.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Mama2girls
♀ Member
Member # 16119
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles,

I am actually starting to not be hurt by it personally. I am starting to realize that it really is no reflection on me or how much he loves me or the state of our sex life. That's how I feel on a good day!

It actually really bothers me as a woman who considers herself a feminist (I have no negative connotations of that word). I really respect and honor woman and feel so special to be a woman and a mother. I really think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder and comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, etc. So, to have a husband acting all creepy all these years and I didn't even realize it! That bothers me.

I feel a bit relieved to have something that makes sense! For years he would be extremely remorseful and ashamed and re-commit to me. Then, go and do something totally destructive to what he wants in his life (family). I could never make sense of that. It seems so simple to me - make the choices that leads to the life you want. But, he could never do it.

I am very worried that no matter how much he tries to heal himself, he will always fail. I know that's a possiblity.

Pebbles, do you think your husband has changed how he thinks??


Me BS 37
Him WH 40

Married 8 years, together 12 years
2 young daughters
FWH in IC for SA
R


Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2007
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if his thinking has changed. He does realize what the porn and the A has done to me. He'd go back to it immediately if my leaving weren't being held over his head.

I prefer that he would have wanted to stop on his own. But that's not the case. He doesn't see anything wrong with anything he's done with the exception of the A.

I've noticed I'm pretty much alone in my disgust with porn. I came from a home that valued marriage. My parents have been married since they were 17/18 yrs old. They'll be celebrating their 60 yr anniversary next yr.

Both my older sister and brother are divorced because of infidelity. My sister had to deal with porn for over 30 years and finally left only to find out from his new wife that he had cheated on my sister.

It's really hard for me to stay in a marriage where my WH can't keep his eyes off of other women. I've had to go thru some extensive therapy to desensitize me about this. I think I'd rather be alone than continue being with a man who wants other women. This struggling just isn't worth it.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it be stress, feeling insecure, feeling angry? I don't know. Anyone have any examples of SA who have figured this out for themselves?

My WH says that he doesn't feel like that all the time -- that there are simply times/places when he's "looking" for that and that's generally when he would go online. Reminds of the cartoon where the hungry animal suddenly sees everything as a "meal" then gives his head a shake and it's all back to normal. At least that's how my WH describes it, though I too have a hard time getting over it. I also consider myself a feminist (or perhaps a humanist is a better description) and it makes me crazy that my husband was this lecherous creep all these years.
I read an article today about pornography (there's a book out right now called "Getting Off" -- haven't read it but it's getting a lot of attention) and how it has become so normalized. There was line in the article that stood out: "If there is one nearly universal common denominator in heterosexual porn it is that the women in it are generally portrayed as easily,constantly, and powerfully sexually aroused, driven wild by whatever men want to do with and to them. For most men, this fact is crucial to their arousal..." He notes that many men who love porn come from mothers who were weak and sad and the guilt and responsibility they felt makes them forever fear situations where they must feel guilt or responsibility...
Anyway, not sure if that makes any sense to any of you, but it sure struck home for me.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my H is an SA. I have looked at 3 different online assessments and they all put him in the "seek help" category.

My question is - has anyone's spouse gotten "sober" without treatment?

I told H of my fears. I had him give HIS answers to one of the longer assessments. He didn't dismiss it - but said that all of the things he had answered "yes" to he has stopped so he doesn't think he needs to see an IC for it.

His YES answers:

1.Do you frequently fantasize or think about sex?

2. Have you made promises to yourself or others to change or stop some of your sexual behavior, and then broken these promises?

We had a false R during which the EA/PA continued.

3. Does your sexual desire cause you to associate with people you wouldn't normally be with or do things you wouldn't usually do?

4. Has frequenting sex sites on the internet for sexual stimulation become a habit for you?

He says this would be a no because since I told him no more porn on the computer he just stopped with no trouble. But it sure WAS a habit for a long time.

5. Do you frequently engage in sexual chat in sexually oriented chat rooms on the internet?

He says he USED to do this, but stopped on his own so this isn't an issue any more.

6. Is masturbation a frequent activity for you?


8. Have you gotten rid of a pornography collection and then started collecting it again?

He says this is a no, but I know he has thrown porn out after a while and then found more later.

9. Do you with some regularity rent (or buy or make your own) X-rated videos?

He rents them a few times a year - so his says this isn't frequent?

11. Are you attracted to phone sex?

15. Do you frequent adult bookstores for sexual excitement or sexual activity?

He thinks this would be a no because he only goes to this places to buy things and not to get off from just being there?

18. Does your regular sex partner frequently complain about the amount of sex or the type of sex you desire with him or her? If you really think about it, could your demands of your partner be excessive or outside normal limits? Or, do you suspect that your regular sex partner submits to your requests that may be excessive but doesn't tell you?

OK, I told him not to answer this one as I didn't want to get into it. BUT... he likes anal sex. He knows I don't. But I have been "willing" to do it since OW did it. He KNOWS it is very painful for me, but we do it anyway...

19. Have you violated your marriage or other relationship by having sex or affairs with others?

20. Are you especially excited by sexual behavior that includes a risk of being caught?


27. Have you been, or could you be arrested because of some of your sexual behavior?

H answered NO to this one. BUT... OW used to give him BJs in the customer section of his restaurant while it was open. He said the thrill of possibly getting caught was the turn on. But.. if he got caught, he could get arrested, right? Also, OW gave him a BJ standing behind his car in broad daylight while it was parked right on the street. To me again, that could have led to an arrest.

28. Does some of your sexual activity cause you to have a secret life hidden from significant others?

29. Does your sexual behavior or fantasy sometimes make you feel hopeless or depressed?

30. Have you been told by someone that your sexual behavior is excessive, inappropriate, or out of control?


H's fav sex positions are anal and from behind. He also enjoys various other positions that make it impossible to embrace while we are having sex.

I also found some VERY disturbing porn on the computer (to me) right before I told him I just couldn't deal with any more computer porn. I found pictures of "chicks with dicks". Men in the process of sex change operations so they have breasts and long hair - they look like "women" - but they have penises. (OMG - if you could just see my blushing over here!!!)

He says he is NOT bi-curios, that he sees them as women. But OK, I can't get past the fact that they are NOT women. They have PENISES!!

So,back to my origional question. I know a bit about addiction. H is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. So my thinking is HE NEEDS TREATMENT. But, he says he has stopped all of his risky behaviors so he doesn't see it as a big deal.

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I could use some clarity, here.

H has had 5 As that he has admitted to, with a definate progression.

1. A drunken ONS when we were dating.
2. An EA
3. A regular, anonamous cyber sex partner
4. Heavy petting at a conference with a coworker followed by weeks of cyber sex with same OW
5. A 2 year EA/PA with another alcoholic who was into the phone sex, public BJs etc.

Oh, and maybe 6? The LTA, who is the one I refer to as OW, invited a man to "just watch" as they had sex a few times. Did he have an A with this guy? Not really sure.

Sorry it's so long, but this is the first time I've unburdened any of this to anyone. I should feel relieved but I just feel kind of sick to my stomache seeing it all written out.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to be assessed by an SA specialist.

With the alcohol, drugs and sexual behavior I would say he needs to see someone. Even if he has control now this won't last without some kind of help.

WH could stop porn for awhile but would return.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - I just read my post again and I'm sorry if I went a little over the top with TMI. It's just not the kind of thing you can talk to any one else about, KWIM?

H has/is recieving extensive treatment for the drugs and booze. But he has never mentioned the sexual issues to any counselor. He isn't down right dismissing my fears, but to be honest I think he feels like maybe I am being a bit of a prude? I don't know, maybe I am just projecting that on myself?

He hasn't wanted to discuss any of this with our MC because he is embarassed. Hell, so am I.

This really struck a cord with me, though -

In other words they don't grow up sexually.

That is something they say about alcoholics. That when they started using, and for my H that was around 16 or so, is when they stopped maturing emotionally.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be talking about this in counseling.

WH got into counseling after I described the life I've led with him to my counselor.

WH is not embarrassed by the porn only the A. Yes he admits his use was obsessive but it had nothing to do with how he felt about me so the only problem is I don't like it and his use has hurt me emotionally.

To prove my point as to how I felt about him using porn I bought a Playgirl one time and brought it home. I didn't even look at it, just left it on the table.

He shredded it better than any shredder I know of. He said it's different for men and that I shouldn't be looking at that. Go figure.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to jump on the pop psychology band wagon or anything - but I guess I must have a whole bunch of co-dependent crap going on.

I mentioned once to my H that I didn't understand why all his fav positions were ones where he can't even see my face. I told him it makes me feel like a whore. But that is as deep into it as I wanted to go. Because I know OW did all that stuff, so I feel like if I don't he will go out and get himself another OW.

It isn't what I think RATIONALLY on the top of my brain, but a gut level fear I guess.

I also have a hard time imagining sitting down and saying this all face to face to someone. I am just so disgusted by some of his behavior - and I don't mean pissed off but actually ashamed for him that he could DO something like that - I can't imagine telling someone.

If I heard someone else tell a story about 3 married people - none of them married to each other - and 1 of them watching while the other 2 had sex I would think "what a bunch of sick people". How do you tell someone that your HUSBAND is one of those sick people?

My H has no embarassment about his porn use either. Not even the really weird stuff I found. I also can't imagine telling a counselor about the TYPE of porn I found on my computer!


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His problem with his sexual behavior is one of the reasons and maybe the biggest reason you're in counseling. You should be opening up about this to your MC. This is important for you to heal.

Don't be embarrassed, the counselor has probably heard a lot worse. If he's embarrassed about his behavior then he now knows it's wrong.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.