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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I'm not familiar with that one. My SA WH is a bit...uncomfortable...with even the spiritual element of 12-step groups. He holds his strict Catholic upbringing at least partly to blame for his warped views on sexuality. He's starting to come around and recognize it was his family's interpretation of the Catholic doctrine...but still, he's sceptical.
I figure, whatever truly works and makes a person see the life they want to lead and gives them tools to achieve it is a good thing.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pleasew8
♀ Member
Member # 17776
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eternaloptoist (I love the name)Thanks for taking the time to answer. It is good to know that the pain will lessen and that my days can get more managable.

My WS actually went to an open SA meeting on his own and was referred to an IC from some one within the group. My WS has had great success with a 12 step program (AA) and feels that the SA meetings are just as good. He thinks it reminds him often of how low the bottom can be by hearing all the other stories.

He is also bound by his strict Catholic background but feels that it is his faith in God that eventually saved him. As you said, your own Catholic Doctrine might not be the same as the Catholic churches and my WS finally (on 7/11/07) noticed the gap.

I still don't feel strong enough to attend my own s-anon meeting but will take your advice and try to work up to it.

Once again, thanks for your response and I will stayed tuned.


Me - BS-47
Him - FWH - 46 admitted sex addict
married 23 years together 30yrs
childhood sweethearts (or so I thought)
Kids - 3 boys
20yrs, 19 yrs, 15 yrs
D-days- too many
both in IC and MC
R is a lot of work.
Trying to make a different rela

Posts: 100 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: New Jersey
whybelieveagain
♀ New Member
Member # 12407
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, after reading some of this here is my take of my XH
alcoholic
pothead
porn/SA(into alternative sexual lifestyles)
I kind of figured the addictive personality led him to his A.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2006
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so torn. I have asked my WH to find another place to live. He has started settingcaptivesfree and seems to really be doing well.

I am getting so many positive vibes from him -- but I am so very afraid. I think us seperating is the right thing to do -- I am just so pulled. I so very much want my marriage and want him to be okay.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am so torn.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very slow thread! are any of you in support groups? What are your thoughts on that?


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in any support groups for two reasons. I live in a small city that has limited resources in that department. Secondly, I am very busy and would have a hard time getting to a meeting. However, I do think they are a great idea in most cases.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I attended a Wives of Sex Addict Celebrate Recovery (Christian 12 step) group for about 2 years. It was awkward because SA WH attended the same CR group and did the men's SA class. His "leader" was married to Leader of my group and I know confidentiality was broken more than once. In my case, the two leaders had reocnciled and there was pressure on me to forgive an unrepentant SA WH and to reconcile. I wasted a lot of time trying to reconcile with a man who couldn't have cared less about our 25 year marriage.

The SA issue is not like any other 12 step issue in my opinion. It is very complicated psycholigically. It needs to be lead by a psychologist who understands it. Lay people in general can't reign in a sex addict.

My observance has been thab sex addicts tend not to follow the rules that make a 12 step group work.

I now attend a divocrce support group for women and that's working a whole lot better for me!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think any addict that doesn't show signs of wanting to change -- of recognizing that their life just isn't working for them -- isn't going to have success, regardless of the group they go to. They need to hit THEIR rock bottom, not yours.
I tried a support group but it's very small -- so far only three of us -- and it gets cancelled a lot so I'm finding it next to useless. My husband is about to start an SA group and says he'll ask about spouse's groups. Finding them in my city is like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. However, I'll persevere. For me, I find the isolation very difficult (both my husband and I have fairly "public" careers so I just don't want total strangers knowing about this -- which is why I've told virtually no-one) so the thought of an anonymous support group appeals to me.
I think we all have to do as much as we're willing and go as far as we're able. Regardless, however, we're affected on many levels by a relationship with an addict and I think it's worth exploring that.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did find a call in type support group that I plan to try. It is on Thursday evenings. The web site is:
www.cosacall.com.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for letting us know. I'll look into it...
If you do try it, please let us know how it is.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have put it on my calendar to try this week and will most definatly let all of you know! The web site says there are 8-15 participants each week which I find hard to believe since there seem to be so many of us out there!


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Question  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually finally starting with a support group next week. It's taken ages to find one that wasn't a 12-step. I refuse to do a 12-step because I am not a co-addict, never was. I don't need a 12-step program.

Anyway, the workbook we'll be using is:
Partner's Recovery Guide: 100 Empowering Exercises by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.

Is anyone here familiar with this workbook? Does it have a Christian slant?

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 4:41 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that book, though my husband's SA counsellor speaks highly of Douglas Weiss. Apparently, he has a Christian focus but is gentle about it so those that find solace in it can appreciate that aspect and those that don't can still get a lot from him.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I have just started Doug Weiss' "Intimacy" book together...I think it is going to be helpful....a lot of work, but I expect a lot of healing too.


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alice,

How are you doing? Sounds like things are going well...
My husband went to his first SA meeting on Monday night. I can't believe how much "lighter" I've felt since. It meant so much to me that he would do something that was his own version of hell (actually admitting -- in PUBLIC -- what he did; fear of being exposed; etc. etc.) because it would help the two of us heal (not to mention him alone). So I'm feeling so much more positive. That, coupled with the fact that he told me what really makes him NEVER want to go down this path again is the look in my eyes when all this came out. He says it will haunt him forever. So he's clearly taking responsibility for the pain he caused (and openly talks about how painful/shameful it was for him) so life is looking up!!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm finding a lot of support here:

lovefraud.com

hugs, everyone


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Helpmeto
♀ New Member
Member # 18226
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1st time on site. Came directly to issue at hand. WH confessed everything on 11/28/07 that he was a SA. I was hurt but also very relieved that all my suspensions were right. Since then it has been up and down. I try to keep my spirts up b/c two weeks after the confession, I found out I was pregnant w/2nd child.

It is so tremendeously helpful to know I am not alone because I have felt that way many days. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I feel like it will only make me stronger...(and maybe a little crazy)

Any feedback or advise would be very helpful.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: north carolina
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to let all of you know that I did NOT call in to the support thing last Thursday night -- I had a touch of the flu or something. This Thursday, I will be traveling with WH and am not sure I will get back in time. I am still interested in trying it.

Will let you know...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on in a while, and I wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing...also, post an update on me.

My common law H has reportedly been sober for 1 year, and 1 month. D-day was last December 4, 2006. We are still in R, and still both attending SA and S-Anon respectively, as well as counselling and MC. I still get overwhelmed by fear about what he is doing when I'm not around or he's at school, and last night, for the first time in several months, I couldn't sleep because of videotapes. Thank goodness that happens less and less.

I took a min wage job to boost my confidence, and wouldn't you know it, I was hired by a woman who is married to an active SA, and in denial. Very triggering for me. I really had to work on my boundaries at work with my boss, and I feel proud of how I handled that situation. Now, I feel ready again to look for work in my field.

My problem is this: I have these dreams, and I wonder if they are even possible anymore?

I dream of being in a healthy enough relationship that I feel ready to get married. I dream of having a son or daughter one day. Of feeling that I am safe enough to take that step, and that my H and I will not pass this unhealth to the next generation. I dream of travelling...that I can do no matter what :)

Has anyone ever R'd with a SA partner and been able to get married to them after D-day, or have a first child with them?

I'm not wanting to rush, just wondering if anyone's EVER done it. It would be so scary to me right now. That's how I know I'm not ready, not R'd enough at this time.

[This message edited by jessjane at 7:50 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be curious to see what others have to say about your question, Jessjane. I often said, in the early days of finding out about my husband's SA, that I would NOT have married him had I known (and it was going on then, I just didn't know). Now, three kids and 12 ears later, I'm not so sure I wouldn't have married him. I would have insisted he do exactly what your SO (and my WH) is doing. But then, I wonder with enough time/healing, I might just take my chances with someone who learned to love me and himself in a much better way. However you look at it, marriage is a gamble. I might just have placed my bets on someone who was brave enough to look at themself in the mirror, own up to it publicly and make change.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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