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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand.

it is ridiculous on any level.

but you know? your admitting that might help you to understand what is going on in the SA.

a little.

intellectually you understand how this works. Intellectually you do. But your heart... the deepest part of who you are, thinks something else. And you're angry and frustrated and need to vent and sort through it all.. I know.

my H has had to deal with a lot, I have had to watch.

but anyhow... the two things don't match.

for an SA... especially one just beginning to heal.. they do not know how they feel about anything many times. it changes. they lie, not because they are trying to lie but because they are six or seven different people... what is true depends on who they are at the moment... they will tell you something truly believing it and the next minutes, they've switched.. they don't mean it... but then that is scary too... and they stop. They shut down, refuse to think or face it, live on what is right now.

and what is right now is often not pleasant.

but intellectually they understand.

it is the heart that has to accept and heal and change. And working there is ... well. It can be excruciating. Especially when shame hits.

I've been working at it for years. And sometimes I'll watch a movie or see a tv show that brings the horrors of what I've been and done back and I just fall apart. And I've grown a whole lot, have radically changed. But it is still hard.

anyhow, vent away... I know you need a place to do that, not trying to intrude, I hoped it would be helpful to tell you... there is hope. that's all.

there is.

the battle for you will be to give up...to get negative. you have to fight that.

stepbuild posts here, he is recovering SA.. a guy. Might help you to look for his posts too.

[This message edited by Maia at 9:52 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you Maia for your post.

I think trying to "see" life through our SA spouse's eyes is so hard. But your candor certainly helps.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Question  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing to me how many people post here listing obvious signs that their WS is a sex addict yet no one points it out. I've stopped doing so publicly because I've been scolded for it. Or ignored. Is that why no one else posts either? I mean come on, when someone says they've found evidence of memberships on hookup sites, emails to various women, porn, IM evidence, answers to Craig's List ads, lists of prostitutes phone numbers etc (I'm not referencing any one person but I've seen all those things in various combos posted) and even have proof of PAs why is it that no one says, "Hey, your WH might be a SA." ?? And when someone does everyone gets upset and says "Don't diagnose other people." I see it all the time in regards to other things. It seems perfectly fine to say, "Your WH is a narcissist!" Why is that ok but saying that he is a SA isn't?? I get there is a stigma in regards to sex but come on, we're on a site dealing with infidelity, sex is the main component here.

SA is rampant in this country (the world for all I know) and is being all but ignored on these boards. That's not helping anyone. Plus, some of the advice given to these people in regards to their situation is actually doing more harm than good because the issue is SA and it's being ignored. The WSs aren't going to stop unless they get help. It's just heartbreaking to me. I was curious if it bothers anyone else.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
jessjane
♀ Member
Member # 13981
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this really bothers me too. I have often wanted to say something, but feared that I might be over-stepping my boundaries by doing so. In fact, I just read a post in which I believe the WS is a SA, and my gut wrenched because I wanted to say something. I've been told in my S-Anon group, though, that people come to know when they are ready, so I am trying to balance this wisdom out with my desire to bring more awareness about SA to those who need it. I, for one, had never heard of SA (even though I studied psychology and counselling...isn't that sad?) and I wish I had've. Then again, I'm not sure I would have been ready to hear it sooner. So, because I can't make up my mind about what is most respectful to the other person, I find myself doing nothing, and I don't like that either.


Me: BS, 28 yrs.
Him: WS, recovering SA, 28 yrs.

I love him, but I love myself, my sanity, and my happiness more.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, for one, had never heard of SA

Yeah, I mean that's half the problem right there. It's at epidemic proportions and yet people seem oblivious to it's existence. It's so frustrating.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do tell some people that my husband is an SA. But then I follow it up with an explanation of what it is. So many people have the idea that all SAs want sex 24/7 and the kind where one swings from chandeliers and prefers 'menages a tout le gang'. They consider them pigs and not worthy of any empathy.

My FWH is still not dealing with it the way he should. Our son was with us a week or so ago after he came out of detox for an addiction to codeine. The subject of Dad's SA came up and FWH got upset and said he didn't want to talk about it. Our son was very blunt and told him he's never going to get completely better unless he owns the addiction and makes more effort to deal with it. There is no SA group in this city, but FWH should be going to IC counseling on a regular basis. He relied on me to make the appointments but I was done with that some time ago. I keep reminding him that if he doesn't deal with this, it will eventually creep back into his life. And as a 'no longer' codependent, I will just slowly drift away and fall out of love with him. I reminded him of that in the conversation with my son. My son said to his dad, "Are you listening, Dad?" For the most part, FWH and are reconciling nicely. This is the one thing standing between us. There is very little intimacy because FWH is SO afraid he will not be able to perform. I've told him anything is acceptable to me right now and I will teach him the difference between having sex and making love.

I'm not frustrated any more because I'm concentrating on myself. I do not accept things as they are, but I am being patient. He is not using very much and does admit when he does. I have access to his computer, his email, his credit card receipts, phone records etc. and he does not get upset if I go on a 'hunt', which I rarely do any longer. I know he loves me and hates this scourge with a passion. But after being an addict for over 40 years, healing takes time. He knows the boundaries I have set and that I will not accept any crossing of any kind.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
alluringillusion
Member
Member # 4029
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward1back,
I would like to make a suggestion. Although there are no SA groups in your town, there are Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that experts in SA highly recommend attending. They have a higher recovery success rate than SA since they have been around so much longer. My husband attends both SA and AA meetings as well as weekly group sessions with a sex therapist.

One thing I didn't understand about sex addicts, they love us, but unless they are actively working on staying sober, the problem is that they love the addiction more than anything else. It is more important than anything else. I never understood this before because if you ask anyone who knows us, they will agree that I tend to be my husband's whole life. We are very emeshed (not healthy and we are working on that) Plus my h has a deep connection with God. He attempted suicide and hated himself and hated the addiction. Nevertheless, the addiction came first and the reason that it is an addiction is because they CAN'T stop, no matter how badly they want to, even if they manage to white knuckle it for awhile or for years, even if they hate the addiction. I totally agree that healing does take time, but it doesn't matter one bit what boundaries we set, what promises they make, how much they love us, etc.... The illness is a bottomless pit until they hit bottom and seek treatment. The other day he said the new guy he is sponsoring was in trouble. I asked what happened. He said, "He went on-line and that's all it took even after months of sobriety. Now he can't stop."
You are right that the addict has to own his addiction and take responsibility for it. But I hope I am not out of line if I suggest listening to your son. If your h is willing to go if you make the appointments, I'd get him started on the right path any way I could.
My h also had sex with "2" strangers. That was a lie he told me. He also was barely using by the time I found out. And besides, as long as he was only doing on-line stuff and not physically acting out, we would be okay. That was the lie I told myself!
AI


"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Posts: 768 | Registered: Apr 2004
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

re. pointing out SA to others -- I do try to gently point it out, when it seems obvious to me. I often suggest that go to a site with an SA test and see if their WH fits. And I've had a few people PM me afterward because they suspect the same thing but don't really understand it. Given that this site is about support and guidance, I don't think it's over-stepping to suggest to someone that SA is a possibility. None of us can really know about another, but we can certainly suspect!
I've got a question though: everyone talks about how tough this addiction is to quit. And I watched my mother struggle with alcoholism for a decade before she finally got sober (and stayed that way for more than 25 years before she passed away). My husband sought help for SA six months before he told me about it. He claims (and his SA counsellor seems equally convinced) that he's been "clean" ever since. He'd been SA for close to 15 years (everything from online porn to chat groups to anonymous ONS to long-term sex partners of both sexes). I guess I find myself wondering how it can be so easy for him to stop. He admits it's tough -- but I don't SEE that it's tough. He says that the "good" he's feeling now is all the incentive he needs to stay the course. He told me last night that he feels happy for perhaps the first time in his life. So...my fear is that I'm deluding myself that it's over. I know it's a possibility he can slip, but my mom was sober for a quarter-century and she also said that she just knew she'd never go down that path again. I do tend to be Pollyanna-ish (hence my user name).
Thoughts??


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband, who is a SA, and I split up recently. He is staying at a relative's house who does not have a computer(Thank God). I think us splitting up and me filing for divorce has made him finally hit rock bottom, at least I hope and he is not just trying to string me along. He did say that he tried to find help here locally but couldn't find anyone other that counselors that we can not afford. So I have been looking online to try and find him somewhere to go but I'm having trouble even online. We're also going to see a marriage counselor so I am trying to find him something free or pretty cheap. For me, it's hard to trust him because I can no longer keep tabs on him or even if what he tells me is the truth. He knows that I no longer trust him and that if I even think that he is doing something that I will continue the divorce but still that is hard because I can no longer see what he is doing. Everybody tells me to just divorce him already but we have been together for 9 years and we have two kids together.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist, it depends on your definition of "clean." My FWH is sober which means that he does not masturbate. Before he actually stopped masturbating I didn't see him struggling at all because he wasn't, he was still "using." It wasn't until he stopped that things got a bit crazy. He went through withdrawal both physically and emotionally and had a few rough months. He still struggles. I can tell when he's struggling because he gets enraged about little things that don't warrant it and flies off the handle. That is what we're dealing with now. He is truly sober 18mos but he's still struggling with acting out in other ways, like anger.

There are some programs that say that masturbation is okay and I strongly disagree with that. That is like telling an alcoholic that they can't have hard liquor but beer is okay. That is just stupid in my opinion. It's a slippery slope and I think if my FWH were still masturbating he wouldn't have the control over himself that he does to not act out in other ways (porn, profiles, cheating etc) If he were still masturbating he'd still be getting a little of the "drug." That's unacceptable. We have a good sex life now and he's learned the difference between intimacy and making love and just sex. I don't think a SA who is still masturbating can learn the difference because he is still DETACHING emotionally.

So, like a I say, look at whether he's truly clean or not. Ask yourself what your boundaries are in that regard.

As to it seeming easy, I've often worried about that. It's pretty uncommon to get 18mos right out of the chute with no slips. I attribute it to him working his program. He sees a CSAT (it used to be weekly but he has cut back to bi-weekly) and goes to a group facilitated by his CSAT weekly. He is working in his workbook and making lots of calls to his group members. That is what is keeping him sober. He's worked too hard to get those chips (his group give chips like AA) and he doesn't want to lose them.

Some addicts do seem to have an easier time of it than others. My mother was a chain smoker for 30-some years. When she decided to quit she asked for the patch but was allergic to it. She went cold turkey and never looked back. The main thing she had to overcome was the habit of hand to mouth and she gained a little weight. I've talked to her about it and she said she never craves cigarettes at all. It was only hard for about a month. This is a woman whose father was an alcoholic so addiction was not out of the question for her. On the other hand, both of my FWHs parents are smokers. Both have quit and started again countless times, they just can't seem to stop. Every person is different I guess.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:33 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
notworthless
♀ Member
Member # 18943
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am learning so much about SA which fits my WS so much. Patrick Carnes books have been helpful. I too wonder how impossibly hard it must be for a SA to have recovery


I will survive....

Posts: 1154 | Registered: Apr 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 4:50 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too wonder how impossibly hard it must be for a SA to have recovery

It all boils down to support. No SA can recover without therapy and group. Period. I personally feel that going to group is what is keeping my FWH sober. Therapy is great for his family of origin stuff and working the steps, but his weekly group and phone calls is what keeps him sober. He says so too. Because it's true, this is the hardest addiction to kick. They carry the drug around with them 24/7. It's in their brain. They can't chose to not have it around, it's IN THEM.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 Years...
I think your point re. masturbation is a valid one. I don't think my husband has stopped that...though it's certainly reduced, according to him. His SA counsellor would "prefer" him not to, but doesn't forbid it. But I never really thought about the self-medicating aspect of it. He always used it -- especially as a teen -- to cope with anxiety, fear, loneliness, etc.
It's something I'll ask him about.
Thanks for your wisdom.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is masturbating he is NOT sober. Period. There is no gray area here in my opinion and he cannot ever recover as long as he's using. If he was a drug addict would it be okay for him to use just a little, to get high once a day? If he was an alcoholic would it be okay for him to have just one drink per day? No, of course not. Every time he masturbates he's getting high. Every time. The drug is IN his brain. It's not something that is external. He doesn't have to look at porn to whack off, he has his mind movies and an endless supply of his drug right there in his physical makeup.

You sent me a PM about intimacy today. You will never get that with him until he's sober. Never.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I probably belong in this forum.

For those who don't know me, here's a brief version of my story.

Nov 06 I found out that my H had met a woman we know for a ONS. Turned out they had been sending sexual texts and emails etc for 4 months. He admitted that in 03 he'd got into internet porn and even been to a swingers party.

I thought that we'd been R successfully, particularly over the last few months. Last week I found out that for all that time he'd still been going to swingers websites, watching webcams and the like, and had even been to meet someone who wanted to masturbate him. He says he didn't go throught with as the person didn't show up.

I'm not sure if he is really a SA or is using this as an excuse because it makes his behaviour more explainable and he thinks I could forgive him more easily.

We have had a very good sex life during this time, he doesn't seem to have any problem being intimate with me. He swears blind that he does not masturbate very often. Of course I don't know what's true and what isn't now.

He has been to two SA meetings this week and we are searching for a councellor for more intensive help. I have just told him that I want to separate, at least for a while, because I am scared that he will continue to try and manipulate me into believing that he can change.

That all sounds so clinical and detached doesn't it? But my heart is breaking and I am so scared of the future. Any help gratefully received.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howcouldhe,

I'm so sorry you're here. Whether he is SA or not, only he can really say. Obviously, none of us have a clue what's going on in our spouse's heads. Porn can be incredibly addictive -- I've read that it literally changes brain chemistry, creating a cycle where they need more and harder porn to get the same "fix".
Read what you can about it -- Patrick Carnes is the acknowledged pioneer and expert on sex addiction. At the very least, it will give you a starting point and something to focus on while your husband sorts out where he goes from here.
It's agonizing, we all know. Keep posting for support. In some bizarre way, it feels better to know we're not alone in this.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need some feedback, please.

Not sure exactly where to post this so I'll try here because my gut tells me it "fits".

Several years ago, WH was left alone with my PC while I went to have a shower. (We were M but still living long distance nearly 1800 miles apart due to many valid issues).
It was a hot July day and he thought I was washing my long hair...but I had decided not to.
It was a short shower v. a long one.
Well, when I popped back into the bedroom, WH was sitting at my PC, and he suddenly did *something* to cause the screen to go BLANK.
I'm not techie enough to know what he did, but its obvious to me he was up to NO GOOD and he had to HIDE IT.

Well, I suddenly went into shock because I just KNEW he was doing something WRONG.

Just recently, as I thought about this incident, I remembered something important that I had been suppressing since-- 2004.

It was his face...he had that 'oh, no, she almost caught me' LOOK and then its as if a hand came down and just *smoothed* out that "expression" -- in a flash!

He went from THAT Look...to a wholly *impassive* look...in an instant and was soon smiling & acting like nothing had ever *happened*. Duh!

Have any of you seen This LOOK that I'm talking about?

Yes, my WH is very sexually compulsive to the max. IC tells me he is hypersexual due to the bipolar...whatever.

WH will always, always, always be a Sex Addict, first & foremost, in my mind!

Thanks for all your insight on this because its really *bothering* me!

[This message edited by dreamlife at 9:02 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eternaloptimist you're right, it really does help to know you're not alone. I think SI has really saved my sanity on more than one occasion in the last 17 months.

We're going to see a counsellor on Monday, and another on Wednesday to see if either are suitable. we've had MC for a few months, but I guess it's never going to be much help if one of you is lying all the time.

Does anyone here have experience of recoverynation? Has it been helpful?


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years,
On this subject, I really do listen to every word you post. I respect your experience and knowledge.

This particularly hit me:

If he is masturbating he is NOT sober. Period.

Our IC/MC did not push this aspect a whole lot when he was encouraging FWH to stay 'clean'. I know it was simply lack of education on his part. FWH and I understand the reasoning behind this.

However, could you forward me the background/articles/expert opinions on the 'whys' of this. FWH and want to study it and present it to our IC/MC who is so very good, but learning to be better. You can do it here or by PM. If the references are huge, I will glady share my email

Thanks 7years. I consider you the expert in this area on SI and thank you for so much wisdom.

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 12:07 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward1Back,
That statement regarding masturbation and sobriety comes directly from my FWH's lips. He learned it from his CSAT. I'm assuming that it comes down from studying Patrick Carnes since that is where his CSAT got his training. Once my FWH said it a lightbulb went on for me. It makes perfect sense. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic they can drink as long as it's only a little.

But I will ask my FWH and see if he has any literature on it.

I did some research online just now and found a few things.

I found this description of Sexaholics Anonymous on a site listing resources for sexual addiction.

SA: Sexaholics Anonymous This 12-Step program is the strictest in its definition of sexual sobriety. Masturbation is discouraged, as is homosexual sex. Sobriety is defined as "No sexual behavior outside of a committed marital relationship between a man and a woman."

Copied and pasted directly from the SA site at http://www.sa.org/sexaholic.php

Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.

The key to this is that in sexual addiction the addict is using the drug as a coping mechanism to self medicate. Every time he masturbates he's using. He's self medicating instead of working on the core issues that led to his addiction in the first place.

I hope that is helpful. I will still ask my FWH if he has any literature on it and/or what books you need to look in. He has a workbook he uses and it might be in there.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
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