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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Fish
♀ New Member
Member # 19162
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling really lost at the moment. My husband admitted to being addicted to porn after I caught him having an A. He did get rid of all his secret porn collection (how he managed to hide it all in our little apartment amazes me), but he isn't able to stop seeing the OW. Is this part of the addiction?

It's been a month, and I've made him move out, but I'm not sure how we're ever going to work it out. I'm trying to not contact him, as he's not stopped seeing the OW and lied about it, but I wonder if it is going to help....


Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2008
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Fish)))

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. It sounds like you took a good first step in having him move out if he can't stop seeing the OW.

Other - more experienced - people here at SI can probably offer you more advice on next steps. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and you have found a wonderful place full of people who can help support you.

I just found out that my WH is a SA-12 years of things I never knew. It is very overwhelming. Here is one website that might be able to offer some help:
http://www.sexaa.org

I will be thinking of you.
FW


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Fish
♀ New Member
Member # 19162
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Feisty Woman))

I think we are probably in very similar circumstances at the moment.

I'm sorry you're here too.

I know we'll get better.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fish, please check out www.sexhelp.com or www.sa.org You will find very good information about sexual addiction.

You can PM me if you have questions. I'm sort of a veteran with SA. Read my profile.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FINALLY!!! A book for spouses or partners of SA from Carnes. (ok, a whole bunch of people wrote chapters, including Patrick Carnes and his daughter edited it)
Anyway, I've been lamenting the lack of a book specifically for spouses or partners of SA since the beginning of this crap. I'm getting my copy on Monday.

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stephanie Carnes

Thanks for the heads up, 7yrs. I ordered it within minutes of reading your post last night. I should be getting it next week, just in time for my busy time at work to be leveling out which gives me time to read it. I'm very excited. I hope it's good.

I actually quite liked "Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction: A Co-dependent's perspective" by Christine A Adams. It comes from a Christian perspective, mind you. But my friend who just ended a relationship with a sex addict, who borders on criminally so, and who has no religious bent in the least, found it very insightful and quite helpful. However I am glad to see the expert of all experts comes out with a book for us. He will have insights that other books will not have.

Thanks again for the heads up. I'm looking forward to discussing the book with you, Our Resident Sex Addiction Queen of SI!! Love ya'. Truly. Look forward to every post of yours on here. You have been a huge asset in my journey.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Roxy123
♀ New Member
Member # 18691
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,
I have a few questions I figure you guys can help me out with.
I am currently seeing a IC for myself she is great I really like her a ton. She is a Jungian analyst. I really click with her she isn't too fuzzy and fluffy like a lot of therapists and counselors are. I am not a west coaster but I live here now and I some times get so tired of the whole west coast fluffy feeling thing. ANYWAY
My H has found a therapist who specializes in SA, which is GREAT. She had us both in on one of his appointments so I could ask questions etc. She told me She would like to see me seeing some one who deals with SA too because it is helpful to have someone who knows about it. Also to join a therapy group for partners of SA and even possibly go to a 12 step group cosa or the like.
Now she also said I should not join the therapy group until I switch councilors because I will need to do "some work" to have something to talk about.

I looked at the cosa and the s-anon websites and I have to say it really just does not click with me. I honestly do not feel I have co dependant issues and I feel like his counselor and the lot are trying to get me in the system and that I will be treated like I am because that is the typical pattern of SA partners.

MY IC said she understands the point but she fears they will make this all about his SA and I will get no support for myself. I am worried that if I do not fit into their neat little explanation of SA and co addict or dependant they will just try and make me fit. When I tried to talk to his counselor about it she just blew me off and said “well you DID pick him for a reason. Some part of you knew deep down. (He had stopped acting out for a good 3 years before we met and didn’t start up again until 5 years after we got together.) I do not buy the “you knew he was messed up and you chose him because of that” explanation. I just don’t think I need to go through a 12 step program to work through issues I do not have.( I have done quite a bit of reading on this to inform my opinion so its not just out of the blue I don’t want to.)
I guess I’m just curious about your experiences.
My H therapist also was upset that he wrote me a letter fully disclosing everything he has done acting out ever. She said it was too soon and there was a process to it. He tried to explain to her that I am really big on the truth and waiting would of been harmful to the marriage. She also told him she would have had him leave parts of it out.
This also worries me quite a bit.
I told him I think I need to go in with him again and clear some of this up because it just sounds really weird to me.


BS (me) 33
WH (Sluggo) 44
Together 11 yrs
Married 2 yrs
D-day 1 5/19/04
D-day 2 3/13/08
"Now you know everything thats ever happened"confession 4/11/08
Lets see how much more there is really!

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2008
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
DOH!  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds really weird to me too. Sounds like a territorial thing, perhaps?

I became a co-dependent/co-addict over the 30 some years of marriage. Whether I chose him for a marriage partner for that reason, I have no idea. I really don't care either. All I know is I am no longer one and am learning to let go of any little bit of it left. I do read about partners of sex addicts and am doing some website work as one. I also see an IC who is also our MC. He knows sex addiction very well. At my last session, he thought I was not a candidate for COSA or other support groups like it because I was not willing to learn to live with my H's addiction; that I now refused to live with it at all. I'm not sure that these groups support living with it, but I kinda got his point.

Now mind you, I just made that decision a little bit ago after finding another stash of porn and assorted items hidden in the freakin' walls of the basement of all places. These guys are SO good at going further underground when they know the BS may be looking. That did me in. I knew he backslid now and then but this proves that the backslide is starting to escalate. He has not made any IC appts. in over a year, does not go to groups and does not read any material on SA anymore. He is trying to manage his addiction, not get rid of it totally. He thinks he can finally get rid of it by keeping busy and working on our relationship. But as 7 yrsbetrayed said in an earlier post, 'there is no intimacy when they are still looking and masturbating'. So although FWS knows we have a MC session this Friday, he's not fully aware of what is going to happen. I think he knows I know he's using again, but at the session I am going to insist I will NOT live a house with porn any longer. I will leave. I'm sick to my stomach at the possible prospect but these guys don't learn often until they risk losing everything. I thought the A would be the 'on the bottom looking up' point, but it was only for awhile. I will also insist he cannot stop without group support. Interestingly enough, this small city finally may get a group. There is another client of our IC/MC who drives 2 or 3 hours a week to attend a meeting in a larger city. He wants to start a group here. Here's Mr.1Forward's chance to do the right thing. It's like the timing was perfect. There was no group prospects before.

Anyway, Roxy you have to do what is best for you. AND be willing to change your mind about what that is as you travel this very, very difficult journey. I've learned the latter very well.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the recent members who've been posting. I wish none of us had to be here, but I confess I'm feeling a lot less alone!!
In answer to Roxy, my husband's SA counsellor is also firm on the disclosure "protocol" -- that the BS and the SA must have "support" during the disclosure. That said, given that you already did it and you clearly survived it -- I don't quite understand the reaction. Truth is always better than the secrets, half-truths, etc. And it was a HUGE thing that your husband did.
I also don't think I fit a lot of the co-dependent model. I think I have some of the traits and I certainly have my issues -- but working with a therapist (who educated herself via my husband's SA counsellor) has been great and I've come a long way.
I think you're doing great for yourself -- getting counselling, reading lots... All of it allows you to feel more powerful, rather than a slave to his addiction. You're the one driving this bus now! And you can determine where it goes...
I've decided to finally post my own story on my profile page. It has taken a long time to feel that I can do it so here goes...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roxy - The words that come to mind for your therapist are abrasive and unyielding. I believe that disclosure is best in a formal setting, but if it has been done it has been done. Yes, in a 12 step program disclosure is not done at the beginning, but this is real life and not everything falls into line.

As far as you joining a group, I think it is a great idea. I do not believe that you need to change counselors first. The group is a support for you. Look into a few groups. Some might be a better fit than others.

My H is a love and sex addict. He has been in SLAA group since September. I went to a COSA group last summer for myself. I hated it. I did not feel that I fit in with those members and did not feel comfortable. In October, I started attending S-Anon. Even though most of the members’ partners are in SA, I find myself comfortable in this group. It is a 12 step group. Am I a co-addict? No, I do not think so, but I do think that my lie was unmanageable do to my H actions. I know I found myself doing things in our relationship that go against my ethics and morals because I was trying to keep him. This group has helped me tremendously. I has helped me find my way in accepting what my H has done and how it has impacted our relationship. It is helping me work through the anger, resentment and fear. It is so reassuring to know that there are people that know what you have been through. Even though everyone’s stories are different, the underlying themes are all the same.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our counselor called today. The other SA in this small city that is interested in starting an SAA group wants to get started ASAP. The counselor wondered if the fellow could call my H to see if he would be interested. H is not home at the moment, but he will be in a couple of hours. I will have to present this to him at that time. I was waiting until our MC session on Friday, but MC thinks it needs to be done now. So pray for me or have good thoughts this way. My stomach is in knots because I think my H will be resistive claiming he is getting better every day. So with that I will have to reveal to him my knowledge of his latest porn stash and evidence of his porn activities and masturbation on a fairly regular basis. I check the stash every couple of days and note the changes in order, etc. I wanted to reveal this at the MC session followed by my decision that I cannot live with this any longer; that if he continues, I may have to leave. The SAA group may be his last hope. I don't know why I'm anxious. I'm not afraid of my H in the least and am very open with him. But he has been very closed lately and I suspect he will react to this by withdrawing and being upset tonight. And he will need to talk. I have a major project due for my grad course tomorrow and I have to devote time to that today. Oh boy....


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward1Back,
You need to set his attendance at a group as a boundary and set a consequence if he refuses.

Be sure that the consequence is something that you absolutely will follow through on. Do not make an idle threat thinking you can scare him into going. He may decide not to...so you have to be solid on your consequence. Whatever you think will get his attention and cause him "pain." This is always the hardest part about consequences to explain. The consequence has to cause "pain" in order to truly be a consequence but it does not mean that you are doing it to punish him. This is NOT a punishment. You cannot be doing it to get revenge or to punish. Your consequence must be set with LOVE. Setting boundaries and consequences is the best way to show love for your SA. It is the best way to love yourself and keep yourself safe while letting him know what you will and will not tolerate.

I also think that people jump to "I'll leave you!" for everything and that is not healthy either, especially since that is a threat that women rarely keep.

I'm not telling you what consequence to set, only you can determine what is best for YOU to keep YOU safe, but here's an example of something I think is reasonable without jumping to "I'll leave you."

Boundary: "In order to feel safe, I need you to attend group SA meetings consistently."

Consequence: "If you will not attend SA meetings and check in with me regarding your sobriety, we will not be sexually intimate. It is not safe for me to do so."

Again, set YOUR own consequence. Whatever YOU need to feel SAFE in your relationship.

The bottom line is, you have to be prepared for him to refuse and follow through on your consequence. View each of your recoveries as yards. You each have your own yard to maintain. You need to set your boundaries and consequences ( maintain your fence) but not built a wall. You may look into his yard and observe but it is not healthy to jump the fence and try to weed his yard. You can and should tell him that he needs to weed his yard or you won't loan him your sprinkler anymore. You also shouldn't allow him to trample your fence and start transplanting his weeds in your yard.

Does that make sense?
7

ETA: DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND!! He doesn't need to know that you know about the porn stash etc. Don't drive him farther underground. You need to continue to be able to look into his yard and see what he's doing. You won't be able to gauge if he's doing his work. Simply set your boundary. He has absolutely no right to question why you're setting it. IT'S YOURS to set. Period.

There will come a time when you won't need to "spy" anymore and there will come a time when doing so will not be healthy or productive for you but now is not that time.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 4:16 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, 7yrs, It makes a ton of sense; all of it.

I really didn't want to use the "leave you" consequence, for many reasons. I have to feel comfortable in my environment and staying at someone else's place will not. I have work to consider and a very intensive grad course with a practicum element starting as soon as I finish this course which is driving me batty at the moment. I want to be in my own home. Sending him out doesn't make sense to me either. At least not at this point. As well, our daughter who lives in Europe with her husband and new baby does not know. She can't know; not yet. She is so far away and this will devastate her. She needs to be closer if and when she ever finds out; close enough to have us hold her while she sobs and to reassure her we are okay. Life is so hard for them right now with no money and no real family close by. My son agrees. He's ADAMANT that she not know. She adores her daddy. If we split now, this could be horrific for her.

I like your suggestion about the intimacy. We have had some nice moments before I found the stash where he was really getting the concept of lovemaking; never completed the act but did do some great cuddling/foreplay kind of stuff. That ends now unless he co-operates. I'm so tired of inspecting his stash and looking for more; for imagining him starting an affair with a 'real' person again...just recently those thoughts have crept into my head and upset me terribly. I thought that had gone. His lack of real sobriety has more of an effect than I imagined it would.

I also did not want to reveal my knowledge of his stash. I thought telling him how hurt I was to find some of the paraphenalia; how it made me feel so cheated on, all over again. But I don't have to do that. That just perpetuates the victim role and I don't want that. I will just tell him that I know; that I know I caught him masturbating last week even though he thinks he covered really well. That's okay to tell him, right? That may be enough for him to confirm that I really do know. Just telling him I can feel it, that I sense it in my gut..in my bones...may be enough.

I just talked to him on the phone and told him about this guy wanting to set up a group. He's stalling big time. Needs time to think about it. Not sure he wants to do this. I broke down crying which I wish I hadn't, but I am SO stressed today finishing up this big grad project. I feel like I'm going to explode any moment. Sigh!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will just tell him that I know; that I know I caught him masturbating last week even though he thinks he covered really well. That's okay to tell him, right?

It would be fine to talk about that. He knows you caught him. He may still deny it but that's his shit not yours. Don't engage in an argument over it. You saw him. It doesn't matter what he says about it. Period.

If you can not cry when you set the boundary that would be ideal but you are who you are and if you cry then you cry. Don't mess yourself up worse worrying about that. Don't worry about what he might think of you either. That's his problem.

Again, you don't have to give him a reason for the boundary. It's none of his damn business, frankly. This is YOUR boundary. FOR YOU. This is ultimately not about him. This is for you. You need to be safe in this marriage. You're not safe as long as he's not sober.

You do need to look forward too though. You need to be thinking a little down the line on this. Let's assume he is going to refuse to go to group. So, you've set the boundary that you need him to attend group. He refuses. You stop all physical intimacy with him and begin detaching.

How long are you going to do that? How long are you willing to stay in a toxic environment with an active SA? Do not discuss THIS with him. Just think about it. You don't have to have a concrete answer eitehr. Just keep it in mind as you move forward. You have to understand that he may never get help. He may never get sober. At some point you'll have to decide whether you are going to live with an active SA or if you're going to end it.

If, on the other hand, he does begin attending group and gets into therapy with a CSAT, well, then you'll have new issues and boundaries to set.

Let's cross one bridge at a time. Set your boundary about his attending group. Follow though unflinchingly on your consequence. And then give yourself some time to evaluate what you want.

Also, it's a good idea that you set a consequence for yourself in the event he tramples your boundary and you do not follow through on your consequence for him. What is your consequence for yourself for not following through?


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do need to look forward too though. You need to be thinking a little down the line on this. Let's assume he is going to refuse to go to group. So, you've set the boundary that you need him to attend group. He refuses. You stop all physical intimacy with him and begin detaching.

I've already done that to be honest. I will not live in what you call a toxic environment. I have told him that eventually if he goes on like this, I will slowly drift away, detach and reclaim my life on my own, without him, in my own place. I've already started in a sense by setting up many of my own savings and investments, buying my own car, etc.

Also, it's a good idea that you set a consequence for yourself in the event he tramples your boundary and you do not follow through on your consequence for him. What is your consequence for yourself for not following through?

I'm not sure what you mean by this exactly. What kind of consequence? I know I will think poorly of myself and be disgusted with my weakness. I will not however, fall into the same ol', same ol'; going on as if all is well.

He is home. Wish me luck!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it didn't go so great, but I expected that. H often needs time to process things. He's coming up with all kinds of stonewalling excuses and I'm not arguing with him. I've stated my piece and the basis premise discussion is over.

I'm exhausted!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
ever_after?
New Member
Member # 17095
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist, thanks for posting your story. I too have been wanting to post my story for a long time or at least just introduce myself but have not felt able to as yet. I feel that I have a lot in common with yourself. I read the posts in this thread every day and I get comfort just knowing there are others out there dealing with the same issues and experiencing the same emotions as me. The similarities in all our stories also help to keep reminding me that sex addiction in a real illness and I need that to help me cope with the feelings of betrayal and the rage, despair and sadness that comes from that.


Me: BS 32
Him: SA 34
2 beautiful kiddies: boy & girl
Married: 8 yrs
My whole world fell apart: 3rd June '07.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2007
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 1Forward1Back--

Just reading the posts and wondering how things are going? Hoping for you that he is done 'thinking about it.'


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feisty, they are better. Our IC/MC called him today and pressured him some more, so he called the other SA and they agreed to meet. I'm not sure how much effort he will give it, but it's a start. Last night I was terribly upset. H has a way of stonewalling and gaslighting that does that to me off and on. Today, I am in that detached mode. Have no energy to feel upset or care a whole lot. Let's see how it goes.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with you on "detached mode" today.

Had a bad night of nightmares involving my WH cheating in a variety of ways. I don't do well on little sleep so I tend to just shut down. No energy to get involved.

Sometimes I think that is good. Gives us a little break (sort of).


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist, I'm glad you were able to share your story. I think it helps tremendously just to get it out there in a place where you are safe.

That certainly has been true with joining the support group. We were all so scared about sharing and we all cried and had a really hard time actually doing it. Then, after we had all shared we all realized that we felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted off our shoulders. For some of the women it was the first time they had told ANYONE. More people knew their story in that moment than had ever known and it felt good. It is good to know you're not alone.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:20 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
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You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

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