I cannot imagine the pain of losing my mother. Cannot imagine. I'm so sorry for your pain.
He finally went to his first SAA mtg 3 wks ago and what a difference. Hearing other people talk about the same things he's been doing gave him a light bulb moment. He now goes twice a week or more if we're home.
I go to my first COSA mtg tonight. It's the first one I can go to because we're not usually home on the night of the mtg. I'm not sure if I need this. I've been attending mtgs online for a couple of weeks but didn't understand fully what is going on. So I will find out IRL tonight what it's all about.
And that's good news re. your husband. I hope he continues to recognize himself in others and own up to the SA.
All spouses of SA's can join this program to work on themselves.
A few years back I came off of a marriage where my ex tried to get pregnant without my consent. She lied about her birth control and tried to sabotage mine. It was painful but I decided to end the marriage...
A year later I met someone online and we hit it off pretty well. Trouble is she lived far away. I tried to move out where she lived but I really missed the ocean and all the natural beauty of home. Plus, she had an extremely high sex drive and that I just couldn't keep up with. There were times I would wake up and she would be on top of me. I loved her but I knew something wasn't quite right so I decided to leave...
She constantly masturbated, had many pornographic materials, and always wanted me to go to the porno store with her. She had sex on the brain 24/7 and I noticed she often neglected her kids. She had a darkness that surrounded her, but she was always so good with words and I wanted to believe her so much...
She finally confessed that she was a sex addict, but was seeing a counselor and had it under control
She pretended to faint as I was leaving, and that bought her some extra time. I still left eventually but she said she did not want to quit on me...
About a week after I arrive home she calls and tells me she is pregnant. We talk some more and decide to try again. She tells me a few days later that she miscarried. She said the stress of me not being there may have contributed. I feel awful about the whole thing...
We argued about who should move. At one point, she told me she thought she had cancer and needed to stay home. She wanted to get married asap...
I finally came up with a proposal where she could move out here all expenses paid. It would take about 6 months of savings for us to be together. She agreed and I thought our problems were behind us...
She apparently forgot that we both had access to each of our emails. I hardly checked them, but shortly after xmas I felt something was not right with her. I checked her email and was floored by what I had found...
She was a member of a few dating sites and was active. I also found an email from a singles group where she openly offered herself to the director, but he politely refused...
I confronted her about all this and at first she denied it. I told her I had proof and then she changed gears and was remorseful. She begged me to not leave her, and she would seek additional help. I love her and I wanted to believe her so I agreed...
She misses more and more phone calls and we begin to have heated arguments. I decide to hire a PI and got more bad news. The SA therapist she claims to be seeing never existed, she kept going to singles club events, and she apparently was starting an affair with a co-worker...
I told her I just could no longer trust her and ended it. I feel so sad and angry at the same time. How could someone be so cruel? How could someone manipulate and lie right to your face without so much as a blink? I feel so broken and just really devestated. I wonder if I can ever recover from this. The pain is unbearable at times...
Get this...she is furious at me for ending it. WTF??? She went on to say that her affair is my fault cause I was not there. I really think she believes all of her lies. It is just maddening...
This is the second straight time I have been betrayed. Why do I pick women like this? Is there something wrong with me? I feel really confused and just want to never be in a close relationship again...
Thank you for reading this. I just really needed to reach out and get this out of my troubled mind...
It is just as addictive as alcohol. It's a hard one to overcome and deal with because everybody carries this drug around with them. It's just that some get addicted to it.
You were right to break it off. Obviously she isn't getting help.
It's hard to give advice on how to choose someone who isn't. They come from all walks of life just like an alcoholic.
My head has been spinning just trying to make sense of this, but it just doesn't make any sense at all
Why would she be so cruel to get me to fall for her, then horror herself around town behind my back? Why spend countless hours telling me we were meant to be together then seemingly having no problem being with others?
What gets me the most is why she is acting angry towards me? Doesn't she have this backwards?
I guess your right. I did have to break it off. What I don't get is why she keeps calling and telling me this is my fault. I am beginning to think she is just plain evil...
Knowing this, why would I still want her? What the hell is wrong with me?
Would she still act out this way if we were living together?
I think I will need to cut off contact. Her guilt trips are increasing and I am going through way to many emotions right now to deal...
Is that her plan? to drive me crazy?
Would she still act out this way if we were living together?
She is an ADDICT. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Cut your losses. Stop all contact with her and run as far away as possible in the opposite direction.
If you are concerned about getting into relationships with women like this being a pattern, you should get counseling for yourself.
Move on. You're better off without her.
I just wanted to add that my friend grew up being molested by various family members and neighbors and her reaction was hypersexuality. It was almost not even a choice but a reaction to being victimized and she had to flip it around.
So when you said your girlfriend was cruel she may not even be aware of what she's doing--to others, anyway. She only knows she has to basically be a sexual aggressor. You in the equation is just a circumstance of this, I think.
During low phases or low energy phases, was there more or less sex in your marriage?
Is this normal for a SA WS?
I have no idea. My husband's addiction spanned our entire relationship -- so there was his acting out,but also three pregnancies, various issues with kids and our families, etc. Hard to know what prompted the highs/lows of our sex life. I remember asking my husband and I think he told me he felt guiltier and we had less sex when he had been acting out.
The consensus here seems to be that I leave and never look back...I guess this is what I must do, but it hurts like hell. She sounds so convincing and tells me things like 'I will be with you always and forever' and 'we are gonna make the cutest old couple'...you mean to say this was all some deceitful script?
Does it also mean she never really loved me? or was that all lies and manipulations?
Donna she does have a background of sexual abuse so my guess is that your right...
I will seek counseling cause I really feel like I need to work on this. I don't want any repeat performances
I hear you eternaloptimist, but I really feel FAR from lucky right now. My prayers to all of you having to deal with this nightmare
I found out out six weeks ago.
It has probably happened since childhood - initally masturbation, porn mags and videos. Then from around 2002 he started using the internet site adult friend finder ... adding cyber sex/masturbation and voyeurism. The behaviour continued after we met in 2003 (concealed exceptionally well). After we got married in 2005 he started to meet people for one off sexual encounters in his lunch hour or while I was away.
I discovered text messages 6 weeks ago which lead to discovering the sites; the secret email accounts, the photos of himself posted on the websites.
He says that he has not engaged in any of those behaviours since I found out. He is in counselling, he accepts full responsibility for his behaviour and has not tried to blame me or our sex life since that initial time when I found out. I am scared that I will be betrayed again. I don't want to live a life of checking up on him and am in counselling myself for the trust issues I now have.
2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
Masturbation, porn mags, porn videos, cyber porn, cyber sex, dating websites, interest in women, couples and men! (apparently not acted on the interest in men IRL because never worked out) for one off sexual encounters.
He has told me he is very visual.
Not sure what is meant by verifying. I guess it means checking up on him. Up until now - a lot.
We agreed that he should tell me everything that is a temptation. We have limited his access to the internet. He saw an ad. in the paper listing sex with 2 young, female students for $160 and now feels that he should be accountable for all money. In the past he never thought he could afford sex with a prostitute, but now that someone has put a price on it he is aware that he COULD hide spending that amount of money so now he wants access to cash funds limited/ monitored.
3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?
Not that I know of, he says he has had temptation but not acted on anything. We have an agreement that he is to tell me when he has a temptation. Atthe moment he is feeling very upset over how much he has hurt me and how close he came to losing me. I am worried what will happen when life moves on and his current feelings are lessened by time.
We have recommenced sexual relations and there is a passion and satisfaction that has been lacking for years. Is this like giving an alcoholic a glass of wine? We are both concerned what happens when the sexlife goes through a rut (baby due in 9 weeks!!)
4. Do you have kids?
No. 1 due in July.
2 furry kids!
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
The need for support, inderstanding and advice.
6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
My trust issues. Wondering whether he really has stopped his behaviour. Wondering whether he really will refrain from it ever again.
7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
I thought we had the perfect relationship. We were and are each others best friend. I thought communication was good. I felt so fulfilled by him and his love and trusted him in a way I had never imagined I would EVER trust anyone in my life. Now, that illusion is shattered. And it devastates me that I can never have that innocent, blind belief and faith in him again. There will always be triggers.
8. Current status?
Reconciling. Working through his issues - the deep dark stuff in his past that he has never dealt with that has lead to engaging in sexually compulsive behaviour. He has realised that he sweeps things under the carpet rather than deal with them and so now he has a lifetime of crap to deal with at once.
I'm in counselling for my issues.
We'll need MC at some point and accept it will be a part of our future together to have ongoing maintanence on our marriage.
I am really thirsty to know as much as I can about SA and how to a) help and support him recover and b) be wised up to knowing he signs if he falls off the wagon.
I think I am lucky that it was not an affair with a particular person, because that means that there is no particular OW or OM trying to contact him. It makes it easier for me that he hasnt had an emotional connection with someone else ..... that is my rational brain talking; the flip side is that I still doubt the genuineness of his love for me, and wonder what they had that I didn't. Thankfully my rational voice is quite loud.
We havent told people about the infidelity or SA. Only my parents and his parents know. Do people think this is wise or is it better if people know so that they can keep check on him?
This is the BEST book (or anything for that matter) that I've read for spouses/partners of SA. Don't bother with any other book, read this one.
It's been more helpful in the first few chapters than anything else I've read. It's been more helpful in the first few chapters than the group I joined. I think between this book and my therapist (whom I am going to ask to read this book) I might just find some peace with this.
You all need to read this book.
Wow -- I could have written your post word for word, except that I already had three kids (youngest was three, eldest seven) when I found out.
I hope you can take care of yourself. The weeks before having a baby are so exhausting in any case, let alone dealing with something like this. Hang in there and know that I'm thinking of you.
My husband is almost a year out since I found out and 18 months since he sought help for himself. Getting counselling is critical -- someone who knows the addiction. SA groups are also important. I've seen a huge change since my husband finally got the courage to go to a group. Being able to tell your story to a roomful of people who've been where you are can be liberating and do a lot to help alleviate shame. I used to worry, like you, that once the fear of losing me wore off things would return to "normal" but my husband really has changed his life. He is adamant that he never wants to go down that path again. I think to some of us, the notion does seem intriguing (sex whenever we want it? With someone new??) and it's hard for us to know the shame that prompts the behaviour in the first place and results from the behaviour. My husband feels like he can (almost) look himself in the mirror now and like the person staring back. He doesn't want to lose that.
Keep talking to your husband, reading books about sexual addiction (in between dealing with a newborn ) and I think it'll go a long way toward helping you handle some of your fears.