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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you. It does feel good to "unload". Forgot to add in, though, that my mother -- who I long considered my closest friend (along with my husband) passed away two weeks after my husband's disclosure. The died the same day my book was published. To say I was numb is putting it mildly...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist,
While it pales in comparison, my situation involved the death of a loved one too, so I can understand your pain. My favorite aunt whom I was very close to died the day before I confirmed his infidelity. I was trying to figure out how to leave town to attend her funeral when I was hit with the truth. It's been two years and on the anniversary of that day this year I realized something. I have no memory of my aunt's funeral. I remember arriving at my parents' house at 4am to leave to drive to KS and collapsing in the garage when I saw my dad. I remember frantically being on my cell phone the moment we came back into range in CO to check if any of the OW had responded to the emails I sent. But I have no memory of the rest of that LONG, long day. We drove down and back in one day for the funeral. Sometimes I actually forget that she is dead. I keep thinking I will see her this June at our annual family reunion. I never mourned my beloved aunt because I was in hell trying to figure out just how many women my husband had screwed and when. I will never forgive him for THAT. Never.

I cannot imagine the pain of losing my mother. Cannot imagine. I'm so sorry for your pain.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day came about three weeks after I buried my father, who died 18 months after my mother. My FWH did not come to the funeral with me, begging off because he had cut his hand badly and because the drive from the airport would be too hard on his heart condition. I found out later she called him and begged him to come to her while I was away. He did. That one still squeezes my heart with a lot of pain. He tells me he sobbed uncontrollably in front of her due to he loss of my dad. Oh that makes it all better!!
I felt like my whole life fell out from under me. My past, my childhood was gone and then my marriage! I never felt so alone in my entire life.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you! And I'm so sorry for what you both have gone through, too. I don't think there's a "yardstick" of pain. Loss is loss...no matter what form it comes in.
I too remember feeling so alone. My mother knew about the initial affair and had been a source of incredible support to me. I didn't want to tell her about the sex addiction because I felt like I'd already burdened her so much -- I knew how agonizing my pain was to her, no matter how strong she is.
We had a conversation a week or so before she died in which I assured her that I was going to be okay -- I somehow knew that, now that there was a "name" and a plan for my husband's recovery, that I would be okay, no matter what path he chose.
And in hindsight, I suspect my mom knew on some level what my husband's problem was. She alluded a few times to it and I, not knowing better, assured her there had been only one woman, etc. But my mom had been in AA for years and I strongly believe that she knew about SA and had her suspicions about my husband.
In any case, out of suffering comes great lessons -- if we're open to them.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been going to a therapist for over 2 yrs and just never got what his SA behavior was. He had stopped the porn but was still looking over the babes and MB.

He finally went to his first SAA mtg 3 wks ago and what a difference. Hearing other people talk about the same things he's been doing gave him a light bulb moment. He now goes twice a week or more if we're home.

I go to my first COSA mtg tonight. It's the first one I can go to because we're not usually home on the night of the mtg. I'm not sure if I need this. I've been attending mtgs online for a couple of weeks but didn't understand fully what is going on. So I will find out IRL tonight what it's all about.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck Pebbles. Let us know how the meeting goes.

And that's good news re. your husband. I hope he continues to recognize himself in others and own up to the SA.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mtg was very well done. It is a very private and protected group of people.
They don't advertise or anything.

All spouses of SA's can join this program to work on themselves.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
hurtbuthealing
♂ Member
Member # 19274
Sad  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I am glad I found this place...I need some help...sorry this is long but I need to vent

A few years back I came off of a marriage where my ex tried to get pregnant without my consent. She lied about her birth control and tried to sabotage mine. It was painful but I decided to end the marriage...

A year later I met someone online and we hit it off pretty well. Trouble is she lived far away. I tried to move out where she lived but I really missed the ocean and all the natural beauty of home. Plus, she had an extremely high sex drive and that I just couldn't keep up with. There were times I would wake up and she would be on top of me. I loved her but I knew something wasn't quite right so I decided to leave...

She constantly masturbated, had many pornographic materials, and always wanted me to go to the porno store with her. She had sex on the brain 24/7 and I noticed she often neglected her kids. She had a darkness that surrounded her, but she was always so good with words and I wanted to believe her so much...

She finally confessed that she was a sex addict, but was seeing a counselor and had it under control

She pretended to faint as I was leaving, and that bought her some extra time. I still left eventually but she said she did not want to quit on me...

About a week after I arrive home she calls and tells me she is pregnant. We talk some more and decide to try again. She tells me a few days later that she miscarried. She said the stress of me not being there may have contributed. I feel awful about the whole thing...

We argued about who should move. At one point, she told me she thought she had cancer and needed to stay home. She wanted to get married asap...

I finally came up with a proposal where she could move out here all expenses paid. It would take about 6 months of savings for us to be together. She agreed and I thought our problems were behind us...

She apparently forgot that we both had access to each of our emails. I hardly checked them, but shortly after xmas I felt something was not right with her. I checked her email and was floored by what I had found...

She was a member of a few dating sites and was active. I also found an email from a singles group where she openly offered herself to the director, but he politely refused...

I confronted her about all this and at first she denied it. I told her I had proof and then she changed gears and was remorseful. She begged me to not leave her, and she would seek additional help. I love her and I wanted to believe her so I agreed...

She misses more and more phone calls and we begin to have heated arguments. I decide to hire a PI and got more bad news. The SA therapist she claims to be seeing never existed, she kept going to singles club events, and she apparently was starting an affair with a co-worker...

I told her I just could no longer trust her and ended it. I feel so sad and angry at the same time. How could someone be so cruel? How could someone manipulate and lie right to your face without so much as a blink? I feel so broken and just really devestated. I wonder if I can ever recover from this. The pain is unbearable at times...

Get this...she is furious at me for ending it. WTF??? She went on to say that her affair is my fault cause I was not there. I really think she believes all of her lies. It is just maddening...

This is the second straight time I have been betrayed. Why do I pick women like this? Is there something wrong with me? I feel really confused and just want to never be in a close relationship again...

Thank you for reading this. I just really needed to reach out and get this out of my troubled mind...


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I have learned about SA is that they are addicted to the drug released from the sex act.

It is just as addictive as alcohol. It's a hard one to overcome and deal with because everybody carries this drug around with them. It's just that some get addicted to it.

You were right to break it off. Obviously she isn't getting help.

It's hard to give advice on how to choose someone who isn't. They come from all walks of life just like an alcoholic.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
hurtbuthealing
♂ Member
Member # 19274
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding Pebbles

My head has been spinning just trying to make sense of this, but it just doesn't make any sense at all

Why would she be so cruel to get me to fall for her, then horror herself around town behind my back? Why spend countless hours telling me we were meant to be together then seemingly having no problem being with others?

What gets me the most is why she is acting angry towards me? Doesn't she have this backwards?

I guess your right. I did have to break it off. What I don't get is why she keeps calling and telling me this is my fault. I am beginning to think she is just plain evil...

Knowing this, why would I still want her? What the hell is wrong with me?


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
hurtbuthealing
♂ Member
Member # 19274
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question I need to ask...

Would she still act out this way if we were living together?

I think I will need to cut off contact. Her guilt trips are increasing and I am going through way to many emotions right now to deal...

Is that her plan? to drive me crazy?


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would she still act out this way if we were living together?

YES!!!

She is an ADDICT. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Cut your losses. Stop all contact with her and run as far away as possible in the opposite direction.

If you are concerned about getting into relationships with women like this being a pattern, you should get counseling for yourself.

Move on. You're better off without her.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
donnaquixote
♀ Member
Member # 18760
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not an expert of sexual addiction by any means, but I think you need to break it off. There is no way for you to be able to tell when she's lying and when not because she is protecting her freedom to get her sexual needs met, and keep as many avenues open so she can do what she needs to do to feed her needs.

I just wanted to add that my friend grew up being molested by various family members and neighbors and her reaction was hypersexuality. It was almost not even a choice but a reaction to being victimized and she had to flip it around.

So when you said your girlfriend was cruel she may not even be aware of what she's doing--to others, anyway. She only knows she has to basically be a sexual aggressor. You in the equation is just a circumstance of this, I think.


Me: WS, 37 Internet A with OM met on World of Warcraft in Spring 07, EA lasted from November to March 1 2008 cybering started in December
Him: BS, 38 (posts as Firewall)
Dday: March 3, 2008
two kids, one in elem. school

Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA Pacific Standard Time
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtbuthealing,
I think you would be wise to get counselling for yourself -- not only to understand the "why"s as much as it's ever possible to understand, but more because I think you'll understand that none of this really had anything to do with you. She has an addiction and whether she was with you or not, her acting out wouldn't change. My husband did it for 15 years -- all while married to me, having three kids and building a successful career. It's like having a double life.
As for the manipulation/cruelty, again I don't think it's personal -- as weird as that sounds. She's clearly very mixed up and obviously can't get her needs met the way a mature, reasonable person does -- by stating them -- so her only method involves guilt, blame, anger, etc.
In any case, this is no longer your problem. Sad as it is, the relationship was never what you might have thought it was -- it was always built on lies, deceit, manipulation -- and you are far better off without it.
However, what is your problem is doing what you can to recognize whether there's a pattern and why you're attracted to people who aren't honest and don't have your best interests at heart. Again, counselling just might make that clear and enable you to make better choices in the future.
I know how painful this is...but some of us consider you lucky for getting out before the stakes got even higher (kids, marriage, etc.) and getting the chance to find a relationship based on honesty, trust and mutual respect.
But first, give yourself time to heal...and get some answers for and about yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
crumbled cookie
♀ Member
Member # 9715
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my ws is SA. I was wondering, if you found during hyper acting out stages or cycles, was there more or less sex in your marriage?

During low phases or low energy phases, was there more or less sex in your marriage?

Is this normal for a SA WS?


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Feb 2006
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crumbled,

I have no idea. My husband's addiction spanned our entire relationship -- so there was his acting out,but also three pregnancies, various issues with kids and our families, etc. Hard to know what prompted the highs/lows of our sex life. I remember asking my husband and I think he told me he felt guiltier and we had less sex when he had been acting out.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
hurtbuthealing
♂ Member
Member # 19274
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for your replies...

The consensus here seems to be that I leave and never look back...I guess this is what I must do, but it hurts like hell. She sounds so convincing and tells me things like 'I will be with you always and forever' and 'we are gonna make the cutest old couple'...you mean to say this was all some deceitful script?

Does it also mean she never really loved me? or was that all lies and manipulations?

Donna she does have a background of sexual abuse so my guess is that your right...

I will seek counseling cause I really feel like I need to work on this. I don't want any repeat performances

I hear you eternaloptimist, but I really feel FAR from lucky right now. My prayers to all of you having to deal with this nightmare


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long has your WS been a sex addict, have you known, & what are they doing to deal with that (SA, etc)?

I found out out six weeks ago.
It has probably happened since childhood - initally masturbation, porn mags and videos. Then from around 2002 he started using the internet site adult friend finder ... adding cyber sex/masturbation and voyeurism. The behaviour continued after we met in 2003 (concealed exceptionally well). After we got married in 2005 he started to meet people for one off sexual encounters in his lunch hour or while I was away.
I discovered text messages 6 weeks ago which lead to discovering the sites; the secret email accounts, the photos of himself posted on the websites.
He says that he has not engaged in any of those behaviours since I found out. He is in counselling, he accepts full responsibility for his behaviour and has not tried to blame me or our sex life since that initial time when I found out. I am scared that I will be betrayed again. I don't want to live a life of checking up on him and am in counselling myself for the trust issues I now have.


2. How does your SA act out & how much verifying do you do?
Masturbation, porn mags, porn videos, cyber porn, cyber sex, dating websites, interest in women, couples and men! (apparently not acted on the interest in men IRL because never worked out) for one off sexual encounters.
He has told me he is very visual.

Not sure what is meant by verifying. I guess it means checking up on him. Up until now - a lot.
We agreed that he should tell me everything that is a temptation. We have limited his access to the internet. He saw an ad. in the paper listing sex with 2 young, female students for $160 and now feels that he should be accountable for all money. In the past he never thought he could afford sex with a prostitute, but now that someone has put a price on it he is aware that he COULD hide spending that amount of money so now he wants access to cash funds limited/ monitored.

3. Has the SA had relapses / slips?

Not that I know of, he says he has had temptation but not acted on anything. We have an agreement that he is to tell me when he has a temptation. Atthe moment he is feeling very upset over how much he has hurt me and how close he came to losing me. I am worried what will happen when life moves on and his current feelings are lessened by time.
We have recommenced sexual relations and there is a passion and satisfaction that has been lacking for years. Is this like giving an alcoholic a glass of wine? We are both concerned what happens when the sexlife goes through a rut (baby due in 9 weeks!!)

4. Do you have kids?

No. 1 due in July.
2 furry kids!

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

The need for support, inderstanding and advice.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

My trust issues. Wondering whether he really has stopped his behaviour. Wondering whether he really will refrain from it ever again.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I thought we had the perfect relationship. We were and are each others best friend. I thought communication was good. I felt so fulfilled by him and his love and trusted him in a way I had never imagined I would EVER trust anyone in my life. Now, that illusion is shattered. And it devastates me that I can never have that innocent, blind belief and faith in him again. There will always be triggers.

8. Current status?

Reconciling. Working through his issues - the deep dark stuff in his past that he has never dealt with that has lead to engaging in sexually compulsive behaviour. He has realised that he sweeps things under the carpet rather than deal with them and so now he has a lifetime of crap to deal with at once.
I'm in counselling for my issues.
We'll need MC at some point and accept it will be a part of our future together to have ongoing maintanence on our marriage.
I am really thirsty to know as much as I can about SA and how to a) help and support him recover and b) be wised up to knowing he signs if he falls off the wagon.

I think I am lucky that it was not an affair with a particular person, because that means that there is no particular OW or OM trying to contact him. It makes it easier for me that he hasnt had an emotional connection with someone else ..... that is my rational brain talking; the flip side is that I still doubt the genuineness of his love for me, and wonder what they had that I didn't. Thankfully my rational voice is quite loud.

We havent told people about the infidelity or SA. Only my parents and his parents know. Do people think this is wise or is it better if people know so that they can keep check on him?


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started reading "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stephanie Carnes. I have highlighted so much of the text I might as well just dip the whole thing in highlighter ink!

This is the BEST book (or anything for that matter) that I've read for spouses/partners of SA. Don't bother with any other book, read this one.

It's been more helpful in the first few chapters than anything else I've read. It's been more helpful in the first few chapters than the group I joined. I think between this book and my therapist (whom I am going to ask to read this book) I might just find some peace with this.

You all need to read this book.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

McKlain,

Wow -- I could have written your post word for word, except that I already had three kids (youngest was three, eldest seven) when I found out.
I hope you can take care of yourself. The weeks before having a baby are so exhausting in any case, let alone dealing with something like this. Hang in there and know that I'm thinking of you.
My husband is almost a year out since I found out and 18 months since he sought help for himself. Getting counselling is critical -- someone who knows the addiction. SA groups are also important. I've seen a huge change since my husband finally got the courage to go to a group. Being able to tell your story to a roomful of people who've been where you are can be liberating and do a lot to help alleviate shame. I used to worry, like you, that once the fear of losing me wore off things would return to "normal" but my husband really has changed his life. He is adamant that he never wants to go down that path again. I think to some of us, the notion does seem intriguing (sex whenever we want it? With someone new??) and it's hard for us to know the shame that prompts the behaviour in the first place and results from the behaviour. My husband feels like he can (almost) look himself in the mirror now and like the person staring back. He doesn't want to lose that.
Keep talking to your husband, reading books about sexual addiction (in between dealing with a newborn ) and I think it'll go a long way toward helping you handle some of your fears.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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