I think I will try to find the Shattered Heart book to read. And my mum has the road less travelled which I am led to believe will help me too. I shall alternate between what to expect and other texts related to a new baby and some theraputic reading.
I still wish I had a magic wand. But and so thankful of this website and the supportive members. I don't feel so alone anymore.
Just wanted to say congratulations on your pending arrival! I know congratulations aren't the norm on an infidelity board but it does seem important to recognize the wonderful things that are still happening in our lives (although they can sometimes be hard to see right now).
I wish you a lot of happiness and hope that you are able to focus some energy on your coming joy--and on staying healthy. As one whose appetite has kind of disappeared, I know the healthy part can be a battle.
So again- congratulations! I had my first in July (so I will be wishing cool weather for you:)
[This message edited by FeistyWoman at 10:53 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]
SEX AFTER DDAY
So I could use some help on this. If you are trying R with WS after discovering SA--what was sex like for the 1st time after DDay??
I am feeling like we might get to that point soon (it has been about a month and a half now) but I am worried about how I/it will feel. Am I suddenly going to break down crying in the middle of it as I think of him with all the other women.
Am I suddenly going to feel like I am being compared to them--and that I always have been compared to them?
Am I going to feel like I am trying to compete with the prostitute that he saw for over a year?
His SA issues aside, I have to recognize that I have not been as open in the sex department as I could have been (I think it felt different after the kids-like we needed to be more resposible, less spontaneous). I am very clear that none of that excuses or caused his behavior--but how do I try to step beyond that without feeling like I am just trying to keep up with all the other women he was with (and then there is that man, but let's forget about him for the moment. One pain at a time).
So--that's the question. Can anyone offer any advice/experience to help me through this? If we are going to try to R then this moment will come and I don't want it to feel awful!
I too worried about what would happen with our sex life. I felt as though he was somewhat used, spoilt, dirty. I wondered whether I could participate in sex without thinking of his indiscretions. Could we EVER get this part of our life back again?
I pondered over these thoughts for a few days and somehow it culminated in me kissing him. I was feeling very close to him, and positive about his commitment to recovery. It felt like we had come together as a team to deal with our situation and his problem. We hugged in an emotional moment and I kissed him because it felt right. Then passion did the rest. It felt right for me - I felt ready.
Things have been fairly passionate between us since then; but not all smooth sailing. I definately thought of those other encounters at times, but accepted that it must be normal to think of them. If the thoughts were overwhelming or painful I had to tell him that the sex had become a trigger for me and that I wasn't into it anymore. He was very understanding about stopping the sex, and would usually comfort me - and felt pretty bad that what he had done has hurt me so much.
Many times I didn't dwell on my thoughts (like - gee he has a new technique - where did he learn this?) but accepted them as normal. I would guess that this ability is a very individual thing and probably depend a lot on how close you are to your partner and how they are treating the BS in this process.
Now my fears have turned to - What happends when baby arrives and I am not able to have sex anymore? What about in the years to come when there is a rut in our sex life - afterall I thought that 'dry spells' was a normal part of a longterm relationship? I have talked to H about these fears .. and he has them too. We agreed we need to communicate and see a MC when we can resolve issues ourselves.
In the last few days we have had 2 failed attempts at sex and I feel a bit like some old habits/ feelings have come into play .... it isn't because I don't feel like sex, or because I am thinking of his infidelity - but something 'not right' about the foreplay. It just isn't working for me. This morning I realised that I have to follow my own advice/ rule and bring my feelings up with him so that we remain connected and can deal with it together.
My advice for you is to listen to your intuition, your gut, your instincts ~ and go with what feels right. If it feels wrong (or more wrong than right) then dont go there; but if it feels okay - then do what feels right. I realised that just asking myself these same questions was actually a sign that I was dealing with that issue and coming to terms with it. Within a matter of days I went from feeling quite repulsed by the thought of sex with him to actually doing it, being okay with it and feeling a close connection with him.
Good luck paving your own pathway!!
McKlain, You're a wise woman -- I think the key is communicating (how many YEARS did I hear that advice everywhere but believed that my husband and I were communicating wonderfully???) how each partner is feeling. We had incredibly frequent and really wonderful sex -- better than it had been in years -- in the weeks/months following disclosure. However, I insisted my husband look at me so I could be sure he wasn't fantasizing about someone else and whisper to me as well. As a result, it felt more intimate and almost spiritual -- like good sex should. We experimented a bit in part because all our graphic conversations led to him telling me about things he really liked but had never told me about. We're in a dry spell now, which his SA counsellor says is perfectly normal. In fact, he says a period of abstinence is generally normal and sometimes recommended.
The key is that EACH of you does only what feels comfortable and good and respectful of yourself and the other. My husband's SA also suggested that if my husband triggers during sex, he needs to tell me and stop until he feels okay with it. I suggested that my head just might explode...but, hey, give honesty a try.
The best part is how connected we feel outside the bedroom...not always, but certainly more than before. I'm still hurt by all the lies over the years, but I have a compassion for my husband and a respect for how hard he's working on this. Their commitment to recovery goes a LONG way to helping you heal.
We had rediscovered our sex life after the original Dday in Nov 06. And we've even had sex a couple of times after I found out about his continued deception and false R. But for the last couple of weeks I just don't feel able to. I fear that it makes me vulnerable, open to more pain. and it's not just physical intimacy but emotional too. I'm just too scared to open up. We seem to be existing in a superficial marriage, and I miss the closeness we had, but it's too soon and I'm too raw after 17 months of lies and deception to take the risk again.
Their commitment to recovery goes a LONG way to helping you heal.
I think that is why I am still holding out (so to speak). I am still a little unsure of how much commitment there really is--versus how much is just doing going through the steps.
I do think that going through the steps can eventually lead to a real commitment and understanding on his part, so I am trying to be patient. But I guess I am a little afraid that having sex again will seem like a free pass for him. And then I will be disappointed and hurt again-and feeling really stupid this time-that I thought he was committed to recovery.
On the bright side-WH has made an appt with a IC with extensive SA experience. That is next Tuesday. I was hoping he could get in before then. I feel like we are just on hold for now.
In the meantime sex seems so fraught with landmines! Probably not the right attitude for it to be a good experience! WH has not pushed at all. We haven't even kissed yet. Just some kisses on the cheek more recently.
Why does this have to be so hard????!!!?!?!?!?!??!
I just don't think he is getting that deep--and I worry that he isn't really capable of it.
Also--I haven't gotten the sense yet that there was a lot of shame or that it felt sordid to him. He seems so detached from it still that it makes me feel like there is something more there.
Back to the sex issue; reading the posts I remembered some of the thoughts I had during that first two weeks we became sexually active again - and the passion was so amazing!! If my thoughts went to a place where I wondered about how sensible it was to be having sex,or if I was compromising myself I reminded myself that I was choosing to engage and very much enjoying it - and if our relationship did/does break up thsi could be my last chance for a long time for some sex - given that I will soon be a fatigued new mother who would not get much opportunity or probably have much desire to find a sex partner!!! So I suppose I was taking advantage of the good sex while it was available. I hope that doesn't sound too callous; and I want also recount that the sex felt right for me, and there was no guilt or shame about it; even though I sometimes had to ignore the niggling feeling that reminded me about the other people.
My H is seeing 2 counsellors - both trained as psychologists, but I am not sure that either is focussing on the SA; but rather the unresolved issues that have surfaced around his mother's alcoholism and abandonment as a child (2 parents very career oriented) leading to a fear of being alone. I am wondering whether we should look for someone who is more familiar with SA ... but we live in a small city and getting professional help at all was amazingly difficult in the first place!!!!!!!
I am confident that the shock of almost losing me and our dream has put the SA at bay for now .... but it is down the track that worries me and makes me think he needs specific counselling on those issues. In your experience does dealing with the deep seeted childhood issues help with the SA? The good sign for me is that I can see some signs of his mindset/ thinking changing already .... like when talking about his parents' dysfunctional relationship he now comments that they both blame each other for their issues and neither will take responsibility for their own shit. I felt great hope when I heard him saying this, because when I first found out about H's infidelity and I figured out it was SA, he was blaming his parents for it!!!!!!! So there has been some comforting shift in his thinking.
I am sorry that I have rambled off on to my own issues when I was actually posting about FWs!!! I acknowledge my tendency to be self absorbed at the moment and thank you in anticipation of your patience and understanding!
How did you go about finding a good SA therapist?
I just found a website called www.recoverynation.com which offers counselling for addicts/partners and couples. I havent had a chance to talk about it with my H but am thinking that perhaps we would benefit from going through the process together.
Thought I'd mention it incase anyone else is looking for something similar.
Best wishes in dealing with his family issues; I can definately relate to how frustrating that must be for you.
(((hugs))) and a prayer for your progress together :)
How did you go about finding a good SA therapist?
That is the best place to find a qualified CSAT.
Seriously. I've read it cover to cover twice in the last two weeks.
Where was this book when I JFO??? It would have been invaluable to me. I'm glad to have it now but it would have been soooo much help 2 years ago. So much.
Anyway, this is the best thing to come along for me in a very long time and I just want to make sure that all the spouses/partners of SA know about it.