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User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist
It made me cry with relief to hear that someone can relate to my situation; and most of all to hear that someone in the same situation is experiencing success.
We live in a small city and an SAA group has only just started up here. I believe it is mixed and I am feeling quite unsure about it. I don't think that WS' counsellors have suggested it but 2 counsellors I have seen gave me info. on it for him. I haven't really discussed it with WS as I am concerned that it could be a form of networking. I know that probably sounds silly - but given that it is a very new group in our small city, and I understand that it is co-educational, I have some concerns..... for example - who are the mentors if everyone is new?
I probably should investigate some more.

I think I will try to find the Shattered Heart book to read. And my mum has the road less travelled which I am led to believe will help me too. I shall alternate between what to expect and other texts related to a new baby and some theraputic reading.

I still wish I had a magic wand. But and so thankful of this website and the supportive members. I don't feel so alone anymore.


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

McKlain-

Just wanted to say congratulations on your pending arrival! I know congratulations aren't the norm on an infidelity board but it does seem important to recognize the wonderful things that are still happening in our lives (although they can sometimes be hard to see right now).

I wish you a lot of happiness and hope that you are able to focus some energy on your coming joy--and on staying healthy. As one whose appetite has kind of disappeared, I know the healthy part can be a battle.

So again- congratulations! I had my first in July (so I will be wishing cool weather for you:)

[This message edited by FeistyWoman at 10:53 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK-new topic for me tonight (this one is kind of personal)

SEX AFTER DDAY

So I could use some help on this. If you are trying R with WS after discovering SA--what was sex like for the 1st time after DDay??

I am feeling like we might get to that point soon (it has been about a month and a half now) but I am worried about how I/it will feel. Am I suddenly going to break down crying in the middle of it as I think of him with all the other women.

Am I suddenly going to feel like I am being compared to them--and that I always have been compared to them?

Am I going to feel like I am trying to compete with the prostitute that he saw for over a year?

His SA issues aside, I have to recognize that I have not been as open in the sex department as I could have been (I think it felt different after the kids-like we needed to be more resposible, less spontaneous). I am very clear that none of that excuses or caused his behavior--but how do I try to step beyond that without feeling like I am just trying to keep up with all the other women he was with (and then there is that man, but let's forget about him for the moment. One pain at a time).

So--that's the question. Can anyone offer any advice/experience to help me through this? If we are going to try to R then this moment will come and I don't want it to feel awful!


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeistyWoman
Thank you for your good wishes... I was initially quite resentful of the fact that i was pregnant; and self harm to me and the baby was certainly in my thoughts. But I can honestly say that I am now pleased to be in the position I am ~ pregnant that is!!!

I too worried about what would happen with our sex life. I felt as though he was somewhat used, spoilt, dirty. I wondered whether I could participate in sex without thinking of his indiscretions. Could we EVER get this part of our life back again?
I pondered over these thoughts for a few days and somehow it culminated in me kissing him. I was feeling very close to him, and positive about his commitment to recovery. It felt like we had come together as a team to deal with our situation and his problem. We hugged in an emotional moment and I kissed him because it felt right. Then passion did the rest. It felt right for me - I felt ready.
Things have been fairly passionate between us since then; but not all smooth sailing. I definately thought of those other encounters at times, but accepted that it must be normal to think of them. If the thoughts were overwhelming or painful I had to tell him that the sex had become a trigger for me and that I wasn't into it anymore. He was very understanding about stopping the sex, and would usually comfort me - and felt pretty bad that what he had done has hurt me so much.
Many times I didn't dwell on my thoughts (like - gee he has a new technique - where did he learn this?) but accepted them as normal. I would guess that this ability is a very individual thing and probably depend a lot on how close you are to your partner and how they are treating the BS in this process.

Now my fears have turned to - What happends when baby arrives and I am not able to have sex anymore? What about in the years to come when there is a rut in our sex life - afterall I thought that 'dry spells' was a normal part of a longterm relationship? I have talked to H about these fears .. and he has them too. We agreed we need to communicate and see a MC when we can resolve issues ourselves.
In the last few days we have had 2 failed attempts at sex and I feel a bit like some old habits/ feelings have come into play .... it isn't because I don't feel like sex, or because I am thinking of his infidelity - but something 'not right' about the foreplay. It just isn't working for me. This morning I realised that I have to follow my own advice/ rule and bring my feelings up with him so that we remain connected and can deal with it together.

My advice for you is to listen to your intuition, your gut, your instincts ~ and go with what feels right. If it feels wrong (or more wrong than right) then dont go there; but if it feels okay - then do what feels right. I realised that just asking myself these same questions was actually a sign that I was dealing with that issue and coming to terms with it. Within a matter of days I went from feeling quite repulsed by the thought of sex with him to actually doing it, being okay with it and feeling a close connection with him.

Good luck paving your own pathway!!


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll weigh in on the sex issue as it's a tough one.

McKlain, You're a wise woman -- I think the key is communicating (how many YEARS did I hear that advice everywhere but believed that my husband and I were communicating wonderfully???) how each partner is feeling. We had incredibly frequent and really wonderful sex -- better than it had been in years -- in the weeks/months following disclosure. However, I insisted my husband look at me so I could be sure he wasn't fantasizing about someone else and whisper to me as well. As a result, it felt more intimate and almost spiritual -- like good sex should. We experimented a bit in part because all our graphic conversations led to him telling me about things he really liked but had never told me about. We're in a dry spell now, which his SA counsellor says is perfectly normal. In fact, he says a period of abstinence is generally normal and sometimes recommended.
The key is that EACH of you does only what feels comfortable and good and respectful of yourself and the other. My husband's SA also suggested that if my husband triggers during sex, he needs to tell me and stop until he feels okay with it. I suggested that my head just might explode...but, hey, give honesty a try.
The best part is how connected we feel outside the bedroom...not always, but certainly more than before. I'm still hurt by all the lies over the years, but I have a compassion for my husband and a respect for how hard he's working on this. Their commitment to recovery goes a LONG way to helping you heal.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am struggling with the sex issue.

We had rediscovered our sex life after the original Dday in Nov 06. And we've even had sex a couple of times after I found out about his continued deception and false R. But for the last couple of weeks I just don't feel able to. I fear that it makes me vulnerable, open to more pain. and it's not just physical intimacy but emotional too. I'm just too scared to open up. We seem to be existing in a superficial marriage, and I miss the closeness we had, but it's too soon and I'm too raw after 17 months of lies and deception to take the risk again.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's a right/wrong in this. You need to respect your feelings and his -- and expect the same from him. It is easy to feel raw and vulnerable. And I think, too, what's happening in the sex area is a microcosm of what's happening in the relationship as a whole. I think when I'm avoiding sex, it's frequently because I don't want to look too closely at other issues in the marriage...and sex tends to bring those issues to surface.
I'm currently avoiding the whole same-sex thing. Just want to cover my ears and go la-la-la-la-la-la


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their commitment to recovery goes a LONG way to helping you heal.

I think that is why I am still holding out (so to speak). I am still a little unsure of how much commitment there really is--versus how much is just doing going through the steps.

I do think that going through the steps can eventually lead to a real commitment and understanding on his part, so I am trying to be patient. But I guess I am a little afraid that having sex again will seem like a free pass for him. And then I will be disappointed and hurt again-and feeling really stupid this time-that I thought he was committed to recovery.

On the bright side-WH has made an appt with a IC with extensive SA experience. That is next Tuesday. I was hoping he could get in before then. I feel like we are just on hold for now.

In the meantime sex seems so fraught with landmines! Probably not the right attitude for it to be a good experience! WH has not pushed at all. We haven't even kissed yet. Just some kisses on the cheek more recently.

Why does this have to be so hard????!!!?!?!?!?!??!


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too think that meeting with an IC with SA experience will mean your husband will come face to face with someone who really knows him...and won't fall for any bullshit. I think it's scary for them...but liberating in a way. Being accepted for who they are is a pipe dream for them. They're so convinced that they're disgusting vile creatures. I know my husband cried a lot for the first little while. Anything could set him off -- a hug from the kids, a smile from me, a sappy commercial. He said that for the first time he felt "free" of all the secrets. He had grown up in an incredibly shame-based family so he'd never really felt accepted for who he was. To know that all his dark dirty secrets were out -- and that there were others with equally dark, dirty secrets -- really helps them acknowledge how painful that life really is. In my husband's case, he's adamant that he never wants to go down that path again. Hard for me to understand sometimes because to me it sounds like a 12-year frat party. To him, it felt shameful and sordid. The sex was a physical release for sure...but dredged up all sorts of bad feelings that he'd just push back down. Funny, I can understand all this on an intellectual level...but I still struggle some days with understanding it on an emotional level and believing I can trust him again. I get little glimpses of how awful it might have been but I also have to acknowledge how awful it was for me too. Alone much of the time with three kids, taking on far too much responsibility for everything, and truly believing he was incapable of ever betraying me. It's tough to trust again when you've blindly trusted in the first place.
However, time does work magic...along with plenty of soul-searching.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the things that is making me really wonder where he is with this is that there have been NO tears on his part. He has seemed sad and overwhelmed at times--but not that level of "Oh my god, what have I done?!" emotion that I feel like I need to see.

I just don't think he is getting that deep--and I worry that he isn't really capable of it.

Also--I haven't gotten the sense yet that there was a lot of shame or that it felt sordid to him. He seems so detached from it still that it makes me feel like there is something more there.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeistyWoman ~
Sounds like your gut/ intuition is telling you there is more.
Re: the not crying, I have read/ heard that being unable to show emotion can be a sign of depression, and depression is often associated with SA. I do not claim to be an expert (!!!) however it is something to ponder over and perhaps raise in counselling. My H doesnt cry much either - there was the inital, desperate, child-like despair cry when I found out and told him to leave our house (this was before I knew anything about his SA beh and I only knew he had had a woman to my house and had sex with her in my bed with my favourite sheets while I was away overnight feeling sorry for him that he had been so stressed at work). I has cried in his IC sessions too. When we talk he doesn't cry much; and I wondered about this too. But I can see the sadness in his face. Sometimes I think his pain is beyond the point of crying over it .... I don't think he has actually truly grieved for anything that has happened in his lifetime - he shoved the feelings aside and replaced them with a pleasurable feeling from his SA. That's the crux of addiction, isn't it?

Back to the sex issue; reading the posts I remembered some of the thoughts I had during that first two weeks we became sexually active again - and the passion was so amazing!! If my thoughts went to a place where I wondered about how sensible it was to be having sex,or if I was compromising myself I reminded myself that I was choosing to engage and very much enjoying it - and if our relationship did/does break up thsi could be my last chance for a long time for some sex - given that I will soon be a fatigued new mother who would not get much opportunity or probably have much desire to find a sex partner!!! So I suppose I was taking advantage of the good sex while it was available. I hope that doesn't sound too callous; and I want also recount that the sex felt right for me, and there was no guilt or shame about it; even though I sometimes had to ignore the niggling feeling that reminded me about the other people.

My H is seeing 2 counsellors - both trained as psychologists, but I am not sure that either is focussing on the SA; but rather the unresolved issues that have surfaced around his mother's alcoholism and abandonment as a child (2 parents very career oriented) leading to a fear of being alone. I am wondering whether we should look for someone who is more familiar with SA ... but we live in a small city and getting professional help at all was amazingly difficult in the first place!!!!!!!

I am confident that the shock of almost losing me and our dream has put the SA at bay for now .... but it is down the track that worries me and makes me think he needs specific counselling on those issues. In your experience does dealing with the deep seeted childhood issues help with the SA? The good sign for me is that I can see some signs of his mindset/ thinking changing already .... like when talking about his parents' dysfunctional relationship he now comments that they both blame each other for their issues and neither will take responsibility for their own shit. I felt great hope when I heard him saying this, because when I first found out about H's infidelity and I figured out it was SA, he was blaming his parents for it!!!!!!! So there has been some comforting shift in his thinking.

I am sorry that I have rambled off on to my own issues when I was actually posting about FWs!!! I acknowledge my tendency to be self absorbed at the moment and thank you in anticipation of your patience and understanding!


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey -- enough with the chastising yourself for self-absorption. I think if any of us were MORE self-absorbed, we might not be in this situation. It's that focus on taking care of others that is, in my case anyway, part of the problem!!
I think it's important for people to look at the roots of SA -- it doesn't just appear if there aren't some pretty deep issues there, but still take responsibility for the acting out. In my husband's case, he spent 10 years of our marriage defending his family no matter how insensitive/insulting/cruel they were to me, to him or to our children. There was always an excuse of why I'd misunderstood them, or why it wasn't really their fault. When the SA was revealed, my husband's therapist recommended he read Toxic Parents and he can barely read more than two or three pages without getting enraged. He's finally acknowledging (and confessing to me the abuse that went on) how truly dysfunctional that family was -- something I'd always suspected but could never quite put my finger on. So it's important that he acknowledge it, because his ability to minimize their dysfunction and deny his own feelings is a large part of what allowed him to lead the double life. The ability to compartmentalize is incredible -- and both of your husband's lack of strong emotion sounds to me a lot like they're still compartmentalizing. I think at some point, the walls need to come down in order for them to really come to terms with what they've done to us...and to themselves. However, I guess all of us handle our emotions in different ways. As long as we process them in a way that's healthy.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have affirmed my thoughts on the subject.

How did you go about finding a good SA therapist?

I just found a website called www.recoverynation.com which offers counselling for addicts/partners and couples. I havent had a chance to talk about it with my H but am thinking that perhaps we would benefit from going through the process together.
Thought I'd mention it incase anyone else is looking for something similar.


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist
It is great that your husband is willing to read books ... mine has never been a reader and I dont think there is much chance of getting him to read much more than an article at a time ... but you never know.

Best wishes in dealing with his family issues; I can definately relate to how frustrating that must be for you.
(((hugs))) and a prayer for your progress together :)


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband isn't much of a reader either -- if they would broadcast this stuff in between the Jon Stewart Show and The Colbert Report, I think we'd have a lot less acting out and lot more informed addicts!!
And speaking of counsellors, my husband has never actually met his face-to-face. He called a treatment facility in Toronto (we live outside Toronto) that has a sexual addiction program and was referred to a guy that does phone counselling. The place is called Bellwood and my guess is they could recommend programs in other places that might offer similar phone counselling. The guy we have is incredible -- incredibly well-versed in the issue, very intelligent, very wise...and very compassionate. He's made my husband feel less ashamed but won't stand for any of the excuses/bullshit. He gently convinced my husband (after close to a year) to go to a 12-step group, which is my husband's personal version of hell. But he eventually went and, once the fear disappeared that he was going to be laughed at and pointed at and "outed" to the world, he actually gets a lot out of them.
So...consider phone counselling. I'm not sure if recoverynation.com has that option, but it's worth investigating.
And, at the risk of becoming an advocate for sex addicts, I think it's hard for someone who has spent their entire life denying their feelings/emotions to suddenly know how to express them. They may never be touchy-feely type guys. But expecting them to communicate honestly and openly is certainly reasonable. And I think therapy can go a long way in helping them recognize and express their feelings. I sometimes tell my husband, when he's informing me that something I've done has made him feel unvalued or unappreciated or something, that I preferred him when he didn't have a clue how he was feeling!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you go about finding a good SA therapist?

http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

That is the best place to find a qualified CSAT.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have I mentioned that you all need to read "Mending a Shattered Heart"??

Seriously. I've read it cover to cover twice in the last two weeks.

Where was this book when I JFO??? It would have been invaluable to me. I'm glad to have it now but it would have been soooo much help 2 years ago. So much.

Anyway, this is the best thing to come along for me in a very long time and I just want to make sure that all the spouses/partners of SA know about it.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs....I just started the book. I am so busy at work and grad school right now so I don't have the time to really get at it. But even the first chapter or so was brilliant. The one point that really hit me was the idea that often the partner of a sex addict lives a life filled with drama and chaos. That was my life!! It got to the point where I began to embrace the drama and chaos and joked about it. To honest, it defined me. It all makes sense now. I can't wait to read the rest and like you, will be recommending it to anyone who is going through this.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started reading it too -- and I'm hating it! I found the first two chapters pretty much re-hashed Patrick Carnes' books so it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard. Then I skipped to the chapter for straight men who've had gay sex -- desperately hoping for something that reiterated what my husband and his counsellor say: that it's quite common, just another "fix", etc. Instead, I read some story about a man and woman -- he constantly telling his wife that the men he had sex with were "just sex " (gee, I've heard that before....), telling her how much he loved her (h'mmmmm, heard that too), etc. Until he leaves her for another man! Admittedly, this is a tender spot at the moment for me. I've heard of three men in the past two weeks who left their wives for other men (these are real-life people I know, not in books) so I'm starting to feel as thought there's a "theme" here.
I'll try and read some more of the book but right now it's just triggering me something horrible!
And...ever notice that when it rains, it pours? Suddenly my mom's death last summer is weighing heavily on me, my work feels completely without purpose or value, my children seem ungrateful and destined to become Unabomber wannabes... In short, I'm having a long, drawn-out pity party -- which just makes me angrier and more disgusted with myself. I'm a "pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps" type and instead, I can't stop crying and just want to run away and join a circus. Not a circus like my life is, but a real circus with a bearded lady and dog-faced boy. I'll stop shaving my legs and become the dog-legged girl!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((eternaloptimist))))
cos you deserve them.
The optimist in you knows that you just have to hang in there while you feel this way and you will come out of it okay.
more ((((eternaloptimist)))))


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
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