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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsB ~
I have to tell you that I laugh SO hard when I read about the colour coded spreadsheet - not because I don't relate - but because I DO!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like me to a tee ......
Maybe there is a correlation here with SA's being attracted to Obsessive Compulsive types?
Should we take a poll on how many BS of SAs have OCD tendencies?
Unfortunately I don't yet have enough details to make a spread sheet ... WH says he has blocked most of it out - has anyone else had a S who says this?? my WH was not under the influence of anything; just blocked it out. I've told him that I will need to know more at some point and am ready to know now.


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm also one for wanting to know details. No matter how painful it is to know, for me it's much better than leaving it to my fertile imagination. The trouble is, how do I know if he's telling me everything? Throughout our false R he's only ever told me things after I confronted him with proof? As far as I can see, I'd never be able to find out if there was anything else to know, and although he says I know it all now, I've heard that so many times I simply can't believe him. I hate it, I really do.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also LOVE the spreadsheet--and color-coded??--absolutely (although I don't even want to think about what the different colors signify!)

I spoke with WH's IC briefly this afternoon-just to touch base and set an appt for me for next week. She was very nice--but I am still unsettled by it. I think it feels really weird to have someone else getting so involved in my WH's inner workings. I absolutely think he needs it and we need it--but dare I say, I felt a little threatened by it?? God save me, I hope it is not because she is a woman. Please tell me I have not gone that pathetic!

I know I need to deal because it is important for me that my WH figure this out so we can try to rebuild a future together. It is just one more aspect of my new life that I don't want to deal with.

I did not get into a discussion with her about disclosure--we'll save that for the appt. I think I would also like something in writing. I have already made a lot of notes but I think it would be good to have him put it down in words.

howcouldhe1---maybe that would help you--if he wrote it down and you had he something to go back to verify in case you felt like the details were changing. he I know that is no fun for long term life-but if it helps you get through the short-term than I am all for it.

It is all about us now-right! Or not-maybe that is why the IC call bothered me somewhat--that there is someone out there who is going to be doing all they can for WH---good for him, but I think I gotta get me one of those IC.

Boy-I am really rambling today. I think I need to just go to bed and try to not dream about all of this.

Take care all and here is to a better day tomorrow.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh*
I am so down today.
Wh and I both had seperate IC yesterday, with our seperate therapists.
My session went well - I felt good about the discussions.
WH was feeling down after his. He didn't have much to share and I was okay with that. He said his IC said we should start seperate MC - and I am okay with that.
Over tea, I raised the discussion of our friend ... brief history - good friend of mine, became good friend of ours. He gets along well with her, thinks alot of her. I've had insecurity towards her because of things she has done in the past - i.e. not loyal re:friendships and men. She's never gone out with a married man, but she has moved in on a guy that a friend or co-worker was interested in/ beginning to date on 2 occasions I know of. However, I always trusted H implicitly and mostly dismissed my insecurity. Now WH has disclosed that he once had fantasies about us having a 3some with her. Problem is ... this friend is WHs ONLY other emotional friend other than me. After me, she is the one he would talk to (not parents cos they are F@#*, or brothers, or co-workers - no mates.... part of his SA related issues is social isolation; although on the surface no one would realise that fact). So my IC agreed that I had valid reasons for feeling uneasy about the friendship. I decided that friendship should continue between me and her, and us and her but explained to spouse that the risk of a him and her relationship becoming emotional if he ever needed someone other than me to talk to (i.e. if we are having troubles!!) was too great and would be a step towards an A. H said he was accepting of whatever had to happen for us to move forward together. so he was okay with my 'plan'.
However, after I had told him this he suddenly remembered stuff to tell me about his session with IC - like that I am not allowed to say "I read something on the internet ..." anymore and that I am not to use the internet as a source of information anymore. Nor should I use SI.com anymore.
I suspect by the agressive way he 'stated' what i 'have' to do that he was unknowingly reacting in a very immature, childish way to the fact that I had just cut him off from his only friend. "If I can't be the batter, Im taking my bat and ball and going home".
I feel like shit now, because I see this site as a support group for me.
I know my H is scared that when I go on the internet I could be sliding down the same slippery slope as he did ... but the difference is I am more evolved emotionally so I actually keep myself in check and am aware of this along the way.
*sigh*
Feeling really down. And have lost a little faith in his IC now. Why doesnt she see his child like behaviour and call him on it?


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

McKlain,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. My husband sounds a lot like yours. Very pouty and childlike when he doesn't get his way. I think him dictating to you the terms of your healing is also very wrong-headed. If possible, try to overlook the silliness and simply point out to him that you need to do whatever it takes to help you heal emotionally from this and not become bitter, frightened, and more traumatized than you already are. The Internet is full of sick crazy people (my husband knows many of them -- intimately!!) But there are zillions of wonderful people, just like in the real world. And this site offers anonymous (he has to like that part!) non-judgemental support, which is impossible to get in real life. This site saved me more than once and allowed me to "protect" my husband from blabbing his secrets to the world. There are times that you need people who've been where you are, know your pain and can offer up a cyber-hug when needed.
Perhaps give him time to pout, then come back by stating what you need for yourself. You don't need his permission to take care of yourself. And you're certainly within your rights to ask for (demand!) what you need from him. It's like when there's a car accident. They guy who drove the car through the red light doesn't get to dictate the terms, the victim gets to decide... (bad analogy, but I think you get my point).
Hang in there. We've all had those days. And as your husband continues in therapy, he'll become less like his old self-centred self and evolve into someone who recognizes the depth of the hurt he's inflicted and can understand that both spouse's needs are important. It's just that your need to heal, trust, etc. trumps his need for a close female friend at the moment...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist.
Thank you SO much.
You make me laugh and sooth my soul at the same time, and I really appreciate that.

You are such special people, here; especially because so many of you are 'emotionally evolved' enough to realise that although you would not choose the hurt and pain of betrayal, it can make us stronger and better people if we let it. I admire you all so much.


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in with all on Mother's Day.

Looks like we need a little bump.

Hope you are all having good days. We finally have some sun here so I'll take it as a good day.

Going to go plant some flowers and try not to think about too much.

Hope you are all doing well.

FW


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
McKlain
♀ New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FW.
Mothers Day was nice here.
H and I spent the day together - church in the morning and then we cooked a roast for my mum at her house.
H organised a card and choccies from the furry kids + the inutero kid which was nice.
Hope that your flowers are blooming good :)


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey folks!

Plan on going to another SAnon meeting this Tues. Got the sitter all lined up (do you ever find yourself wondering at what point you were supposed to turn right and turned left instead...which now means that Tues. evenings are spent dealing with conversations about sex addiction instead of dinner and a movie??). I'm bracing myself to the "sexaholic" language that grates on me. Anyone else object to that term? Sounds so 70s -- free love, make love not war... Sex addict sounds far more clinical and accurate to me. I also object to the language in the SAnon brochure about how they became addicted to "lust". Again, it sounds almost appealing... I'm trying not to get caught up in the semantics and just focus on the message.
And still trudging through Stephanie Carnes book. While simultaneously reading C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed". Seems to me that we should only have one life crisis to deal with at a time. Death or infidelity. Not both. Then again, I suspect the people in Burma would like to have a chat with me about fairness.
Hope you all had a good weekend and that your hearts are healing...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in almost a year since I mostly chat with a few people on here through PM. One year ago, I had my first dday and next month it'll be the a year since d-day 2.

After some counseling, he learned that he's a sex addict.

Anyway, my H hasn't cheated on me since the last dday but several times I cought him sending messages to women on Myspace and reponding to adult ads on Craigslist. I deleted his first Myspace profile and the last time he contacted a woman online was today and before that, on March 20th this year. I set conditions for him because I'm tired of putting up with his shenanigans.

When he slipped up last time, I wrote up a mock contract basically telling him I would leave ASAP the minute he cheated on me in any way, be it in person or on the internet.

He's addicted to porn and I can tolerate that as long as he admits that slip up within 24 hours because I don't expect him to not slip up once in a while.

Since he went a month without chatting with other women on here, I let him have a Myspace again and I even made it for him. Today I caught him telling a woman on Myspace that she's beautiful.

I saw her reply and she seemed clueless, she just said "Thank you, do I know you?" His profile is set to private so obviously she didn't know he's married.

Well, I said it was over and I was about to make the arrangements to pack my bags and the kids and leave. He stopped me and begged me to reconsider. Because of the fact that a complement was all that was said to this woman on Myspace and the fact that she didn't show much interest, I let it slide just this once.

My H regresses on his addictions the most when he's stressed and has nothing to do. Today he was off from work so that put some time on his hands.

He already allows me to monitor his online activities and he even encourages me to do that all the time to keep him in check. I even bought a keylogger to ensure that I won't be blindsighted.

I guess my question is, did I do the right thing by letting it slide?

Had he given that woman his cell phone number and/or asked to meet with her I would be packing my bags right now. I even told him that, and I also told him this would be the final warning.

He keeps telling me he needs my help to fight his addiction.

Just read my profile as well as my older posts on here if you want to know my story.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:38 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree,
I'm so sorry you're still dealing with any of this crap! What he's doing is disrespectful and a very slippery slope...
Is your husband in any kind of counselling specific to SA? It sounds as if he's put you (and you've put yourself) in the role of policing his activities. Unhealthy for a marriage, but unhealthy for you personally. I get that you might need to reassure yourself, but taking responsibility for what he's doing and doling out Myspace privileges for good behaviour sounds more like a parole officer than a wife.
It sounds as if he recognizes he has a problem, but is relinquishing responsibility for it. He needs support in place (a sponsor, counsellor, etc.) so that when he's feeling bored or whatever, he's got a plan so that he doesn't indulge in porn and messaging. In my opinion, even the porn is simply keeping him engaged in his addiction. It contributes to objectifying women, which makes the messaging, etc., seem not so bad.
My advice has less to do with whether you let it go this time and more to do with getting both of you the support/help you need to create a healthy relationship. You know whether you should give him another chance. If you decide to, I think you need to set some hard-and-fast requirements -- the first being that he either go to a 12-step group for addicts and/or get himself an SA counsellor. He might be saying all the right things, but in my opinion, he's doing all the wrong things.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist

He was going to Sex AA meetings but his schedule doesn't let him and he's extremely worried about providing for this family.

Today I told him that our marriage cannot afford for him not to go to these meetings.

Also, he had a counseling session with our former and because he was too judgmental and on a personal level, he has a hard time trusting anyone now.

I don't know what the hell to do now.

I thought we were past this, we're obviously not. I know I can't babysit him all the time.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:35 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that your WH seems on a very very slippery slope.

The Myspace messages, responding to Craigslist ads and even porn - sound like just different manifestations of his addiction that he does not seem to have under control.

Your gut is telling you that what he did was wrong. He knows you are watching him-so what else is he doing undercover?

Sorry to be pessimistic--but that doesn't mean I think you just leave. Only you can know what is right-but he needs a serious reality check to get him serious about therapy.



Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're wiser than you give yourself credit for. You know he needs to get to those meetings. I know there are many different times/days in my city (which is relatively small) -- can he find another group that works with his schedule. Can he at least find a sponsor whom he can call when he's feeling tempted?
You've got your hands full enough with three young kids. They're children -- they need your attention. Your husband is a grownup who needs to do whatever it takes to preserve his family. My husband is king of excuses -- but in the end, that's all they are. He always managed to find a way to work things into his schedule that he wanted to do. I fear that your husband is creating excuses, then expecting you to protect him from himself or overlook what he deems as less hurtful behaviour (messaging, but not meeting). C'mon -- you and I both know what those messages lead to.
Stick to your resolve. You and your kids are worth fighting for! He can either fight his addiction or give in to it. But you can't fight it for him. You can only protect yourself and your kids from it. I often ask myself what advice I would give my daughter (once she's an adult) if she was facing a similar dilemma. What would you say?


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist,

I feel so f***** stupid for letting it slide. Sorry for the language I'm just pissed off. I had to lock my daughter in her room so I can have some time to vent. I want to just tell him right now to either get help now or I'm gone but then that's probably going to be one more gun I won't be able to stick to. Should I take back my giving him a second chance and pack my bags now????


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bad for giving second (and third and fourth, etc. etc.) chances. I think you need to stop issuing ultimatums until you can stick to them. If you're not in counselling, I think it would help you a great deal. You need to learn to value yourself enough to know what are non-negotiables in your marriage and to know you're worth taking care of (by yourself and him).
Perhaps with the help of a therapist, counsellor, some wise soul, you can get yourself to a place where you can tell him -- AND MEAN IT -- what you refuse to tolerate in your marriage. Then, it's up to him. If he can't respect those boundaries, then he's made his choice and you can dump him. But if he determines that his marriage matters enough, then you both win (not to mention the kids).
I know that I struggle with trying to manage my husband's recovery -- but I've learned that when I start trying to do that, it's an indication that I need to start paying attention to myself and figuring out what it is that I need that I'm not getting.
Please take care of yourself. I ache for you and your kids. I know that horrible knot-in-the-stomach, please-don't-make-me-stick-to-my-ultimatum feeling all too well. It's time to put the focus back on you (if it was ever even there) and figure out what YOU want out of this marriage. Then, when you draw your line, it's a solid one, backed up by your true resolve.
You deserve better and so do those three little kids.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing -- once you're done venting and open your daughter's door, please give her a hug and remind her that none of this is her fault. That she's beautiful and loved and valued. But that Mommy is just having a bad day that has NOTHING to do with her.
Sorry if I'm completely over-stepping my bounds here, but I really wish my parents had done that with me.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EternalOptimist, I give my daughter a hug and a kiss every single day, there's never a day I don't tell her I love her. Right now she's playing and sounds happy. I don't want her seeing me crying right now.

I meant my last ultimatum at the time I made it. He has trust issues and they don't help in his getting well. I guess I'll be making my final decision tonight.....


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
FeistyWoman
♀ Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((momofthree))

I will be thinking of you today.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
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