I spoke with WH's IC briefly this afternoon-just to touch base and set an appt for me for next week. She was very nice--but I am still unsettled by it. I think it feels really weird to have someone else getting so involved in my WH's inner workings. I absolutely think he needs it and we need it--but dare I say, I felt a little threatened by it?? God save me, I hope it is not because she is a woman. Please tell me I have not gone that pathetic!
I know I need to deal because it is important for me that my WH figure this out so we can try to rebuild a future together. It is just one more aspect of my new life that I don't want to deal with.
I did not get into a discussion with her about disclosure--we'll save that for the appt. I think I would also like something in writing. I have already made a lot of notes but I think it would be good to have him put it down in words.
howcouldhe1---maybe that would help you--if he wrote it down and you had he something to go back to verify in case you felt like the details were changing. he I know that is no fun for long term life-but if it helps you get through the short-term than I am all for it.
It is all about us now-right! Or not-maybe that is why the IC call bothered me somewhat--that there is someone out there who is going to be doing all they can for WH---good for him, but I think I gotta get me one of those IC.
Boy-I am really rambling today. I think I need to just go to bed and try to not dream about all of this.
Take care all and here is to a better day tomorrow.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. My husband sounds a lot like yours. Very pouty and childlike when he doesn't get his way. I think him dictating to you the terms of your healing is also very wrong-headed. If possible, try to overlook the silliness and simply point out to him that you need to do whatever it takes to help you heal emotionally from this and not become bitter, frightened, and more traumatized than you already are. The Internet is full of sick crazy people (my husband knows many of them -- intimately!!) But there are zillions of wonderful people, just like in the real world. And this site offers anonymous (he has to like that part!) non-judgemental support, which is impossible to get in real life. This site saved me more than once and allowed me to "protect" my husband from blabbing his secrets to the world. There are times that you need people who've been where you are, know your pain and can offer up a cyber-hug when needed.
Perhaps give him time to pout, then come back by stating what you need for yourself. You don't need his permission to take care of yourself. And you're certainly within your rights to ask for (demand!) what you need from him. It's like when there's a car accident. They guy who drove the car through the red light doesn't get to dictate the terms, the victim gets to decide... (bad analogy, but I think you get my point).
Hang in there. We've all had those days. And as your husband continues in therapy, he'll become less like his old self-centred self and evolve into someone who recognizes the depth of the hurt he's inflicted and can understand that both spouse's needs are important. It's just that your need to heal, trust, etc. trumps his need for a close female friend at the moment...
You are such special people, here; especially because so many of you are 'emotionally evolved' enough to realise that although you would not choose the hurt and pain of betrayal, it can make us stronger and better people if we let it. I admire you all so much.
Looks like we need a little bump.
Hope you are all having good days. We finally have some sun here so I'll take it as a good day.
Going to go plant some flowers and try not to think about too much.
Hope you are all doing well.
Plan on going to another SAnon meeting this Tues. Got the sitter all lined up (do you ever find yourself wondering at what point you were supposed to turn right and turned left instead...which now means that Tues. evenings are spent dealing with conversations about sex addiction instead of dinner and a movie??). I'm bracing myself to the "sexaholic" language that grates on me. Anyone else object to that term? Sounds so 70s -- free love, make love not war... Sex addict sounds far more clinical and accurate to me. I also object to the language in the SAnon brochure about how they became addicted to "lust". Again, it sounds almost appealing... I'm trying not to get caught up in the semantics and just focus on the message.
And still trudging through Stephanie Carnes book. While simultaneously reading C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed". Seems to me that we should only have one life crisis to deal with at a time. Death or infidelity. Not both. Then again, I suspect the people in Burma would like to have a chat with me about fairness.
Hope you all had a good weekend and that your hearts are healing...
After some counseling, he learned that he's a sex addict.
Anyway, my H hasn't cheated on me since the last dday but several times I cought him sending messages to women on Myspace and reponding to adult ads on Craigslist. I deleted his first Myspace profile and the last time he contacted a woman online was today and before that, on March 20th this year. I set conditions for him because I'm tired of putting up with his shenanigans.
When he slipped up last time, I wrote up a mock contract basically telling him I would leave ASAP the minute he cheated on me in any way, be it in person or on the internet.
He's addicted to porn and I can tolerate that as long as he admits that slip up within 24 hours because I don't expect him to not slip up once in a while.
Since he went a month without chatting with other women on here, I let him have a Myspace again and I even made it for him. Today I caught him telling a woman on Myspace that she's beautiful.
I saw her reply and she seemed clueless, she just said "Thank you, do I know you?" His profile is set to private so obviously she didn't know he's married.
Well, I said it was over and I was about to make the arrangements to pack my bags and the kids and leave. He stopped me and begged me to reconsider. Because of the fact that a complement was all that was said to this woman on Myspace and the fact that she didn't show much interest, I let it slide just this once.
My H regresses on his addictions the most when he's stressed and has nothing to do. Today he was off from work so that put some time on his hands.
He already allows me to monitor his online activities and he even encourages me to do that all the time to keep him in check. I even bought a keylogger to ensure that I won't be blindsighted.
I guess my question is, did I do the right thing by letting it slide?
Had he given that woman his cell phone number and/or asked to meet with her I would be packing my bags right now. I even told him that, and I also told him this would be the final warning.
He keeps telling me he needs my help to fight his addiction.
Just read my profile as well as my older posts on here if you want to know my story.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:38 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
He was going to Sex AA meetings but his schedule doesn't let him and he's extremely worried about providing for this family.
Today I told him that our marriage cannot afford for him not to go to these meetings.
Also, he had a counseling session with our former and because he was too judgmental and on a personal level, he has a hard time trusting anyone now.
I don't know what the hell to do now.
I thought we were past this, we're obviously not. I know I can't babysit him all the time.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:35 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
The Myspace messages, responding to Craigslist ads and even porn - sound like just different manifestations of his addiction that he does not seem to have under control.
Your gut is telling you that what he did was wrong. He knows you are watching him-so what else is he doing undercover?
Sorry to be pessimistic--but that doesn't mean I think you just leave. Only you can know what is right-but he needs a serious reality check to get him serious about therapy.
I feel so f***** stupid for letting it slide. Sorry for the language I'm just pissed off. I had to lock my daughter in her room so I can have some time to vent. I want to just tell him right now to either get help now or I'm gone but then that's probably going to be one more gun I won't be able to stick to. Should I take back my giving him a second chance and pack my bags now????
I meant my last ultimatum at the time I made it. He has trust issues and they don't help in his getting well. I guess I'll be making my final decision tonight.....
I will be thinking of you today.