That's very good info for those dealing with both SA and bi-polar.
Sometimes I got the feeling he was only intimate with me b/c he wanted to shut me up. Anyone else get that feeling? One time he was even like "Okay you can stop complaining now!"
Honestly, I'm sure if it's even safe to be intimate with him.
Anyone just lose interest in having sex with their SA partner?
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 12:06 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
I feel like I did during the few weeks before Dday. I want to get up in the middle of the night and snope on his laptop. I force myself to stay in bed. I can't allow myself to get THAT crazy again! I don't sleep well. My head spins all day. Time to pull out the anxiety pills....
I know there is a problem. I know we need to talk about it. Even though I already know the outcome. Denial. He is too ashamed to face what he calls his *failures*. He hates to disappoint. He thinks he will lose everything. The prostitutes and the A where very difficult for him to discuss....but he survived it. He will fight so hard to convince me that he is a *normal* guy. All guys do it.
Something weird he stands by...I do not like him going to the stripe clubs. He maintains that they *do nothing* for him. Considering where we live, the girls are completely naked and happy to put it right there for your viewing...especially if your tossing out the $$. How does he enjoy porn, but not this? Face to face in public too much?? I did notice some of the stuff he looked at had "voyeur" in it's desription...I know, I tend to go overboard and try to make sense of everything when reality is....I have no clue!!
I have to wait to confront him about this. We leave for a camping trip in a few days and I want to have a good time and I need our kids to have a good time.
Our anniversary is on the day we leave too....sadly, I'm still not ready to reconize it.
Sorry...I rambled and vented AGAIN!!
ETA: Eternaloptimist wrote:
Well, folks, I'm on ADs, despite much protestation on my part. I was getting that I thought frequently about suicide (not so much doing it, as just wishing I could be diagnosed with a terminal illness -- die in a noble way) that it seemed stupid not to go on ADs. My mother had a prescription drug addiction so I was resistant, but I've been on Effexor for about a week now and feel like a sliver of sunlight is making its way into my dark mind.
However, I'm absolutely exhausted -- I yawn uncontrollably all day long. Did anyone else ever experience this on medication? It doesn't seem to be one of the side effects, but it's bizarre how much I yawn.
Are you on the time release one?? My WS is on the same med, but they gave him the wrong one during one of his refills...what a difference. He was exhausted. Once he got back on the right one, he was great. Sometimes, it takes 3-6 weeks for your body to adjust too...
[This message edited by LisaP at 12:29 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
"The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you!" ~Lauren Conrad
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
You are dealing with a lot...but it sounds as if he's heading in the right direction. I have to keep reminding myself that it's a process...
I'm not sure when, but at some point I gave up trying to make sense of it. I eventually concluded "different strokes" rather than try to figure out why my husband liked this and not that. I think you can make yourself crazy (or...crazier )
Hang in there. I hope you do enjoy your camping trip. I too can't really acknowledge my anniversary. Not now that I know my husband married me, keeping this HUGE secret. I think that makes my marriage null and void, even if the law (or the Catholic church) doesn't see it that way. I tell my husband I'm committed to working out our relationship but I don't feel "married".
My H has been doing really well (as far as I know) about not acting out, personally or visiting objectional websites, but on Second Life he spends a lot of time at strip clubs, even though he knows I don't like it. SO, am I making a big thing out of nothing?
He's also said that the way he feels about sex is different than the way I feel about it. I'm starting to think that sex with me is no different than sex with any other woman as far as he's concerned. I'm beginning to feel less than human. (I stopped feeling special a long time ago.) In fact I've been avoiding going to bed at the same time for the last week. I know I need to talk to him, but I also feel pretty sure nothing will be solved by bringing it up. After almost 4 years of the ups and downs, I'm really getting tired.
So, all of you all out there, am I making a big deal about the SL strip joints? (BTW, we've met a lot of nice people on SL...on other sites.)
I don't think you are overreacting.
Thanks for your response.
In fact I caught my H having sex with another "person" one night.
Yeah, I found some stuff about that on youtube...I'm not liking it one bit, definitely not a place for a SA.
I don't think you should have sex until it feels right for you. I do think you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel so he doesn't think you're with-holding sex as manipulation. My husband maintains that sex with me is different than with others -- which is why he sought others out. With me, he feels vulnerable and intimate (even if I don't sense that sometimes) and he craved anonymous "porn-type" sex. We're still definitely working on intimacy. After so many years of betrayal and lies, our sex life certainly suffered and he did start to objectify me...now he needs to re-learn intimacy.
I think anything that allows your husband to indulge in fantasy/sex is a definite problem. He's still acting out, he's just changed the method.
Eternaloptimist, it will definitely be awhile before I can bring myself to have sex with him. Last time we tried, I nearly broke it in tears, and it was extremely painful.
He thinks we're not having sex because I don't feel like asking anymore, which is partially correct. I begged for sex for a long time, and I just got tired of pulling out all the stops to get a few minutes of porno sex once or twice a month. Right now, I do no feel it's safe for my physical or emotional wellbeing to be intimate with him. I'll be sure to explain to him the other reasons we're not having sex.
I do think your on to something about the intimacy issue. He also admitted he was afraid of getting me pregnant. Honestly, he's giving me so many reasons (lies) for not wanting me this sounds like a lie,too.
I suspect that part of the problem is that he has physiological issues with sex with me because he's been whacking off all day. So when it's night time and I want some there's not much gas left in the tank. He tries to hurry cuz he know he can't sustain it for an extended period of time. He actually suggested that he may have ED, but I highly doubt it.
What I'm interested in now is what some therapists recommend. The partners have no sex and no orgasm is allowed. It's about building trust and taking time to please your partner. Or something like that. That's as far as I want to go in the near future. I wish I could remember what it's called.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 10:17 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down (although it is completely understandable -- there are days when it all just seems too much).
It sounds like the AD are the right step for you. I wish I could offer some real advice on the side effects. It is possible that your body will adjust. Of course, I am sure there are other options for you to try if things don't change.
It is never fun to have to try out different medications to see which ones affect you the least (in the bad ways). But - hopefully in the long run they will help get you back to a better place.
I will be thinking of you.
I saw your post in General (it was amazing).
I am so sorry to hear that things have been so crappy (for lack of a better word) for you lately.
Karma will come back to the person who stole your bench. Karma will come back to you - who have been so helpful and welcoming to so many people here.
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing for better days ahead.
Has anyone come to the point where it almost offends you when OH says he loves you?
Has anyone come to the point where it almost offends you when OH says he loves you?
Just when we need them the most -- in the days/weeks/months following Dday, they're wrestling their own addiction to the ground, which requires enormous energy and focus. So I think for us, it's just going to be different -- a far longer battle
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
Isn't that the freakin' truth. While I was losing my mind he's trying to get his on straight. Of course, as I have said before -the diagnosis was, IMHO, a delight to him because it became ALL about him- again. He's never said I was coaddictive or codependent or had any role at all in this. (can we say keep the wife a victim and control her?) I think that while they have the epiphany of their illness they lose sight of their spouse having a nervous breakdown in the corner and hope that our "fix" will be as quick as their diagnosis. No clue that we don't have a clear definition or WTF happened or why. Then there's the big push to make everything all right - and right early. They do NOT get that it's going to take a while longer for those of us who are not accepting a label or diagnosis. And again - it's not about them all the time!!!!
How do you all handle R when your stress is level is so intense you can't help lashing out. It's been a really traumatic past few weeks. Aside from the SA/bipolar/herpes/ONS/ issue, I've had my bag stolen from me (school books, and debit/credit cards included), and my car was rear ended Tuesday night (the trunk collapsed - I'm afraid it could be totaled by the adjuster). Plus other things keep popping up and basically I feel like I have no sanctuary. No safe place to stop, catch my breath, and lick my wounds. It's causing me to lash out.
In addition, my period is 1 week late. We've had sex once since D-day. It's probably stress, but the stress of the situation just isn't helping.
I feel so out of control and have been triggering big time because of it
Feisty, Thanks for your thoughts. I'm feeling okay -- like everyone else on this site, I think sometimes it all just seems like too much. However, I'm taking it moment by moment, which seems to keep me grounded.
I can remember in the wake of DDay having all sorts of things that seemed to conspire to push me completely over the edge. Nothing earth-shattering at first but my six-year-old son got an infection and wound up in Emergency, my mom got a lung infection and wound up in a coma... It feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. Hang in there. Keep reminding yourself that YOU are okay -- alive, of sound mind. The rest can be dealt with one annoyance at a time.
And I hope this can be your safe place. God knows, we all need one!!
Yesterday, I caught him with a good bit of porn (even a feature length movie) , visiting a hooker/massage parlor review forum,visiting Craigslist for whores (in our surrounding area) of course,and an escort's personal site. This 2 days after he said he'd stop. It's like he was sober 1 day, then it came back with a vengeance.
Today he returned to the hooker/massage parlor review site. I know when he's logged on b/c I know his username. Today he viewed a lot of pictures, some very graphic-no surprise here.
He's been checking out hookers in surrounding states as well as around the country. He even looked at them in the city in which we're taking a vacation.
Yet he swears he hasn't cheated. I don't trust him when he says that. How could I? How do I know he won't invent a business trip and spend that time mongering?
It feels like he's already cheating, even if he hasn't done it physically...yet...I refuse to be his hole.
The worst thing is that he lives in a state of denial.
I'm going to give counseling a try. I'm gonna ask her if she thinks there's any hope. I hope she diagnoses him, cuz Im 95% sure he's an addict. I'm sure he wouldn't listen to me if I brought it up. I may end up apologizing for wasting the poor lady's time.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 4:19 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]