That was my life. I knew he was on those sites and also communicating with his whore thru emails.
After the A bomb I hated my house. I didn't even want to be home.
You don't have to live with that. Have you thought about getting your own place that is free of that crap?
He doesn't care. I'm not exactly sure why I'm still trying when he obviously isn't.
I'm thru. I've had enough of him, he has 4 weeks to change, and that's it.
I don't deserve this.
What I've learned in all of this is that you have to look out for yourself.
If you're not married to this man, and already made a life commitment to him, I say drop him. You deserve so much more from a man, you deserve to be loved, respected and cherished. So do I. That's why I asked my husband to leave the home, when I found out he's a whore lover too. He can't have it this way in our home around our kids. Somethings gotta change, as the Priest said the day we met together with him, and the night my husband packed his bags and left.
Now, I am wondering if I did the right thing by asking him to leave???? He hasn't stopped calling the stripper still, up to now. Was I just pushing him towards her? I think it was a boundary like Pebbles is talking about, (THAT IT CANNOT CONTINUE IN THIS MANNER--UNFAITHFULNESS) but now I'm doubting myself terribly, after some e-mails he wrote me saying "I'm the one that kicked him out..remember?".........
He knows why I asked him to leave. I know he does.
He would be calling the paid whore whether he was home or not. He's just using you as an excuse to continue his whoring around.
You can't control his behavior whether he's home or not.
Would it be better for you if he was home and calling the whore or do you think you can stop him? Believe me you can't. This whore is treating him like a king because she's getting something from him. These whores know exactly how to get things from men. She's feeding his ego.
I wonder if this idiot would have said that to your H if rolls were reversed. That he wasn't sexy enough!!!!
O I could only imagine. Funny how she didn't ask if me I found his beer belly "stimulating." I don't even want to think about how I'd get treated if I was doing what he did.
That counselor did more hurt than to help. Sheesh.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 12:50 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]
ALL: Read Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts -2008!!!!! READ/BUY ASAP...I don't care how many other other books you've read! HA!
New Girl at bottom who just foud out your H, is a SA...
HUGS...PLEASE try & find a support group for yourself like S-Anon!!!!! and get book...:)
This thread has EXPLODED. I'm trying desperately to catch up.
Same here. So much I want to respond to when I can re-read instead of just scanning.
[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:29 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]
if you gave him an ultimatum about porn -- and he was serious about not losing you -- he should have scoured his home, car, etc. to ensure that it was all gone. Yes, he's blowing smoke. Stick to your ultimatum. By constantly changing the rules, we just give them implicit permission to keep blowing smoke. They need to know that we respect ourselves enough to not put up with behavour that's detrimental to our marriages...
Keep going to IC and kudos for finding a support group for you.
Playing detective at this point is difficult, you want to know what is going on, but the findings can be heartwrenching. If you are meant to know something, it will find you.
As far as telling family and friends about the SA, it is a double edge sword. If you tell the the truth about the SA, most likely they will not fully understand that it is a disease. If you need to tell friends and family anything, maybe just that you guys are working through some issues that arose during his deployment (I think you mentioned he was in the war). Get to know you group mates and use them for support of the specific hurdles you are working through with the SA. Use this board as well, there are a lot of people here with vast amounts of knowledge.
There are a couple books that are mentioned in this thread...probably should get "mending a shattered heart" by Stephanie Carnes. It has a lot of info on SA and it is written directly to the partner, so it is a good start.
Good luck and keep coming back.
When we met he was one year away from becoming a priest. We met on a regular online dating service. He purporting himself to me a regular single guy. Eventually let me know, actually he'd taken a vow of chastity, but he wanted to marry me and leave the priesthood, which we did. Now, I was in discussion with all of this with a therapist. Anyway, let me jump to the punch line.
I found out about 7 months ago that he had sent 20-30 graphic emails propositioning strangers for sex. he even sent his naked picture one time. He would aggressively send emails when I would be out of town. If I was out of town for 3 days, he'd say available for sex for 3 days. From the computer, I didnt see many replies coming back and didn't see any in which he was agreeing to meet someone. although he did admit to arranging a meeting with someone to talk to them. I didn't see that either, so obviously I'm not seeing everything that is going on.
He swore that he was done going to those sites. he told the therapist that he was just very curious about sexuality, particularly given his lack of exposure due to his religious life. She seemed to believe this although, it sounds like complete crap to me.
He is now in another town for 2 months for work. I went to visit him. His wedding ring was off, there was a bottle of lubricant on the table. I saw in the computer that he had been back on these internet sites and in fact had gone to an call girl/escort service site, although the link that he seemed to go to was not functioning.
He lied about being curious again. When the therapist had me tell him what I knew, he admitted to exactly what I knew, but no more.
It is also true that he has trouble with emotional intimacy. Since this last exposure, he has been more emotionally intimate with me, although I have not heard any sordid details in his background about why he is so morbidly fascinated with sex, and he has not divulged more about why he was back on those sites other than he briefly got curious. I guess I'm wondering. Since I have no hard proof of anything, I guess I'm wondering if it is possible that he has some sort of curiosity or confusion or something because of the priest training, but that its not a full blow addiction. The marriage counselor gave us Patrick Carnes book and he doesn't seem to fit it from what I know about him.
I don't know. Before we met, he did his graduate research on prostitution, in which he personally met several prostitutes. Now he is still "researching" on he internet he claims.
He put a lot of time reading that Cairnes book, made lots of notes in the margins, but really did not come up with anything new.
I'm just babbling. I don't know if he has some problems with intimacy and a slightly warped but salvageable relationship to sexuality or if he is lying to me and really has an out of control sex addiciton.
You know, I had doubts from the first date about this relationship, but talking to therapists they keep saying oh, I was overreacting, I should be more understanding, etc. Even know, the therapist seems to believe his crap about research. She's taking the tact he was curious and naive about sex, but seems to believe him when he says he never had sex with anyone.
We don't have kids. But, I'm getting to the age that if we divorce, probably I won't ever have kids. So, it feels like I lot is at stake.
Also, how do you catch someone who might be willing to have sex with random strangers any time, anywhere. There are obviously millions of ways for him to hook up with strangers. How am I supposed to figure out what is really going on?
It's classic that SA's calibrate their admissions exactly according to what they think you know. You can catch them at this by revealing one thing at a time, and asking if there's more. Then releasing another thing. But it angers them, and doesn't accomplish much given that you already know by now that they're lying.
You can't fix him. That's his job, and he doesn't seem interested. You also can't fix your therapist. But you can fire your therapist, and you should. She's incompetent. I had one just like her--sadly there are a lot out there.
Meanwhile, focus on you, work on yourself, and try to treat yourself gently. Don't put up with BS from your H or your MC. Good luck.
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
Addicts become master manipulators in order to continue their addiction. They will go to great lengths to hide their behavior.
Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes is a great source of information to understand this addiction.
An addict can not stop their addiction on their own. They might be able to stop for awhile but will always have to eventually have their fix.
Remember you can not make him stop this behavior especially if he is an addict.
My WH also took notes and denied that he was an addict because he was picking out the behaviors that he did not do. They don't have to be a pedophile or rapist or peeping toms to be diagnosed as an addict.
There is one physical sign which is sores on a specific area of the private parts not associated with an STD. The sores come from compulsive usage by the addict.
You need to question why he's still doing his research when it serves no purpose.
Consider finding another therapist who specializes in this addiction. They will be able to see whether he is manipulating the situation to continue the addiction or whether he really is ok.
I believed the people who told me decades ago that it was my problem and now we find out it wasn't. It escalated into an affair.
If he had been properly diagnosed yrs ago it could have been treated and maybe I could have lived my life without this torment of it being my fault.
The therapist gave him the go ahead to do this behavior and if he hides it from you it could escalate to more. If it was true research he wouldn't hide it from you.
A couple weeks ago the hubby read his "apology" to me and to say I was underwhelmed would be an understatement. It consisted of saying he's sorry he hurt me, sorry that I had the burden and then a list of "hopes" he has. (Can we say ALL ABOUT HIM?)
He also said that my "accepting when he said I was sexually unattractive" (that didn't happen until after D-Day#1)contributed to his affairs and acting out as did accepting his "lame excuses" when questioned on suspicions.
Well, I let he and the MC know that I didn't feel he apologized for the behavior only for hurting me. He was controlling the situation by listing what he hopes will happen and that his telling me that believing him that I was sexually unattractive (after the fact) was dookie. I also said I didn't trust him as I have no baseline for his sincerity.
After the session and back at home I asked H the big question that keeps burning up my brain - WHY NOW?
If my believing his lame excuses (aka trusting him)contributed to his affairs and addiction then why the hell am I getting my chops busted for not believing him now? Riddle me that Batman!
Well, he says because he's changed now. I told him he said he was ready for marriage 28 years ago and that changed, then after D-Day#1 he said he would change and didn't - he took it to another level. Why should I blindly believe that he's changed now? He's having a hard time explaining that one other than "it just IS". WHAT-EVER Dude.
I have been asking this question - WHY NOW? - for 8 months now and can't get an answer.
I really need an answer to this question that I BELIEVE!
I am at a particular low point and need to realize that right Now - I am OK.
However, I am going to have to decide if this relationship is going to work for me.
[This message edited by 2br02b at 8:51 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
I told him that we weren't going to see that counselor again. He accused me of being mad b/c she didn't say what I wanted her to. Boy, did I see that coming a mile away.
So yesterday, he told me I was no longer allowed on his computer. I gathered what few things I have at his place, and I was literally 5 steps from the door. He apologized.
He kept telling me he'd quit looking up whores and at porn and concentrate on our sex life. Heard it all before! He knows I don't believe him. How could I, he lies so much???'
He also said he's been doing this for years, but that doesn't mean it has a place in our relationship. Okay, maybe I could deal with a little porn, but I suspect it affects his performance. It doesn't feel good that he'll spend hours at porn but I might get 10 minutes of intimacy.
I told him it felt like he was just masturbating when we had sex, and he actually admitted that maybe I was right. Anyone else get that feeling?
I definitely think he is manipulative.
I feel like things will get better this time, but only time will tell.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 9:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
They are master manipulators, I guess. I just keep falling for the many forms it takes. I'm glad you mentioned the only admitting to what they have to. Mine does that and I'm baffled.