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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

love

That was my life. I knew he was on those sites and also communicating with his whore thru emails.

After the A bomb I hated my house. I didn't even want to be home.

You don't have to live with that. Have you thought about getting your own place that is free of that crap?


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pebbles, luckily I didn't move in with him. We're not hitched, thank God. I just know what he's doing online b/c I found out his username on the adult site. I can see exactly what he's doing.

He doesn't care. I'm not exactly sure why I'm still trying when he obviously isn't.

I'm thru. I've had enough of him, he has 4 weeks to change, and that's it.

I don't deserve this.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. Start detaching from him and excluding him from things he's normally a part of if you want to.

What I've learned in all of this is that you have to look out for yourself.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear love:

If you're not married to this man, and already made a life commitment to him, I say drop him. You deserve so much more from a man, you deserve to be loved, respected and cherished. So do I. That's why I asked my husband to leave the home, when I found out he's a whore lover too. He can't have it this way in our home around our kids. Somethings gotta change, as the Priest said the day we met together with him, and the night my husband packed his bags and left.

Now, I am wondering if I did the right thing by asking him to leave???? He hasn't stopped calling the stripper still, up to now. Was I just pushing him towards her? I think it was a boundary like Pebbles is talking about, (THAT IT CANNOT CONTINUE IN THIS MANNER--UNFAITHFULNESS) but now I'm doubting myself terribly, after some e-mails he wrote me saying "I'm the one that kicked him out..remember?".........

He knows why I asked him to leave. I know he does.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid

He would be calling the paid whore whether he was home or not. He's just using you as an excuse to continue his whoring around.

You can't control his behavior whether he's home or not.

Would it be better for you if he was home and calling the whore or do you think you can stop him? Believe me you can't. This whore is treating him like a king because she's getting something from him. These whores know exactly how to get things from men. She's feeding his ego.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
Brave Latina
New Member
Member # 19774
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay,Ladies and Gettleman,its official my dear H is a SA..Yesterday at the IC session my mc,was reading some of the proof that I collected,like e mails(2),and she believes that he could have some or a lot of emmotional baggage from his past..Gees!!,I felt so confussed and alone.. ,She make me sign a release form in order for her to get permission from the his IC his records,(We are going to the same MC clinic)..If you read my profile youre see my situation)..She gave me this special homework in which I have to make a list of pros and cons in our relationship..She also urge me not to keep looking any more for proof or any other evidence,because I getting too obsesive,Gess!mI think shes right, ,Any way just need it to vent,I knew all along ,the signs were there,and I was sooo,blind,,But not anymore,And now I can see reality clearly..Iam starting to go to htis CO group in one week and i hope the really will help me..Any advice,Iam also afraid to tell my Mom,Im afriad she wont be able to understand...Any advice..thanks..

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midsouth
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if this idiot would have said that to your H if rolls were reversed. That he wasn't sexy enough!!!!

O I could only imagine. Funny how she didn't ask if me I found his beer belly "stimulating." I don't even want to think about how I'd get treated if I was doing what he did.

That counselor did more hurt than to help. Sheesh.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 12:50 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid: You sooooo did the right thing Hon!!! Now go NC on him! GAWD!

ALL: Read Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts -2008!!!!! READ/BUY ASAP...I don't care how many other other books you've read! HA!

New Girl at bottom who just foud out your H, is a SA...

HUGS...PLEASE try & find a support group for yourself like S-Anon!!!!! and get book...:)


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
PTRN
♀ Member
Member # 19730
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~~~~~~~~
This thread has EXPLODED. I'm trying desperately to catch up.

Same here. So much I want to respond to when I can re-read instead of just scanning.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2008
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:29 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, once again this is the only place I can turn to. I discovered porn, internet porn, etc. after DDay 1 1/2 years ago. Found it a few more times over last spring. I told him that porn and I don't exist in the same place, like oil and water. I know he is SA. He has told me that he doesn't NEED that stuff and can just stop but it keeps being found. His excuse has been he forgot about it. Then last August it was a SLIP UP. Then last weekend I found Hustler and 3 videos. He said he forgot about them and that it is only around when I break it off with him. I told him not to blame me. Last night I told him that I was going to look through his car and one other place so he couldn't say he "forgot" anymore. I told him where the one place was and he finally said "oh yeah, there might be some there". Oh, yeah. Playboy from Aug-Dec., a nasty magazine, and a video. He says he forgot it was there. Is all this just blowing smoke up my ass? Do they forget? I would think that an alcoholic would never forget where they hid their liquor. He says he didn't want to come clean about his slip ups because I had given him an ultimatum about no porn. But he still has been lying to me. HELP!


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

changedreality,

if you gave him an ultimatum about porn -- and he was serious about not losing you -- he should have scoured his home, car, etc. to ensure that it was all gone. Yes, he's blowing smoke. Stick to your ultimatum. By constantly changing the rules, we just give them implicit permission to keep blowing smoke. They need to know that we respect ourselves enough to not put up with behavour that's detrimental to our marriages...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brave - There is a lot of info here for you in this thread.

Keep going to IC and kudos for finding a support group for you.

Playing detective at this point is difficult, you want to know what is going on, but the findings can be heartwrenching. If you are meant to know something, it will find you.

As far as telling family and friends about the SA, it is a double edge sword. If you tell the the truth about the SA, most likely they will not fully understand that it is a disease. If you need to tell friends and family anything, maybe just that you guys are working through some issues that arose during his deployment (I think you mentioned he was in the war). Get to know you group mates and use them for support of the specific hurdles you are working through with the SA. Use this board as well, there are a lot of people here with vast amounts of knowledge.

There are a couple books that are mentioned in this thread...probably should get "mending a shattered heart" by Stephanie Carnes. It has a lot of info on SA and it is written directly to the partner, so it is a good start.

Good luck and keep coming back.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
bluesky
New Member
Member # 20180
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here I am at 4AM, I just don't know what to do. First off, I don't know if my husband is a sex addict. I'm wondering if I'm scaring myself or what. There is definitely a problem with his sexual behavior, but I'm not sure of the extent.

When we met he was one year away from becoming a priest. We met on a regular online dating service. He purporting himself to me a regular single guy. Eventually let me know, actually he'd taken a vow of chastity, but he wanted to marry me and leave the priesthood, which we did. Now, I was in discussion with all of this with a therapist. Anyway, let me jump to the punch line.

I found out about 7 months ago that he had sent 20-30 graphic emails propositioning strangers for sex. he even sent his naked picture one time. He would aggressively send emails when I would be out of town. If I was out of town for 3 days, he'd say available for sex for 3 days. From the computer, I didnt see many replies coming back and didn't see any in which he was agreeing to meet someone. although he did admit to arranging a meeting with someone to talk to them. I didn't see that either, so obviously I'm not seeing everything that is going on.
He swore that he was done going to those sites. he told the therapist that he was just very curious about sexuality, particularly given his lack of exposure due to his religious life. She seemed to believe this although, it sounds like complete crap to me.


He is now in another town for 2 months for work. I went to visit him. His wedding ring was off, there was a bottle of lubricant on the table. I saw in the computer that he had been back on these internet sites and in fact had gone to an call girl/escort service site, although the link that he seemed to go to was not functioning.

He lied about being curious again. When the therapist had me tell him what I knew, he admitted to exactly what I knew, but no more.

It is also true that he has trouble with emotional intimacy. Since this last exposure, he has been more emotionally intimate with me, although I have not heard any sordid details in his background about why he is so morbidly fascinated with sex, and he has not divulged more about why he was back on those sites other than he briefly got curious. I guess I'm wondering. Since I have no hard proof of anything, I guess I'm wondering if it is possible that he has some sort of curiosity or confusion or something because of the priest training, but that its not a full blow addiction. The marriage counselor gave us Patrick Carnes book and he doesn't seem to fit it from what I know about him.

I don't know. Before we met, he did his graduate research on prostitution, in which he personally met several prostitutes. Now he is still "researching" on he internet he claims.

He put a lot of time reading that Cairnes book, made lots of notes in the margins, but really did not come up with anything new.

I'm just babbling. I don't know if he has some problems with intimacy and a slightly warped but salvageable relationship to sexuality or if he is lying to me and really has an out of control sex addiciton.

You know, I had doubts from the first date about this relationship, but talking to therapists they keep saying oh, I was overreacting, I should be more understanding, etc. Even know, the therapist seems to believe his crap about research. She's taking the tact he was curious and naive about sex, but seems to believe him when he says he never had sex with anyone.

We don't have kids. But, I'm getting to the age that if we divorce, probably I won't ever have kids. So, it feels like I lot is at stake.

Also, how do you catch someone who might be willing to have sex with random strangers any time, anywhere. There are obviously millions of ways for him to hook up with strangers. How am I supposed to figure out what is really going on?


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2008
Marcia
Member
Member # 6503
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluesky, my MC did the same thing. Believed every lie he told and instructed me to do likewise. My world was so upside down at the time that I went along.

It's classic that SA's calibrate their admissions exactly according to what they think you know. You can catch them at this by revealing one thing at a time, and asking if there's more. Then releasing another thing. But it angers them, and doesn't accomplish much given that you already know by now that they're lying.

You can't fix him. That's his job, and he doesn't seem interested. You also can't fix your therapist. But you can fire your therapist, and you should. She's incompetent. I had one just like her--sadly there are a lot out there.

Meanwhile, focus on you, work on yourself, and try to treat yourself gently. Don't put up with BS from your H or your MC. Good luck.


WHEN DID THE RULES CHANGE?
How did I miss the memo???

People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)


Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Washington DC
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BlueSky. Sorry you find yourself amongst us. Not sure what your counselor specializes in, but my WS and I have found two fantastic counselors who both specialize in SA. WS is going to a male counselor who deals with the addictions and he has directed me to a female who deals with betrayed spouses of SA. We are also jointly meeting with each of them.
I would suggest finding counselors who specialize in this area.
I found out just three short weeks ago and am still reeling. My WS seems very repentant and is actually the one to suggest the counseling, etc. to try to salvage our marriage. At the suggestion of our pastor we put Covenant Eyes on both computers. (It monitors all websites and gives you access to every site as well as every google search that may have been done). Put that on his computer if he's willing or put it on when he's not around. (It's cheap) My husband had stashes everywhere that we both went through and discarded everything (I think). What brought it all out was a freaking receipt in his pants pocket while I was doing laundry. That led me to look everywhere for more evidence...and I mean everywhere. From shoe boxes to the trunk of his car, desk drawers and the garage cabinets. Scour credit card bills and phone records. These damn phone sex lines charge CC with random names like LDA Horizons, so you have to dig. I also hacked into his email and found proof of various activities. I recommend doing the same and keep copies in case things don't work out. I now have access to all his computer login information, usernames and passwords (again, I think) and actively look through his email and phone records/text messages. This site has worlds of information on it and everyone here is or has been in the same boat. Our counselors recommended "False Intimacy" by Harry Schaumburg for WS and "Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser for me, BS.
My prayers go out to all of you as we all deal with these most agonizing times.

Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also was told and led to believe that I was overreacting and very jealous of WH's behavior 31 yrs ago. This led me to believe that I had a problem not him.

Addicts become master manipulators in order to continue their addiction. They will go to great lengths to hide their behavior.

Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes is a great source of information to understand this addiction.

An addict can not stop their addiction on their own. They might be able to stop for awhile but will always have to eventually have their fix.

Remember you can not make him stop this behavior especially if he is an addict.

My WH also took notes and denied that he was an addict because he was picking out the behaviors that he did not do. They don't have to be a pedophile or rapist or peeping toms to be diagnosed as an addict.

There is one physical sign which is sores on a specific area of the private parts not associated with an STD. The sores come from compulsive usage by the addict.

You need to question why he's still doing his research when it serves no purpose.

Consider finding another therapist who specializes in this addiction. They will be able to see whether he is manipulating the situation to continue the addiction or whether he really is ok.

I believed the people who told me decades ago that it was my problem and now we find out it wasn't. It escalated into an affair.

If he had been properly diagnosed yrs ago it could have been treated and maybe I could have lived my life without this torment of it being my fault.

The therapist gave him the go ahead to do this behavior and if he hides it from you it could escalate to more. If it was true research he wouldn't hide it from you.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well compatriots, after a grand session of counseling on Monday; the H and I are working on Forgiveness. We've read "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Abrahams Spring and some other minor forgiveness books. I am also reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle to work on living in the Now and forgiveness....but I digress.

A couple weeks ago the hubby read his "apology" to me and to say I was underwhelmed would be an understatement. It consisted of saying he's sorry he hurt me, sorry that I had the burden and then a list of "hopes" he has. (Can we say ALL ABOUT HIM?)

He also said that my "accepting when he said I was sexually unattractive" (that didn't happen until after D-Day#1)contributed to his affairs and acting out as did accepting his "lame excuses" when questioned on suspicions.

Well, I let he and the MC know that I didn't feel he apologized for the behavior only for hurting me. He was controlling the situation by listing what he hopes will happen and that his telling me that believing him that I was sexually unattractive (after the fact) was dookie. I also said I didn't trust him as I have no baseline for his sincerity.

After the session and back at home I asked H the big question that keeps burning up my brain - WHY NOW?

If my believing his lame excuses (aka trusting him)contributed to his affairs and addiction then why the hell am I getting my chops busted for not believing him now? Riddle me that Batman!

Well, he says because he's changed now. I told him he said he was ready for marriage 28 years ago and that changed, then after D-Day#1 he said he would change and didn't - he took it to another level. Why should I blindly believe that he's changed now? He's having a hard time explaining that one other than "it just IS". WHAT-EVER Dude.

I have been asking this question - WHY NOW? - for 8 months now and can't get an answer.

I really need an answer to this question that I BELIEVE!

I am at a particular low point and need to realize that right Now - I am OK.

However, I am going to have to decide if this relationship is going to work for me.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 8:51 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My partner also maintains that I'm jealous. I told him he may be a sex addict, but know he can always say that the therapist says he's ok. I told him point blank that he's the problem.

I told him that we weren't going to see that counselor again. He accused me of being mad b/c she didn't say what I wanted her to. Boy, did I see that coming a mile away.

So yesterday, he told me I was no longer allowed on his computer. I gathered what few things I have at his place, and I was literally 5 steps from the door. He apologized.

He kept telling me he'd quit looking up whores and at porn and concentrate on our sex life. Heard it all before! He knows I don't believe him. How could I, he lies so much???'

He also said he's been doing this for years, but that doesn't mean it has a place in our relationship. Okay, maybe I could deal with a little porn, but I suspect it affects his performance. It doesn't feel good that he'll spend hours at porn but I might get 10 minutes of intimacy.

I told him it felt like he was just masturbating when we had sex, and he actually admitted that maybe I was right. Anyone else get that feeling?

I definitely think he is manipulative.

I feel like things will get better this time, but only time will tell.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 9:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere---I can relate about feeling like their doing it to you instead of with you. I also have times when he is doing something with me and he gets very aroused and mind starts thinking--"is he imagining I'm one of those girls in the porn?". It totally screws with my mind. Not to mention my self esteem.

They are master manipulators, I guess. I just keep falling for the many forms it takes. I'm glad you mentioned the only admitting to what they have to. Mine does that and I'm baffled.

CR


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
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