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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners Of Sex Addicts
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is he imagining I'm one of those girls in the porn?". It totally screws with my mind. Not to mention my self esteem.

My partner assures me that he is thinking of me or sometimes thinking of getting off only.

Oh and that definitely won't tell the whole truth.

EX. A, conversation i had yesterday

Me: I know you lied to me. I know you've been viewing porn and hooker again.

Him: No, I haven't (looks me in the eyes and lies)

Me: Well, I know b/c I have your screen name (I shouldn't have said that, now he'll get another one, but I'm sure I'll figure that one out,too!)

Him: Oh Ok I was on yesterday, but I'll stop


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me: I know that its in the house.
Him: No. Go ahead, look, you won't find anything.
(does this mean"you're so stupid you won't find it" or "I know I can wiggle my way out if you do"?)

I find it.
Him: That's been there a long time. It's only here when you leave me. (it's your fault)

I find more 2 days later dated July 2007-January 2008.
Me: Thought it was only here when I'm gone.
Him: Well, we weren't good then.

Guess I better not burn dinner, get cancer, let anyone die, break down on the side of the road or tell him he looks fat in his new khakis.


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2br02b
Wow. First of all it's WAY too early to even be discussing forgiveness!!! WAY TOO EARLY! Your counselor is wrong. In my opinion you need to fire this counselor. (Also, I have a completely different take on it than most, please read my profile or skim down to where I address forgiveness. It may help you.)

A couple weeks ago the hubby read his "apology" to me and to say I was underwhelmed would be an understatement. It consisted of saying he's sorry he hurt me, sorry that I had the burden and then a list of "hopes" he has. (Can we say ALL ABOUT HIM?)

Is he in treatment for his SA? It does not sound like it at all. I'd be very concerned about this if he's supposedly getting counseling for his SA or working the steps with a sponsor. What is his status?

He also said that my "accepting when he said I was sexually unattractive" (that didn't happen until after D-Day#1)contributed to his affairs and acting out as did accepting his "lame excuses" when questioned on suspicions.

That is flat out bullshit. He's blameshifting!! He's gaslighting you big time. Again, this indicates to me that he is NOT in recovery at all.

Well, I let he and the MC know that I didn't feel he apologized for the behavior only for hurting me. He was controlling the situation by listing what he hopes will happen and that his telling me that believing him that I was sexually unattractive (after the fact) was dookie. I also said I didn't trust him as I have no baseline for his sincerity.

You should not place any trust in him until he proves that he is actively in recovery and is sober. He is not trustworthy. You are right! Trust your gut and fire this horrible therapist.

Have you tried finding a CSAT?

(You'll have to forgive me if I've asked any of this before. I've been talking with a lot of folks lately via PM and I just can't keep everyone straight. It's very difficult with nothing but a username to identify with.)


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's sad that it's so hard to find a good MC!!! The worst thing is that your spouse can use what they say against YOU.

I ordered Facing Codependence, and it came today. I can't wait to read it. The book the counselor suggested to me- Living with my Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means- is about sex addiction, but she says OH isn't an addict?!!?!? I ordered it anyway. Even if OH truly isn't an SA, I still want to read the Codependence book.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Cool  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHOA! This thread has really, really exploded! With this post, we are now only 15 posts away from needing a new thread started.

Yikes!

ETA: And holding. Apparently, I killed it! LOL

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 12:12 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Marcia
Member
Member # 6503
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of us are having trouble believing what's in front of our eyes. And how could we not, after spending so much time doubting ourselves (usually due to professional-quality gaslighting). As if that weren't bad enough, we get into MC and the MC gaslights us too. Not a good situation.

But it takes time. It's hard to believe something that you--with all your heart--wish were not true. And why not? Who on earth wanted this kind of bizarre behavior in their lives?


WHEN DID THE RULES CHANGE?
How did I miss the memo???

People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)


Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Washington DC
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As if that weren't bad enough, we get into MC and the MC gaslights us too. Not a good situation.

What's even more tragic is that the counselors aren't even doing it on purpose, they are simply uneducated about SA. I've been hearing more and more about these situations. It's not good, Marcia, you're right about that.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 - thanks for the concern. You have asked me if MC is a CSAT before and the answer is no. However, the exercise on forgiveness was at my request - not hers. I need to forgive MYSELF before I can even think about forgiving. After reading the Eckhart Tolle "The Power of Now" and learning that to be truly present and conscious I need to surrender and forgive, I know that is what is best for ME right now.

H and MC know that his "apology" is going to take a lot longer and he will need to work on it more with his SAA group.

Is he in treatment for his SA? It does not sound like it at all. I'd be very concerned about this if he's supposedly getting counseling for his SA or working the steps with a sponsor. What is his status?

He goes to meetings and I do not pry into those as I feel it's a violation of the "anonymous" aspect of the meetings.

You should not place any trust in him until he proves that he is actively in recovery and is sober.

I do not know if he has a sponsor or how the step progression is going. I do know that he has not acted out in 8 months and got his 1 month chip several months ago.

We had another discussion last night where I told him:

I could accept his being an addict, but I could not forgive his labeling me a co-addict - but I could accept it.

I could forgive his acting out, but I could not forgive his lies and the betrayal of trust - but I could accept it.

I could forgive him trying to blame me but I could not forgive his cruelty nor can I accept it.

I then informed him - as he had informed me before - that although I love him, I am currently not "in love" with him.

This has brought him to a low point and he stated that he is very concerned about our relationship but understands my need to get better, move on or move past this. He is not asking me to forgive him because he realizes how much damage he has done and that it's going to take longer - but he will continue to help me in my quest to forgive myself.

He then asked me to go to an RCA meeting with him tonight so I can see the step progress for myself. I informed him I would give it a try but will take no ownership of being his "mirror image". He is OK with that and then proceeded to tell me that he was going to keep working on his apology "for as long as it takes" and also make a promise to me as part of it. He said he loved me and wants to become the kind of husband I deserve. I told him thank you.

He cried himself to sleep.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2B,

Our husband's sound like they're on a similar trajectory in terms of recovery. I'm heartened by his progress, but it's hard to not slip back into frustration that I'm having to deal with this in the first place. However, it is what it is...and if my husband becomes the man I always thought he was, as he has promised, then I guess that's the up side.
I too found The Power of Now helped...though it's hard to implement sometimes. However, if I keep reminding myself that right now, I'm okay. Right now, I'm safe. And right now, I'm gaining the tools I need to protect and care for myself, then I gather strength.
I'm glad we all have this thread. I remain convinced that our healing takes a different course than those healing from a "conventional" affair. It's wonderful that we have each other to learn from and support.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
need_support
♀ Member
Member # 16064
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need Help- Dealing with Trickle Truth

In the past 3 days, my H has finally confessed several things to me. Most of which I already suspected, but he had denied for 14 months.

I know trickle truth is common with SA. I pushed him because I know telling me the truth is also admitting his behavior to himself. And I think that is important if we ever have a chance of moving forward.

Still, I am having a REAL difficult time. I feel almost as bad as D-Day. Like I am falling and there is no bottom.

How do you deal with trickle truth? Are you supportive, even though they have lied?

Any tips? Very confused.


me: BS, 37
him: WS, 45, porn addict, 11 escorts, gave me STD
married 17 years
2 teenage kids
DDay: 20 May 2007: STD, false story
DDay #2: July 2008, finally came "clean" about whole story
status: working on reconciliation

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2007
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, that is a really good question. I don't have an answer because I'm in the same boat right now. I just didn't know that it had a name. I know I'm still angry about being lied to even though the truth is coming out. (only because I found it!) I'm sorry you're feeling low just know you're not alone. I'm trying not to but not doing a great job. Do you find that he is cyclical? ie, do you find things out every 4-6 months?


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
need_support
♀ Member
Member # 16064
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trickle Truth

He likes to minimize his behavior, blame me, or put it aside as "past" and having no affect on the future. None of which will work.

The only reason I found out about his SA was I got an STD. He now says this was a good thing because it made him face what he was doing.

But, not enought to come clean about all his behavior before then. He told me it was just his first time at a strip club and he caught an STD from a hand job.

Like getting pregnant the first time. Possible, but not likely.

And yes, about ever 4 months I find out another detail or there is a slip. I've always been troubled by his story. It was just 1 night in a strip club. It didn't ring true. Like bad gas in a car, it kept rattling around in my head. But even 100 questions couldn't make him budge.

A few weeks ago, I asked him if he would take a lie detector test about his fidelity in our marriage. He refused. Blamed me for being paranoid.

But that confirmed everything to me. He had lied. I cut off sex, moved rooms in the house, and after a week asked him to move out. If he couldn't be truthful about his past, I didn't feel we had any chance of a future.

Struggling with how to deal with "truth" as it comes. Want to kick him out.

[This message edited by need_support at 5:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


me: BS, 37
him: WS, 45, porn addict, 11 escorts, gave me STD
married 17 years
2 teenage kids
DDay: 20 May 2007: STD, false story
DDay #2: July 2008, finally came "clean" about whole story
status: working on reconciliation

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2007
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think things are getting better on my front. He swears to me that he's gonna stop with the porn and looking up hookers. I will be checking on that next opportunity I get.

I think me threatening to leave really did it for him.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need Support,

Hi...good for you implementing those boundaries.. IF he had nothing to hide, he'd take the poly.

I wrote my own extensive list of DISCLOSURE ?'s...gave them to him & our counselor...then he answered them in session...and knew he's going to be polygraphed...THAT is why he was finally honest...

Is anyone interested in seeing my Disclosure ?'s??? I had to make them myself, as i DID NOT find them in any book!!!!!


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum, I am interested.

((((((need_support)))))


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
need_support
♀ Member
Member # 16064
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I am interested in disclosure questions.


me: BS, 37
him: WS, 45, porn addict, 11 escorts, gave me STD
married 17 years
2 teenage kids
DDay: 20 May 2007: STD, false story
DDay #2: July 2008, finally came "clean" about whole story
status: working on reconciliation

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mourning123
♀ Member
Member # 19951
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum,

I'd love to see the list!!

My WS swears he's come clean about everything.
I just can't shake the feeling that there is more.

He says he is doing everything he can to prove his remorsefullness and win me back, but I'm having intense feelings of running away!

[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2008
howcouldhe1
♀ Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too would be interested. I'm still struggling with knowing whether or not I have all of the truth. And apart from a polygraph I see no way of ever really knowing for sure. And even then.......

Has anyone reached the stage where they can accept that maybe they don't know everything, but they know enough? I mean does it matter how many times they've acted out, the fact remains that they have acted out. I'm wondering if that would be a good place to be, and if so if I will ever get there.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
newdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 10467
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think am coming to accept that I will never know everything. We have never had a formal disclosure, but in a program for addicts/partners we are currently in, the program does work through the disclosure process.

Today I am okay with what I know and even okay with the fact that I do not believe I know everything. I have thought a lot about wanting to know. In the early stages of discovery, I wanted to know EVERYTHING who, what, where and how. Now, if I could direct a disclosure, I think I want to know what he did and where he did these things. I no longer am interested in who and how. I am coming to realize that these OW he interacted with are not the issue, his acting out actions are. These are the things that must be dealt with for recovery.

This is where I am today and hope to stay tomorrow, but sometimes I lapse on my convictions.


Me BS 39
Him WS 40, SLA,LTA and many other PAs and EAs
M 20 years, now separated



Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: SE PA
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum,
Is anyone interested in seeing my Disclosure ?'s??? I had to make them myself, as i DID NOT find them in any book!!!!!

I, too, would be interested in the Disclosures.

Went to RCA last night - the jury is still out on whether I want to go back. Still need to decide if it's good for ME.

Today, right Now, I am doing pretty well.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
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