is he imagining I'm one of those girls in the porn?". It totally screws with my mind. Not to mention my self esteem.
My partner assures me that he is thinking of me or sometimes thinking of getting off only.
Oh and that definitely won't tell the whole truth.
EX. A, conversation i had yesterday
Me: I know you lied to me. I know you've been viewing porn and hooker again.
Him: No, I haven't (looks me in the eyes and lies)
Me: Well, I know b/c I have your screen name (I shouldn't have said that, now he'll get another one, but I'm sure I'll figure that one out,too!)
Him: Oh Ok I was on yesterday, but I'll stop
I find more 2 days later dated July 2007-January 2008.
Me: Thought it was only here when I'm gone.
Him: Well, we weren't good then.
Guess I better not burn dinner, get cancer, let anyone die, break down on the side of the road or tell him he looks fat in his new khakis.
A couple weeks ago the hubby read his "apology" to me and to say I was underwhelmed would be an understatement. It consisted of saying he's sorry he hurt me, sorry that I had the burden and then a list of "hopes" he has. (Can we say ALL ABOUT HIM?)
He also said that my "accepting when he said I was sexually unattractive" (that didn't happen until after D-Day#1)contributed to his affairs and acting out as did accepting his "lame excuses" when questioned on suspicions.
Well, I let he and the MC know that I didn't feel he apologized for the behavior only for hurting me. He was controlling the situation by listing what he hopes will happen and that his telling me that believing him that I was sexually unattractive (after the fact) was dookie. I also said I didn't trust him as I have no baseline for his sincerity.
Have you tried finding a CSAT?
(You'll have to forgive me if I've asked any of this before. I've been talking with a lot of folks lately via PM and I just can't keep everyone straight. It's very difficult with nothing but a username to identify with.)
I ordered Facing Codependence, and it came today. I can't wait to read it. The book the counselor suggested to me- Living with my Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means- is about sex addiction, but she says OH isn't an addict?!!?!? I ordered it anyway. Even if OH truly isn't an SA, I still want to read the Codependence book.
ETA: And holding. Apparently, I killed it! LOL
[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 12:12 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]
But it takes time. It's hard to believe something that you--with all your heart--wish were not true. And why not? Who on earth wanted this kind of bizarre behavior in their lives?
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
As if that weren't bad enough, we get into MC and the MC gaslights us too. Not a good situation.
H and MC know that his "apology" is going to take a lot longer and he will need to work on it more with his SAA group.
Is he in treatment for his SA? It does not sound like it at all. I'd be very concerned about this if he's supposedly getting counseling for his SA or working the steps with a sponsor. What is his status?
He goes to meetings and I do not pry into those as I feel it's a violation of the "anonymous" aspect of the meetings.
You should not place any trust in him until he proves that he is actively in recovery and is sober.
We had another discussion last night where I told him:
I could accept his being an addict, but I could not forgive his labeling me a co-addict - but I could accept it.
I could forgive his acting out, but I could not forgive his lies and the betrayal of trust - but I could accept it.
I could forgive him trying to blame me but I could not forgive his cruelty nor can I accept it.
I then informed him - as he had informed me before - that although I love him, I am currently not "in love" with him.
This has brought him to a low point and he stated that he is very concerned about our relationship but understands my need to get better, move on or move past this. He is not asking me to forgive him because he realizes how much damage he has done and that it's going to take longer - but he will continue to help me in my quest to forgive myself.
He then asked me to go to an RCA meeting with him tonight so I can see the step progress for myself. I informed him I would give it a try but will take no ownership of being his "mirror image". He is OK with that and then proceeded to tell me that he was going to keep working on his apology "for as long as it takes" and also make a promise to me as part of it. He said he loved me and wants to become the kind of husband I deserve. I told him thank you.
He cried himself to sleep.
Our husband's sound like they're on a similar trajectory in terms of recovery. I'm heartened by his progress, but it's hard to not slip back into frustration that I'm having to deal with this in the first place. However, it is what it is...and if my husband becomes the man I always thought he was, as he has promised, then I guess that's the up side.
I too found The Power of Now helped...though it's hard to implement sometimes. However, if I keep reminding myself that right now, I'm okay. Right now, I'm safe. And right now, I'm gaining the tools I need to protect and care for myself, then I gather strength.
I'm glad we all have this thread. I remain convinced that our healing takes a different course than those healing from a "conventional" affair. It's wonderful that we have each other to learn from and support.
In the past 3 days, my H has finally confessed several things to me. Most of which I already suspected, but he had denied for 14 months.
I know trickle truth is common with SA. I pushed him because I know telling me the truth is also admitting his behavior to himself. And I think that is important if we ever have a chance of moving forward.
Still, I am having a REAL difficult time. I feel almost as bad as D-Day. Like I am falling and there is no bottom.
How do you deal with trickle truth? Are you supportive, even though they have lied?
Any tips? Very confused.
He likes to minimize his behavior, blame me, or put it aside as "past" and having no affect on the future. None of which will work.
The only reason I found out about his SA was I got an STD. He now says this was a good thing because it made him face what he was doing.
But, not enought to come clean about all his behavior before then. He told me it was just his first time at a strip club and he caught an STD from a hand job.
Like getting pregnant the first time. Possible, but not likely.
And yes, about ever 4 months I find out another detail or there is a slip. I've always been troubled by his story. It was just 1 night in a strip club. It didn't ring true. Like bad gas in a car, it kept rattling around in my head. But even 100 questions couldn't make him budge.
A few weeks ago, I asked him if he would take a lie detector test about his fidelity in our marriage. He refused. Blamed me for being paranoid.
But that confirmed everything to me. He had lied. I cut off sex, moved rooms in the house, and after a week asked him to move out. If he couldn't be truthful about his past, I didn't feel we had any chance of a future.
Struggling with how to deal with "truth" as it comes. Want to kick him out.
[This message edited by need_support at 5:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
I think me threatening to leave really did it for him.
Hi...good for you implementing those boundaries.. IF he had nothing to hide, he'd take the poly.
I wrote my own extensive list of DISCLOSURE ?'s...gave them to him & our counselor...then he answered them in session...and knew he's going to be polygraphed...THAT is why he was finally honest...
Is anyone interested in seeing my Disclosure ?'s??? I had to make them myself, as i DID NOT find them in any book!!!!!
I'd love to see the list!!
My WS swears he's come clean about everything.
I just can't shake the feeling that there is more.
He says he is doing everything he can to prove his remorsefullness and win me back, but I'm having intense feelings of running away!
[This message edited by Mourning123 at 1:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]
Has anyone reached the stage where they can accept that maybe they don't know everything, but they know enough? I mean does it matter how many times they've acted out, the fact remains that they have acted out. I'm wondering if that would be a good place to be, and if so if I will ever get there.
Today I am okay with what I know and even okay with the fact that I do not believe I know everything. I have thought a lot about wanting to know. In the early stages of discovery, I wanted to know EVERYTHING – who, what, where and how. Now, if I could direct a disclosure, I think I want to know what he did and where he did these things. I no longer am interested in who and how. I am coming to realize that these OW he interacted with are not the issue, his acting out actions are. These are the things that must be dealt with for recovery.
This is where I am today and hope to stay tomorrow, but sometimes I lapse on my convictions.
Went to RCA last night - the jury is still out on whether I want to go back. Still need to decide if it's good for ME.
Today, right Now, I am doing pretty well.