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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For spouses/partners that are personally dealing with the difficulties of a long distance relationship.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
not_a_martyr
♀ Member
Member # 9518
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this would be the same as reconciling with one partner who travels 5 days out of 7, I'm up for joining it! Anyone here?


me: 40
him: 38
us: in R


Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Texas
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I'll start the ball rolling since WS is 3k miles away, well at least driving his way there right now.

Might as well start with a few intro questions:

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

He's taken a new job across the country from where we live, don't know when we will get to see each but he is hoping to get to come home every 4 wks & spend 2 here before he has to return.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes, it's one reason he was able to get away with starting to cheat so easily.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Yes, we have always had 2 places until this last year.

4. Do you have kids?

No, just furbabies.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

WS has one main lust of his life for 4 yrs when I busted him via an email / pix, with dating profiles, visiting strip clubs, phone sex. Has been "foggy" ever since & this last Nov when working at same job he just restarted, again cheated, now claims to be a "sex addict". He spent a ton that we couldn't afford in strip clubs, had one stripper to to breakfast with him, picked up viagra & condoms, set up a dating profile claiming to be "newly single" but hadn't paid yet to be able to get or send messages while claiming to be significantly younger, had dinner with another woman (told her he was "separated"), called those 2 plus someone else to see them again.

He claims he doesn't want a divorce but has had great difficult showing that in actions on a consistent daily basis. I would prefer not to get a divorce but significant changes would need to happen to make this marriage work in a healthy constructive way.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

WS has long term abuse issues from childhood & long term marriage with (according to him) serial cheater (he claims he was faithful to her).

He disconnected & hasn't been able to really connect with me or the marriage since.

His lack of radical honesty; lack of empathy for me; lack of understanding about the betrayal trauma (despite having gone thru it himself); too many bandaid / token efforts sporadically instead of deep rooted remorseful consistent, daily actions; lack of following thru on promises; his unjustified anger / withdrawal / stonewalling / gaslighting.

On my side, I'm crushed beneath all the betrayals & lies, angry as hell about what he's done that he shouldn't have while not doing what he should & have hope equivalent to that of a snowballs chance in hell.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

There were obvious issues with "little white lies" & communication before he DDay. We have had a great relationship early on but has been not just eroded but devatated by his crappy choices. We were best friends, extremely compatible, greatly enjoyed spending time together & had a very passionate physical relationship once upon a time. That all started to disappear when the cheating came into play & never regained since. That is heart breaking to both of us, but he thinks if I just get over it, put the past behind us without working on the issues that brought us here, everything would be great again. I obviously disagree with that assessment.

EDIT: Added 6th & 7th questions.

Also guys, could you please make liberal use of the space bar for paragraphs? Cuz I know my swiss cheese brain has can't follow long paragraphs anymore.

[This message edited by unicornsearcher at 9:48 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
not_a_martyr
♀ Member
Member # 9518
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We see each other on weekends only, and only on weekends when he doesn't work out of country or agree to stay over to accommodate someone else who, imo, has better boundaries (i.e., work/life balance) and will enforce their priorities.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes. His first took place while working in Vancouver. There may have been one earlier in SoCal, but that's never been proven. Then there were others - all while he was away, although he did continue them right under my nose during the time he was home. This would include the year after I had our son when he was more or less involved with a whole slew of other women via the Internet.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

I suppose it is. He left on his first 3 week international trip less than one week after we returned from getting married. One month after I had our son, he left for 8 weeks abroad. These days, it feels stranger having him home than having him gone.

4. Do you have kids?

We sure do. There's a 6 yr old daughter from a prior relationship of mine, and a 2 yr son. We consider them both *ours*.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

Brief isn't in my vocabulary, but I'll try. After having my fill of his A's and lies and finally finding that he'd signed up for "casual sex" on sexsearch.com, I told him we needed to talk. This was the first time I didn't get hysterical, cry, rant or rave. Of course, to this day he claims he didn't sign up. Someone else must have.. yeah, his best friend (female) or so he claims. Whatever. I'm not stupid, but it's something he just can't admit to himself. Prior to that, I'd thought all his activities were limited to online excursions. So, 20 minutes after making love after he tells me he's changed, done intense personal work to find out why, and wants to fully commit to our marriage and family (and I've given him ample opportunity to clear the air of anything else I'd need to know), I logged into his email to find "sex and stuff" (steamy descriptions of her dreams of him) and "we were playing - don't show anyone" (e.g., pictures of her and her naked gf) emails. I'll be damned if he hadn't been having phone sex with an ex-gf tramp (got knocked up so she could leave the Navy) right before he returned home to me. She even asked him how our talk went. Out of everything, it hurt more that he shared details about our relationship with her.

So, we got rid of her (it was a long painful process), he became incredibly transparent, and I found the SI registration information in his e-mail. Apparently he'd been reading here for a year first. I suspected he was trolling for other WS's to mess around with (yes, I am/was jaded).

To make a long story not nearly as long as it could be, I never quite bought into his "transformation". Instead, I focused my attentions elsewhere and let myself become WS/OW. It's over now, he knows about it, but he won't ask any questions and claims not to want any details. There is the thought on his part that what I did was worse since I actually met the guy in person and he claims that he never had physical contact with anyone. Not sure if I believe that, but we've agreed that we've both had EAs that went beyond appropriate boundaries.

Now that I've talked your ear off, I wonder if anyone else is in R, mostly long distance, and dealing with both parties having to have utmost truth in situations that are difficult at best to verify??


me: 40
him: 38
us: in R


Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so cool. It feel like a little kid at Christmas and this forum is my brand new toy!


1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

It varies. The shortest is him being away for ten days and then back for four days off. Depending on the job, he could be gone for 30 days.


2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
On his days off while we were deciding if we were going to S or D. (I'm still confused about all of that so I'll save that story for another time.)

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Yes. For about the past 7 years. I was the one doing the travelling up until about 3 years ago. Then he started.

4. Do you have kids?
Yes, three. Our eldest son would've been 24. Then a 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl. Oh ya, and a Jack Russell with ADD.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
italic]
Best described in my profile.



Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if anyone else is in R, mostly long distance, and dealing with both parties having to have utmost truth in situations that are difficult at best to verify??

I don't know but certainly verifying the truth is always important but even more challenging LD. And to a certain extent, the issue how both partners are accountable / loyal to each other is a crucial one (no matter what label can be slapped on 'em).

Could you please edit your post to add the new questions? That way they will be all in my place for those that follow...

At least you do get regular time together, that's good. I know what you mean about it being more odd to have them there than not, it's hard to shift gears sometimes. I am a remote hogger cuz I got into the habit of having it all to myself all the time!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta ask a question that has been nagging me...

Okay..here goes.

As much as it can be difficult that they travel and are away from home, do you ever find a sense of relief because it can give you some 'down time' as well?

It's like having the benefits of working on R but with 'space'.

Sometimes I feel real nasty for thinking that but man, it gives me some great quality time to work on me, the things I forgot I liked to do, finding new things to do, etc..

Not a martyr. Sorry I got so excited about asking my question, I forgot what I wanted to tell you. About a year and a half before my FWH ONS, I seriously considered an A. I didn't go through with it (whew) but I was honest and told him about it after he told me about his ONS. He says he doesn't want to know details and such but I've often wondered is it because he trusts me or because he didn't want to hear about it and then therefore not have to deal with it.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 10:56 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:41 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think they may not be asking any Q's cuz that way they can say "i didn't ask so why are you?" or do you guys feel you have full disclosure & are pretty much done asking affair detail questions?

Based on the marriage I thought we had, I never thought I would ever be replaced that quickly.
I place alot of value on loyalty. I placed alot of value on the intimate part of our relationship and that I never imagined myself with anyone else so how could he have done this? So easily and without thought or consideration for the love, loyalty and devotion I had given him for so many, many years.

I feel exactly the same way, sigh...

March 07-Don't know what is going on with me. I've started to like myself again, got some of my old interests back and some new ones too. I'm not that 'sad' all the time anymore, and I can have an okay day.

Sometimes my days are better than okay. I think healing is knocking at my door!

Yup, I peeked and it was healing at the door. I let it come in slowly, I examined it, was critical of it and then gave it a big hug. I can't and won't let go now.

My healing came in the form of a tall dark and handsome man who looks just like my husband but with some scars that weren't there before.

What a wonderful description of healing with a WS! I hope that happens for more couples that are wanting to reconcile & I would love to have that too!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies...how's your day going?

And Uni...yes, I hope you get the same from and with your WS as well. Not all days are sunshine and butterflies but close.

How about we all co-author a book on long distance relationships? Then we can be rich and sit on a beach drinking things with little umbrellas in them all day, every day...365 days a year.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would have preferred to have met you all under different circumstances, but since I'm here...

See my profile for the basic timeline of H's comings and goings and waywardness.

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

H has been largely working out of city/state/country for about the last 5 years of our almost 11-yr M. We've varied from seeing him almost every weekend to 1 week a month to summers and extended holidays only to a 13 month stretch where we didn't see him at all. That was the first absence and the most difficult one and the one when he lost his way by being away from home and family for so long.

Since August we've been in a roughly 7-10 consecutive days every 4-7 weeks phase of seeing each other. Dday was November 1, when we went to visit him. This "5-yr plan" (that I never really agreed to, it was just thrust upon me) to let him get established in his career was supposed to wrap up by this May (5 year mark), by end of summer at the latest. Now we're still trying to determine if that's in the cards. If it happens, we may have a real chance at R. If it doesn't, and there's no end in sight to the LD factor in the M, then we will probably end up D. His boundaries are nowhere near strong enough to support this model.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Ditto uni: Yes, it's one reason he was able to get away with starting to cheat so easily. He never cheated until he started traveling and he never shat in his own backyard, so to speak.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

It had become that way, but I've never been fond of the arrangement. It's pretty much all our kids can remember, though. He's been traveling since the oldest two were 3 and 5.

4. Do you have kids?

Yes, 3.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

Dday. A friend from another online site whose first M ended over serial infidelity had posted links to an infidelity site before, so I knew such things existed. I eventually found my way here in the month afterward. It was a lot to discover all at once that the sacrifices I thought we were both making the last 5 years was all a lie.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

My H. He's about 6'3", 240. He has a negative view of marriage, unhealthy views of women, is very selfish and self-centered, isn't sure he wants to be married, and doesn't value the marital/family relationship very highly. Mostly, he's just very confused. His background explains an awful lot about him and why he is so badly broken, but I'm not sure at this point whether there's enough left in him to salvage. Because he was gone so much, I had no idea his demons were kicking our Ms ass so badly or for so long. What problems were apparent were easily attributed to the distance and perpetual adjustment of him slotting in and out of our lives.

The distance is secondary at this point, though it definitely played the primary role in enabling him to become so unmoored from our family and reality.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Yes and no. I have always known that H had issues, and I always tried to compensate for them and give him room to find space in our M. So, it worked to the extent that I accepted far more and far less than I probably should have from him. I was okay with that because I thought he would grow up and grow into it, and he did show some signs of doing so.

Even though he could have been a better H, he was never a "bad" H. He wasn't abusive, he didn't cheat, he was good with the kids, he did some stuff around the house, we made a great team and enjoyed each other's company pretty well--enough to make the relationship very healthy and functional if not fully satisfying for either of us. But we married young and then had kids right away and had hefty financial constraints, so we definitely slipped into the "old married couple" rut a lot sooner than we should have. Neither of us did hardly anything that we should have to make the M fun for each other.

Is anyone else in R, mostly long distance, and dealing with both parties having to have utmost truth in situations that are difficult at best to verify??

H's truthiness is the only side that is in question in our M. This is definitely problematic as he could still be lying and I've got no way of knowing. Since we haven't fully committed to R I'm not pushing the issue yet but transparency and the ability to verify as desired I think are essential in a LDR situation.

As much as it can be difficult that they travel and are away from home, do you ever find a sense of relief because it can give you some 'down time' as well?

Even though I never wanted the distance, I had definitely gotten used to it. I thought it was good for our M in some ways because we both did have so much growing up left to do, and it gave us both the space to do it (and positively, so I thought ). There are things I had to learn to handle and responsibilities I assumed and relationships that I developed that I never would have done had H been home the entire time.

Come dday, those things have all stood me in very good stead, and are probably the main reason why I haven't lost it yet. I've already been doing it "on my own" so I know I can and I don't have that same fear that others may of being alone. I've already got more "me" habits and focus built into my current way of life. It's also been good that his being out of the house has continued to insulate the kids from all of the fallout. The arguments and discussions take place by phone or email or prearranged times when the kids are asleep or out of the house, and I don't have to schizophrenically go from argument to faking it nonstop for them in the same way that I would if H lived at home with us right now. I just have to appear sane enough that family services doesn't come after me.

It's just sad because I was so looking forward to the LD part of our M being over, and us reconnecting and finding each other older, wiser, with increasingly independent kids, and more appreciative of the everyday, not taking it for granted. Now I've just got baggage and memories of a deficit of fun and companionship and an excess of responsibility, while he's been living it up the whole time with the reverse memories.

[This message edited by incrisis at 2:11 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 6:11 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so sad to read what you guys have written, just so incredibly heartbreaking & unncessesary...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Incrisis... I dunno what to say...except...hugs. And can a get you a coffee, wine, crantini, margarita...

This seems to be a fairly small group of us so far. I know there is more, but it just kind of makes me think that having a S who travels is the minority. Maybe not necessarily a minority, but like a few of you have pointed out, it makes it easier to cover up on their end.

My FWH will be home in a few days and I always dread this anticipation. Now our R is going well, but, let's face it, I'm a BS and I have issues. I have questions...two very burning questions. I just hate that we have such a short time together and it's not going to be all sunshine and roses.

I'm always happy to see him, but it still lacks the luster it had before. I know we'll never really get it back but I still miss that part so much.

Like you incrisis, I am way more independent. I don't think he counted on just how independent I could be.

FWH even said to me one time that he knows that at any time I could up and leave. He may come home and I'll not be there. It's a fear for him. Have any of you experience a comment like that?

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:11 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
It depends. Sometimes he's deployed, or training a few hours away. Sometimes he is in another country for 6 months to a year. Other times he works a regular 7-4 type job. Right now he is training about 5 hours away but is home on the weekends. Come October, he is being deployed again for 7 months. It really makes any work on R very hard.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
He's had 17 OW. Some ONS, some EA/PA, one or two LTA's. He has been home for some and deployed for some. There seems to be no rhyme or reason.

3. Is being LD normal for you?
No. I was used to having him home most of the time. We got married in 97 and he was home until spring 99 (then he left on a 6 month tour). He didn't deploy again until Nov 03 and was gone until Sept 04 (though I got to see him twice in that time). The he went on a tour to Cuba from Sept. 05 to Dec. 06. Now I've become used to having him gone most of the time. That's not my idea of what a married life is.

4. Do you have kids?
Two feline furbabies.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
I found an e-mail from one of the OW in late Jan of 06. I finally confronted and stood my ground. I knew the woman, had her number so I called. She was shocked and told me that WH had told her we had an open marriage. It went on, booty call once every 6 to 8 weeks, for quite awhile. After I found our that, I confronted WH and he started to spill after gaslighting me and blameshifting for years.

Shortly after that I was online doing some research and I came across SI.

I think this forum saved my life. I know it saved my sanity.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
The military and my WH's serious fear and distrust of therapists. He has some issues with them from his childhood.

His problem with lying.

His desire to just make it "go away".

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?
That's a tough one. I don't think I got a chance to really know him before the cheating started. He took that opportunity away from me.

[This message edited by DownNotOut at 9:23 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Niteowl57
♂ Member
Member # 13734
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY LD relationship is now over- After four years she met OM-- she lead me to beleive that she was not sure what she wanted but now it is clear , he is there and was there while I was 2700 miles away. If we would R. I would insist on her moving here like the original plan. It is too hard to keep it going let alone after an A.


If we couldn't laIugh we'd all go insane-Jimmy Buffet
D DAY September 6,09
We are both 51
Her still her as a roomate


Posts: 679 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Niteowl

I read your profile. Thanks for putting all that down. Just makes it so much easier to understand where someone is coming from.

How has it been lately with her?

IMHO, it seems that distance is the 'key' to being able to justify her A. As you already know, the 'you weren't here for me, or buy me this, so I did what I did' line is so weak.

You were there for her in every sense of the word other than the physical sense but tried to make that up seeing each other whenever you could. You're a tough and very good man for being able to do that for 4 years.

I find the trust level with an LDR has to go up like 100 notches or something. It's like blind faith at its prime.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you incrisis, I am way more independent. I don't think he counted on just how independent I could be.

FWH even said to me one time that he knows that at any time I could up and leave. He may come home and I'll not be there. It's a fear for him. Have any of you experience a comment like that?


Yes, my H is always talking about me leaving him. I tell him that he left us first, a long long time ago.

On the one hand I kind of think he wants me to, because he is too cowardly to do it himself. But on the other, I think he is very afraid that I actually will. My H's A behavior was strictly an exercise in cake-eating (supposedly, to the extent of the polygamous marriage ideal he adopted a long time ago to support it). But he never once contemplated the thought of leaving me, of not having us as his anchor and the better part of himself.

One time post dday I asked him what he thought would happen if/when I found out and he said he thought I would accept it because I "loved him unconditionally." Last week for the first time, he actually thanked me for not giving up on him yet. It's all very maddening.

Speaking of trust and verifying truthfulness, I've been struggling recently with whether to contact the LTAP again, via email. She was a virtual fount of information off and on for about 2 months shortly after dday, but I have not contacted her or vice-versa in 3 months.

Post dday, the relationship eventually came to a complete halt as far as I know, but I'm not so sure of that. H says it's been NC since mid-Feb at least. If they've not been in communication, I don't want to prompt her to contact him again, but if they have been talking anyway, I'd like to know. I believe she would tell me if they have been.

I was thinking I would ask H about it again when I talk to him later and depending on what I think of his response, maybe email her again. Because she thought she had a real chance at having a real relationship with him (as second wife, yes it's crazy), she has a vested interest in knowing if he's being truthful yet on the hope that if we ended up D he might reconnnect with her instead (which isn't likely, even if we D). So it's not that she'd automatically gloat, oh, here's incrisis, she must be worried about me. But if he is in contact with her, she may be curious to know what he's been saying on my end.

I would only ask about when was the last time they had contact and what was the nature of the exchange.

What do you guys think? Any 2x4s of potential drawbacks for me?

ETA: She is in another country/continent halfway round the world from he and I right now.

[This message edited by incrisis at 1:53 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am soooo happy that we have a thread again!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other? We've been apart pretty much our entire relationship! I'd say 16 of our 20 years together. Currently we see each other about once per month for 3-7 days.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes, it was very convenient for him. Geez--I'm lonely, too, you know???

3. Is being LD normal for you? Oh yeah.

4. Do you have kids? Yes, two teens.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI? Don't really want to get into it. But pretty much the same issues as everyone else!

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery? Just not being together enough to talk and be physically close. When he comes back, it takes a while to get "used to" being together again and then he's gone again! It's just so frustrating.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way? We had our ups and downs. We had kind of come to a low point in our marriage--but both going through midlife issues and we've been married quite some time. BUT nothing that could not have been turned around. And if it was unsalvageable, then he should have divorced me before screwing around. JMHO.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
BlueGirl
♀ Member
Member # 13775
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a LD relationship, too. I like this forum and I am still reading everyone's posts. It may be a few days before I can post anything long, but I will as soon as I'm feeling better.

I have a lot of hugs and empathy for all of you, and I'm here. Not good for much tonight, but after I get a few good nights of sleep I will try and give something back.


D-day #1 10/05
D-day #2 10/06
I HATE OCTOBER!!!!!
*******************
Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. --Victor Hugo
************************
BlueGirl

Posts: 706 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is coming home today for 4 days off.

Why am I so nervous? Why?

Just a retorical question. Just a vent.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ohpuhlease)))

I can relate.


Here's a question that's not been covered yet:

How do you maintain communication during your spouse's absences?

Is your spouse in areas where they can be easily contacted at any time, or is it hard to talk regularly? Do you do phone, letter, email, pictures, text message, or what? And about how often while they're away? Daily, weekly, other?

I think this is one area in which WH and I have failed dismally so far.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
Topic Posts: 286
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