Guess it's just the reconciliation dance, huh? One step forward...or is it two steps forward??
Take care all!!!
Punky...oh yes, the mid visit meltdowns. I know them too well my friend. All too well.
I had mine on the second day he was back. I had no idea how many questions and hurt feelings I had stored up. The flood gates opened.
He was good about it. He sat there and listened and talked.
When is your H home again? How long will this trip away be?
I've referred a couple of people here, but haven't seen them yet.
How is everyone else doing???
So I'm here. And maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's just a need to multi-task but I'm here. I hope I can contribute something of value to help you all feel less alone going through this.
I don't know if it's because my RL has been crazy busy lately or if, like NAM, I'd just rather not think about my own problems.
He made the NC call and he's been calling everyday, but I still haven't given him the rest of my "needed to consider R" list. Afraid of scaring him off, maybe, or having him change his mind?
We've been having everyday conversation when we talk which is good and I know we need to do that, but I still have tons of A and R questions and when are we going to talk about that? Should we set up a schedule or something? Make a code word? It's all so weird.
He seems more attuned about some things lately but eh, it may be easy enough to fake it when you still don't really have to DO anything, don't have to walk the walk.
I did book a trip to go see him next month, just me by myself, for a long weekend. Once we started looking at summer scheduling and how much time he's trying to take off then to spend with us, it didn't look like a good idea for him to take time to come home this month or next. So I offered to come there. He said he wanted me to come but he could have seemed more excited about it.
Just wondering if anything will ever be enough. I don't know. I had to attend a conference for work this week and I'm tired and cranky and PMSing and have to switch back into together mommy mode tonight and I don't wanna.
I've seen you out there recruiting for us, punky. Keep up the good work! Hopefully more will join us soon.
Anyone else see this thread?: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=162587
What do you think? My H did all his A behavior while working away on business. I hope someone does do some studies in this area, and come up with some advice for both BSs and WSs to help avoid it. At the very least a "signs to look for" for LD BSs would be nice. A lot of the typical signs don't apply for LD-only WSs.
[This message edited by incrisis at 1:18 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]
I don't have a lot of time to respond to these latest posts. Just know I've read them and I so can relate. Hope everyone has at least a good phone convo with their spouses this coming weekend!
I will be out of town on business Sun-Tues. Kids with grandpa! Time for me to have a little fun! But not that kind!
Yea, incrisis, I am a recruiting machine!
Seriously. Do you feel married? I'm not sure I do, but I'm leaning towards not. What kind of M would this be anyway? We have been leading almost totally separate lives. And my H has apparently felt quite free to do as he pleased.
Did you know you were getting into an LDM when you said I do? Do you like it this way? What is the point of an LDM anyway? I got married to have a partner, for the companionship and the shared experiences. There's not a lot of that in an LDM. This was already not working for me way before dday.
I don't see it as necessarily a bad thing that I don't feel married anymore, but it does mean that there is probably more damage here than either of us are aware of. At the moment I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to resume living with my H again on a daily basis.
When I read other threads about WSs seeing the damage and feeling remorse I am conflicted. I would say my H is apologetic, but not necessarily remorseful. I think this is at least in part because he hasn't seen the damage he did, and doesn't get how serious it is. He wasn't around for it and I've been healing largely on my own as well. I mean, he's done what he had to do to keep me from filing D, but more than that he's not seen me at my emotional lows. He may have heard parts of them over the phone, or from the IC/MC, but he saw very little of it so far. And what he has seen is mostly just the anger. Honestly, when I do see him, I don't much feel like spilling my guts or showing the vulnerability to someone who I can't trust to protect me.
I'm wondering if the healing I've done so far is just the coping and resignation/acceptance stuff. I wonder if we will still be starting from square one with working on the M when or if we should ever be living together on a daily basis again. I see little reason to work on the M if we're not going to be living together, but I also hate to think that some of the worst is yet to come in terms of dealing with the aftermath together. It would be easier to keep going on the path of boxing it up and not looking at it too closely. We've not done a whole lot together recently and that's a helluva thing to have to start with.
I'm mostly just rambling here but I do have a real question. For those of you that are in LDMs and think you are reconciling or reconciled, how do you tell? What do you think is different in your M than before? Do you feel close to your WS or like you're just biding time?
[This message edited by incrisis at 2:04 PM, April 30th (Monday)]
Incrisis--I totally feel the same way.
I never knew when we married that we would have a LDM. I knew he wanted to serve and understood that would mean separation. But, it just goes on and on and honestly some days I feel as if I am divorced/single. I was at a conference recently and someone asked if I was divorced! More and more often I feel like throwing in the towel.
Mostly because I am not seeing significant changes in my H/remorse over the A. Nothing but little things. I am just hanging in there and hoping that he is just baby stepping his way to a real R. At this point, I don't know if we are R or not.
Good to see you back around. How was your trip?
I didn't know we were going to have an LDM or that it was even really a possibility. I knew my H wanted to work on international projects and so therefore travel would be involved, but I was thinking never anything more than a week or two here and there, a month tops, and that only between long stretches at home and/or with us accompanying him.
I was talking to H over the weekend and I flat out told him that I'm not married. Not in any real sense. I guess I am also hoping to hang in there long enough for us to reach the single-household state again this year and just see whether it works or not. But I definitely feel like in many ways it would just be easier/better to call it a day. I feel like I am now being forced to knowingly waste a year or more after unknowingly wasting 4 of them.
I am known for my patience but this beats anything I could ever have imagined. I don't know if I can do it. If it even makes sense to do it. But eventually there will be some sort of sign, right? Or we will just "know" if we are done or if we're in R? That's what I keep telling myself.
Oh boy--that hits a nerve with me. I feel like I am wasting time, too. I know that I want a great marriage and I am ready for it. Waiting for him to be ready is killing me.
I know that I want a great marriage and I am ready for it. Waiting for him to be ready is killing me.
This is exactly how I felt last year this time, pre-dday, when I told him we were coming up fast on year 5 of what we will generously call his/our "5 year 'plan'" and that it needed to be wrapped up by then. The 4 years weren't wasted in the sense that I grew up a lot and learned a lot about myself during that time. Pre-dday I was thinking, I'm all grown up and ready for love, let me polish up my act (not that it was tarnished to begin with, but there were things we'd talked about that I could do more with), give it my best shot, and see how it goes when we're local again next summer.
Now I'm thinking, good thing I started polishing (exercise, wardrobe, etc.), because this idiot is so not deserving or ready for me. He says that guys like him are hard to find but I say there's plenty more fish in the sea, especially if we're counting cheaters like him. I told him that apparently I can either be with someone that treats me like a queen and might cheat on me, or someone that doesn't make me feel special and has already proven that he'll cheat on me. No brainer, you'd think?
So I'm not waiting indefinitely for him to be ready. If it isn't in him to make me feel special (my subjective need), and if we're not local by the end of 2007 (my concrete need--give or take the time needed to sync school schedules and a moving van), there will be a D filing. One year post-dday is way more than generous enough for H to get his act together.
I'm adopting his motto--life's too short.
[This message edited by incrisis at 5:34 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]
My trip was good. Went to Memphis on business. Ate more bbq and fried stuff than I care to admit. Probably gained 5 pounds...
Since I am sitting here eating an umpteen calorie chocolate chunk cookie with walnuts, lightly microwaved, from one of the two best local bakeries, I am in no position to talk about others' food consumption. Sounds like a good time to me! And it's good for us to be the ones to get away for awhile. Who stays with your kiddoes when you're gone, or are they old enough to not need a caretaker?
I am taking a long weekend to go see H in two weeks, just me by myself, and I am starting to get anxious already. Blech. Having lots of second (and second-thousandth, and second-millionth) thoughts about the whole R notion.
Wondering if I will completely fall apart or be revulsed by him when it's just us? So far we've always been en famille since dday, with little pitchers nearby except for the odd dinner and movie, and I've had to keep it together. I careen between feeling like I'll be happy to see him alone with no pressures, and thinking that this visit may prove that whatever remains of us is too damaged to repair.
Wondering if I am a dog-in-the-manger BS--just wanted him until he went NC and said he'd try, and now that he said he'd try, do I really want him?
Wondering if he will really improve or if I can live with having a fairweather WS without the resentment and insecurity eating me alive.
Wondering if I'm NOT smarter than a 5th grader. My oldest has brought up the idea of his dad and I being D at least once a year for the last 3 years now. Not as something he wants, necessarily, but as in he doesn't quite understand our M, why his dad isn't around for him, and why his dad doesn't act any more responsible than him sometimes even when he IS home. I posted about this last one in General this morning but noone responded: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=163977
I'm not surprised b/c it's kind of a weird sitch and not one most people would relate to without the LTA and/or LD elements, unless maybe there was something like MH, substance abuse, or DV involved in the household. Great things I find myself comparing to.
Anyway, in a weird place right now.
I know you feel weird about it; I did, too, before the first time I saw him away from home post d-day. But it is good--it does provide the peace you need to delve into whether you have a marriage left or not. You can talk and SEE the reactions/expressions on his face. That really helps.
I hope to see my H alone again soon. It's been too long. I went to Miami in December.
I am such a whiny baby!
I'm not feeling too optimistic about the M these days. So far I have only asked H for two things. One was NC, and two was to hear from him daily. I've not gotten either one. The first few months I definitely didn't expect them to actually happen. In January when I started to believe him when he said he wanted R, I expected them to happen in the near future. Two weeks ago, when I drew the "NC is a must" line and he himself said, "so you want me to call you everyday, right?" I definitely expected them to start happening, like, now.
They're not. At least not to my satisfaction. I don't know for sure about the NC (text or phone--she's overseas, remember). I know there was at least one more round of C after his NC call b/c I asked him and he said so. But he has yet to ever volunteer the information (which is what I really asked for) and I think he's still lying or at least minimizing the C anyway because of the way he's so vague about it when asked.
The daily calling--he told me when I first asked that it probably wasn't going to happen. Yeah, nice, right? I've still talked to him most days but I called him about as much as he called me, if not more. I've cut back a lot and only call him if I need to tell him something about the kids or household issues.
Since two weeks ago, I've mostly heard from him daily except for one day last weekend and then not this past weekend at all (from Friday night to Monday afternoon), and also not yesterday. Who knew you still got weekends off from M after infidelity? Monday when I asked why he hadn't called, he said that he'd told me before that he didn't know if the daily calling was going to happen. And I said yeah, and I said that I didn't know if this M was going to work. I'd bet that's why he didn't call yesterday, because I had the nerve to call him on his shit and not just be grateful for any old crumbs. What bullshit. Weekends is when he has nothing but free time and he can't call me? Hell no. Him tuning out from the fact that he is M is partly what got us here in the first place.
So, I've been reading and posting a lot this week as I struggle with things. I'm not ready to call it quits but I'm just so damn tired of this shit.
After he supposedly went NC and we were looking at summer plans and thinking we may not see him until late June, I even took the initiative to schedule a trip out there to see him next week. He gives a little, I give a lot--still the same old script. I don't know if that made him think he could coast again until then, but if so then he's mistaken.
Right now I'm thinking of not going. I have at least two other trips coming up this year where I can reuse the funds, and it's now looking like he'll be here in early June anyway. No need for alone time if he doesn't want to invest himself in the M anyway. We can be a front for the kids until a resolution is reached without that.
This weekend is Mother's Day so I'm thinking that will tell me more. He's not one for holidays and special occasions but when your ass is on the line you'd think you'd step it up if it's important to you. He'd have to make the effort to arrange to send me something.
What do you guys think? Am I thinking about this reasonably? Should I go even if he's slacking, in case it ends up being good for us? I just don't know if I could handle it if he's slacking, I go, and then it's the same old insensitivity (him) and disappointment (me). And then even if it's good I'll be pissed because you shouldn't keep getting the good times (him) without slogging through the bad (me). That is the story of our M right now and it is a very bitter pill to swallow.
How long has it been since you've seen your H? If it has been a long time, maybe you should still go. Like I said before, actually being in front of a person can tell you lots about the REAL situation. Facial expressions, tone of voice--all make more sense in person. Plus, you being there might make it harder for him to forget he is married.
I think not having the communication on his days off is bothersome. I know it really bugs me when it happens. Days off, no kids, no home to take care of--why wouldn't you have time to call and let your wife know you care?
Feeling really shaky right now myself in regard to the M. I am seeing glimmers of hope, but nothing solid yet. And I am so tired of being disappointed when my expectations aren't met.
I need more and likely you do, too! Hugs.
Not at all sure how the visit is going to go though. Definitely feeling very shaky about the M here too, and about getting through the MD weekend first.
I don't expect anything from H but I need more than nothing.
Hopefully the trip will be helpful, one way or another.
Luck, hugs, the whole dang thing...