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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
Broken8
♀ Member
Member # 14863
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

It is unknown how long he will be gone. Most times, we can only visit on weekends. I have been visiting more since the A was exposed. We are trying to get him home, but it doesn't look like that will be possible.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes, he was in the same town he is in now. It has been very hard for me to deal with him staying, but I did it to support his career.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

He started working away from home about two years ago. Last year, I could sense he was "Checking out" of the marriage and I begged him to come home. He refused. Now we are here. The A started about 3 months after we had that conversation.

4. Do you have kids?
Yes 4, from 12 down to 9 months.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I was completely distraut after discovering the A. I was searching online for reading material to help me cope. I found SI. I have people to talk to, but if they have never been in the situation, opinions and views are a little distorted. This is a great place for me to vent and help calm my nerves sometimes.

My story is in my profile. I was referred from another forum. I really had hope that he was coming home and we could try to deal with this in a normal way with counseling and togetherness, but we just learned that it is probably not going to happen. I am a little disgusted and disappointed right now. I am hoping that there is still a way to reconcile while still living apart in different towns.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

I am still triggering pretty often and I am alone to deal with these. I can contact him throughout the day by text messages. We talk on the phone a couple of times a day and email occasionally. This is a very hard thing to get over. The distance alone drives me crazy, especially since he is still in the same town where the A took place.

He has seemed to try to understand my pain but I don't know if he will ever truly "get it" completely.

i did everything for him. Every thought or decision I made was about him and what he would want. I handle the finances, children, house, full-time job, pets, everything. He felt like he wasn't getting the attention he needed so instead of talking to me about it, he found a girlfriend and gave her everything I had been asking for all along. It hurts so much and I really want to be able to find my way through this.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I was not happy with the living arrangements. I had asked him to come home on several occasions. I knew we were headed for trouble just like this. Our marriage was a perfect candidate for an affair. I tried to reach out to him to stop the downward spiral, but he shut me out. So I guess immediately prior to the A, I would say no, our relationship was not good.

[This message edited by Broken8 at 6:52 PM, July 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2007
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken, glad you came on down.

Your situation sounds similar to mine, especially in that I was not happy with the arrangement, could see and feel how it was affecting us as a family, and tried on several occasions over the years to get my H to approach his career-bilding efforts a different way, that we all could do together.

Little did I know I was already far too late, by midway through the first extended assignment.

It has also been extremely hard to not only have to realize that I was essentially M by myself, but to have to mostly grieve the damage on my own as well.

I'm on travel this week so won't be around much, but (((broken))) to you and I hope some of our other LDRs come along to welcome you.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
Broken8
♀ Member
Member # 14863
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the welcome, incrisis.

I'm hoping others as well as yourself can give me ideas about how to make this work. I hope there are positive stories to hear about.

I need hope.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2007
ro429
♀ Member
Member # 13256
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Broken8. WH and I spend the weekends together. He is attentive and makes plans for the weekend. He does research on the web and looks for activities to do around town. We take long walks, go out to eat and do everything together - grocery shop, run errands and cook. It is as if we are dating. Good luck.


I don't know what to believe anymore.

Married 17 years
2 Beautiful Teenage Daughters
Dday April 2006


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: TX
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a sense of relief when we are apart. When he is here, I am constantly reminded of all that we have lost. On the surface, everything is fine, but in reality, it is really screwed up.

Hey ro...can totally relate to this.

Hello to the newbies here. This is a great thread. It's good to know there are others who are experiencing infidelity with additional gut wrenching twist of LD added.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i did everything for him. Every thought or decision I made was about him and what he would want. I handle the finances, children, house, full-time job, pets, everything. He felt like he wasn't getting the attention he needed so instead of talking to me about it, he found a girlfriend and gave her everything I had been asking for all along. It hurts so much and I really want to be able to find my way through this.

broken--this is so similar to my situation. There is a lesson in here for both of us-somewhere...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i did everything for him. Every thought or decision I made was about him and what he would want. I handle the finances, children, house, full-time job, pets, everything. He felt like he wasn't getting the attention he needed so instead of talking to me about it, he found a girlfriend and gave her everything I had been asking for all along. It hurts so much and I really want to be able to find my way through this.

I can so relate to this. I became his mother. I made it to easy for him to check out. I made it to easy for him to not emotionally invest in his family.

I am no longer his mother.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine will be home either tomorrow or Wednesday for a while. I am nervous. Will be nice to see him, but he still hasn't come right out and said what he wants. Why am I waiting on him? That's the million dollar question...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I haven't been more active/supportive around here, but I am not exactly Little Mary Sunshine when it comes to LDR and SI.

WH and I are "officially" unofficially separated, probably soon to D. He is still addicted to texting and talking to his AP, and I can no longer consider myself M to someone who would still do that after 8 months, knowing how much it hurts and adds insult to injury for me.

We had a tentative separation agreement notarized a week ago Saturday, before I left for an overseas trip that evening. Then I left a copy with my family. (I=paranoid of travel disasters.) Not exactly sure what that does, other than give me the basis of what to take to a lawyer in order to actually file. I think it also provides grounds for CS by recognizing the COM contractually, before any others that may come into being. That was a big concern of mine.

I think I covered my bases pretty well in the agreement but not sure. I drafted it myself over the last couple monts then bargained/revised with H so if it bites me in the ass, it's on me. I could have shortchanged myself in some regards, but he signed off (for now, but hey that's precedent) on sole legal custody for me and that was my biggest issue, which he had previously objected to. CS and maintenance, etc. would be good but I'm not counting on him for it b/c he has made assholish comments about me making more than him. (He's SE and incorporated as a company last year. So his "company" covers his living expenses--in high COL cities, primarily, of course, where he lives and eats awfully well for someone poorer than me--and his "take home" is less than mine but his gross is more than twice what I make.) Whatever. If he tries to play that game and I do need help both my family and his will provide it. Same as they've done all the years he wasn't really contributing anyway.

Anyway, I saw my IC that Thursday morning before putting all of this in motion. I told her what the last few months had been like and all the things I'd tried, and what I was thinking and why I thought it was time for the S now and not a moment later. She said I was doing everything right (for me and how I feel with my particular situation) and that she's rarely if ever seen anyone else "get it" the way I've done, that I am "about 90% of the way there" and she was glad to see me doing so well. I said a big fat HA! to all of that. (And a huge mental THANK YOU to SI, especially my LTA and LDRers, as I would never have made it this far without you guys, with or without IC.)

But I still can't breathe half the time, I said. And I cry a lot, which I didn't say. She said she's sure that emotionally I am in a really hard place but as far as the practical stuff and the concerns to address that I am right on the money. Thank God for small favors, I guess. The rest I just have to "go through," hopefully without losing my mind.

Anyway, I had dinner with my parents and sis that Thursday evening, before H and the kids got home (they spent a couple of weeks with him in his current job state), and I told my family then that things were going down the tubes. Didn't get into the infidelity b/c there is just so much else to be able to easily attribute it to in our sitch without even having to go there. H's FOO issues, the distance, H's FOO issues, H's selfishness, H's FOO issues...you get the picture. They got the picture. Apparently, the picture was incredibly obvious to everyone BUT me.

I am so STUPID, I swear. I really hate feeling that way.

But, my folks were very supportive. I told them b/c we planned to say something to the kids last Saturday before H left, and I wanted them to be aware in case the kids go to them about it. I got back late Friday night and we did tell them we were S. Youngest was clueless and older two were initially upset, with some tears, but overall they seem okay so far.

That Thurday night before I left, after H and the kids got in, he and I were up half the night talking. It was messy and ugly, but I finally got two things I'd been needing for awhile. To be held by the person who hurt me while I cried, which I know is one of those weird things that I'm not going to even try to understand. And to see him cry about it, which I just needed to know if he ever really cared. His eyes will water and have done a lot since this all started, but I have only ever seen him truly cry on two other occasions, so I really needed to see that this affected him at least as much, for whatever twisted reasons. And I think he did/does--the IC is sure of it but I'm less confident--but he is not prepared to deal with all of his issues. Or at least he doesn't think he wants to be that type of person, so why bother? His character has really taken a beating in all of this and I do think it's too much for him. He said, among other things, that I "make him better" and that I shouldn't love him, that he's not worth it. I disagreed, but he seems intent on proving me wrong. I think he is bent on making me be the one to end this because he doesn't have it in him to do it one way or the other. I want to help him but he doesn't want to help himself.

Which leaves me as single mom of 3, it looks like. I just can't believe it.

So, all of this surrounding my first-ever international business trip for an event that I planned and ran. Stress much lately?

And now for the punchline...

My event was last Tuesday and it went really well, despite all sorts of possible obstacles--let's say "flooding in southern England" and leave it at that. I had to give a presentation during the event, which also went really well right up until the end. I had forgotten to hyperlink a URL that I needed to pull up during my talk, and when I opened a new window and went to type it in the browser directly, it started with the same letter as...guess what site?...yes, you've got it, SI! So guess what came up in the URL drop down window and then auto-completed before I could stop it? YES! SI! The forums home page with all of the lovely thread titles that are always showing there! And it took me a good 10 seconds or so to make it go away, long enough for me to have time to comment about the error and try to quip it off as someone else's doing, so there is no doubt that EVERYONE SAW IT! So I have now shared with approximately 50 of my (not so) closest friends and colleagues from around the world that I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON AND MY H IS A FUCKTARD!! Assuming they don't think I'm the cheater, that is. Just fucking great, that. Isn't it?

I was so tired and running sheerly on adrenalin at that point, though, that I couldn't be arsed to feel the complete and total utter mortification that I should have felt. I entered the right address and completed my talk (surprisingly, there were no questions ), and continued on running the program and then the wrap up and mingling with people afterwards. But damn, I swear Hollywood couldn't have scripted my life any better. Or worse, depending on your perspective.

You can laugh, I did. Both during and after the fact.

But, now that I am returned from the UK and WH is returned to his place, it mostly just feels like "business as usual." Which is both a good thing and a very sad commentary on the state of the M prior to d-day, I guess.

So, that's my news. Not very encouraging, sorry. I just couldn't keep waiting around for H to pull his head out of his ass. He doesn't really value M nor want to be M monogamously, so while I was trying to even still be understanding of that after everything and appreciate that he claimed to love me and want to try to preserve the family in spite of that...him continuing any C with OW when he knew what was at stake and how I felt about it, just made all his claims of love seem pretty worthless. You don't keep hurting people that you love when you know that's what you're doing.

I really wanted to get to R but I knew I wouldn't get there that way.

The weird thing (well, one of many) is that I'm not sure how to feel about it. I don't feel like I lost out to OW, or to anything really, other than WH's personal issues and fears. I was asking for the whole ball of wax, or at least a shot at it. With OW and anyone else, WH claims that's not even an option. We'll see how it plays out, but (even on top of the fact that LTOW is halfway around the world and they haven't seen each other in a year and aren't likely to anytime soon) basically WH is choosing multiple women and lack of responsibility over me and his family. I can live with that, moreso than most of the other alternatives, and if that's his choice, he's not what we need or want anyway.

[This message edited by incrisis at 10:59 PM, July 30th (Monday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

huge mental THANK YOU to SI, especially my LTA and LDRers

Amen to that. You have also helped us, incrisis. Never forget that.

I cry a lot

Me, too, STILL after 10 months.

What's FOO????

I really needed to see that this affected him at least as much, for whatever twisted reasons.

I don't think it's twisted at all. You just want to know that it was as real to him as it was to you--once upon a time or even still.

So I have now shared with approximately 50 of my (not so) closest friends and colleagues from around the world that I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON AND MY H IS A FUCKTARD!!

OMG!!! Oh, incrisis. Wish I had been there to have a drink with you after that.

I just couldn't keep waiting around for H to pull his head out of his ass.

Don't be sorry. You did what you had to do. And it is encouraging in a weird way. Seeing anyone make it through all this mess--whether to R or to S/D--it's all good.

I really wanted to get to R but I knew I wouldn't get there that way.

No, can't get there that way. Never ever. Hugs.

I was asking for the whole ball of wax, or at least a shot at it. With OW and anyone else, WH claims that's not even an option.

He's scared. To be the whole ball of wax means being vulnerable. I don't think it's really easy for anyone. Some of us just keep our pants on while it's not easy. So sad, it's funny...

basically WH is choosing multiple women and lack of responsibility over me and his family. I can live with that, moreso than most of the other alternatives, and if that's his choice, he's not what we need or want anyway.

NO shit. Amen to that.

Good to hear from you incrisis. Take care.

Hugs from punky


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
rachiem
♀ Member
Member # 9925
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

Right now H is deployed with the military. He has been gone for 9 months and will be gone for 5 or so more months. We saw each other for two weeks in June, but he brought OW with him until he kicked her ass to the curb and we decided to R. We do try to talk as often as possible on the phone and online.


2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

We were not LD when the first A happened. Then yes, LD to the next one. Then once again, not LD when the 3rd and 4th happened. So yes and no to that one.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

I don't think that it ever really "normal" for a couple to spend more time in different countries than in the same one, but it is part of the job.

4. Do you have kids?

Yes, two boys and a girl.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I joined SI over a year ago after finding out about one A. It helped me through so much. I just did an internet search for saving a marriage after infidelity and it brought me to this site.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

The distance. The lack of communication that comes with the distance. You just have to accept on blind faith that the other person is being honest with you, and that is dreadfully hard. There is no way to really verify that you are getting the truth. Also, the lack of physical things. Not just the sex, but the being close to someone, getting a hug after having a long day. I think that the fights are worse because of it.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I thought we did. He said that he thought we didn't. I guess you don't ever really know.

8. Is anyone else in R, mostly long distance, and dealing with both parties having to have utmost truth in situations that are difficult at best to verify??

Uh, yeah. Most definitely. This is probably the most difficult part of the R process for me.


9. As much as it can be difficult that they travel and are away from home, do you ever find a sense of relief because it can give you some 'down time' as well?

The first day or two alone are nice. Then it just sucks.


So, how was that for a brief introduction of our R while LD?

We have both made enormous mistakes in our marriage. His infidelity led to our seperation. While we were seperated, I had several relationships. We have been to the rock bottom or our marriage. I am hoping that we can pull ourselves back up. I do love him tremendously.


It's ok to not be fine sometimes.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: Idaho
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome rachiem...

this thread isn't incredibly active, but the insights are always great.

I haven't been on in a while because work has been such a bitch lately. I've been working short-handed and can barely keep up.

Let's hear from everyone!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
leanne27
♀ Member
Member # 14415
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I've been a bit quiet lately as I have given the site details to WH and didn't want him to find my postings, but he probably has anyway.

things are going reasonably well, apart from the fact that he is thousands of miles away and doesn't seem to be heading towards an end to that scenario.

He has stopped all contact with OW. I actually believe it at the moment but I will nto be naive to fully trust him.

My IC said that in actual reality it is fifficult ot ever really trust someone, it is more important to trust in yourself and what you will do if you find yourself betrayed again. This is what I will hang onto, as with or without him I would find it difficult to trust any man.

He actually gave me his frequent flyer details and his bank account details so that I can transfer money when I want and not be at his whim.

Feeling miserable as I dropped a 7.5 kg log of wood on my big toe and it is broken in 6 places. Really letting me know how alone I am. Not supposed to walk on it, but when you live on your own there is not much choice.


me bs married 9 years
together 10 1/2

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: australia
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found webcam and messenger to be life savers for us!!! We leave our webcams on 24/7. He can watch me sleep and I watch him get ready for work. He was in egypt while I was in texas. Webcam 24/7 saveed my sanity. I KNEW there were no whores and I KNEW he was eating dinner in the hotel room.


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there

Well I hadn't posted on this thread since it started. My FWH had taken 5 months off work to stay at home so we could R. What can I say. It's worked and I love him all the more for it.

Ya, he's leaving again tomorrow but this time only for a few days. It's like he is breaking me in slowly. The next time he goes away will likely be back to the old shift of probably 21 days.

I never would've thought it possible. Him working away is what he does. He loves the money he makes which in turn gives him the ability to care for his family the way he wants to.

5 months off! I'm so very proud of him.

I have such a great hubby!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Please_B_Hope
New Member
Member # 16238
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

He's gone for work 8-24 months at a time. I try to fly/drive to see him once a month. We've gone as long as three months without seeing each other.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes, he said he was going through changes.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Yes, we've been LD for the past two years and i have another 5 or so more years of it.

4. Do you have kids?

No.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

My husband is a musician and was on tour. Three months before our wedding, he meet up with an old friend. Ended up making out with her and sleeping in the same bed (he claims that is as far as it went). Within a few days, I found out that he was still hanging out with her. When I found a picture of the two kissing in his email, i starting investigating more. i signed on his aim and she messages him asking if they were still going out for ice cream that night. I told her who i was and she claims that he never told her that he was engaged. months later when he was home, she continued to text him and refused to leave us alone that that we could move on and work out our relationship.
We did gone on with the wedding, but our relatiohship still struggles because of the distance. I joined when i found out that he was talking to a new woman online, his ex-girlfriend. It brought so many painful memories back.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Myself, because i struggle to let go of what happened in the past. And, that he doesn't understand how much he hurt me.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I thought things were great. I hated being so far apart for so long but i dealt with it the best i could. But after the affair he said he wasn't happy and that he felt that he couldn't be himself around me. He was my best friend who i could tell anything, but when it all happened, everything changed. I no longer knew who he was. It's still hard.


wedding date: 8/18/06
d-day: 5/3/06
long distance relationship since: 6/05

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Cincinnati, OH
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to check in with everyone. This thread doesn't get much activity anymore--kind of sad. I know we LDR'ers really really need the support!

I am coming up on my dday antiversary this weekend. Feeling really awful and very anxious. And my H might be coming to into town, too, which is always anxiety producing because it is not the norm and I never know if this will be the visit where everyting just completely goes down the tubes. Yikes.

Anyway, hi and big hugs to everyone. Incrisis--check in. Hope you are doing ok.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi punky,

Thanks for checking up on me.

I haven't been posting much lately as I'm solidly on the path to D, so there doesn't seem much point. I've been doing pretty good though.

H and I separated in July, then he moved from one coast to the other in August (and the kids and I live in the midwest, remember) for at least a year, which was pretty much the final nail. I finally got up the nerve to do more lawyer consults in September and retained someone almost two weeks ago now. She's currently revising my petition and then we have to finish working out the settlement agreement that H and I signed off on in July. Assuming he signs off on everything fairly easily, I hope to be D by the end of the month or close. Definitely by the end of the year, but I wanted to try to avoid the holiday season. My dday was also Oct31/Nov1 so a year seems good to start moving on.

All of that said, H sent me flowers at work a couple of weeks ago out of the blue and then "remorse dialed" me in the middle of the night last weekend. Apparently my BIL (sister's H) finally talked to him and he fessed up to BIL the basic elements of the story, and BIL said some things that seem to have hit home and brought H sniffing around me again. Not that I haven't been saying the same things the last year and more, but apparently it didn't matter much coming from me. Whatever. I more or less told H to grow up and get a clue, and that unless or until he ever does (and maybe still even then) that I was done riding the rollercoaster with him and wasn't going to have those sorts of talks anymore. Nor was it any of his business if I had a boyfriend or when was the last time I had sex.

I am a little on edge this week and just called a friend to vent this morning b/c my younger two kids seem to both be having some father-related issues the last day or so. I don't hate H because of the sitch with us--in fact I think he may have done me a huge favor--but I could end up hating him depending on how hard this is on the kids. They are usually fine and again he was already gone so much even before dday, but having an absentee father, M or not, is what seems to be taking a toll on them. Even if he didn't want to be M it was BS for him to continue staying so far away from his kids, kwim. I don't know, maybe it will turn out he did them a huge favor too, that is very possible, but when they have bad days it is just hard to take and not be blaming and resentful.

Also, on top of that, or possibly the underlying reason for that, is that H is coming to visit next week for the first time since the separation. I definitely think that is what part of my dd's anxiety is due to. I told the older two a little of H's issues (not believing in monogamy or wanting a traditional family, but not that he'd already acted on it) and they thought it was weird too. But they have not brought it up with him and don't really want to. So I know dd at least is worried if it will come up, will he be mad if they ask about it, etc.

His visit is timed to coincide with a busy time for me at work so we are also going to try having him stay at our house for the visit so he can handle the kids' schedules. I've very mixed feelings about that and have told him a couple of times in email that we need to talk about the ground rules before he comes, to make it as easy as possible for everyone, but he has studiously ignored that both times. Not a good sign...I just hope things go okay and that he does end up being more of a help than a hindrance, since I won't have time to deal with any BS from him.

Probably more than you wanted to know, punky, but you did ask.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey punky

I hope your weekend went okay.

Welcome to all the new people on the LDR forum too.

My apologizies for not posting on here often. My FWH hasn't been away too much lately. He took several months off to work on himself and us. It was his choice so it made it way more meaningful as well.

He did go away for work for a few days but that was it. He's working closer to home and gets to be at home with us every night which is so nice.

How has everyone else been holding up?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He took several months off to work on himself and us. It was his choice so it made it way more meaningful as well.

H will be home in a few months and I hope he does this on his own.

I am trying to enjoy life. I am doing things for me that I have wanted to do prior to putting my families needs before mine.



"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


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