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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My weekend actually went well. Dday antiversary was Sunday, but we kept busy with kids and activities and it wasn't too bad.

I did get pretty upset at one point, but it passed.

Thanks for the update incrisis...I'm ready to hear how the visit went (or is going...). Let us know.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
tulips
New Member
Member # 17304
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guy travels weekly and we have the weekends together. This arrangement suited me fine before D-day. Now I am struggling and going thru a period of punishing him I guess...when he comes home I act out and fight...hurting him and hurting him....and this is really affecting our R. Any experience with this...its like Im having a delayed anger thing. He says he doesn't think I will ever get over the hurt because I have been brining up the cheating often in fights.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2007
mommabear4
♀ Member
Member # 15047
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
1.He is gone 5 days a week and home 3 days most of the time. Sometime he is gone longer just depends on the job,
2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
No
3. Is being LD normal for you?
It has been off and on thru out our whole marriage .
4. Do you have kids?
Yes we have three kids.
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
The fact that he had PA and I need someone to talk to about it
6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?
The fact that he is gone all the time and it is had to talk to him. He has basicly gone back to the fact that very thing is normal and I need to just get pver it and move on,
7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?
I thought we did but I guess I was wrong,.


Me (BS) 31
Him (WS) 41
married 10
SLUTPUPPY 31
DDay 6/2/07
DDAY#2 8/17/07
Children S17, S9,& D3

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Ca
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in a while...sorry I missed you new guys.

tulips--If your d-day is recent, this "punishing" thing is pretty normal. It's just the anger and if it doesn't come out that way, it will come out in some other even less desirable way. Just hang in there. Things get better, you will be able to talk more about it without exploding.

And you will probably never get over it. It will get better, but I don't think it ever goes away.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
PiQue
♀ Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
We've maintained LD relationship in the past. Been LD 3 years this stretch. See each other roughly every other week for 3 to 5 days.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes

3. Is being LD normal for you?
With normal being relative? Yes
4. Do you have kids?
One his- grown, one mine- 18, one ours- 14.
I have two grown step-daughters I raised from my first marriage with whom I've remained close and am "Nana" to their children.
And 4 dogs who live with me, two of which are bonded to him.
One cat- lives with him.


5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
3 D-Days in 18 months


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what I hate???

Fussing with each other over the phone. Even if you say "sorry", it just doesn't really feel like you have made up! You can't touch, you can't see the other person's face.

Sometimes my connection with my husband just feels so tenuous. (Did I spell that right??? )


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm back in the LDR forum.

When hubby and I decided to R last year, I stopped posting in here because I just didn't feel it was right of me since he was at home.

But now, he is leaving again next Tuesday for work. He'll be gone 21 days.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm nutty. I'm logical. I'm just feeling really weird. Know what I mean?

Crap.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:11 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
irondave
♂ Member
Member # 17899
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know about R'ing in a long distance relationship but finding out in a long distance relationship is hard. My WW works as a tour manager, so spends weeks out the UK and this tour is a long one. I had the first DDay when she was home, met with denial, and then DDay came whilst she was working. I confronted her, perhaps inappropriate considering the distance but I reacted to my emotions.

Anyway I always trusted her, and whilst we're not really communicating currently(although she said she was continuing to contact OM) I doubt R will be something we'll be able to even consider. I would but I'm guessing she's not really bothered(the signs are she was preparing her exit and I ruined it by finding out about the A).

I'm kind of frustrated at the inactivity since DDay#2, I'm in limbo without been able to gauge her reaction and response to what we do about our future(if we have one?).If we do decide to R, and taking into account her A was an OEA with cybersex how do you manage NC within R on a distance relationship.


When you find strength in adversity you will get through this.

"To love is to suffer" - Terry Pratchett(in Mort)


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: United Kingdon
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((irondave))

I don't know how to manage NC from a distance. Even with providing passwords, etc... it is very hard.

I mostly gauge the sincerity in the time that my H and I can be together. His actions during those time make him being away a bit easier.

I know it is blind faith but it's all I have to go on.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blind faith is right! Sometimes that is all you have.

What I have learned to rely on is my EARS. There is actually a different tone of voice that my H had when he had gone NC. It was softer, gentler and when I heard it, I knew we were on the right track.

The defensiveness--gone for the most part, the anger--gone, the blaming--gone for the most part (old habits are hard to break ), all the things that threw up the red flags and worked up my gut.

But it's still hard. It's difficult to maintain the closeness necessary (emotional, physical, spiritual...) to have a thriving marriage.

My prayer is that a great opportunity doing what he loves falls out of the sky right here in our own backyard. Likely? Maybe not. But that doesn't stop me from hoping and praying. He is just missing so much. The kids will be grown and gone before we know it.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

punky...so true!

My hubby has been gone two days now and even though it's been over a year since his last time away from home, there is such a difference in his tone.

We've texted and talked like crazy over the last few days.

Something that I've managed to get alot of faith into (hopefully not stupidity ) is that he has done so much work on himself and in our M over this past year. I would be beyond blown away if he resorted to old ways. I think I would be completely stunned as I just would never understand it.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my husband and I were first married he traveled 5 days a week and was home on weekends. His job was eliminated and he was servicing accounts in our local area. That is when he met the MOW at a service location.

He retired from that job to get away from her stalking him, and now is traveling out of town 5 days a week again.

I don't know how I feel about that. He isn't working with her anymore, but he isn't here everyday either. He is mainly alone on this job, he drives truck and drops product, but not much regular contact with other women.

It was easier to discuss the A when he was here. It's hard over the phone. You can't see facial expressions to determine if what he is saying is truthful. I hate to save it all up for the weekend, because then he leaves for work depressed. It was easier when he was here...I think this has slowed down the R for me, even though he is trying very hard.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does slow down the R process to some extent.

Having said that, what I've found as time passes, the quality of time spent is very fined tuned. Probably because we know we have limited time to talk about things and we don't want it to be all negative with either of us being upset when we are apart.

It's hard for them to know what being left behind or alone at home feels like. We miss their presence and their company, even if it is tense.

On the other hand, I would never understand what it feels like to be away from home for so long missing my family and my home.

I asked my hubby once to give me an idea of the things that he truly misses when he is away from home. Much to my joy, he really surprised me with a very great list.

He also said one of his biggest fears is that one day I wouldn't want him to come home.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is afraid I will be able to survive nicely without him and when he is gone he is also afraid I won't want him to come home. I can survive without him, but I don't want to. I want him to continue to work on things at home and over the phone if necessary. But, I really hate serious OW questions over the phone, I don't want him to be a distracted driver. Long distance really sucks, but I'm glad he isn't around her anymore.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hollow)))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long distance definitely not only takes its toll on a regular relationship so the impact is much more on a betrayal tainted one. And it gets old that much faster, too because it is extremely difficult to reconcile as it is, much less over the phone or via email.

We're going to be doing that for the forseeable future tho unfortunately. Since he finally decided to fess up more of the real truth just a few wks ago, some significant process is being made.

How are you guys doing?


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was coming home tomorrow Thurs, but now it will be Friday. But I will be gone with my D to a weekend thing by the time he gets home!

We will get back Sunday night and he'll leave Tuesday. Crappy.

Anyhoo...think things are still going well.

Love to hear the updates from everyone.

Agree with unicorn that ldr is tough in the best of circumstances, so add in infidelity stuff and it is doubly (triple-y??? more???) hard.

Take care all.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey punky

My H is coming home today too. There isn't much to update...I'm just really happy we survived these last two weeks of LDR. He leaves again on Monday but I just want to enjoy the days he is home without having panic attacks about something that hasn't happenned yet. Know what I mean. I have a bad habit of that lately.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My hubby will be home tomorrow, he has had some equipment trouble so he will be delayed. He leave again on Monday, so we will have a short time together.

I don't worry excessively when he is gone, but I do trigger when certain things happen. When he first starting meeting his customers, he mentioned asking the receptionist if he could use the microwave in her lounge area.

Well...I freaked out. I told him I did not want him conversing with female work associates and having casual conversations with them. This is how his A started. You can't be friends with women. Ever! Period!

He said he understood my fears and would stop at truck lounges after his delivery. I believe him, but there is also that little nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

My overactive imagination usually calms down when he comes home.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello!!! How is everyone?


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
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