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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
punky
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Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The communication thing is tough. I would prefer us to have a phone conversation daily if possible. It doesn't have to be a long one, but just an opportunity for us to hear each other's voice and try to connect a bit.

He sent me an email the other day while I was at work. I really liked that. Would like more of that. Seems like it would be fairly easy--would be for me as I have email open constantly.

A few texts. He and the OW texted ALOT so it is a little triggery. BUT as long as she is gone, I'd do it to maintain communication.

He is not super difficult to reach if he is in the states. Occasionally he is out of country and wouldn't be able to reach him then.

I do have a special ringtone for him and have my ringer turned up soooo loud. When he calls, I always rush to pick up. Don't want to miss the calls. I will drop everything just to talk on the phone with him.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come 'on fellow long-distancers!!! We cannot let this thread die a premature death! I know I have MAJOR problems with our LDM that are probably shared. Surely we can share and learn and find our way through this together...

One trap that I have fallen into over the years is acting like I am strong and that the separation is "fine" when on the inside I am not fine at all! All my outward display of strength did was make my H feel that he wasn't really needed. When he really is.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
Lost Girl
♀ Member
Member # 13164
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great thread!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
My BF and I will be apart for the next 7 months. Up until now we have made sure we see each other at least every 30 days.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes - we have been in a LDR for the past 3.5 years.

3. Is being LD normal for you?
Yes, unfortunately.

4. Do you have kids?
I have a 17 year old DD who will be graduating from high school in June (the reason for being LD this long)

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
My BF had several online EA's with several women over the last two years. We are trying to R but the trust is so difficult to rebuild being 1,500 miles apart.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?
Not being able to trust him, not believing anything he tells me.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?
Definitely. We are each other's best friends and in some strange way I still feel we have a great relationship, with a HORRIBLE situation. If I didn't feel like our relationship was worth fighting for I wouldn't be going through all of this, I would just kick him to the curb!


Me (39) B
Him (43) W - EA's

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
imissmygirl
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Member # 8359
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize there were so many of us trying to reconcile in LDR's. This is great!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

Hopefully (fingers crossed) not much longer! She moved to a city 225 miles away due to careers - we have no kids, and are not married - so it made sense at the time. Her job after 2 years is not treating her the way its supposed to, and she can't get her masters in her field at the local universities - so we're hoping that the job she looks like she has lined up back here will pan out, and she can finish her masters back in town - along with being with me and her family.


2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes, we lived together for 2 years. The relationship was ok prior to her leaving, it had its issues - but nothing that I thought would cause the damage or choices that happened after she moved. In fact, I thought we were doing better than ever for about 3 months after we went LD. That's when my world fell apart.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Unfortunately, it seems to be a re-occurring pattern in my life. I've had 2 LD's prior to my current GF - and one of the reasons this relationship made me so happy is that it wasn't LD. The fact that this one wound up going LD was not something I expected or signed up for - but having been making do for the last 2 years now.

4. Do you have kids?
No

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I found SI while looking for any sort of answers randomly through google to help me try to make sense of the unsensible. According to her, the LD made her re-evaluate our relationship, and a slimeball OM tempted her enough to want to leave me. She originally did what she did as an exit affair - got scared, and backed off - not wanting to leave me, but was horribly addicted to those butterfly feelings of a new relationship. It was one of the darkest times of my young life that I've gone through yet.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Communication and distance. Rebuilding trust was especially hard after d-day cause I almost totally had to rely on her to tell me the truth about what was going on - and as you can imagine, it wasn't always the truth, or it was - but selectively filtered to appease me (in her eyes). Our relationship has always had to have better communication - its something we still are working on. Trust is pretty much there now, but I always thought that that part would have been so much easier to deal with not having been so far removed from one another.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I pretty much thought so. I've never had a woman in my life that I loved so completely as her. We had our ups and downs, and there were some underlying issues that should've been clearly addressed sooner - but we were doing pretty well before our relationship became LD.


The part I'm struggling with - is what to do with our relationship in the meantime. I should know in the next few days whether I will be moving her home at the end of May or not. I'm really hoping so, because we've been kind of put on hold as to how much we can grown in our relationship due to the LD. I'm really hoping that she does get the opportunity to move back home - because I think that will do wonders for us.

It will be an adjustment again though for sure. It was a huge adjustment in the beginning when she first moved away. But now I've become more independant - and I've been kind of liking it too. I eat when I want, I go out when I want. It's almost like being single - except for certain boundaries that I absolutely refuse to cross. Plus we see each other a few weekends a month - and I treasure those moments like nothing else. But I get my downtime to just relax - and not worry about doing each others' laundry, or fixing dinner. Seeing her more often will definitely be an adjustment, but I think the positives will far outweigh the negatives with her returning home.


Me, BS- 26
WS - 25
D-day: 9/11/05
not married...no kids...thank god!

Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Midwest
ohpuhlease
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Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you maintain communication during your spouse's absences?

Anything we can possibly think of. The kids and FWH have all started doing much more of this as well. It keeps him in the family loop a bit more and sometimes when they want something, I can say 'text your Dad and ask'. Yup...email, text, phone, msn, photo messaging.

I'm lucky as he is self employed so I normally don't have to wait that long for a reply. However, if there is email problems and I don't get a reply for a few hours, I've been known to have my share of anxiety attacks.

Also, I don't like having a pattern of communication. I mean like talking on the phone every second night. He's really good about keeping contact because he knows how important it is form me.

Actually, when he has a difficult time getting ahold of me, he has also been known to have an anxiety attack too . He told me a while back that he fears that I could be tired of this life with him at any time and be gone. I know it's not the haha kinda of funny but it is an ironic kind of funny.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad we're get some new people to the thread. Spread the word--if you read about someone who has an LDR, tell 'em about us here.

There are definitely special issues and it's nice to share!!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We will be apart close to 12 months.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

No

3. Is being LD normal for you?

It is now.

4. Do you have kids?

Yes

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

OWH contacted me and told me about the A. WH didn't know how to tell me even after OW forewarned him that she told her H. He didn't want to upset his home life because it was good.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

He still has a tendency of lieing about anything to get out of a confrontation. He is working on this. I am trying to be patient...

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

NO. He's had multiple EAs over the years and at least one PA to my knowledge. I found this out after the PA. We may have had a good relationship when he was hiding his scent to throw me off his trail. He was very attentive, helpful, etc...

Is anyone else in R, mostly long distance, and dealing with both parties having to have utmost truth in situations that are difficult at best to verify??

Sometimes he tells the truth somestimes he doesn't and I have finally figured out when he's lying. When I know he's not telling the truth I call him on it.

As much as it can be difficult that they travel and are away from home, do you ever find a sense of relief because it can give you some 'down time' as well?

I am enjoying the down time and he is learning a lot about himself during his down time.

How do you maintain communication during your spouse's absences?

My WH has the ability to call and/or email me everyday. I am part of his checklist. We talk about A stuff once a week, at my request. I do not want to talk about it everyday.

Is my WS afraid of coming home to an empty house?

Sometimes he wonders and sometimes he takes me for granted. I believe he is more worried about me emptying our bank accounts or having a secret stash.



"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
ro429
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Member # 13256
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so relieved to find this topic. I had posted previously about LDR and reconciling and was told that the relationship was not a priority if we continued to live apart. I was really discouraged by the post. And really, haven't come back since then.


I don't know what to believe anymore.

Married 17 years
2 Beautiful Teenage Daughters
Dday April 2006


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: TX
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an interesting article on a "commuter marriage", notice the stat on how many there are:

http://money.cnn.com/magazines/moneymag/moneymag_archive/2006/01/01/8365210/index.htm

Two Cities, Two Careers, Too Much?

When both of you are climbing the corporate ladder, you may have to live apart to get ahead. But making a commuter marriage work takes time & money.

By Cybele Weisser 1/06
(MONEY Magazine)

On a typical Monday morning, David Meyer wakes up at 4:45 a.m. in St. Louis & embarks on a seven-hour-plus commute to Providence. During a two-hour layover in Chicago, he grabs breakfast at McDonald's & catches up on academic papers. He won't see his wife, Judith Wangerin Meyer, until Friday, when he completes the trip back to Missouri.

The two have been happily married for 40 years, but for much of the time they live 1,200 miles apart: David is a tenured sociology professor at Brown University; Judith is the president of the Lutheran high school association in St. Louis. And neither plans to retire or change jobs anytime soon.

The Meyers, both 62, became long-distance spouses 5 years ago, when Judith was offered a job in St. Louis. Because it would have been nearly impossible for David to find as good a position as he had, they opted for the commute, despite the emotional & financial costs. The Meyers estimate that they spend $15,000 to $20,000 a year for travel & extra housing, which puts a strain even on their comfortable six-figure income.

"We've made sacrifices," says Judith. "But we decided it was important for both our careers to make this work."

One family, two homes: Think you couldn't find yourself living apart from your family, at least for a while? Think again.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 3.2 million married Americans (including military families) live in different homes, a 26% increase since 1999.

And it's often for good reason. Employers increasingly expect high-level workers to relocate, says Linda Stroh, a business school professor at Loyola University Chicago, who has studied commuter relationships & their effect on the family. Plus, a greater number of women with high-paying jobs, as well as a growth in late-in-life marriages, when both spouses are well entrenched in their careers, are increasing the likelihood of a temporary separation.

"Families today are often dependent on two healthy incomes, so losing one job can have a huge financial impact," says Stroh. "That means more couples are thinking, let's just try the commuter hat on for a while."

But being far away from your loved one can create a host of challenges, from fatigue to financial hardship. "This is an expensive way to live," says Jay Lebow, a clinical professor of psychology at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, who has seen an increase in the number of patients in commuter marriages over the past decade. "You have two homes, travel expenses--even if you are making a fair amount of money, the drain on cash is still considerable."

Fortunately, there are ways to minimize the financial damage, as well as the emotional strain.

Face Up to Higher Costs

The total expense of a commuter marriage can easily cause sticker shock, says Burlingame, Calif. financial planner Barbara Steinmetz, so create a budget before you take the job--and then look for ways to save. Housing is often the greatest sinkhole for long-distance couples, but depending on how many nights a week you spend apart, a hotel or short-term rental may be a cheaper alternative to two homes.

The Meyers, for example, found that having David stay in a bed & breakfast near the Brown campus was not only less expensive than paying monthly rent, but also eliminated the need for them to keep a car in Providence or furnish two homes.

Living apart can easily lead couples to blow their budget on smaller items as well, says Olivia Mellan, a Washington, D.C. therapist who specializes in family & money issues. "It's a stressful situation, & when people are under stress they have a tendency to overspend," she notes. Don't use retail therapy to fight loneliness or anxiety, filling your closet with extra clothes & eating nothing but takeout.

Do allow yourself extra cash for a second set of toiletries, a set number of on-the-go restaurant meals--or a periodic splurge to keep your marriage healthy. "The ultimate goal is to have a meaningful relationship," says Alison Piepmeier, 32, a college professor in Charleston, S.C. whose husband, Walter Biffle, 37, is studying for a fine arts graduate degree in New Bedford, Mass. "If that means we aren't always frugal, so be it."

Ask Your Boss to Share the Tab

Workers often assume that their company won't be sympathetic to a commuter arrangement, but employers are frequently willing to pitch in, says Dan McLaughlin, an executive recruiter in Seattle. You're more likely to get a deal if the company has requested that you transfer, but even if you're accepting a new job, it's worth asking before you sign on. "Tell them allowing you to visit your family frequently is the best way for them to make you happy," says McLaughlin.

Companies are most likely to cover travel expenses, but they may also be willing to pay for some housing costs. That was the deal that attorney Amy Krallman, 39, struck when she was recruited three years ago for her current job as a vice president & corporate counsel for a financial services company. Her boss pays for weekly flights home to Long Beach, Calif. to see her husband Stephen, 40, an accountant, & for corporate apartments in both Philadelphia & Portland, Ore., between which she splits her time during the week. "I have to maintain three sets of wardrobes, toiletries & cosmetics, but otherwise there isn't a big financial impact on the relationship," says Krallman.

Master the Mileage Game

Most airlines offer discounts if you buy a block of tickets well in advance, so book as far ahead as you can, & stick to one airline to maximize frequent-flier miles. You should keep enough miles "in the bank" to avoid paying exorbitant prices for a last-minute ticket. David Meyer, a Southwest loyalist, pays extra for two separate tickets (one from St. Louis to Chicago, the other from Chicago to Providence), because adding a leg to each trip lets him accrue free tickets faster.

Make Time for Your Money

Money management can become a big headache in a commuter marriage because each partner doesn't always know what the other is doing. Some couples find it easier to keep money in separate bank accounts & pay bills on their own; others prefer to make one person largely responsible for everyday finances. Either way, "agree ahead of time who is going to pay for what, or get at least 90% of the bills to go out automatically," suggests St. Louis financial planner M. Eileen Dorsey.

Online banking gives both spouses easy access to the family money. (Technology, of course, can be your secret weapon in a commuter marriage. Piepmeier, for instance, keeps an online blog with her husband. "I log on every day to see if Walter's posted something, & he does the same," she says. "It's a fun way to have a conversation that includes our friends & family.")

Faced with higher expenses & a constant lack of time, it's easy for long-distance couples to forget about long-term planning. Therapist Mellan recommends having a formal sit-down no less than once a month to discuss short- & long-term goals, as well as to make sure you are staying within your budget. "In this situation it won't happen spontaneously," she notes.

Sign up for automatic investing in your 401(k) or IRA & contribute as much as you can. After all, if you've spent many of your working years apart from your spouse, you'll eventually want to retire in the same place. Even dedicated commuters like the Meyers are looking forward to the day when they can both settle in the same city. In the meantime, they have no immediate plans to return to a more traditional arrangement. "I love my job," says Judith. David agrees. "It's a balance of career & marriage. I love my wife, & we do what we have to do."



11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess what? I have another question. Surprise

How has being independent of your spouse for lengths of time changed you as a person?

I know we all need to become more self reliant and resourceful, but what other qualities do you find the independence has given you that you would not have normally developed?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attitude has changed. I am not easily accessible to him. I do things on my terms. I am enjoying doing the maintenance around the house. I am going to have a party with just my friends. I do not cook on a regular basis anymore. It's all about me and what makes me happy.

We are going to bump heads when he comes back.

I have learned that if I do not take care of myself then no one else will.

I normally gave of myself freely to help others. Now, everyone is on the backburner until further notice.

[This message edited by letting_go at 4:36 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so relieved to find this topic. I had posted previously about LDR and reconciling and was told that the relationship was not a priority if we continued to live apart. I was really discouraged by the post.

Ro--I am so sorry that you got that type of reply. There are lots of us LD'ers. We just try to make it through the best we can, you know?


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ro. That is shameful that someone told you that. I'm so sorry. I hope you now know that it's not true.

Life circumstances may not be ideal. One S may have to work away but that doesn't mean the M or R is not a priority. My FWH has worked away from home for a long time and I travel alot too. If anyone were to tell me that in the time I travel, that my M or R was not a priority, I think I'd have to tell them they have a very narrow mind.

We work with what we got. Anything is possible. It's not easy but it is doable.

I know I've become much more independent. I enjoy my time alone to the fullest which is not at all what I used to do. I've found some things for pure distraction and out of that, I've actually stuck with a few things I never thought I would do.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
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Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How has being independent of your spouse for lengths of time changed you as a person?

I know we all need to become more self reliant and resourceful, but what other qualities do you find the independence has given you that you would not have normally developed?

Being independent of him for lengths of time is the only thing getting me through this right now, I think. Both the fact that the A behavior all happened away from me and that during that time, I was becoming more self-reliant even without knowing how much I would need that strength down the road. Right now I think that in many ways the time apart is more harmful than helpful, but we still seem to have a lot of dust settling so maybe not.

How have I changed?

I am more confident in my own judgment and wisdom.

I have a greater appreciation for being alone without being lonely.

I have my own friends locally, not just long distance friends from childhood and college.

I have more of an identity of my own besides just that of H's wife or my kids' mom, though this could still grow.

I think I am more empathetic and more aware of social issues. I have less free time but feel the need to do more, if that makes sense. When your nuclear world is hunky-dory it's very easy to become completely absorbed in it and think other things are not your problem.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, that said...I need help.

What boundaries did you guys put in place for your R or M while long-distance? I think I have been very remiss. I knew H hadn't gone completely NC with his primary AP but let it slide because we didn't really know what we were doing yet, she is halfway around the world, and I guess I wanted to see what H would do as far as trying to make this work without me having to go warden on his ass.

Well, come to find out yesterday (from her, not from him) that the "mostly" NC I thought was in place is more of an "off and on" NC. It could be argued as semantics but I'm not okay with it anymore regardless. I know I should have put my foot down on that up front but I didn't for whatever reasons. Since we are recently thinking that we will head towards R I now feel the need to insist on more definite boundaries since I'm not comfortable with his.

What are your boundaries for R and/or post-A dealbreakers? This is what I'm thinking I need from him:

-No contact with any OW
-Let me know whenever there is contact or attempts at such and what was discussed
-Daily phone communication; email and text only in addition to, not instead of
-Find a longterm/permanent job in a location that enables us to live as a family by September, and absolutely no later than the end of the year
-No more lies; full honesty and openness; let me verify as needed without objection or anger
-Answer all my questions
-Tell me you love me every day
-Act loving to me in private and in public
-MC
-Do whatever is needed (IC, if necessary) to work through your issues and how to avoid this ever happening again

What do you think? Too little? Too much? Are there any LD-specific things that you insisted upon?

I really don't want to be "punitive." I'm not to that point yet and honestly, if I get there, it means the relationship has been further eroded to a point that may not be worth it to bother. But I don't want to shoot myself in the foot before we even get started either.

[This message edited by incrisis at 1:22 PM, April 13th (Friday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-No contact with any OW
-Let me know whenever there is contact or attempts at such and what was discussed
-Daily phone communication; email and text only in addition to, not instead of
-Find a longterm/permanent job in a location that enables us to live as a family by September, and absolutely no later than the end of the year
-No more lies; full honesty and openness; let me verify as needed without objection or anger
-Answer all my questions
-Tell me you love me every day
-Act loving to me in private and in public
-MC
-Do whatever is needed (IC, if necessary) to work through your issues and how to avoid this ever happening again

This is a beautiful list and very well thought out. It's exactly like mine .

The only thing that is missing from your list that is on mine is the 'days off' piece.

At least every other time he is home, we try to go away and have some fun. It gives us both something new and exciting to plan together and to talk about that is not A related. This is a great little distraction thing to do because the opportunities are endless...going away to a hotel...going fishing...hiking in the mountains...

The thing is that I want 'quality' time when he's home. I don't want to sit there and say 'So now what do you want to do.'

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 11:42 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

incrisis--I really like the question about boundaries for R. I set a boundary/ultimatum for me not filing! It was, of course, absolute NC. But I definitely need to have some rules for R, as he will have some or should have some, too.

I like your list and will use it as a springboard to help me come up with my list! So, thanks!

One thing that I am coming to realize, though, is that I really can't do this LDM thing much longer. It's been about 16 years and it's taken its toll and it's not pretty. I'm in a tough place today and need some support.

I need time with my H and am not getting it.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Punky... Oh man do I know what you're saying. It's been good spending time with him on his days off but it almost feels like it's just pieces...the whole relationship or marriage picture isn't there. Geez!

I have been struggling with that very same thing. Here is where I get stuck, hit a road block and just say 'I give up.'

This is FWH job. It's what he does and he makes great $ at it. This is extremely important to him to retire early and be able to help our kids with their first home, etc... It has always been important to him for us to never have any financial worries unlike when he was growing up. So this is something that is so DEEPLY engrained in him, that there is no way he could change. If he did stop, I know he would be miserable and I would never ask him to put all of that aside. I don't want him to be home and to be miserable.

On the hand, this is so NOT the life I imagined of growing old with someone. Our kids are older, they have other interests and I'm bored. I have lots of friends but it's either a couples thing, or my single friends which, at times, are way more depressing to be around.

I hate being stuck in limbo land. FWH has told me it'll be about 5 more years of doing this. Can I stick it out? I honestly don't know. I wish and pray that I did.

Hugs to you, I know exactly where your head and heart are at.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, ohpulease...

H's coming home tomorrow. Sometimes I get in a funk right before he comes home. I am happy on the one hand, but on the other, it just reminds me of what I don't have MOST OF THE REST OF THE TIME!

Totally get the "pieces" of time remark. I am tired of the crumbs and just want the whole loaf of bread!

Am glad you guys are here. So hard for others to understand...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's job is also one that is fulfilling to him and he does very well financially. Unfortunately, we are not together often enough to come to mutual agreement on money stuff, so we're not really seeing the benefit of the income either! So, it's a double edged sword for me: he's gone because of the $, but the $ isn't helping in so many ways!

One option would be for the kids and I to move to where he is. It is about 4-5 times more expensive than where we are now, would uproot kids in the middle of friends, school, activities, would entail me selling my portion of a business that I own with another woman--it's crazy. If we do this, the sacrifices would be on the heads of me and the kids. Not him. And do I want to do this if I am not sure he even wants us? What a mess.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
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