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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband hates that he is traveling all the time now. He knows that this is slowing our progress, and he wishes he could be here for me. I am a little scared here by myself, because the MOW is still lurking in the shadows, and she would like me dead. I wish I could sell the house and move to a place she can't find me, but the market is lousy right now. Him being gone just ramps up my paranoia
about what she might do. Crazy huh? I am glad there is this place for this type of problem. At least he will be home for a day and a half tomorrow.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep...this is the place! Welcome to the LDR thread.

How often do you get to see your H?


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is gone M-F one week then he gets 4 days off and then he is gone for 4 days and gets 1 and half days off. He does this schedule every other week. He is only doing this because our house didn't sell; I hate this housing market right now. I feel trapped here and I wish she didn't know where we live. He can get a lower paying local job if we ever manage to sell the house. I can always hope and pray for that. My one year anti-versary is March 21 and I am very depressed right now. I have even had thoughts of suicide and I haven't done that since the very beginning. I hope this gets better after the day passes. Today, March 14 is the day he told her to F-off and leave him alone. She likes to make contact on her special days so it's like waiting fort the other shoe to drop. I really am glad that SI is here, it really saved my life and probably my marriage.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
brasco
♀ New Member
Member # 18631
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, I hadn't seen this one and posted a thread about this earlier.

Anyhoo, my boyfriend and I currently live about fifteen minutes apart and spend time together maybe 4-5 days a week. We've been together a little over a year and his ONS happened last July.

I'm leaving in mid-June for summer school in Norway immediately followed by fall semester in France, so I will be gone for a total of six months. R has been going relatively well so far but I have never had a LDR so I already have no idea how to approach this. Rebuilding trust and keeping this relationship healthy just sounds impossible when we will be 5000 miles apart. He tells me he is afraid I will cheat on him and while I try to assure him that I have tunnel vision when it comes to him, they are just words. He also tells me that he's afraid I will constantly be afraid that he's cheating on me again.

We've agreed to exchange emails, texts, even letters, and set up webcams for skype, but are there any other little things we can do for each other to show our dedication to this relationship?


Take a look around
At all the lights and sounds.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: San Diego
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH is gone now for 5 days and this is the one year anti-versary of the A this week. I really don't know how I am going to get through the week. This is the first time I have felt suicidal in a very long time. It seems so hopeless and I am too broken to fix. People have said it will get better, I just hope I can hang in there for it to happen. His travel is slowing down my progress.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
Sicofitall
♀ Member
Member # 18508
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I certainly can relate...I think.

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

I now live 800 miles from where he lives and works. We don't see each other on any regular basis. I've told him that this situation can not continue. I need companionship, not just phone calls and e-mails.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

No. We lived together he was just never home. He used work and travel as excuses when he was actually with his employee/OW. It turns out he was with her almost all the time, work and pleasure.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Absolutely not. He has always done a fair amount of traveling with his job, but that didn't bother me. I always knew I would see him soon. Now? Who knows.

4. Do you have kids?

Yes, two adult sons. One on his own, also long distance, the other in College close to me.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

WH had a long term affair with employee/co-worker. Three weeks of MC and WH said he didn't want to be in any relationship and couldn't live with me and the "constant inspection" anymore.
I moved back close to family thinking that was it. He supposedly had a change of mind shortly after I bought a house here. We took turns going back and forth for awhile. Then a surprise visit led to my discovery that he wasn't by himself at all! He never left the OW. He was cake eating BIGTIME!
I haven't been back since but OW left him when she found out he's a lying, cheating, bastard (DUH! What did you think he was doing to me with you stupid!)

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Distance and his state of mind. He thinks he wants to be free, but he's afraid of losing his family and says he does still love me.
He won't do anything permanent until he "finds" himself.
Wants to keep what we have until then. We have a mediator and I've signed all of the necessary paperwork. So, the balls in his court, so to speak.
Tried 180 and it worked so well he hopped on a plane and came to see me because he couldn't live "like this" anymore, worrying about me all the time.
Now we're right back where we started. Limbo.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

I thought so. I certainly did everything in my power to make him happy. Problem is I didn't demand the same from him. MC pointed out that I was much more invested in the marriage because I had put all the work into it. I guess that was pretty stupid of me but I didn't know any better. That's the way my parents marriage was and they are still together today.

[This message edited by Sicofitall at 4:11 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BW (me)52
WH 53
Maried 31yrs
Together 36yrs
DS's 24 & 29

DD 6/28/07
SD 8/29/07
2nd DD 1/13/08
DD #3 9/21/08


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Smack dab in the middle
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, the bad anti-versary days are past and I am still alive. It was a very bad week and I was alone for most of it. It seems so hard to stay alive for this mess. What is the point any way? He says all of the right things, but I can't forget that he made the choice to put me in this mess and how can I forgive that? If your husband loves you...why risk it all? He can't give me the answers I need because he doesn't know. I keep telling him that I am waiting for the right words to help me heal, but when you are talking on the cell phone, with bad reception, it only makes things worse.

I am less suicidal than last week, but not very optimistic that I can overcome this deep despair that I am in.

I am going to go with him next week and see if that will help. Maybe more "face time" is what I need right now.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am waiting for the right words to help me heal, but when you are talking on the cell phone, with bad reception, it only makes things worse.

Ain't that the truth.

I just had a melt-down last night. I am sick and fucking tired of being lonely. I've had a LDM for 16 years--SIXTEEN YEARS! The kids used to keep me company and kind of "salved" over my loneliness, but they are getting older and would rather be with friends than me any day.

I just feel like I have no one. And I am tired of it. When he is here, it's great. But it's just not often enough.

I feel like I've been cheated in more ways than one. I never did get the partnership and companionship that I was seeking. Will I ever have it?


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Punky

I know what you mean about the loneliness when FWH is away. Both of my kids are grown up and live in their own homes now. They don't know about the A so I can't talk to them about why I feel so lonely and nervous. They also don't know that I have been suicidal and that I am still struggling with staying in this world. I think I stay for them, but the pain is too much to bear day to day. Some days I feel better and wonder why I felt I couldn't make it, but the bad days out number the good lately.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind reply hollowpromises...

I've been off SI for a couple of weeks because I've had a bunch of stuff going on in my real life!

I am worried about you. Are you in counseling? How far away do your kids live from you? Would you ever talk to them about it?

Please let me know how you are doing.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
mjdn1213
♂ New Member
Member # 19271
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We'll be apart until I can get a job where she is at. Which will hopefully be no later than fall.
We see eachother at least once/ month. A happened when we didn't see eachother in Jan/Feb, but her feelings had been building since fall 07

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes, but we weren't as emotionally attached as we should have been before she moved.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Only since Aug. 07, and I've hated every fucking day of it.

4. Do you have kids?

No

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

She moved to VA. to pursue a phd in August 07, I had a good job, with benefits, and wanted her to have health care, so I've been looking for an equal job down there since she moved. Another guy moved in on her, undercut me, she became convinced that we were doomed, so she let her feelings for him get out of control. She kissed him, had alot of guilt, confessed in Feb, reconciling since. We both want it to work, but I have too much pain and don't want to constantly remind her of her guilt, so I came her to rant, read and reflect.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Location, location, location. We are reconciling, but it is slow. She sometimes wants to let me go so she won't cause me any more pain. Every day is a new day.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

In retrospect, we were artificially happy. I have always loved her, but we treated eachother like roommate's with benefits more than as husband and wife. I guarantee she never would have strayed if not for the LD, but we would have had a late in life divorce. At least now, we can decide while we are still young.


D-Day- 2/27/08
D-Day 2- 8/12/08
Married 5 years, together 7
BS- me- 28
WS- stbx- 31
Meh, i give up

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Williamsburg, VA
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mjdn...this thread isn't terribly active, but you can get good support from folks who walk in your shoes...

Which is very helpful.

My H will be in town (funny, I think of him being home as him "visiting") next week. Everyone cross your fingers for a nice visit and no meltdowns!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

punky,

Well I am still here and now that the stressful d-days are over I am not nearly as depressed. I am in IC and also doing EMDR for PTSD. I am on AD's anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills. Plus I have high blood pressure due to the stress and I am on meds for that.

The distance is a huge factor in the stalling of my progress. I need him in front of me so that I can see his eyes when he answers my questions. It is easier to deceive on the cell phone. I don't have a reason to believe he is lying, but looking someone in the eyes makes it a little more difficult.

I haven't felt suicidal for about 2 weeks now. I truly never thought I could feel a little better, but I do. I have a new grandson who was born on June 8, and he is my reason for living right now. I look forward to the days I can see him and connect with him. I did tell my daughter about the A, because she was suspicious regarding my behavior. It helped to let her know, I don't have to put on the act all of the time now when I just can't do it.

She is really angry with him for doing this to me, and she just started talking to him in the last few weeks. She has not forgiven him, but then I haven't either.

Thanks for the PM's, I really appreciate your interest.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hollow-promise:
Just saw your last post! And I am soooo glad that things are getting a bit better.

Let us all know how the EMDR goes. I've heard about it, but would like to know more about the procedure and how it may or may not help.

Big hugs to all of us in this shitty situation!!!! Long distance stinks!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Punky,
I think that EMDR has been a big help with my PTSD. It doesn't stop you from remembering the A but it moves the memory into the long term area so that you don't have panic attacks when triggers come up. I still have a long way to go.

I am up at the cabin this week for a few days alone. FWH is over the road until Friday and then he will join me. This has been a big trigger for me, because he started his A right after we bought this place. And, he called me her name during sex in that bed. I have wanted to sell it, but my IC wants me to try to work through it. The first day was hard. Crying, anger, accusations, etc. The second day was much better, and on the 5th day I am doing very well on my own up here. I think that EMDR has helped with that, but facing the trigger has been good for me.

My FWH is trying very hard to make things right between us and has never refused to accept blame for what he did to the marriage. It is a long road to reconciliation, but at least I am on the "right" road now. I still hate that he is gone, but we hope we can change that in the future. If you want more info on EMDR pm me.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone have a good 4th!!!

Hollow promises--I have some basic info on EMDR--just wanted to know if it has helped!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this for devastated08.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
devastated08
♀ New Member
Member # 20106
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks punky


BS 48
H 46
M 25 yrs, 10 mos 21 days
2 Daughters - one graduated from college in Dec 07 & one graduated from HS 6/6/08
DDay - 6/27-6/29

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've really been neglecting this thread! Hope everyone is doing ok. Just checking in.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
real mad
♀ New Member
Member # 20727
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you be sure if what your H is saying to you is true if you cant read his facial expressions? I found out "for sure" about his affair/affairs after he had left the country. I had asked him a million times before, and never got anywhere. However, once he was gone, he decided to man up a bit. He has only been home twice since I found out. The first time it was like a huge elephant in the room. We never talked about it. The second time he was home, we, well, really, I talked about it a bit. I thought maybe he should know how he made me feel. How devistated I was/am. How there was this over whelming urge to just go to sleep & never wake up again. I feel like since he wasnt here to go thru the emotions with me, he doesnt get it.
I think we are reconciling. But who knows. He gets balled up & doesnt want to talk about it. I dont want to argue with him over the net. I tell him I wont ask any more questions. We talk everyday about random "normal" stuff. Sometimes I want to reach thru the computer & shake him. I want him to know that there are things that trigger my flipping out. And, that I am flipping out. But, instead, i just keep typing, and sometimes crying my eyes out & he has no idea.
Anybody have any input???

Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: USA
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