I totally understand what you mean about not seeing the facial expressions and not being sure that they understand the DEPTH of what you are going through. I still struggle with this 2 years after dday.
Don't really have any advice for you. Just try to keep it together when he is around--I know that is easier said than done, though. I used to have to take a Xanax when he came home--just to calm down enough to be able to even show my face and deal with the elephant in the living room! I had some god awful meltdowns...
Just know you aren't alone. I totally understand.
1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
I matched in Los Angeles in June (a medicine thing), but he is still in Philly. We agreed he would follow soon once he found a job. Along the way, D-Day happened, and now everything is up in the air.
2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes, although he has had a flirting problem in the past and can't be certain something was going on before (although when we lived together, he usually came straight home from work or karate so little opportunity)
3. Is being LD normal for you?
Yes and no. We were long distance 3K miles when we first started dating, then 150 miles for 2yrs while we were dating, but inseparable for the last 5 and first time we were apart for more than 2wks since we married.
4. Do you have kids?
5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
He started off with flirting, and a woman sent him naked pics, and I had a FIT. Recently, he flew a woman he'd been flirting with out to Philly, I called her and she says they slept together, he says he stopped it just before it got to that point.
6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
Well, he's 3K miles away, hard to monitor! And not sure I want to. Plus he is so ashamed per him that he can't even talk openly to me unless it's on chat.
7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
God, our marriage seemed really great. Yes, we occasionally fought over women fawning over him and his occasional flirtatious response to them, as well as my work, but mainly we just loved to talk and cuddle and make love. He would always tell me how happy he is, and told everyone who would listen as much. I felt we were happy because we were soulmates. So much so, that I saw his insecurity leading towards an affair, but couldn't figure out a way to stop it.
I don't know whether we can R, not sure if I want to, just trying to talk and understand and read through "Infidelity" by Lusterman.
Well, he's 3K miles away, hard to monitor!
Yep, that's huge!
Love your tagline. My husband, right after I found out what was going on, tried to sell me on open marriage--he pointed out that French and Italian women let their husbands have mistresses. Bullshit. They might let it happen, but it doesn't mean they should or are happy about it!
Is it somehow more acceptable that they cheated long distance?
and a more important question; he asked me to put my demands on the table for R. I can demand he move out here before R begins, but do I let him move in with me? When you have separate household already it makes divorce so much easier! At the same time it seems crazy to ask him to move into his own place cross country in order to R. Anybody done this?
I think on the moving back issue you might have to take a leap of faith. I don't think it's fair to have him move into a separate place when he gets back to R.
If you are sure that he is showing the right actions and not just saying the words, go for it.
It is NOT for the faint of heart. There are times when I just want to say "I'm done. I need a partner that will be here all the time." Then there are other times that I cherish my space.
I am probably not the right person to give anyone advice on LDM. Barely making it myself sometimes!
But know that it is possible. Know that lots of folks do it. But it's HARD.
[This message edited by punky at 8:42 PM, November 7th (Friday)]
It sucks cause I really love him despite all this. And he keeps hinting he bought me something from Tiffany's - really? What could it be? Somehow thoughts of that (and his so far unwavering committment to R from the beginning) pushes some of the bad thoughts out.
Either that or I am a conflict avoider.
Maybe a little of both?
Occasionally he will say something that will make me think he might start looking for work here. But with the job market the way it is...who knows?
I do think unwavering commitment to R from the beginning sounds great!!!! wish I had had that!
I am the kind of person who doesn't really like to keep my "dog" on a short leash, and the idea of watching him all the time sucks, as does the idea of wondering. So I just don't know what to do. He's trying to come back again next week, and refreshing his resume to find work out here, but what if I don't want him to come? so confused!
There is a retrouvaille weekend i January when I have off for a while, we are supposed go. Seems ideal MC for long distance people, eh? I'm not even feeling like going now but maybe I will force myself.
My husband will be in town on Tuesday. He actually gets to stay a while this time!
In about 4 weeks SO and I will be long distance - I am moving back home and due to the economy SO hasnt been able to find a job in my home state yet. He will move when he gets one which he hopes is before I leave but we will see.
Anyway, since we will be continuing R long distance, what can we do? what tips do you guys have for making sure they arent up to any good?
"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson
I've become very attuned to the tone of my husband's voice. When he was involved, he sounded different when we spoke on the phone. Always defensive, quick to anger, impatient. It's different now. He also calls more often than before.
On the plus side--when you aren't physically in the same place and you do your communicating via phone, I find that I have more courage to say things that need to be said and ask the questions that need to be asked.
Also--if we were together all the time, I think we wouldn't make the most of our time--does that make any sense? I feel that our time together has become more precious at this point. And that has been a good thing.
Best of luck to you guys. Let's try to keep this thread alive!
I am excited for our marriage but also nervous. One minute I love him, the other I can't stand him and am sure he's lying - what if he comes all the way out here and --per the rollercoaster-- I don't want him anymore??? Any advice?
As crazy as this sounds, can you try to separate your a-related feelings (rollercoaster) from your permanent feelings for your SO?
Best of luck with the job search. Best wishes to you both.