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Newest Member: Cryingforhelp (43146)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and also made him realize what he stood to lose

So true.

Ater a long while in R, I think H and I realized that good quality home time is so very important too.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello!

Sorry I've been away for so long. Glad to see a few new faces on this poor neglected thread.

We are still ld. Of course. In January, he finally started to talk about the elephant in the room and I got a really sincere apology. I still don't know if we will reconcile successfully or just give up. Hope this doesn't scare any of you off. I think it can work. I just think we've been apart for maybe too long to recover.

Take care. Let's keep posting.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11293 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fellow LD'ers

I am a LD'er also, that is how this damn thing happened.

3000 miles, I was lonely too but I didn't stray.

FWS is closer now, under 300 miles now so we are working on R. The thing that kills me is, the EA started before he moved back east, both physical encounters happened after he moved back east.

I still wonder if he moved back for me and the kids or to be closer to her.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5136 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. Welcome to the thread that no one posts to!

Well, I try to check in every once in a while. I think I hold the title here for longest (in time) LDM.

It's a tricky situation. I wish you luck goodwitch!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11293 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

I work in the mid-east and get home 3 times a year on 3 week trips each time. The contract ends in July 2010 and we are not planning on renewing it at this time. Have to get home to work on my marriage.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes. I had been here for 5 months when I emailed my high school sweetheart... first letter was polite and innocent but within a week, we were stupid in love and the EA continued for 7 months. Which was 6 months and 29 days too long!

3. Is being LD normal for you?

This was my fourth contract overseas within eh past 15 years. No other issues, no other problems. In fact, each trip home was like a honey moon. We thought this was going to be the same as before.

4. Do you have kids?

4 children Ė 2 in university, one working and the other in the military.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I am the WS. I am looking at things that will help me in my reconciliation efforts with my BS. I had tied to close the relationship earlier but failed. When confronted, I started NC on day one and have started R from day one. We are following a Reconciliation manual and exchanging emails and chats and Skype on a day to day basis.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

The distance is not helping at all. Hard to reach out and hug someone from over here. I have some issues to resolve about the Lost Love relationship and itís impossible to attend to IC or MC from over here. My BS is starting IC and we are sharing all of our resources. Thank god for the internet and SI. My BS is hanging in there and we are both committed.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Both of us thought so. The BS now wonders if we were not both practicing conflict avoidance and whether I had ever resolved the Lost Love relationship before we got married. This affair came out of the blue for me and I stil don't have my head wrapped around how it happened and why. But I am working on that.

In the meantime, since we can not hug or provide any physical comfort, what else can I do but keep repeating that I am sorry or that I will do whatever it takes to rebuild her trust?

From a BS's POV, what special thing can I do from my LDR to show that I truely understand the pain?

Any advice is much appreaciated.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3217 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When trying to repair a relationship that has now become long distance, does online counselling work beings we can't be together. We desperatly need counselling.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh I am not sure if I belong in this thread! But SO and I are doing long distance, we broke up for a while and now we are back on. Doing it LD *scream*

How the HELL do you shake the feeling of insecurity? I cant stand it. We are doing the best we can in terms of accessing emails, phone bills, facebook, keeping in contact, etc but I cant help it. To be honest, even without our history I wouldn't have been keen on a LDR because of the lack of physical contact but this is driving me insane!

So what can I do to get rid of this awful knot in my stomach?


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you really fix your marriage when you are so far apart?

It is very difficult for us (plus WH continues to lie about his behavior--drinking and according to him "womanizing") He won't admit to anything unless I have proof and proof is hard to get when you are so far away


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The knot never really goes away. It just gets smaller.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11293 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have discussed R but really how can you R when there is so much distance.

Plus he continues to lie.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to join....Hi everyone!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We have lived 2000+ miles apart since May 2009 and are working to be able to afford to move the kids and I to live with FWH.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

No. The PA began in Dec 2007 at a friend's home 50 miles from our home following a binge drinking session. MOW was visiting from way out of town, so it only happened a total of 4 times. I was pregnant with our second and nursing our first at the time.

They got caught because they emailed/texted about how hot their sex had been on and off up until July 2009, when I saw the emails in my husband's account while confirming a credit card had been paid. At that point, the emails had turned platonic because MOW had emailed that she loved my husband and he didn't feel the same way and drop kicked her big time (at least I have evidence of that).

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Not during our M, but while dating and engaged, FWH was deployed three times for 7 months-15 months at a time, so we know the drill.

4. Do you have kids?

2 a daughter who is 1 and a son who is 2.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I was in desperate need of support as my world crumbled around me. The MOW was a "friend" and the double betrayal made me question everything.

My FWH had a very rough few years due to many of his issues dealing untreated combat PTSD that had heavily impacted our ability to communicate.

My family never wanted him to begin with and completely cut contact with me when they heard of the A. This included my sister abruptly firing me from my only means of income, causing huge financial hardship. It's been a rough 4 1/2 months.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

The distance isn't helping but my willingness to commit to R is a huge barrier. I feel like I have given a whole lot already and was "rewarded" for my good behavior by being on the short end of the stick in this A. While they were having their PA, I was 8 months pregnant, full time nursing an 11 month old, working 12 hour days with a 3 hour round trip commute and doing all of the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. When he wasn't talking or texting with MOW, he spent thousands of dollars on internet porn and as soon as I walked in the door from work, he would hand me our 11 month old, shower and go out drinking until 5 in the morning, just in time for me to leave to go back to work.
While blameshifting when I found out, he claimed I abandoned him by going to work every day. WOW, so I caused this?

All the while, I loved him and tried to make life comfortable so he could work out his troubles. So, as you can see, I have a lot to sort through and the distance isn't helping.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Lack of real communication and honesty on his part were bigger issues than I knew at the time.
His drinking and distance from me became so much worse after he had the A, truly he felt and acted guilty but was waiting for the right time to tell me.
So many things were happening that I didn't realize, I feel like a huge idiot and will never trust that way again.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
painfullyhopeful
♀ New Member
Member # 26505
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is in the Army. He is gone all the time. This is how he was able to get away with the A for over a year, geeze that is a long time. I just found out most of the details this morning, including that his "one" time was WAY more than that. He is deploying after the New Year for 6 months and I have no idea how I am going to handle not only the stress of his job and the dangers but the A and not trusting him and being hurt and devastated. This current A began when he was in Iraq so war zones are not off limits when it comes to A apparantly.


Dday 1- April 7 2009
Dday 2- Dec 11 2009 same stupid POS.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Washington
2yrs&stillcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 26570
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

Ironically his job gave him a promotion two months after I found out about his affair. He is about 800 miles away and doesn't come home often. He says he is working to find a job back home so we can work more effectively on things. He was just home for Thanksgiving.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

No. But I was working an opposite schedule from his.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

No. Up until two years ago he was home.

4. Do you have kids?

No, just fuzzykids.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I am trying to stop crying. It has been two years and everytime I think about what happened I start to cry. No matter how many times WH and I talk about it, I can't seem to move beyond the pain. Therapy didn't help much, I got tired of hearing "you're a good and beautiful person with a lot to offer" but I don't have the expendable cash to find another that I am comfortable with.

I love my WH and I think I want to try and work it out, but in all my past relationships anyone who cheated was kicked to the curb. I found out about the affair and surprised myself by wanting to work through it. He kept saying no, and finally last Christmas I decided after the New Year I would get a lawyer and give him the divorce he seemed to want. Of course in February he called me and begged to come home. In my mind I resolved myself to moving on and possibly finding happiness again, now its as if I'm stuck back at the beginning. I hate this and just want to stop feeling so miserable.


6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

My trust issues. I have always had them thanks to a mom who cheated on my dad and a few cheater boyfriends, one who was abusive. The minute I let my guard down and trust someone completely enough to marry them, I get screwed.

And of course there is the 800 mile distance between us.


7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Absolutely. We were that couple that everyone said they wished they had our marriage. We "got" each other and our quirks. We made each other laugh, it was easy to be together. It felt like your most comfortable item of clothing, but we didn't take each other for granted. We went out on "dates" with each other, and always did things to keep the spark.


D-Day - 3/4/07 (week before my birthday)

No boy is worth crying over, the one who is will never make you cry.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also not a member of this thread ...

Hello everyone ...

newbie bump ...


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
tworoads
♀ New Member
Member # 27497
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

We were only to be apart for a maximum of one year. He has the paperwork for immigration, we retained an immigration attorney..he only half completed everything and still needs his physical and fingerprinting. We take turns travelling. I went back in Oct, Nov and Dec, due to son graduating from Army and being with kids for christmas. He is coming here next Friday. I know he had contact with MOW...what to do with that information..I don't know right now.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Nope, EA? started before we were married...

3. Is being LD normal for you?

No, but I am coping well until I see he is contacting her....

4. Do you have kids?

He has 2 grown and I have 2 grown.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I was here before, thought things were going well, now alot of old feelings are surfacing and I need support. I have been reading again for weeks!

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Trust issues, broken NC and the long distance makes confrontation difficult.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

Because it started before we were married and continued after for 8 months...and several broken NC since...I would say we probably have never had a real relationship.

Any thoughts anyone has on confronting him about the latest broken NC would be helpful. He feels he is a man of integrity and would never put another woman ahead of me again....okay so why contact her at all, what is he getting out of it?????? Reminding myself to breathe...


Me: BS(43)Him FWH(42)
Married 2.5yrs 4 Grown children
EA...DDay Jan 07
Long Distance R due to elderly parents. Struggling at times.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Feb 2010
GuardNmyHeart
♀ Member
Member # 25506
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
15 months, we saw each other for 3 weeks over Christmas time. I won't see him again until August.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes. The affair started while he was overseas, but became physical the night he returned to the states.

3. Is being LD normal for you?
Not by my choice. He has been deployed 4 times, sent to endless schools/training, and is currently on an unaccompanied tour.

4. Do you have kids?
Yes, an 8 year old boy and a 5 year old girl.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
Husband was deployed for the 3rd time. He started an EA with a former GF and another EA with a co worker. He slept with the co worker in DC on his way home. I am still trying to recover from his stupidity.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
The distance doesn't help, but he refuses to talk about anything related to the A and I never feel like I am #1 in his life.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
We had our ups and downs like every couple, but over all it was okay. H puts himself first always. I was raised to put others first. I want to be a priority to him, not an after thought.


Me (BW)44
Him (WH) 41
M 12/1992
DS 10, DD 7
D day #1 5/2006 One Ea and one PA at the same time with 2 different OW.
D day #2 2/2010
Divorced 10/14/11
He remarried 11/7/11

Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: The South
MWCM
♀ Member
Member # 27426
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if anyone is still hanging around this thread. I am trying to reconcile in a long distance relationship, though my WH comes home every weekend. He has worked away from home for more than 25 years, though I have not really liked the arrangement, I have always managed it, and not been unhappy.
Now I find it intolerable, and wonder if it will make it impossible to reconcile. Every week while he is gone, I just build up anger, sadness, fear, etc... When he gets home on Friday, I am in no shape to have a productive discussion with him. It also makes MC just about impossible, though I am still looking for someone who will see us on the weekend. Without MC I do not see us being able to get through this.

Thanks for listening.


D-day 1 1-29-10
2 August 2010
3 March 2011
Me BS 54
Him WS 56
Married 32 years at DDay
EA / PA affair

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: mcmw
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MWCM - Just wondering if anyone is still hanging around this thread. I am trying to reconcile in a long distance relationship.

Hello MWCM Ė Yes, there still are people that hang around this thread but honestly, it is a quiet one. Perhaps because other than the very specific issues that touch on LDRís, so many of the other issues get discussed in the other forums instead. I believe that a lot of the posters do the PM routine when they have questions and concerns too.

MWCM - Now I find it intolerable, and wonder if it will make it impossible to reconcile.

Does the LDR make it impossible? Well, the simple answer is No but lets be honest, you could probably create some algorithmic that shows the degree of complexity rises in a exponential ratio in proportion to the distance (measured in kilometres) separating the two individuals with a inverse ratio to the number to time that the parties meet per year. Or perhaps, simpler to say, itís a lot harder.

Like anything else here on SI, using generalizations are not the best way to figure things out. It all depends.

For instance, since I work overseas and have internet, LF and I have a daily 1.5 hour Skype session. That allows for f2f communication. Is it as good as being there? Not even close but it beats the hell out of trying to communicate via emails or snail mail. Our need for communication has increased since after the affair and thatís understandable.

This daily video conference, for us, isnít a matter of transparency or checking up but for some people it is and thatís okay too. Recently in another post, it was suggested to a BS that her husband simply open Skype up on the laptop and leave it running, pointed to the hotel room bed, so his wife could take a look. It would allow her to be reassured about possible OWís and second of all, the simple act of watching your spouse sleep is soothing too.

MWCM - Every week while he is gone, I just build up anger, sadness, fear, etc... When he gets home on Friday, I am in no shape to have a productive discussion with him. It also makes MC just about impossible.

To certain extend LF and I have come to an informal understanding that the trips home were to be kept quiet with the least amount of A talk if possible. That means that itís our daily Skypes that often (occasionally) got loud and emotional. Sure its not easy yelling at the end of a computer but then again, doing it in person would not be good either. Because of the cut off time created by the need to go to work or eat, we had an involuntary break created when tempers flared.

In some communication skills training, creating a definite time limit on discussions is an important factor along with arguing on specific points. This creates focus and stops the subject from being hijacked off topic and degenerating into an open ended screaming match. Even when tempers did flare, the ďopps, l have to go for breakfastĒ excuse forced us into time outs.

So, it sounds like you need to be able to figure out someway to deal with the daily emotions without building them up too much. Volcanos are very hard to handle as you know. Hell, another poster actually mentioned that every Friday when her WS came home, she had to pop a pill. While I personally donít favour the meds routine, it might be the only short term solution until you and your H can come up with some way to deal with the weekend phenomena.

If you have questions, you can either post here or just PM directly to other posters from this thread. Itís awkward but it works.

HUFI

BE STRONG. BE LION STRONG. ROAAR!


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3217 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
MWCM
♀ Member
Member # 27426
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hufi,
Thanks for all your wonderful support and suggestions. It sounds like you are coping and progressing very well in spite of the many obstacles. The skype connection sounds like a great idea. I don't think it can work for us, no internet connection in the evening for WH, and he won't do anything personal on his work computer or at work. I am sure being able to see each other makes the long distance conversations easier. I doubt I would feel such rage at him if I could see his face.
We are doing okay, the rollercoaster is still moving pretty fast, but I see progress.

Thanks again for the support.


D-day 1 1-29-10
2 August 2010
3 March 2011
Me BS 54
Him WS 56
Married 32 years at DDay
EA / PA affair

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: mcmw
TresTriste
♀ New Member
Member # 29776
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
Because he was deployed, we went from october-June without seeing each other, he came home for 15 days that got extended to 30 for the birth of our baby (got extended because she got really sick at 12 days and admitted to the hospital) now he is on his way back to georgia in a couple weeks. i lived in washington now, and we haven't worked out visitation.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
the ones that i found out about were when he was here on leave (yes, while baby was born and then very sick) but i am convinced he has at least one honey in afghanistan...

3. Is being LD normal for you? not until this deployment... we have been deployed together, but never apart.

4. Do you have kids? Yes, one fairly new baby girl. she is just a JOY!

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
i was heartbroken and google-ing random things like "should i leave him?" "does he love me?" and using the search engine like a magic 8 ball. eventually i was looking for quotes to survive this and found the site.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
oh dear... we need to be around each other. he needs to see me and see what an incredible mom i am, how amazing my life has become, and be reminded why he loves me. the biggest is that i don't think he wants to reconcile, he has given up, which is the hardest thing. i am the one that was cheated on!! shouldn't i at least get the gratifying "EFF OFF" that comes from his mistakes?!?! NOPE, he keeps saying things like "we can go to MC, but don't be angry when it still doesn't work out". it is such a mindPHUCK!

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
yes and no. while we were together during last deplopyment and the year leading up to this one, we were unstoppable. we had broken up for 3 months and i pursued a relationship with OM, but he never gave up hope. we got back together, got married, then got pregnant. i left afghanistan, he stayed, and we FOUGHT all the time. then when he came home i thought everything was going to be ok, but he was PAYING to sleep with younger women (i am 25 but feel like i am 60 and unattractive. i am still 50 pounds away from my ideal weight, plus i found a grey hair...wth?!)

i need help. i want to hear that he is going to love me again. i want to hear that people have made it through this. i don't want to raise my baby by myself. i can't move, i am just stagnant in this VIP room in hell. please help. i can't do this...


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WA
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