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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
shocked4
♀ Member
Member # 33447
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone ever come here? LD seems to be presenting a road block to recovery


D-Day August 17, 2011
M-23 years
4 children ages 10-23

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
Penitente
♂ Member
Member # 33629
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly what I am dealing with. I'm trying for reconciliation with my ex-girlfriend, but it's tough over distance.

Ours was a very unique long-distance relationship, because we never lived in same place. Fortunately our careers allowed us to ferry between NYC (me) and FL (her) three out of every four weekends. We had a plan for her to move to NYC in 18 months, too.

Despite 7 months of 'clean living,' she couldn't deal anymore. We do have some contact, though.

Doing this over LD is hard. I want to somehow show her I'm serious about therapy, learning, etc. and that I have experienced real change. I know it is too early to ask her back, but getting her to listen and observe the real change and development that is taking place is a struggle.


Wayward boyfriend, mid-30s. Successfully reconciled with long distance ex-girlfriend and now married

Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I are trying to recover from his four year affair which ended with my discovery of it in March 2010. He ended it immediately, of a fashion. However, he was still in the Navy at the time he met the whore, and left to work for an aoil major. He still spends three months away from home and three at home, so he is still away for half of the year. It's a horrid situation, and I have three times caught him entertaining himself on the internet with cheap whores, edven through ebay beleive it or not!! I wonder if they know that they are aiding prostitution!! This is the last time. If when he returns to work in January he is found to be guilty of such self indulgent behaviour again, the papers will land on the mat and he's gone.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
FairytalesOver
New Member
Member # 34124
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

He left here in January of 2009. He will return in March of 2012 if I allow him to return home at all

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

3 of the encounters were while he was there. 2 were while he was living here and 3 were while he was stationed in Korea. 8 women. 11 encounters

3. Is being LD normal for you?

No. We were apart for 1 year in 97-98 while he did a remote in Korea. He returned in Fall of 1998 and was here until Jan 2009

4. Do you have kids?
6-18 (G), 16(B), 12(B), 10(B), 7(B), 2(B)

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

I'd been trying to lean on friends for support but none of them has gone through this so the support was really ineffective. I needed to talk to people whole really understood the depth of this pain and the humiliation that came with it.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

WH suffers from abandonment, intimacy, Passive Aggressive disorders and is stubborn as heck. Probably SA too.

For me it would be my need to fix things (control)and my lack of self-esteem and the anger that I feel as a result.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

We had a functioning marriage. I knew going into it that was not a lovey dovey romantic. I had NO clue about the enormity of his actual issues. So I took a lot of his rejection of me (not giving me time. He was always willing to have sex with me, and apparently anyone else) personally. We sort of came to an impasse. He wasn't going to be sweet and romantic and I wasn't feeling very sexy so I didn't get my emotional needs met and he didn't get his physical needs met and we functioned. I thought it was a rut that would be fixed as our kids got older and less demanding of our time. I was wrong to the outside world we looked/look like the perfect family. If they only knew the truth....


Me- BS 39
Him- WH 40
OW-too many to know
Married-19 years. Together 23 years
6 children (18,16,12,10,7,2)
D-Day- 7/20/11

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Nebraska
CML7
♀ Member
Member # 37636
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?

I knew when we stared dating it was highly likely that he would travel a lot. In late May 2011 he went across country till late August. It was hard, but we video chatted a lot and saw each other once.

Next assignment was not far away and was 2 or 3 months. He came home all but 1 weekend.

Last year, until Dday, he was far away, 8 hours, and he came home most weekends.

Now he has been away for 3 weeks near where he was previously, and we saw each other this last week, and he plans to come at least every other week right now. This is a 3 week thing, and he SWEARS there will be no more after this, but 2 days before Dday he sad this too.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes. Only one AP though.

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Yes and no. He considers where I live home but has to travel to stay in the US for immigration.

He was living here when we met and started dating, but we always knew LD was going to be a way of life.

4. Do you have kids?

Me yes, and my daughter sees him as her father.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

WBF and I were planning on getting married in June, but then their was a problem. In July we were planning again, and then we broke up for a while. We only did not speak one day, I was dating other people (dating not kissing or anything else), and he went on a chat line and started dating a woman.

After we got back together he THEN started the A physically. He started acting like a different person, and I knew something was off. He told me in September he did not like the person he was becoming. The beginning of October he was still being weird about scheduling our wedding, then November after our anniversary he wanted to get married ASAP.

I had a dream the morning of Dday that he had an A and the OW came to the wedding. I then called his "friend" I had wondered why they talked so much and it was the OW. She confirmed that they had started dating in August, but had not seen each other in a "few months", had barely talked, and that she thought he was trying to get her to dump him for months.

He did not ask to R, but when we talked I decided to try. He is trying to regain my trust now, and had become overly transparent.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriars to reconciliation / recovery?

Him living away. 2 days before Dday he told me he was coming home, and we needed to talk, and then if I "still loved him" he would marry me and stay hime at least a year.

I understand he has to live away, but now with the A it is too hard for me.

He was gone the week after Dday, because he did not know if he could face me. Then he was here for 2 weeks, and spent a lot of time with me, and is gone again now for 3 weeks (last week I was there with him).

I he wants to change, but him being away is TOO hard. I see that he has started changing back to the Pre A and pre last contract person I fell in love with. But he is not making the time he needs to make either.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way?

We stopped dating when he took the job before this. Yes he was home a lot, but to work. I wanted us time, he was working 7 days a week.

He had down time when he did not come home for the weekend. Which made me resent when he did things with his friends, or when he would spend time with them when he was here.

I could really care less about him spending time with friends. I care that he spends no quality time with me, and then spends time with them.

We fought a lot, because I was tired of not being married, and him, not spending enough time with me.

So my question is is it possible to R with one partner traveling? My WBF swears this is the last job away, but in his field that is highly unlikely. I do not want him to give up his dreams to be with me. But I REALLY need him home. IT was hard before the A, now I feel like each day is the last I can take.


BS: 35
WBF: 28
Dday #1 11/25/2012 PA
Dday #2 02/02/2013 Dinner date with someone he met online.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Virginia
CML7
♀ Member
Member # 37636
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TwoRoads

I feel for you. Me and my WBF are going through the immigration dram too, which is why we are still LD.


BS: 35
WBF: 28
Dday #1 11/25/2012 PA
Dday #2 02/02/2013 Dinner date with someone he met online.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 286
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